Chapter Sixteen NourishNumb #3
“And Jamie…He was in the car. Back seat. He survived. My brother, he’s…
yeah, he’s older. Twenty-two at the time, but he’s on the spectrum and he’s a lot younger in his head.
” He drew a breath that trembled at the edges.
“He had a meltdown. Full sensory shutdown. Nonverbal. Couldn’t process what was happening, couldn’t respond.
The paramedics found him curled up behind the passenger seat, rocking.
They had to prioritise him. Get him calm, get him out.
But my mum… she still had a pulse when they arrived. ”
He closed his eyes, tears threatening to spill.
“I keep thinking…if I’d been there. If it had been me in the car instead of Jamie… maybe I’d’ve known what to do. Maybe I could’ve helped. Or, fuck, maybe it still would’ve ended the same, and I’d’ve had to watch it.”
Silence fell again. Heavy.
Trent’s chest rose as he inhaled to end the story.
“I came home. Took responsibility. Did every bit of counselling they offered. Took care of Jamie, fought the courts to stop him going into a facility that didn’t understand his needs.
Made sure he got into community living here, at home, with carers who do.
Used the money left in the inheritance to get him there.
Then I became a paramedic because… I don’t know.
Maybe I thought I could save someone else’s mum.
Maybe I thought it would earn me back something I lost.”
He looked up at Reece then. Not asking for pity. Not even understanding. He said nothing. Trent guessed he was still waiting for the answer to the question he’d actually asked.
Trent looked down at his hands.
“The pills?” He swallowed. “It was totally harmless at first. I mean… it still is , I guess. I had an injury.” He gave a brittle little laugh.
“Slipped in the wet room during training. Twisted something in my back. They gave me a short course. Seven days. That’s all it took.
” He looked up again, met Reece’s gaze. “It wasn’t even about the pain.
Not really. I remember taking one and, for the first time in years, I didn’t feel . No grief. No panic. No guilt.”
Reece remained silent. Encouraging Trent to keep going.
“So I kept them. Bought more off someone in my cohort. Just a strip. Just in case. Then… Jamie had a bad episode. And I missed a shift. And the training got more intense. Long nights, high stress, people bleeding out in the back of an ambulance, and I—” He paused.
“Didn’t want to fall apart. Not in front of anyone.
Not after I’d clawed my way back to something that felt like a life. ”
A beat.
“A good paramedic can keep calm, right? Focused. Collected. So I did what I had to do to get there. Enough to smooth the edges. Keep me functional. Not high. Not out of it. Just… quiet .” He tightened his grip around the edge of the table.
“And I keep telling myself I’ll stop. I’m not addicted.
I don’t need it. I’m coping. Until suddenly, six years have gone by, and I can’t remember what it feels like to walk into a shift without it in my system. ”
He stopped.
Not because he was done, but because he’d run out of ways to say I’m not okay without actually saying it.
And the worst part wasn’t the pills.
It was how easy it had become to hide them.
Trent looked up again. “You think I’m broken yet?” A ghost of a smile tugged at the corners of his mouth. “Because I’m starting to. And I totally get this isn’t what you signed up for when I walked into the steam room. No one wants baggage with a bit of fun.”
For a moment, nothing. Only the tick of the oven and the low hum of the house breathing around them.
Then Reece took two steps forward to stand right in front of him, slipping between Trent’s knees, and curled a finger under his chin to tip his head up.
“I didn’t sign up for anything that day.
” He rubbed a thumb along the side of Trent’s jaw.
“But I’m not scared of broken. I’ve been broken.
I am broken, most days.” His lips twitched, not quite a smile.
“But you? You’re not broken. You’re tired.
You’ve been carrying shit that should’ve crushed you years ago, and somehow you’re still standing.
Still showing up. Still fighting . That’s not broken, sweetheart. That’s fucking brave.”
“I don’t feel brave.” The words slipped out like truth finally giving up its fight. Quiet. Cracked.
Reece didn’t rush in with a platitude or a joke. He breathed, slow and steady, as if he could carry the moment for them both.
“You don’t feel brave,” he said softly, “because you’ve been numbing everything that makes you feel at all.
With the pills. Me. You’ve been chasing the pain away for far too long.
” He brushed his fingers along Trent’s jaw, eyes burning fierce and unflinching.
“So here’s the deal. You’re gonna stop that.
Not because I’m telling you to, but because you deserve better than this.
