IT’S JUST SEX
BELLA
M atthew barely touched his wine. Trust me, I noticed. It wasn’t that I didn’t believe what he’d told me about his drinking habits, but… well, maybe I hadn’t been entirely convinced. Then again, Matthew had driven us here, and if he was as big of a lightweight as he’d claimed, he couldn’t go around drinking like I was.
I finished off my second glass after thoroughly enjoying every sip. Reaching for my water, I drank half of it in some attempt to balance out the alcohol with actual hydration. Our conversation had pretty much halted once the food started coming. It was a nonstop barrage of decadence in the courses, and even though the portions were small, they were filling. Apparently, the entrée was up next. Our waiter let us know that it would be a little bit before it arrived and asked us if we needed anything while we waited.
Matthew told him to go away, and a laugh slipped out of my mouth.
“It’s my turn to ask you a question,” Matthew said.
I knew instinctively what topic was about to come up.
“I want to talk about it ,” he said, emphasizing the last word, and my body stiffened. “And then we don’t ever have to bring it up again.” I opened my mouth to say something in response, but he kept talking instead. “And listen, I know this isn’t any of my business at fucking all. I know that, Bells. And I’m not trying to be a jerk, but if I don’t ask you a few questions, I’ll never get past it.”
This was exactly what I’d hoped to avoid. Making something personal about me this huge ordeal. Something that needed to be discussed. Irritation bloomed inside of my chest.
“I want to argue with you because my virginity is not yours to ‘get past.’” I made air quotes around the last two words. “But I’ll answer what I’m comfortable with.”
Matthew nodded, his eyes soft and nonjudgmental. “I just don’t understand how this happened. And don’t get me wrong; I’m fucking over the moon that no man has been inside you,” he said, and I cringed a little. “And, yes, I know that probably makes me sound like a dick, but I’m a Cocaine Bear, apparently, when it comes to you.”
I couldn’t fight the smile that appeared on my face. “I’ve noticed.”
“So, how did it happen? Because there is no chance that guys haven’t been beating down your door to date you while I was gone.”
I shifted in my chair and leaned a little closer toward the table between us. “I feel like you’re expecting some big, dramatic story. But really, there’s not much to tell. I wasn’t trying to stay a virgin or anything. I just never got comfortable enough with anyone to go all the way.”
“What about dating?”
“I’ve dated. Casually. And I’ve done other stuff,” I said and watched as Matthew’s jaw clenched. “I know you don’t like hearing that, but it’s true. I could have crossed the line more than once, but I always stopped it before it got that far.”
“Why?”
“I don’t really know.” I shrugged lightly. “I’m not sure if I got too much in my own head about it or if it wasn’t the right guy, but something always made me stop.”
Matthew seemed to take what I’d said to heart. He nodded as he glanced around the room before those beautiful blue eyes landed right back on me. “I respect that.”
I laughed. “No, you don’t. You just like that I’m pure ,” I argued.
“I mean, I don’t hate that part, Bells. But of course, I respect it. Do you know how many women I’ve had sex with who didn’t mean anything to me?”
I frowned in response to that. “I really don’t want to know.”
“Every single one of them,” he said anyway, ignoring my plea. “It was just sex. There was no emotional attachment. No emotions at all on my end. I was simply fulfilling a need.”
“This doesn’t make me like you very much,” I said, suddenly feeling sick to my stomach.
Hearing him talk about other women reminded me of all the articles Leo used to leave for me on my bed. It had taken years for those images to stop replaying in my head.
“I know that. But I’m trying to tell you that I’ve never felt like this for anyone else. Sex in the past was always just physical for me. But with you, it would be everything. It’d knock me on my ass.”
I swallowed hard around the lump in my throat. “Why do you say that?”
“Because I already have feelings for you. So, while you might still be a virgin, this would be new territory for me too. I’ve never made love before. I’ve never wanted to.”
“But you want to with me?”
“I wouldn’t know how not to.”
Oh, good Lord .
If I didn’t know this man as well as I did, I’d think he was feeding me lines just to get me in the sack. But with one look into Matthew’s eyes, I knew he was telling me the truth.
“Are we done with this topic?” I asked because it was a little uncomfortable, if I was being honest.
“For now.” He grinned before putting up a single finger. “One more question.”
I leaned my head back and blew out a long breath toward the ceiling. “What?”
“Your brother,” he said.
My brother, Leo, was the last person I wanted to be thinking about in this moment.
