20. CHAPTER 20
CHAPTER 20
SIERRA
I don’t know how long I sit here on my old tree swing listening to the rubbing of the ropes each time I slowly sway back and forth. The fireflies are out in full force, lighting up the dark area that I sit in, calming me with their rhythmic glow.
I’m hating myself right now. Hating that I left the man I love with a request for space. Kason has always been open with me, but I can’t say the same. He doesn’t deserve my holding back this time of my life, but it hurts talking about the time I spent with my mother.
Because of her, I always played it safe to avoid heartbreak. Not wanting to feel the hurt that someone else can cause, but because of Kason, I’m willing to take that chance.
I have an amazing man inside of my childhood home, who wants me to share my deepest hurt, and I stop myself time and time again from fully opening up. He deserves better, and easy or not, I’m going to be better for him. The man I love is worth releasing the old pain because that man has made my heart whole again .
With a renewed sense of myself, I’m going to put on my big girl panties and face my past. I, more than anyone, should understand how therapeutic it is to talk and open up. I’m a twenty-seven-year-old woman who is finally going to get her shit together.
With a determination to finally let go and release it all, I leave my swing and enter the house. Uncle Tony is right where he was when I left, but the man I love is missing.
“Where’s Kason?”
He shakes his head in disappointment, and I know that disappointment is directed at me. “He went upstairs. You know that man is in love with you and—” I cut him off with a raise of my hand.
“And I’m an idiot for not sharing with him, but I’m doing that now because he’s important to me.”
His brows raise in awe because this isn’t usually how I respond when this topic comes up. I explain that I don’t want to talk, leave the room, and don’t have a conversation about it.
“Well then, guess I don’t need to say anymore. I had a whole lecture ready while you were outside, but I’m happy to know that you came to that conclusion on your own.” There’s an expression of pride for me on his face. “Now go get your man.”
Leaning over, I kiss his cheek and wish him goodnight. I can see the smile in his eyes because he knows how monumental this moment is too.
But first things first, I head into one of the guest rooms and open the closet I’ve spent years avoiding. Inside are the items of what is left over of Mom’s stuff. There are even some beautiful couture dresses that she wore on a runway or for a photo shoot. It’s the box in the corner that I want though. I pick it up and carry it to my room.
The shower is running, so I know where Kason is. I sit on the bed and wait. This man has changed me in so many ways, and I’m amazed that I don’t feel a need to hide from him any longer. Moments later, the shower turns off and Kason, in all his sexiness, comes out with just a towel wrapped around his waist.
I give him a smile that I can honestly say I feel, even with the topic at hand. “Let’s talk.” He looks at the box and then stares at me for a few moments until I pat the bed beside me.
He creeps over and sits on the edge of the bed, the box between us. With no hesitation, I open it. In this box are some items my mom cherished. Some items from her childhood, jewelry in boxes, and some magazines that have her picture gracing the cover. I pull one out that has her smiling. When she did smile, it was beautiful.
I lay it down in front of me. “She had an amazing smile, didn’t she?”
Kason looks down and nods. “And she passed it down to her amazing daughter.”
God, I love this man. He always knows what to say. I lean forward and give him a quick peck on the lips. “Thank you.”
“You don’t have to thank me for telling you the truth.” I look at his face and see he genuinely believes what he says.
I’m one lucky bitch.
“I want to tell you about her.”
He places a hand on my knee. “I’m listening. You can tell me anything.”
I’m not even sure where to start. Maybe with where we left off in the kitchen.
“Yes, Monica Lawson is my mother. She was known worldwide for her beauty, but outside of family, no one knew her struggles. But when she was at her most popular, she met a man, my father.” I inhale deeply then release it. I feel the warmth of Kason’s hand link with one of mine. I keep my focus on his touch, feeling grounded by it. “Tony has talked to me about this time in her life one of the few times I wanted information. She was swept off her feet. She called Tony and told him she had met a man and had fallen in love. My uncle told me during that time, he had never seen or heard her happier. ”
Kason gives my fingers a gentle, encouraging squeeze.
“Then one day she showed up on my uncle’s doorstep, pregnant, alone, and more depressed than he had ever seen her. That day, she gave up everything from her life in New York and never returned. Although people looked for her at first, after some time, they gave up. She stayed mostly indoors and didn’t go anywhere. Through my uncle, she bought a house here, and this town is where I was born.”
This is the hard part, and I take a few moments to get my mind and words straight.
“I don’t remember my first years with her, but my uncle often came to stay with her and take care of me. Her lows continued to worsen over time. She most likely suffered from depression, though she was never diagnosed. I hardly remember her smile and don’t remember her laugh at all. However, I do remember the times when she’d lay in bed in the dark and just cry, ignoring my existence. Uncle Tony was always around to care for me, putting his own life on hold.”
Kason chooses this time to speak, and there’s sincerity in his words. “Tony is a great man.”
I give a small smile. “I know.”
He moves us so his back is now to the headboard and positions me on his lap, chest to chest and heart to heart. I rest my head on his chest as his protective arms wrap around my back. I feel cherished and safe in his embrace.