And it’s not gonna be easy. It’s gonna be fucking brutal some days.
But if you want it, if you want me , then I’ll be there.
I’ll help you through it. Every second. No questions. No hesitation. I’m here for it.”
He leant in, close enough that his breath warmed Trent’s lips, every word threaded with heat and ache.
“If the only way you know how to survive right now is by drowning in me? Fine. I’ll let you.
I’ll be your goddamn pill. I’ll be your high.
Whatever you fucking need.” He bore his gaze into Trent.
“But I’m not touching you again while you’re numb.
Because I want you to feel me. Every inch.
Every breath. Every goddamn second.” He licked his lips through a tremble.
“I want you to feel me the way I feel you. ”
Trent swore his heart stopped long enough to crack wide open.
He swallowed, closed his eyes, then raked his fingers through the back of Reece’s hair, holding him there, grounding himself in the feel of him. Because if he was about to fall hard and deep into whatever it was Reece was offering, he needed to ask the one question that might break him.
“Are you seeing anyone else?”
Reece dipped back enough to meet Trent’s gaze fully, steady and sure, his presence pressed into every inch of space between them.
“No, sweetheart. It’s only been you. For a while now. I’ve only wanted it to be you.”
Trent’s throat tightened. “Dev said— ”
“Dev saw Ethan . My brother.” Reece cupped his face gently, as if it might help hold him together.
“I’m not gonna lie to you. I’ve had my share of fuckups.
I’ve got a reputation, yeah, because I’ve never been good at relationships.
I’ve had a couple that meant something. They wrecked me.
Tore shit out of me I didn’t know I’d put on the table.
So I figured it was easier not to try again. Keep it physical. Keep it simple.”
He drew in a breath, eyes dark and vulnerable.
“Now there’s you.” He stroked his thumb along Trent’s cheek. “You’ve messed me up in ways no one else has. You’ve got under my skin, into my chest. And now you’re there . Like I don’t remember what it feels like not to carry you around with me.”
Reece swallowed hard, voice roughening.
“I mean, fuck, I couldn’t even make it work with someone I shared a womb with.
Half the same DNA and he still left me and Nana, and didn’t look back.
But you?” His voice dropped to a rasp. “I want you. I want to show up for you. I want to stay . And I want you to let me. Not to numb the pain. Not to fuck the grief away. I want you to look at me and see me. Not as a distraction, but as something real.” He pressed his forehead to Trent’s.
“So yeah. This is me. Laying it out. Handing you my heart and praying you don’t crush it.
” He swallowed. “But if all I get to be is the bloke who helps you remember how to feel again, helps you want again, then I’ll take that.
I’ll take it all. Because you deserve to fly, sweetheart.
And even if I’m not the one flying beside you, knowing I helped get you off the ground?
That’s worth the fight to get you there. ”
Reece kissed him then. And it undid Trent more than roughness ever could. It was a kiss that asked for nothing yet gave everything , and Trent clung to him. Kissed him back with quiet desperation, then pulled away, fluttering his eyes closed as he licked his lips.
“I’m not numb right now,” he said.
Reece inhaled that like a confession, and, without a word, he took Trent’s hand.
“Then let’s get you feeling, baby.” He pulled Trent off the table and kissed him again. Deeper this time, more certain. Then guided him through the house with nothing but the press of his mouth and the bulk of his body.
He kissed him against doorframes. Stumbled him into walls. And he laughed under his breath between kisses Trent couldn’t believe he got to have . Then Reece led him upstairs, and into a bedroom that was lived in and warm, sheets soft and tangled with the imprint of real life.
There, Reece undressed Trent slowly.
Piece by piece.
Not rushed. Not greedy. Intimate . As if he wanted to see every bit of him. And he was grateful for every button undone, every inch of skin revealed. And, with that same quiet reverence, he stripped himself bare.
Trent’s breath caught.
Because fuck .
He’d seen Reece naked before. Had felt him. But now, stripped of every barrier, Reece was devastating . Strong and lean, tall and broad, covered in ink. Each tattoo a story written into his skin.
Reece laid him back on the bed, crawling over him with that same intensity he did everything, and kissed him. He roamed his hands over Trent’s body with purpose and care, tracing the lines of his ribs, the dip of his stomach, the curve of his thigh.
And for a while, Trent let him. Let himself be held. Be seen. Be wanted .