“What about him?”
“How pissed is he going to be that we’re dating?”
“Who cares? And are we? Dating, I mean?” I secretly enjoyed asking Matthew questions like this. Forcing him to say the things that I’d been so anxious to hear was like music to my ears.
“This is our first date. It’s going pretty well, I think. After it ends, I’m going to ask you on another one, so, yeah, I’d say we’re dating because I assume you’re going to say yes.”
“You hope I say yes,” I teased.
He gave a quick shake of his head. “I know you’ll say yes. You’re tired of fighting this. You’ve never been able to be with another guy because it’s always been me, Bells. It’s okay if you don’t admit it. I know the truth.”
“Arrogant,” I snapped.
“Confident,” he snapped back, but, God, he wasn’t wrong.
Every time I’d gotten close to going all the way with a guy, I thought about Matthew. I never knew what it meant, but it always gave me pause. He wasn’t the reason I’d never done it before, but I’d be lying if I said he hadn’t played some kind of role, even if I wasn’t sure exactly what.
It was probably that stupid kiss.
If it didn’t feel like that, I didn’t want it.
And nothing had ever felt the way it had when Matthew kissed me.
“Anyway,” I groaned, “why don’t you call Leo and ask for his permission, like you did with my parents?” I still couldn’t get over the fact that he’d done that.
“I don’t need his permission.”
“But he’s your best friend.”
“He was. He is. I don’t know. We literally talk twice a year, Bells. We text on birthdays and Christmases, but I haven’t had a real conversation with him in years.”
I hadn’t known that. For whatever reason, I’d always assumed they kept in touch. Or at least more often than not.
“Do you think he’ll care?” Matthew asked before laughing. “Don’t answer that. He’ll be pissed.”
“Would that stop you?” I wondered, knowing all about the promises guys made to other guys when it came to their sisters. There seemed to be some rule about not dating them… or else.
“No. It already stopped me years ago. But we’re adults now. I’m not letting anyone tell me how to live my life or with who.”
“Except for my mom and dad,” I all but groaned, and he started laughing hysterically. “What’s so funny?”
“I didn’t ask your parents for permission to date you, Bells,” he said between labored breaths.
“Yes, you did. You said you did. They said you did,” I argued, thoroughly confused as I tried to remember exactly what he’d said to me the night of the grand opening.
“We were just messing with you,” he said as his laughter finally started to cease.
“You guys didn’t sound like you were messing with me.” I pinned him with a stare.
“Ooh.” He blew out a long breath as his laughter finally died out. “I did go see your parents though. I hadn’t seen them since I’d been back, and I owed them a visit.”
“Tell me exactly what you said to them.” I narrowed my eyes before tucking some stray hair behind my ears.
“I thanked them for everything they had done for me. And then I told them I planned on asking you out and hoped that wouldn’t be an issue.”
There it is!
“And what did they say to that?”
“Your dad wished me luck, and I think your mom started planning our wedding right then and there.” He gave me a cocky grin, and I shook my head because my mom probably had started daydreaming about our potential nuptials. “Any more questions?”
“When are we getting out of here?” I grinned.
Getting out of there had taken over an hour. After the entrée, there were three separate desserts. I couldn’t even eat another bite, but I forced myself to nibble on each thing the fancy chef had sent our way. Now, I was too full to do anything except rub at my stomach and wish I hadn’t eaten so much food.
“Don’t drive fast,” I said as Matthew navigated the winding mountain roads. “I don’t think I’ve ever been fuller in my entire life.” I pulled my hair and twisted it into a bun on top of my head.
Matthew glanced at me for a second before moving his hand and resting it on my thigh. “I want to make love to you so damn bad, Bells, but all I can think about is how uncomfortable I am.”
I shifted in the seat and angled my body toward his. “Uncomfortable?”
He patted his stomach. “Full. Stuffed. I feel like I’m going to burst.”
“Same.”
“Want to come home with me, or would you like me to take you to your place?” he asked.
Honestly, I wasn’t sure that I wouldn’t be sick later.
“I think I should go back to my place.”
We were in my apartment parking lot quicker than I’d anticipated, and Matthew was out of his side and opening my door before I could even unlatch my seat belt. He picked me up again like I weighed nothing and put my feet on the ground.
“I’m going to kiss you,” he said.
I bit my bottom lip. “I sure hope so.”
