8. CHAPTER 8
CHAPTER 8
SIERRA
Shooting up out of bed to the blaring alarm, I force my eyes open and quickly turn it off.
I’m so exhausted after tossing and turning all night. The time I spent with Kason is weighing on me, and I’ve done nothing but think about him since he left my apartment yesterday. It doesn’t help that I wore his shirt to bed that still smells of him.
I don’t know what to make of it. One minute I think this connection might be worth exploring more and the next I see warning lights flashing before my eyes and I think I should steer clear of him. I don’t know how I could be with boyfriends for months and not feel an ounce for them of what Kason is capable of making me feel in such a short time, and quite frankly, it scares the shit out of me. I don’t get attached. These feelings are so new to me.
Of course, the sex is amazing, but it’s more than that with him. It’s the way he looks at me, as if he doesn’t want to let me go, and when I’m with him, a big part of me doesn’t want him to. When he stares into my eyes, I feel like he knows everything I’m thinking and feeling, everything I try to hide from most people.
His reputation alone should have me running for the hills, yet I didn’t let that stop me from meeting him at the restaurant, nor did it stop me from going to his place or spending the night and most of the day with him.
He said he can be monogamous and has been in the past, but is that something he is really capable of? He’s spent years sowing his wild oats, so I’m not sure he could turn that off so quickly, and I don’t want to be one of many. Plus, who am I to ask that of him? It was a one-night stand that turned into a weekend sleepover.
Deep down inside, I know it would hurt being with him while he’s with other women as well. It’s best to cut this off now before I let my once invulnerable heart get broken. I need to protect it. I know what loss is. Even when my mother was alive, she was already gone for the most part. I’d crave the few days when she was well only to be let down when it was another bad day. I don’t ever want to sink as low as she was or allow someone to break me the way the sperm donor broke her.
Looking back as an adult, and after some talks with my Uncle Tony, I’m sure she suffered from depression and the catalyst to her downfall was losing my sperm donor, a man she loved probably more than me. That loss set her on a path she was never able to recover from. Even knowing her mental health was most likely a factor, it doesn’t negate the hurt I can still remember feeling as a little girl. I can’t ever allow a man to break me like that. I know I want to be a mother someday, and I made a vow years ago to be everything my mother wasn’t to my child.
I climb out of bed and stride into my bathroom, knowing I need to get moving and stop allowing myself to think about him and my mother. My spirit will sink lower if I allow these thoughts to continue. I turn to the vanity mirror and see the dark circles under my eyes from my restless night. If just one weekend has caused this, it would undoubtedly get worse the more time I spend with him. I decide that distance is best where he’s concerned. With that resolution, I turn toward my shower, ready to start my day.
Rubbing my eyes, I sit back in my desk chair, rest my head against the back of it, and close my eyes. This has been one of the longest weeks of my life and no amount of coffee is helping today.
All week I have been bombarded with texts and calls from Kason until today when there has been nothing. I’ve heard not one peep from him. I’m unsettled by it and I’ve never been unsettled by a man not reaching out before. Even if I don’t want to admit it and have been denying it all week, Kason is different.
When he called, I sent it to voicemail because I didn’t want his voice to deter me from doing the sensible thing and fortifying my walls. He sent texts asking why I rejected his call, and I responded that I was too busy to talk. He’s requested a dinner date each night and each night I either had plans or was in some other way ‘busy.’ Kason’s not a dumb man and he didn’t hesitate to call my bluff as his message last night indicated.
Retrieving my phone off my desk, I open up my messaging app like I’ve done at least twenty times today and pull up his last text.
Kason:
Why are you blowing me off?
Six words, one simple question. I never answered, and I’ve debated answering it all day, unsure of what an appropriate response would be. He never texted again and has probably given up on me. Not that I blame him, but I can’t bring myself to just bare my soul to this man. He’s too lethal to my mental wellbeing .
