37. MATT
37
MATT
T he last week has been a disaster. I haven’t been able to work. Aries whirled into my life, blew the whole thing into pieces, and then vanished.
I don’t know what to do without her. There’s a yawning chasm in every moment of my day, knowing when I get home, she won’t be there.
Lucie is distraught. Heartbroken. Even now, in the drawing room, offering biscuits to Seb and Nico and Kate, she doesn’t look her usual happy self.
“Thanks so much, sweetie,” Kate says, taking a biscuit that Lucie has licked all over. She’s possibly even sucked it.
When Lucie moves to Nico, Kate puts the biscuit down on the side-table, tucking it behind a lamp so Lucie won’t see. It’s considerate, and it makes me think of Aries. It’s the kind of thing she would do. No . Aries would have eaten the whole damn biscuit and smiled doing it.
“Go on then,” Seb says, nodding at Nico and Kate. “Tell us how he did it.”
Kate grins, and the diamond sparkling on her finger catches the light. “In the London Eye,” she says. “Got down on one knee—”
“Mate,” Seb interrupts while staring at Nico. “You did it in one of those bubble capsules?” Seb tucks his chin, one eyebrow arcing over a disapproving blue eye. “Bit cliché, isn’t it?”
“I’m memorising that expression”—Nico points at Seb’s face—“so that I can replicate it when you propose to someone.”
“Just thought you’d have gone for something more private.”
“It was private,” Nico retorts.
“It was very romantic,” Kate says in a pacifying tone. She smiles at Nico like he’s the best thing since sliced bread, and he puts his arm around her on the sofa and kisses her temple. They’re sickeningly perfect together, and I don’t think either of them would have given a shit where the proposal took place. The answer was a forgone conclusion. There’s a hard lump of envy nestling at the base of my throat that I’m trying to bury.
“Are you going to have babies now?” Lucie asks. “Daddy says that’s the only reason people get married.”
A sudden chill ripples through the room, and Seb fists his hand and brings it to his lips. Kate’s raised teacup is halfway to her lips as her nervous gaze shoots sideways to Nico, whose gaze is flicking from me to Seb and back again.
“People get married for all sorts of reasons,” Seb says, and I’m surprised he’s the one segueing us out of this awkwardness.
Kate, who has managed to collect herself, leans towards Lucie and adds, “We might have babies. But we’re choosing to get married because we love each other, and we want to celebrate that with all our friends and family.”
“Oh,” Lucie whispers, like this is a piece of conflicting information she doesn’t have context for.
I clench my jaw and swallow. Shitty father.
“How’ve you been?” Nico asks, looking at me.
The air crackles with awkward tension, and when I don’t answer immediately, Seb chips in. “You cancelled all your fucking meetings.”
Lucie pricks up, looking at me. “Uncle Seb said a bad word.”
Seb slaps a hand over his mouth and stares at Lucie. “Sorry. Uncle Seb is a very naughty man.”
Lucie laughs and gives him a biscuit, which he immediately eats even though she’s definitely chewed half of it off already. He might be a bit of an arse sometimes, but he has a heart of fucking gold.
The doorbell rings and I get up, thankful not to have them all staring at me like I’m broken and they don’t know how to put me back together. Or to have to respond to Seb’s non-question about my meetings. I’ll reschedule them at some point.
I find Mrs Minter in the hall, having buzzed a courier in. She signs for a package, which she hands to me. “For Lucie.”
“For meeee?” Lucie must have followed me into the hall, because she’s nipping at my heels, grabbing my trousers, her voice high-pitched and excited.
I glance at the package. It’s from one of those internet photo companies. “Let’s see what’s in it, shall we?”
I lead her back to the drawing room, where Nico and Seb and Kate are talking in hushed tones, perched on the edge of the sofas, leaning in so their heads are close together, like school kids keeping secrets. They fall silent when we enter, and I suspect they’re talking about me… probably about how I’m falling apart, or perhaps they’re plotting an intervention. Something to save me from myself. I ignore them and sit on the floor with Lucie as she rips open the package.
She squeals when she sees what’s inside, whereas I immediately feel nauseous. A photo book, hardcover, with a picture of Aries and Lucie on the front.
“Look, Daddy,” Lucie cries, thrusting the thing in my face, “It’s Ariel.” Then she presses the book to her lips and gives the image of Aries a big smack on the lips. “I love her.”
If it’s possible, the others sitting on the sofa have gone even quieter. All I can sense is the thunderous beating of my heart and a constriction around my lungs.
Lucie begins flicking through the pages, which are printed with photos Aries must have taken while she was here on the damn smartphone I gave her. She must have uploaded all the photos to her laptop before she handed it back to me.
“When I’m five, I want to have hair just like Ariel.” Lucie strokes the picture of Aries, and I clench my fists to prevent doing the same. “Can you buy it for me, Daddy?”
I swallow, disturbed by the lump that’s risen in my throat. “We’ll see about that,” I say, my voice rough like someone’s hacked the edges off.
