Magnolia
Iwake up in bed alone, and when I sit up in the dark, the room is quiet. I perk an ear toward the door, wondering if I’ll hear Lukas in the bathroom or in the kitchen, but the apartment is quiet.
I roll out of bed, grabbing the throw blanket that’s draped over my desk chair and wrapping it around my shoulders before I slowly pad through the apartment.
My toes crack against the wood flooring, and when I get to the main room, I look around, my heart rate kicking up when I don’t see Lukas.
It’s then that movement to my side catches my eye. I look out on my balcony and see Lukas, sitting on one of my kitchen chairs as his feet bounce erratically on the concrete.
He jumps a little at the sound of the balcony door opening, and I peek my head out, tightening the blanket around me to ward off the chilly night air. “What are you doing out here, Lukas? It’s freezing.”
He smiles softly, reaching for me, and I step out, closing the door behind us with a soft click.
I unwrap the blanket from my shoulders and twist to sit on his lap, then he fans out the blanket, so it covers us both, drawing it up and around my shoulders. I press my cheek to his chest, his chin to the top of my head, and when he wraps his arms around me, a new sort of warmth settles in.
“Is it the time change, or something else that’s keeping you up?”
He tightens his grip around me. “Both, I think.”
“Is it the photo at Raymond's house?”
I can feel him nod against my head, and I find his hands through the blankets, lacing my fingers with his. “You need to forgive yourself at some point, Lukas. I don’t know how long you feel like you need to beat yourself up over what happened.”
“I think I was on the road to forgiveness. I am still, but not gonna lie, seeing that picture didn’t feel good, Mags. Knowing I hurt you but seeing the physical toll it had are two very different things.”
“They are.” I nod. “But can’t you see how far we’ve both come since then?”
He nods against my head. “I do. A lot has changed, especially in these last few months. I mean, I’m here now, you’re literally in my arms, but there’s still something nagging at me. A little voice, reminding me of how much I’ve fucked up.
“I thought … I thought talking to you would help lessen some of the pain. And then when we were talking, I thought I just needed to see you in person, and then I saw you. Then I thought that we just need to try again, that once you gave me a real shot at us, it’d all be better.
But now we’re here, I’m here, literally with you.
Every wish has been answered, and I feel like it’s worse. I can’t stop thinking about it.”
I sit up, spinning in his lap to face him. “Maybe it isn’t necessarily my forgiveness that you need.” His brows furrow, head pulled back a smidge to look at me.
“I’ve already forgiven you, Lukas, and I hope I made that clear. It’s you that needs to forgive yourself. People make mistakes. Give yourself some grace. It’s about learning from your mistakes and not repeating them that matters.”
He raises a hand, resting it on my cheek for a moment, his warm palm heating my already chilled skin. Then his hand raises, and he smooths back my matted hair, combing his fingers through to the ends.
“I love you, Mags.”
My body immediately tenses at his words, not necessarily that they surprise me, because he’s made it clear his feelings haven’t changed.
And if I were to be honest, mine haven’t either.
But we’re still in uncharted territory here, trying to figure out where and how we fit in each other’s lives with the distance that still separates us.
“I love you more now than I did back then.” When I go to open my mouth, he raises his hand, fingertips brushing against my lips.
“I don’t want you to say it back, not now.
I don’t expect you to say it back. This isn’t me pressuring you into moving along any faster than you’re willing or able to go, but I don’t think I can go one more minute without you knowing how much I love you.
I’m going to love you every day for the rest of my life.
And I’m going to spend those days making sure that you’re never hurting like you were back then. ”
With tears blurring my vision, I lean into him, resting my forehead against his. “If you love me, Lukas, can you promise me something?”
“Anything,” he breathes.
“I need you to promise me that you’ll learn to love yourself. Can you love yourself as much as you love me?”
When I pull back, I can see the tears mirrored in his own eyes. He forces a sad smile, adjusting the blanket to cover my shoulders a little more.
When we were kids, Nana used to always tell me that you can’t really love someone until you love yourself.
I never understood her comment, really. Because even when I was an ornery teenager, unhappy with my looks or feeling like an outsider among the cool girls at school, there were plenty of times where I wouldn’t have said that I loved myself, but I always had love for those around me. For my parents, Nana, Lukas.
I understand now what she meant. When I didn’t fully love myself, I became too dependent on Lukas. I didn’t know my own worth until our relationship was at its breaking point. I had to love myself enough to know that it was time to end it, even though it nearly killed me.
Lukas stopped loving himself, and it nearly killed the both of us. He needs to be able to accept his flaws, his mistakes, or it’s going to sabotage everything we’re trying to work toward. He needs to realize he’s a different person now. We can’t move forward if he’s dragging the past behind him.
“I’m working on it,” he promises. “I’ve come a long way, even though I’m still a work in progress at times.”
“That’s all I ask.”
I lower my head to his shoulder, and together, we watch groups of friends lingering on the street. Some of their laughs carry over the stone sidewalk, and I find myself smiling along even though I’m not in on the joke.
There’s a man and woman walking side by side, his arm is draped around her shoulder, with her head leaning into him. He says something that makes her smile, and when she looks up at him, I can see the love in her eyes.
It’s much like the way I look at Lukas.
Eventually, my eyes grow tired, lids heavy, and I let myself fall asleep, wrapped up in the comfort of Lukas’s embrace.