Marisa has tried to break me out of this funk but even her vivacious personality and her offer of going out for a drink wasn’t appealing. Kason revealed on Sunday that she gave him my number and she was concerned that I was upset with her for doing so, but I set her mind at ease that I was in no way harboring any ill feelings.
A knock at my door disturbs my inner ramblings.
“Come in,” I call out. I recognize Brook’s long strawberry-blonde hair even though she’s looking down as she enters my office. “Hello, Brook. What can I help you with today?”
“Hi, Sierra,” she murmurs softly before walking further in. She takes a seat in front of my desk and finally looks up at me.
Standing, I slowly make my way over to her and take a seat beside her. I rest my linked hands in my lap and wait for her to say what has brought her here today. It takes a while but she finally speaks up. “I’d like to take you up on the offer of tutoring if that’s okay.”
I can’t help the smile that takes over my face. “Of course, it’s okay. I’m happy you came here and are willing to meet with someone to help you with your schooling.” She peers up at me, studying my face, and for the first time, I finally get a real smile from her. My heart soars.
I mentally run through the list of volunteers we have. I know whoever I choose for her would have to be someone truly special who can gain her trust. Although we have great volunteers, no one person comes to mind or feels right for her so I know I will need to give this match some further thought. This is too important to me.
Ky pops into my head but that’s obviously a no-go. She’d never live in New York, especially with her baby daddy living here but if she did, she would be a perfect match. Ky has the patience of a saint and is truly one of the most kind-hearted people I know.
“Let me check to see who is available and give me some time to set it up. Will that be okay? ”
She nods and quickly stands up to leave. I guess that’s all I’ll be getting from her today, but I’m still so elated that she stopped by. Brook opens the door and then stills. Looking over her shoulder, she gives me another smile. “Thank you, Sierra,” she says in a heartfelt tone before hurrying out.
I’ve not done anything more than try to talk to her and offer help. I’m feeling overly emotional about the interaction, and my bottom lip quivers a little just as Marisa walks by and peers in. Taking one look at my face, she comes into my office and closes the door behind her. She places her hand on my upper arms and asks, “Are you okay? What’s wrong?”
Tears spring into my eyes, but I hold them in. “Nothing’s wrong. Brook was just in here and wants tutoring. Isn’t that great?”
Marisa examines my face. “Plenty of youth have taken advantage of the program, and I’ve never seen you act this way. What is it with you and this girl?”
Solid question and one that is hard to verbalize. “I don’t know.” But that’s a lie. I do know. I see a sadness in her that I know so well. I see me in her.
Marisa breaks the tension when she asks, “Are you getting your period? You’ve been mopey this week and now you’re about ready to cry because you're happy.” Her question has me bursting out laughing. Leave it to her to ask such a question.
“It should be here today or tomorrow.” Maybe PMS is to blame for my feelings and emotions towards Kason and that’s why they’re out of whack this week.
However, no sooner do I think this, I know I’m full of shit.
It’s the man himself.
I’m sitting on my sofa, eating out of a small tub of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream when a knock on my door startles me from watching trashy reality TV in my red cami and sleep shorts. It’s eleven o’clock at night and outside of Marisa and others I work with, I don’t really fraternize with anyone else in this city so I can only imagine it’s Marisa. She’s been bugging me to go out all week so maybe she stopped by this way while out clubbing to try again.
I get up and put my ice cream back in the freezer before I head to the door. Even assuming it’s Marisa, I look through the peephole and instantly recognize the dark hair belonging to one Kason Morgan. My heart drops into my stomach. I hadn’t expected to hear or see him again after my brush-off and then radio silence today. I lean my body against the door.
What do I do? Do I let him in or pretend that I’m not here? Although my body wants to let him in, my heart and brain flash those warning signs again.
The answer is taken out of my hands, and I feel the door vibrate on my back with the loud banging. “Sierra, answer the door!”
