Chapter 10 #2
“So, what now?” Her schedule with The Ballet Theater, while strenuous, was somewhat routine.
We knew when we had time for longer calls.
We knew in advance when she got breaks and we could visit one another.
Not knowing where she’ll end up, what the company will be like, combined with my now changing careers might make things a lot harder than they have been.
“It means I need to start auditioning with other companies. I was talking with one of the instructors after class today. She was just as upset as I am. But she … she has connections at other companies and suggested trying to go freelance.”
“What does that mean?”
“I could apply anywhere, really. Each year I could be in a new location. I hadn’t considered it at the time because I wanted to stay in the States to be as close to you as possible. But now, if there is a chance you will be busier, or deploying … maybe, I’ll apply internationally.”
“Internationally? