Chapter 29 #2
I shrug a shoulder, finishing off the last of my sandwich in one large bite and crinkling the wax paper with one hand.
“Maybe, but if this morning went as planned for me … say you went home and had a panic attack and you were all alone, and I found out about it later … I’d feel awful.
Or if you went to my house and I was already gone and you had one in the middle of my driveway.
” I shake my head as if to shake away the thought.
“And right now, with food in my stomach and you on my lap wearing this thin dress, I’m pretty fucking thankful that I forgot my lunch at home. ”
She laughs for real now, a full-bodied, shoulder-shimmying laugh that has her head tilted back. I take that opportunity to kiss the side of her neck, and she squeals under my touch.
“Another sandwich, big boy?”
“Yes, ma’am.”
She takes the ball of wax paper from my hand and tosses it into her bag. She then grabs the pulled pork sandwich, opening it up for me just as she did before.
We ride the next few minutes in silence, both of us eating our respective sandwiches.
And when she finishes hers, she takes a drink from her water bottle, and then starts talking.
“I got called into a meeting during my lunch break yesterday.” She launches into a story about a meeting with a few fancy-ass people at the hospital and tells me they want her to speak at a fundraiser in a few weeks.
“Do you like speaking in public?”
Holly shrugs one shoulder. “Not really. I get too anxious, even if it’s something I enjoy. I do think the money would be well spent at some of these smaller clinics, like right in town.”
I nod at that, and she stares at the label of her water bottle for a minute before twisting her head to look past my shoulder at the baler unloading a round bale.
“But…” I prompt, and her gaze flicks back to me.
“But it feels like they’re making a show of it. When I had my little episode, it wasn’t on the news or anything, but there was … gossip.”
I grind my molars so hard together I think I might crack a tooth.
Small-town gossip has always been a thing, but I’ve been able to keep my head down and avoid it most of my life.
A hospital is like a miniature small town, there are affairs and lies, and I’m sure an event like she had was made out to be some extravagant scandal.
I couldn’t imagine my worst experience, something I considered a breaking point in my life, to be talked about.
Whispered about over coffee by people who likely don’t even know her.
“In a way, I get why they asked, but at the same time, it doesn’t feel genuine.”
“Then I don’t think you should do it,” I tell her firmly. “If you decide you want to because you truly want to, that’s one thing. But you don’t need to agree to shit just to make them feel better.”
Tears well in her eyes, and I reach a hand up, tapping her chin so she can look at me. “I’m sorry if that came out rude, honey. I didn’t mean it that way, I—”
She waves both hands in front of her face, bringing them up to swipe the welling tears away with the back of her fingers.
“It’s not that. It’s … .ahh…” She swipes the tears again, then dries her hands on her dress.
“After I went back to my shift, I had this patient.” She begins to tell me about a sweet old man who she had as a patient.
One that lived around here and had fallen through the cracks of healthcare.
And then she tells me about the car accident, the teenage girl who was all alone, and as her story ends with her sitting in the goddamn morgue crying with her patient, my dinner sits in a stone ball in my stomach.
Then she tells me about the near panic attack, about crying so hard she almost got in a head-on collision, and my dinner threatens to make a reappearance.
“Fuck, Holly…” I trail off, momentarily speechless. She starts to apologize for telling me about it, but I place a gentle hand over her mouth.
“I’m gonna say something, and I need you to listen to me, okay?”
She nods, and I move my hand, letting it slide down her puffy lips.
“You are the most remarkable woman I have ever met. You are smart, God, you’re incredibly smart, and your heart is so big and beautiful, I admire it.
I know it broke your heart to lose him, but I’ll bet he is looking down at you, thankful that there was someone who cared about him that much.
I'm not a doctor, not even gonna pretend I know much about it.
But I think no matter if he was at home or at the hospital with a different doctor caring for him, his outcome would have been the same, right?
" She nods at that. "And that little girl, I’ll bet you made the scariest situation in her life a little better just by being there.”
A soft tear glides down her cheek, and I swipe it away.
“Everything you have gone through, especially in the last day or so, would push anyone toward their breaking point. I don’t want you to see yourself as weak.
” I pause, feeling my throat tingle with unsaid words.
I clear it roughly and start again, “I want you to see yourself as so fucking strong, it’s inspiring.
I want you to have the confidence to make your own choices.
To say fuck you if you don’t want to make this speech, to stay in your current job or find another if you’re ready for a change.
You’re so worried about who you’ll disappoint, who might talk about you, when I think in reality, there will always be someone who has shit to say.
But that’s why you have me,” I tell her, trying to smile.
“I’ll be by your side for whatever choice you make, supporting you, protecting you, as long as you make it for you.
” I tap my finger on her chest with the last sentence, and she nods, seemingly soaking in what I’ve said.
“We’re on our way to pursuing happiness, remember? ”
She doesn’t say anything right away, and she doesn’t have to. Instead, she settles further into my lap, tucking her head in the crook of my shoulder. I lean my head against hers, hoping I can convince her to stay with me, and I don’t just mean for the night, or for the summer.