Not wanting my neighbors to come out of their apartments at the commotion he’s causing, I decide to let him in.
Opening the door, there he stands, or better yet leans. His arms are spread out, his hands on each side of the door, and his head is hanging down. Slowly, he lifts it and I see his handsome face. It’s filled with so many different emotions. A little hurt, startled, and anger are mixed together. His eyes appear to be out of focus as they search my face.
That’s when I get a whiff of him and the strong scent of alcohol that is wafting off of him. Then his face morphs into a scowl. “Why haven’t you answered my text, and why the hell are you blowing off my calls?” he slurs.
My first thought is to deny it, but instead, I change it up.
“Have you been drinking?” I already know this, but I’m interested to see how he responds.
He tilts his head to the side, and the scowl lessens slightly. “Yes. Some bad woman has been denying me. It’s her fault.” He looks up as if he’s thinking then he focuses once more on my face and smirks. “I think she needs a spanking.”
I giggle lightly. I find it amusing that he’s planning to spank my ass for what he thinks is my disobedience.
He straightens and his hands fall to his sides. He loses his balance for a moment but quickly steadies himself. This man is in no condition to be out in public. I can either let him in or risk him leaving and possibly hurting himself. No matter his condition, he came here just to see me after I brushed him off. It was me he was thinking about when he decided to get drunk, and I like it when I shouldn’t.
I step back, opening the door wider. After a few moments, he stumbles inside. His steps are slow and measured, and I can see that he’s focusing on each movement. I shut the door and follow closely behind him in case he trips in his debilitated state.
He stops at the kitchen counter and when he places a hand on it, he leans into the movement. He’s clearly much worse than I originally suspected. How in the hell did he ever make it up to my apartment, much less remember where I live?
He straightens his arm to get himself upright again and sways momentarily. Taking pity on him, I move in and lift his other arm, sneaking my head between it and his body to rest it on my shoulders. His face slowly peers down at me, and he gives me a goofy smile. “I’m drunk, Si, Sierra.”
No shit. “How about we take you to bed?”
His smile grows bigger and amusement lights his eyes. “Now you’re talking. Ta-take me to your bed and have your wicked way with me.”
“I meant take you to bed to sleep, nothing more.”
He pouts and then removes his hand from the counter. Slowly, he turns towards me then moves it up to my face, and his index finger taps me on the cheek. He looks at it confused. Trying again, he moves it, taps me on my nose, and grins like he’s so proud of himself for hitting his target. “Now where’s the fun in that?”
I roll my eyes, and I can’t help the snicker that escapes my throat. He’s quite the adorable drunk. “Okay. Now we’re going to walk to my room, and I need you to focus. You’re much bigger than me, and I don’t want us to topple over.”
He brings his hand up to his eyebrows and salutes me. Then he chuckles and says, “Aye aye, captain.”
There’s no way this is going to work if he doesn’t take me seriously. Think, Sierra.
“Kason, listen to my words,” I say in a serious tone, and he clumsily nods, the movement swaying his body. “If you fall down, then I’m falling down with you, and I could get hurt.”
His head shrinks back in disgust at the thought, then his stare focuses on me once more. This time his hand goes to the side of my face, and his thumb gently rubs my cheekbone as his eyes tenderly look into mine. “I don’t want to hurt you. You’re a precious gem.”
The saying a drunk mind speaks a sober heart comes to mind, and my heart immediately softens at his words and the sincerity in his eyes.
My thoughts on taking a chance with him shift once more. “We’re going to move now. Stay focused.”
His eyes narrow, and he gives his head a sharp nod. Once he removes his hand, he faces forward. Now that he’s taking this seriously, I wrap my other arm around his waist, step forward and he follows. We take the path at a leisurely pace. By the amount of pressure on my shoulders and back of my neck, he definitely needs my hold on him. It might take five times as long as it would normally if I were on my own, but we eventually make it to my room and the foot of my bed. I twist us so our backs are to it. “Okay, we’re going to sit now. Bend your knees.”