“I will always remember the sadness. I tried so hard to make her laugh and smile. To make her want to spend time with me and love me, but I always felt that no matter how hard I tried, I wasn’t enough.”
Kason’s hand strokes my hair. “I’m sure she loved you.”
Hmm. Maybe in her own way. “An occasional glass of wine turned into drinking right from the bottle in her dark room over time. Once I told my uncle and she cried as he laid into her. She was better for a little while, but she eventually began to ignore me and hide in her room again. She started taking what I now know were sleeping pills and would chase them with more alcohol. I didn’t want to tell my uncle and for him to be mad at her again, so even as a young child, I hid it hoping the next day would be better. She only ever saw her own pain. She would tell me she couldn’t stand to look at me because she would see the man who abandoned her in my eyes. She said this is what happens when you fall in love and the man breaks your heart. I’ve carried her words with me for years and swore I would never fall in love and risk becoming her.”
You can do this, Sierra. you can talk about it.
“Then one day, I let myself into the house after getting off the school bus. It was dark like it usually was, and I knew it was another bad day for her. I learned from a young age to be self-sufficient, so I went into the kitchen and made myself a bowl of cereal. I remember eating that cereal and wondering if Mom might wake up soon. When I was finished, I went to her room and knocked on her door. Sometimes she would answer me and sometimes she wouldn’t. This time she didn’t. When I entered, she wasn’t in bed. I noticed the bathroom light was on…”
I stop talking and see the image of my mom. The one image that I can never forget. Kason stays silent and continues to run his fingers through my hair. I don’t know how long I sit here waiting for the words to come out. I finally find them.
“She was still in her nightgown as she lay unmoving on the floor with a puddle of blood underneath her body alongside an open bottle of the pills and an empty bottle of booze.” I feel the sharp intake of breath in Kason’s chest before his fingers start caressing my back. “That was the day she slit her wrists, no longer able to stay in this world, and bled out. The whole time I’m sitting down in the kitchen eating my cereal, my mother was upstairs dead on the bathroom floor. ”
“I’m so sorry you had to see that, baby,” Kason says after a heavy exhale. I don’t respond because, truly, what can be said?
I wish more than anything I could forget that one image. “I didn’t realize it at the time and thought she may be hurt, so I ran to her and started to shake her, but she wouldn’t wake up.”
Mommy, Mommy, please wake up. Please, Mommy, please.
I shiver at the memory, and Kason’s arms once again wrap around me, holding me tightly against him.
“I ran downstairs and called my uncle and told him about my mom as I cried. He called 9-1-1, and an ambulance showed up. I was so scared, and when my uncle came, he wrapped me in his arms and cried along with me. Because of her, I shied away from love and allowing myself to feel. I never wanted to give a man so much of my heart for fear that I could turn out to be just like her. Sad, lonely, and lost. Never able to bear a day without the man that I loved more than anything in the world, including my own child.”
“God, Sierra,” Kason whispers into my hair. I shrug because yeah, it sucked, but I don’t want to live in the past anymore. I don’t want it holding me back, and I’m ready to move forward.
There’s one more thing because I want him to understand why the thought of us scared me. Pulling back from the warmth of his chest, I finally look into his eyes. His face reveals the love and empathy he has for me, and it’s just another reason that proves he’s the one for me. I give him a quick peck on his lips and move back to my box to pull out a final item.
It’s in a worn envelope, and I know what’s inside will be worn as well. I pull it open, careful not to look at the item as I retrieve it and keep it face down. I haven’t looked at it since the day I found her dead body. It was laying on the floor near her. She must have been carrying it and dropped it. Whenever she was low, and she was crying, it was always in her hand.
I kneel between his legs and place the crumbled picture face down on my thighs. Kason glances from me to the picture and back into my eyes. “My mother loved my father with everything she had. When he ended it, she went into a tailspin that she never recovered from. When she mentioned him to me, it was when I was brave enough to ask about him. She said that he loved his other family more and that he would never love us like that. Then she would leave me to go to the darkness of her room. I stopped asking, but till her dying day, she still loved him even though he threw her away. She would lay in her bed and cry, drinking and clutching this picture to her chest. I can still hear her whimpers in my ear as she mourned the loss of him. She loved him more than me. I remember her sometimes just staring at me in sadness, and I think of those moments, as if she were remembering him by looking at me. I’ve been told I look like her outside of my eyes. The one thing I know is that he was a businessman from New York. I wouldn’t know him if I ran into him. This is my father.”
I lift the picture to blindly hand it to him. After my mom passed, I never wanted to see it again, but for her, it was a cherished item, and so we kept it along with the rest of her stuff.
Kason hesitantly takes it and gazes at it. I doubt he can even make much out. It was taken from farther away as they stood in what I think would have been Central Park with their arms around each other as they gazed into each other’s eyes. I may not have seen it in years, but I still remember it.
Kason’s brows furrow as he studies the picture before he appears deep in thought, but I continue with my truth telling, wanting to lay it all out for him. “I never wanted to be like my mom, so in love with a man that she was never able to really love anyone again, even her own flesh and blood. Because of her, I learned that love can crucify you, even though I know as a therapist that her possible undiagnosed depression played a part.”