And that was all it took before his lips were crashing against mine. I forgot all about being too full or that the night air was still crisp and a little cold. The world could have been ending around us, and I wouldn’t have noticed. All I felt was the warmth of his lips and how much better he’d gotten at kissing.
Our mouths opened in unison, and our tongues touched. He moaned into me, and my body melted into his. His arm held me up at the waist, and his other hand cupped my cheek and gripped me in a way that felt like I was being possessed or claimed. I belonged to Matthew O’Grady, but I thought I always had.
“God, Bells,” he said as soon as he pulled away, our lips still almost touching. “I’ve been waiting to do that for so long. I need to do it again,” he warned, and his mouth was right back on mine before I could do a single thing.
This kiss was more frantic. Filled with need. Desire. And lust. Years of wanting one another exploded in this moment of finally giving in. His hand was splayed on my back, his fingers moving, as his other hand still gripped the back of my head, holding me in place. I felt his erection digging into my hip bone, and I loved that I had that kind of effect on him.
I tried to reach for his neck, but only my fingertips grazed, so I dug into his back instead, pulling him closer. He made a sound I could never describe. Before I knew it, both of his hands were on my ass, and I was hopping up to wrap my legs around him.
Oh, good Lord, this man was pressing into me, and I’d never wanted to get naked and straddle someone the way that I wanted to right now. All rational and logical thoughts were gone. There was only desire. I was more turned on than I’d ever been in my whole life. I didn’t even know feeling like this was possible.
“I want you so bad, baby, but not like this,” Matthew breathed against my neck as he nipped at my skin and sucked.
“I want you too,” I said, needing him to know that I was right there with him.
He stopped kissing and lowered my body from his. “But not like this, right?”
My heart rate started to slow, and the emotional distraction started to wane. “Not when I’m this full, no.”
He reached for my hand and placed a kiss on top before leaning down and kissing my lips once more. “Go inside. I’ll see you soon, baby.”
Baby.
“Text me when you get home,” I said.
He nodded before hopping into his truck and rolling down the passenger window.
“Get inside.” He pointed at my apartment door.
I pulled off my heels, held them in my hand, and ran up the stairs.
Only once I was inside with the door closed did I hear his truck pull away. The thing growled and probably woke up my entire building.
“I wasn’t sure if you’d come home or not.” Anna’s voice reached me, and I spun around to see her sprawled out on the couch with what looked like five blankets on top of her, the television playing a rerun of Friends . “Oh, you’ve been kissed.”
I ran my fingers across my lips and started smiling. “How do you know that?”
“Well, for one, you have no lipstick on anymore, but that could have come off while you were eating. But two, your lips are swollen. Like you’ve been kissing for hours swollen.”
We had not been kissing for hours, but my lips did feel bruised from all the sucking and playing around our mouths did.
“So”—she sat up and patted the spot next to her—“how was it?”
“Amazing.” I plopped down next to her, grabbed a blanket, and held it against my stomach. “Except that I’m so full that I feel like I might throw up.”
“Ew. Gross. That is not sexy, Isabella,” she said, using my full name so I knew she was serious.
“I know it’s not, but the chef kept bringing us food, and it would have been rude to not at least try everything. But now, I feel awful.”
“And that’s why you’re here instead of at home with him, am I right?” She wagged her eyebrows at me.
“You are correct,” I agreed.
“This is a very unfortunate turn of events, Isabella. I expected better from you tonight,” she lectured, but in a teasing way.
“You wanted me to sleep with him on the first date?” I pretended to sound shocked and downright appalled, but she only giggled.
“Damn straight. It’s a first date, like, ten years in the making.”
“Honestly, I would have. I would have gone home with him and let him have his way with me and not felt bad about it at all,” I said. The realization didn’t so much as hit me as gave me a gentle nudge.
Matthew was going to be my first. And I was totally okay with that. A few weeks ago, I’d been nervous, concerned that I might fumble or feel like a fool somehow in the bedroom. But when he was kissing me, I didn’t care about any of those things. I only wanted more.
“Sex is nothing to feel bad about.”
“I know that,” I said because I didn’t feel bad about wanting to have it. At least not anymore.
My phone pinged, and I reached for it, noticing a text from Matthew, telling me he was home safe and sound. I responded and focused back on my best friend with an all-telling smile plastered on my face.
She adjusted a little and the blankets fell from around her shoulders. “I can’t believe you’re going to marry Matthew O’Grady!”
A loud, unladylike laugh escaped my mouth. “Who said anything about getting married?”
