12. CHAPTER 12
CHAPTER 12
SIERRA
The car ride back to Kason’s house was quiet and uncomfortable. I didn’t speak because I could tell Kason was lost in his thoughts. Although initially his hands were fisted, they eventually loosened then he put his arm on the door with his gaze staring out the window while he rubbed his pointer finger along his jaw. I worried he was thinking about what Russell said. I had no idea where to start to talk about what Russell accused me of being. I also wanted to give him time to himself, so I sat there with my purse in my lap and stared forward, not really noticing the traffic surrounding us. I did notice him look over at me once out of my peripheral vision but then his head turned back to the window once more.
Why did Russell have to say what he said? I was startled when I realized it was him saying hello. I haven’t seen him since I broke up with him a year ago. Although he would text me constantly afterward pleading for us to get back together, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t keep trying to force feelings for him that would never develop. If anything, I was doing right by him by walking away. In time, those pleading texts turned angry and after that, I didn’t respond to him any longer.
That was a year ago. I had no idea he still harbored ill feelings toward me but after tonight’s reunion, he obviously still does.
When the taxi pulls up in front of his place, Kason wordlessly hands him over cash before we exit the car. Normally, he would grab my hand and walk me into his home, or anywhere actually, but this time he doesn’t. He silently leads me into his house while I quietly follow.
Striding into his kitchen, he opens the refrigerator and pulls out a beer. He opens it and takes a big gulp. I set my purse on the island and have a seat at the end of it before he shifts on his feet, walks to the other side, and finally speaks.
“Would you like a drink?” His tone is so formal, he might as well be offering the drink to a stranger. Usually when we get here, we can barely make it into the house before we attack each other in our haste to get closer and get off, but that isn’t the case tonight.
I hate this silence that lies thick between us. “Are you going to talk to me?”
He’s looking in my direction but past me. “I am talking to you, I just asked if you wanted a drink.”
“I mean, you’re obviously affected by what happened tonight, and I wish you would tell me what you’re thinking rather than shutting me out.”
My words finally have his gaze focused on my face, and his eyes search mine, although I have no idea what he’s hoping to find. Eventually, they squint before he asks, “Is what that guy said true?”
Now that is a difficult question to answer. Because although it’s true that I broke up with Russell, it’s not because I’m some heartless ice princess. I just couldn’t be what he deserved.
“The fact that you have to think about how to respond, says a lot,” he grumbles with a shake of his head.
“I don’t have to think about it; it’s not that simple of an answer. ”
“Either you have a habit of hurting men after making them fall in love with you or you don’t.” His voice is low, and if I’m not mistaken, there’s concern in his eyes. I hate that Russell’s words about who he thinks I am have put it there.
I take in a fortifying breath, because I’m about to open up and give him more insight into me than I’ve ever given a man before. Although I did inadvertently let some of it slip earlier in the bar, it scares the shit out of me.
“It’s true that I broke up with Russell after he told me he loved me. I also dumped other men when their feelings were stronger for me than mine were for them.” Kason’s eyebrows rise, either at my admittance or willingness to talk, I’m not sure. Out of the two of us, he has opened up more than me. “But not because I’m some cold-hearted bitch.”
He nods to let me know he’s listening. God, this opening up is hard. I feel like I’m about to break out in a sweat and rub my forehead.
“I couldn’t be what they wanted or needed. While they may have loved me, I didn’t love them and knew I never would. It was best to end it before I could cause any more hurt. To stay with them wouldn’t have been fair.” I shrug because what else can I say? I did walk away, and I did hurt them in the end.
This next part will be the hardest part to admit, but as I gaze into Kason’s warm eyes, I know he’s worth it. I want him to know more and understand what makes me tick. I feel he deserves to know a little bit about the real me and not what others perceive me to be. Maybe he senses that I’m entering uncharted emotional waters with him because his hand reaches across the counter and takes mine, rubbing his thumb over my knuckles soothingly.