Kason lays the picture to his side then cups my face and gently caresses my cheeks with his thumbs. I feel the love he has in his warm and thoughtful stare, and it encourages me to tell him my final truth .
“I’m not afraid anymore, and you’re the reason. No man has ever evoked in me the feelings I have for you, not even close. As scared as I may have been to take this chance with you, my feelings for you overrode my fears.” I pause before I admit to him how I feel next, and not because I’m afraid to tell him, but because I’m praying to God that he feels it and doesn’t ever have to doubt me. “I love you, Kason.”
He takes in a sharp breath and slowly releases it. Then he molds our mouths together in a tender kiss. “Jesus, Sierra, I love you too. So fucking much,” he murmurs against my lips, the vibrations sending shivers up my spine.
I kiss my way to his ear where I whisper to him, “I love you.” This time it’s him that shivers. I love that reaction from him. A sense of peace settles throughout my body as I finally break free from the hurt and confusion of my past.
“Thank you for sharing with me. It’s the best gift you could have given me, and I want you to know that I will treasure it and you for as long as my heart beats inside of me,” he affirms tenderly.
My man always knows what to say, and I vow to always be open and honest moving forward with him too. Who knew football’s infamous playboy had a heart of gold inside him? Or maybe he was just waiting for me like I was for him.
Eventually, my eyes grow tired, and in his comforting arms, I fall asleep knowing he will always be there and feeling like our futures are and will forever be entwined together.
We spent the afternoon with my uncles at the lake. I was giddy that they like Kason because I wasn’t sure what to expect after Uncle Mark’s little protective show last night, but Kason handled that well. His meaningful words about how he felt about me managed to break that last piece of barrier I built around my heart. All day, we could not stop touching each other, keeping it PG in front of my uncles of course.
This evening, we met up at a bar we used to frequent years ago, well not Kason because he was in New York at that time, so it’s his first time with us. Ky, Leo, Nash, and Sophie. Even a couple of my old friends, Becca and Luke, showed up for a little. Becca is currently pregnant with their second child, and I couldn’t resist rubbing her cute little baby bump.
I glance over at Nash and Sophie. I remember thinking there was something more to them at the restaurant when Leo proposed to Kylie. There’s no doubt about it now as they are clearly together. Sophie watches him with hearts in her eyes like she did years ago. She tried hiding it but did eventually admit it. Unfortunately, the same betrayal that tore Leo and Ky apart also tore any chance they had of ever really starting.
Sophie, Ky, and I spoke earlier about how the meeting went with Leo and Sophie’s mom, and it was rough. Her leaving went deeper than any of them could imagine. I think they needed this night to let off some steam from their reunion with her.
Nostalgic feelings are hard to ignore being here again with friends, but this time is different because this time I have the man I love and who loves me sitting by my side. I have a surprise planned for him, one I hope he understands and reinforces how important he is to me.
It’s Karaoke night and when my name is called, I give Kason a peck on the cheek and purr, “This one’s for you, baby.” Before he can say anything in response, I make my way up to the stage and grab the microphone. Ky has heard me sing before and Kason a little bit in our car rides. I’ve never been uncomfortable singing in front of others.
This time though, I can admit that I’m a little nervous because after this song, not only Kason, but everyone will know how much I love him. It wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be to express it out loud the first time, and I find I can’t stop saying it now.
The song begins and I start to sing the lyrics to Beyonce’s Halo, while I stare into Kason’s eyes who watches with me with a look of adoration. I put all the emotion inside me into the words so he can feel it. I sing about the walls I built that have tumbled down because of him and how I’m addicted to him and surrounded in his embrace. I never once break the eye contact that I know is important to him. Kason’s gaze never once leaves mine.
When the song ends, I hear the applause from the crowd, but I don’t care for their accolades at this moment, only Kason’s. He stands from his seat and with confident steps reaches me on the stage where he pulls me off and slams his mouth to mine. It’s a hard and claiming kiss that has me curling my toes in my heeled wedges. He ends the kiss and rests his forehead against mine.
“That song was beautiful, as beautiful as you are.” I melt in his arms. “I love you. Never doubt it.”
I smile. “Never.”
He kisses my hand before we head back to the table where the girls have shots ready for me, and Ky is watching me with a proud expression. We down the shots before heading to the restrooms. I don’t really have to pee right now, but I know Ky is anxious to talk because she just saw a vulnerable side of me that even she has never seen before in our twenty years of friendship.
No sooner are we inside than she’s on me along with Sophie. She hugs me to her. “It’s about damn time,” she squeals in my ear. The loudness of it has me pulling away.
“I know. What can I say? I love him.” Ky grins big at my declaration.
Sophie brushes a raven lock behind her ear and chimes in. “If he didn’t know it before, then he sure as hell knows it now.”
“I’m so proud of you and happy for you, Sierra. I knew you would find your ‘one.’ I knew watching you with Kason that he was different for you. I knew you were finally releasing your heart to someone. ”
I wouldn’t say he was different. I would say I was waiting for him. I think we were always meant to find each other, and I couldn’t be happier that we have.