“Wait,” he says suddenly, and I peer up at him. He gives an embarrassed lift to the side of his mouth before he says his next words. “I gotta piss.”
Oh Jeez. What next?
I steer us toward my bathroom, and we venture in that direction. Once inside and standing at the toilet, I realize we may be in another predicament and that’s getting his jeans unbuckled. I bite my bottom lip in thought. I know I’m going to have to do it, and there’s no way around that.
“Put your hands flat on the wall.” I point to the wall behind the toilet.
He manages a smirk. “Are you going to frisk me, officer? I promise not to resist.”
I roll my eyes. Once he’s steady and holding the wall, I begin the work of taking down his pants. Undoing the button and pulling the zipper down, I reach into the waistband and lower both his pants and boxers. While down at his feet, I encourage him to move them so I can get his sneakers, socks, and jeans off.
Standing up and moving to his side I say, “You can go.”
“Thank Christ,” he groans and finally releases. I had planned to look away but with the force of his piss, it starts to hit the back of the toilet, so I quickly reach down and angle his dick so the urine lands in the bowl. I frown at the mess.
“Sorry,” he mumbles.
Once he’s finished, I pull his boxers back up and help him back to my bed. I turn us so our back is to it again. “Relax your knees and sit.” He does, and we easily plop down onto the bed.
My body feels like it just had a workout. I remove his arm from around my neck and stand in front of him then urge him to raise his arms and he does. Grabbing the hem of his shirt, I pull it up and off his body and his arms fall slack down to his sides. I have a question I’d really love to know the answer to so I bend down and look him dead in his eyes and ask, “Why are you here tonight?”
His eyes narrow as if he’s puzzled at first then he answers. “I missed you and wanted to be with you.” I smile loving that answer until he asks, “Are you a witch?”
“A what?” I giggle at his silly question.
“A witch, because you put a spell on me.” He goes to wink, I think, but ends up closing both eyes instead of one, and I shake my head at him, still giggling.
He lowers his back to the bed, and I know he’s going to pass out quickly, but my eyes have a mind of their own and can’t resist checking out his muscled physique. His chest is paler than my skin tone and hairless. He has six-pack abs bordering on an eight, and it moves with the motion of his deep breaths. He has a dark happy trail that leads into the waist of his boxers that hang low on his hips, and there’s the deep V of his impressive Adonis belt. I’ve seen it all before, but I can’t help but peruse his toned body anyway. It’s irresistible.
I force myself to stop ogling his body, knowing I’ve got to get moving because I don’t want him to pass out completely. I tap his shoulder, and he slowly opens his eyes to peer up at me.
“Now scooch up the bed and lay your head on the pillow.” He slides back, and I help him up as best I can, but it’s a struggle. Once he’s situated, he turns to his side and snuggles into the pillow, mumbling, “Hmm. Jasmine and Sierra, my two favorite smells.”
Be still my heart. I hope when he’s sober he can repeat the sweet words he said to me tonight. I watch him for a few more moments to make sure he’s good, then turn to leave because now I have a bathroom to clean.
After cleaning up his mess, my exhaustion catches up to me. I use the toilet before heading to bed. When I wipe and find a tinge of pink, I inwardly groan when I realize I’ve started my cycle. I clean myself, insert a tampon, and then make my way out to the bedroom. Kason is lying on his side in the same position I left him in. I have a queen-sized bed, and he takes up a good portion of it.
Crawling into the other side, I lie on my side facing him. He looks so peaceful in his sleep, as if he doesn’t have a care in the world. Not able to resist touching him, I lay my hand softly on his cheek then move my head forward and place a gentle kiss on his lips before snuggling into my pillow once more.
I don’t know how long I stare at his handsome face, but eventually, my eyelids grow too heavy to keep open and for the first time in almost a week, I fall into a deep sleep.