Inhaling deeply, I peek down at our linked hands and watch his thumb move before I let the words spill out. “I loved my mother, but I don’t know that she ever really loved me. More often than not, she was with me in body but not in mind. If it weren’t for my uncles, who knows how I would have survived.” I take a deep breath and continue. “I’m sure my mom suffered from depression. Was it that or was her heart too broken to ever love again, even her child? Hell, it could have been both. From what my uncle Tony, her brother, told me, when she came back to her hometown pregnant with me, he’d never seen her so low.” A feeling of melancholy surrounds me. “Postpartum may have increased her depression if that is what she had, but he told me she was never the same when she came back home after being dumped by my married father. He said she was devastated.”
I can’t go into what life was really like with her because those truths are horrific. I get the image of her lying dead on her bathroom floor and shake it away. I’ve only ever spoken of that scene with Ky and my uncles. It’s not a place I allow myself to visit, much less speak about. Tears threaten to spill from my eyes, and I quickly close my lids to stop them before speaking again while his thumb never stops his comforting caress.
“My-my mom was heartbroken when she came back home. She loved my married father beyond belief or reason, and it was that love that started her downward spiral until her death. Her losing him broke her. So, although having a family is what I want someday, I’ve also learned how damaging love can be. I don’t have to be a counselor to know that I put up walls where men and the possibility of love and getting hurt are concerned. I’m not an ice princess; I’m simply scared, and if I’m being truly honest here, you scare me more than anyone ever has because what I’m feeling for you has the potential to ruin me.”
Like her loving my father ruined her.
I peek up at him and understanding shines in his eyes. It encourages me to continue even if I have to bow my head once again before I do.
“Although my mind is telling me to run before you hurt me, I don’t want to be anywhere but here with you.”
Never once did Kason interrupt the pouring out of my soul. There is more I could confess about my childhood, but I feel I explained enough and my heart is hurting thinking of those times. I also feel a sense of relief lifted off my shoulders at finally voicing my fears, and I hope he understands.
Feeling his finger on the bottom of my chin, his warm voice commands, “Let me see those emerald eyes.” I allow him to lift my face and open my eyes to find his understanding ones staring back at me. “Thank you for sharing that with me. I now understand why you asked me if I was married that first night.”
I remember that too. I wanted to make sure I wasn’t my mother, spending time with a married man who wasn’t free to be with me. I would never put myself in a position to be the third person in a marriage, even if just for a night. Though one night has turned into so much more than I ever envisioned.
“I need you to do something for me.” His voice is soft. “Trust me to handle your heart with care. I know what you’ve told me isn’t something you give away freely, and I can’t explain how honored I am that you confided in me. I know it wasn’t easy, but I promise to treasure this gift, this piece of yourself that I know you don’t give to many people.”
A small smile forms on my face before I realize his words have touched a part of me I wasn’t sure even existed. They’re delivered with such warmth that it makes my heart flutter for the first time since I started telling him of my past. I know, in this moment, that I made the right choice in allowing him to see my vulnerable side.
He comes around to me, lifts me from the stool, and places me on the counter before holding me in his comforting embrace. I hadn’t realized until now how much I needed it, but I think he did. The longer he holds me against his chest, the more I feel my body relax. I nuzzle my face into his neck, breathing him in with that spicy cologne scent I’ve become obsessed with.
I don’t know how long we stay like this but thoughts of my mom fade away and thoughts of the man holding me take center stage .
It starts as little pecks on his neck and his body reacts squeezing me closer. I trail small kisses and little licks up to his mouth until he leans down, allowing me access to his lips. Slowly, I let my tongue peek out and caress his bottom lip. He opens his mouth and soon we are kissing as we have never kissed before. There is no urgency, but the desire is there. The kissing is gentle, as if it is exactly what this moment needs. I know what’s happening between us is special, and I vow to never forget it.
Moving his hands down to my ass, he eases me off the counter and my legs wrap around his waist. I feel him shift and walk and then he’s climbing the stairs to his bedroom, our sweet kiss never breaking on the way. Once there, he gently lays me down, reluctantly releasing my lips before standing upright. Slowly, he begins to remove his clothes, revealing that masculine toned body I love so much. I sit up and remove my dress, then my underwear and bra.
His erection is standing proud and strong when he crawls back up my body, trailing soft kisses starting from my toes, up my legs and torso, and around my breasts before taking my lips again. I shiver from what his body does to mine. His mouth continues to take mine tenderly, and I don’t see a need to rush it.