Lucie keeps turning page after page. Aries and Lucie in the park, in the garden. Aries doing a handstand, her t-shirt falling and exposing an expanse of skin, her feet cut off because Lucie must have taken it and couldn’t frame the picture. There are even pictures of us all on the boat. I look disturbingly happy, and staring at my smiling face is like looking at a different man.
I can’t do this. I can’t fucking sit here when each picture is ripping at my insides, yanking at my heart, threatening to drag it up my throat and out of my body.
I ruffle Lucie’s hair with one hand and get up. “I have to check something… Outside.” Lamest excuse ever, and I feel everyone’s eyes on me, apart from Lucie’s, whose attention has been sucked into the pleasure of her gift.
Kate gets up off the sofa and sits on the floor with Lucie. “That was when we went to the beach,” I hear her saying, pointing at one of the pictures. “And we threw stones in the sea. Do you remember?”
Their voices fade as I make my way through the house and out into the back garden. Fuck, I can’t breathe. The pain in my chest is so acute, I wonder if I’m having a heart attack.
I lean one hand on the wall and hang my head. I’ve never felt this way. I didn’t give a shit about losing Gemma. Our relationship was long dead, if there had ever been a decent one in the first place. And apart from Gemma, there’s been no one else until Aries.
How the fuck do I get through this? My whole body is poisoned with it. With her. With the absence of her.
“Matt?”
I glance up to see Seb standing on the back step. The wall of the house is covered in a climbing vine, the leaves of which have been vibrant green all summer. But now, they’re turning wine-red. I hadn’t registered the change until I saw him standing there, framed by all the fucking leaves.
“You okay?” he asks.
I push off the wall and drop onto a nearby bench, head falling into my hands.
I don’t look, but I hear Seb step down and come towards me, taking a seat beside me. “What can I do?”
I shake my head. “Nothing. Everything is just… fucked.”
“It’s not.”
I turn to look at him. “I’m thirty-five. Divorced. I’ve got two kids I’m struggling to relate to—”
“Those kids love you.”
I snort. “Sure they do.”
“Don’t be a dick. You’re not a bad father. Trust me, I know a bad father when I see one. We had one.”
“Have,” I correct. “We have one.”
“Yeah.”
We’re silent for a few moments, and I’m sure Seb’s running through a montage of shitty childhood memories, just like I am.
“It’s Aries, isn’t it?” he asks.
Something pinches in my chest, and my feet tingle inside my shoes, toes almost throbbing. I lean forward and stare down at them, my fingers steepled between my knees.
“You miss her.” Seb makes the statement so softly that the pinch in my chest increases.
He watches me intently. Not just my face, but the entirety of me, right down to my feet, as if any movement I make might give something away. Reveal some hidden part of me. I force myself not to move at all.
It’s not exactly silent out here, but it’s close. The breeze rustles the vine leaves, and there’s the droning background noise of cars passing on the street outside. There’s even birdsong in the trees, and the sun hits the top of my head with a pleasing warmth.
“You can admit it,” he whispers. “I won’t think any less of you.”
“No—” My voice catches. Sounds weak. I hate it. “She left. I can’t—”
“Fuck, Matt.” He pauses and I focus on trying to control the range of emotions that are swirling in my chest. “You love her, don’t you?”
I break right then. Something in the middle of me, shattering like glass, each shard spearing my heart, my lungs.
As though he knows what’s happening inside me, Seb slides a hand over my back and rests it between my shoulder blades. “You gonna cry?” he asks, and when I don’t respond he adds, “Because I might have to film it. Never seen you cry before.”
A strangled groan escapes me, but there’s a hint of laughter under there. “Fuck you.” I rub my eyes. They’re definitely wet. “It’s not just Aries. It’s the whole fucking thing. Gemma cheating on me, the divorce, Charlie, Lucie. I’m failing everyone around me.”
Seb opens and closes his mouth, as if he’s unsure whether he should commit to whatever he intended to say. He pauses for a moment before he speaks, and when he does, there’s an unfamiliar gravity to his voice. “And the one person who made it all better left you.”
I click my tongue against my teeth and shake my head. “When did you become such a hopeless romantic?”
“I’m not the one who just ran away from a photo album.”
I close my eyes, tears welling right behind my lids, and let out a long exhalation. Pain leaches through every organ in my body until it rises up my throat. Next to me, Seb shuffles, getting something out of his pocket.
“Put your phone away,” I warn him.
He lets out an amused sigh. “Here,” he says, and when I open my eyes, there’s no sign of his phone, but he’s handing me a handkerchief. Neatly pressed, with his monogrammed initials in the corner. Memories of that night with Aries on the balcony at the Hawkston Building rush in and I scrunch the bit of cotton up in my palm. Is every little fucking thing always going to make me think of her?
The sadness crests to a peak, pain surging right beneath it. I can’t fucking hold this back anymore. I have seconds before it breaks me.
“You know what?” I say, so low I can barely hear my own voice.
“Yeah?”
“I’d like you to go inside.”
Seb stills for a moment, as though he’s running through his options. He taps his hand against my back again and leaves without another word.
And then, when I’m certain I’m alone, I fucking weep.