“Me. I’m calling it. He’s never had a real girlfriend before, and he’s completely obsessed with you,” she said, her voice completely overdramatic in every way.
“Anyway”—I tried not to like the idea as much as I did—“how was work?” I bristled under the weight of the question as I wondered how many glasses had seen their end while I was away.
Anna shifted again, and I sensed that something bad was coming.
“Okay, I didn’t want to bring this up tonight and ruin your best night ever but…” She paused, and I cocked my head to the side and waited.
“But what?” I urged.
“Please don’t hate me, but my roommate from college called tonight.”
“Okay?”
I knew all about her college best friend. I wasn’t jealous or anything like that, but I could tell that they’d come up with some kind of plan that didn’t include me while I’d been off having the world’s best first date.
“You know how she opened a clothing store in the city, right? I told you that before,” she started to explain, going a mile a minute, which was her tell that she was nervous. “She needs help. The shop has exploded online, and she can’t keep up with orders and run the day-to-day brick-and-mortar.”
I stopped myself from groaning out loud, but that was only because Anna had already adopted a whole new clothing store language. “So, what are you saying? Are you moving out?”
She bared her teeth while making a weird inhaling sound. “Yes?” It came out as a question.
“Are you asking or telling me?”
“Telling. Listen, I’m really bad at bartending. I think we both know that. I don’t know why I can’t keep a glass in my hand, even if it was superglued to it, but for whatever reason, I can’t,” she said, and I didn’t need her to tell me that.
“I want to say that you’ll get better at it, but I don’t think you will,” I said with a slight laugh that eased both of our tension.
I couldn’t be mad at her, and I found myself a little surprised that I wasn’t. But her moving out before our lease was up hadn’t been on my bingo card for the year.
Anna’s hands reached out for my mine, and she held them. “I don’t want to leave you in a lurch for rent, so tell me how I can help. Maybe I can still pay for part of it until the lease ends? I don’t know, but she needs me there as soon as possible.”
I nodded my head slowly, letting all the information sink in. We still had months left on the lease, and it was too long to ask her to contribute while not even living here.
“I get my commission check for Matthew’s house in a few days, so I’ll be fine,” I said because I would be.
I hadn’t planned on using that money for rent, but I was getting plenty. This apartment was affordable as long as it was being split in half, but paying the whole thing would put a nice-sized dent in my savings for the next six months. Thank God I was getting that commission check at all; otherwise, staying here wouldn’t have been an option.
“You wanted to buy a new car with that money.” Anna’s lips pinched together like she was in pain.
“I can still get a car and cover the rent.”
“What happens when the lease is up? You can’t move back home with your parents.” She threw up her hands. “I’ll tell her I can’t help. I can’t do this to you.”
I appreciated her offering to stay. It was the considerate thing to do.
“Anna, it’s fine. Really. I’ll figure it out. I don’t want you to stay here and be miserable. You actually sound excited about the store.” I hoped I was coming off as understanding. And even though I had every right to be angry, I truly wasn’t. My upcoming commission check helped with that.
“I am. Is that horrible? Do you hate me? Are you going to uninvite me to the wedding?” she asked, bringing up my nonexistent nuptials once more.
“I could never hate you. How soon will you leave?”
“As soon as I can pack everything up. I’ll still pay next month’s rent, okay?”
“Sounds fair.” I leaned over and gave her a hug, my stomach reminding me that I shouldn’t move around. Ever.
“What about the bar? You don’t need two weeks, do you?”
“Nooo.” I dragged out the word and laughed. “It’s fine. Really.”
I was actually relieved about that part because I knew that I’d most likely have had to fire her soon enough. This was a much better option for both of us, minus the fact that my best friend was about to move away… again .
“I’m going to miss you,” I said, pouting a little. “I feel like I just got you back, and now, you’re leaving again.”
“I know. I’m going to miss you too. But I’m going to FaceTime you, like, every single day because I need to hear all the details about you and your new boyfriend.” She emphasized the last word.
“You’d better,” I demanded because Anna was the only person I confided in and told all my secrets to.
She always understood and never made me feel crazy or weird. I needed her in my life.
“You know I’m only a phone call away. And a few hours’ drive. I can be here in no time at all,” she reminded me.
“It will be fine. I’ll be fine,” I said because minus this little setback, things in my life seemed to really be looking up.
I had a job that I loved, working for an incredibly talented chef, and I was starting a relationship with the guy I’d been crushing on for most of my life.
What more could I ask for?