This is so different from what we have shared in the past. We are usually so frantic to connect our bodies and sate our desire for each other. Moving his hips, his shaft rubs against the lips of my vagina, hitting my swollen nub precisely and making my body quiver. His dick begins to glide into me and though it’s not a hard entrance, it’s intense. I bend my knees giving him better access. Once he’s fully inside, his pumps never increase in tempo as he moves his hardness in and out of my body. Our lips never disconnect, and he swallows the quiet moans I release. Gliding my fingertips down his back, they end on the cheeks of his firm ass, and I feel the muscles tighten as he pumps into me.
All too soon, I begin to feel the orgasm creeping through my body, and I know he feels it too. He’s played my body enough times to know when it’s coming. He pulls away, breaking his kiss for the first time, and whispers, “Eyes, baby. I need to see them when you come.”
I open them immediately, not realizing I had even closed them. Staring into his gaze, I see affection in them. It’s so strong I feel it down to my bones, and it sends sensations spiraling through my body as I start to clench around his cock.
“Baby, you feel so good.” I vaguely feel his dick start to twitch inside me as his body shudders with his release.
Once we both come down from our orgasms, he kisses me again before pulling away. “Do you have any idea what you do to me?” he asks. I know he’s talking about the feelings we evoke within each other. I’ve never felt anything like them before.
“The same thing you’re doing to me,” I acknowledge, putting my hand on his cheek. I hope he really hears my words and understands he’s quickly become special to me.
With a nod, I know he has. He lifts onto his arms and gently removes himself from my body, and that’s when I realize the mistake we made as I feel his semen leaking out of me between my butt cheeks.
I peer up at him and his focus is watching his seed seep out of me. He doesn’t look concerned, more entranced. He’s seen me take my pill every day so he knows I’m on birth control, but I’m worried because of his sexual exploits before me.
He looks up at my concerned face and must recognize my sudden anxiety because he tries to ease my concerns. “I always wear a condom.”
God, I hope he’s telling the truth because if he’s not, I’ll need to get my ass to my gynecologist as soon as possible. I’m half tempted to retrieve my phone right now and make an appointment.
Noticing that his words didn’t exactly ease my worries, he gets up off the bed, and I watch as his naked ass leaves the room. I sit up and hug my knees to my chest. The movement causes more of him to leak out of me and I groan .
Where did he go ? Doesn’t he realize I need him here?
He doesn’t leave me wondering for very long before he returns with his phone in his hand and sits down on the side of the bed next to me. Fiddling with it at first, he then hands it over to me. Lowering my knees, I take his phone and peek down to look at what he’s showing me.
It takes my brain a few moments to realize what I’m looking at. It’s his health portal and it shows the results of tests he’s had done. I read through it and breathe a sigh of relief that he’s negative for any sexually transmitted disease.
Then another thought comes to mind, and I look for the date the tests were completed. Thinking back, I conclude that it was days after our one-night stand. There’s always the possibility there could have been someone after that and the thought fills me with dread, but I have no other option but to ask the question I don’t want to hear the answer to.
With my voice hesitant, I ask, “Were there any other women between our first time and us meeting up again?” I can’t even look at him and keep my head down as if I’m still looking at his phone.
Taking hold of my hand, I feel his lips on the back of it. The sweet gesture that is quickly becoming our thing, has me looking up at him. He shakes his head. “No, you consumed my thoughts since that night, and I didn’t want anyone else.” I can see the honesty in his face and feel it in his answer.
I breathe my second sigh of relief and a thrill runs through my body knowing he felt the same as I did during those two weeks. I couldn’t forget him either. I hope he knows that he’s also safe with me. “If you’re wondering about me, I hadn’t been with anyone a year before you. You don’t need to be concerned.”
“Thanks for telling me.”
A thought occurs to me and although I don’t want Meegan anywhere in this bed with us while we’re both naked, I’m curious about something .
“Kason, you were with…” I pause, not wanting to utter her name, “her, for years and you always wore a condom?” I find it hard to believe that he was with someone that long and he was never bareback.
He doesn’t ask who ‘her’ is. He knows. He runs his fingers through his hair, probably not wanting to think about her either. “I was young when we dated and focused on getting into the NFL and didn’t want to take a chance of bringing a child into this world. Even though she was on birth control and tried convincing me it was safe, I wasn’t going to take the risk.”
His answer is logical, so I leave it at that. He huffs then says, “Can we please leave her in the past now and not talk about her anymore? I’d rather talk about our future.”
I like his answer, a lot.
“What is our future?” I tease with a coy smile.
“Well,” he starts before taking his phone and setting it on his nightstand. He then positions himself between my legs. Reaching behind my knees, he pulls on them until I’m flat on my back and leans down to nibble at my neck. “A little bit of this…” His sudden thrust inside me has me pushed up closer to the headboard. “And a whole lot of this,” he growls as his hips pump harshly into me.
Oh, I’m liking our future.
It’s Thursday morning, and much like the week prior, Kason and I spend each day together when I’m not working. He’s in the off-season, and outside meetings and his training, we are attached at the hip. I wouldn’t want it any other way .
Marisa was in my office earlier teasing me about being in my love bubble with Kason, but I quickly dismissed it. I mean, I know I have strong feelings for him, but I’m not willing to call it love yet. I am falling hard for him though.
Ky was supposed to come in this morning, but she texted and said she wouldn’t be here until later this afternoon. She’s having a hard time leaving Riley to come up as she’s never left her, so I decided to come to work for a couple of hours. We plan to go out clubbing tomorrow night since Riley won’t be here. This weekend, Ky’s mother and my uncles will bring Riley for a family visit before heading back home in a couple of days.
I can’t wait to gush to her about Kason. I haven’t filled her in on him yet. At first, it was because I wasn’t sure where this relationship with Kason was leading. Her family has this notion the there is ‘the one” for everyone. Before Kason, I thought there wasn’t much merit to it, but now, I think there might be something to her family’s belief.
Even though it ended badly with Riley’s father Leo, I thought he was Ky’s one. Seeing Leo in that bar this week, was alarming, to say the least. I’d be lying if that smack I delivered to his face wasn’t satisfying.
Their connection was quick and explosive, and I really believed he loved Ky until he thought she betrayed him with his best friend. He wouldn’t listen to her and when she wrote to him that she was pregnant, instead of doing the right thing and being a father, he wrote her back that he wanted nothing to do with her or the child and then swiftly deposited money into her account—more money than Riley would ever need—and was never heard from again.
I know I’m going to shock her when I tell her about Kason because she knows a man would truly have to be special for me to allow him in. Watching me dump guys is what she’s used to.
Tonight will be the first night I’m sleeping alone in weeks, and the thought is unsettling. I want Kason’s arms around me, holding me closely because in those arms I feel peace and safety. I’ll be seeing him tomorrow night though because I plan to introduce him to Ky. We’re meeting at a club downtown.
Turning off my computer, I prepare myself to leave when Brook comes into my office with a grin on her face, so I have a seat on the sofa instead. I love seeing her smile. She’s been coming in daily and talking more and more each time. I was worried she might backtrack when she met a tutor who she didn’t connect with. I had a feeling it might not be the best fit, but I hoped for a better outcome than Brook no longer attending the sessions.
Plopping down on the sofa beside me she looks at me, and her eyes are twinkling. “I got a kitten last night,” she announces.
Ah, now I see why she’s so happy. I believe in the therapy that a pet can bring for someone with social anxiety. Her actions have shown that she clearly suffers from it.
“Wow, what did you name it?”
“It’s a boy, and his name is Mittens. He’s black with white paws, and he’s so cute.” I’m loving this version of her. She’s not hiding her feelings or emotions at this point, and her infectious happiness has me smiling with her.
“Where did you get him?”
“I found him under a dumpster behind our apartment building. He came right out to me, and I brought him home.”
“How did your parents feel about it?”
She hesitates before answering. “My mom didn’t mind because she’s always away working. It’s just me and her right now, unless her boyfriend comes back again. He’s a jerk, but she always takes him back. I hate him.”
She has never spoken this much about her family situation. Slowly but surely, she’s becoming more open. However, she’s no longer as happy as when she came in.
She stands quickly and says, “I have to make sure he didn’t make a mess. Mom wouldn’t like that.” And with those parting words, she leaves my office in a rush. It has me thinking that she didn’t want to speak any further about the mom or the boyfriend or both.
I’ll make it my mission to get her talking because I believe there’s more to her story, and I want her to trust me enough to know she’s safe to open up with me.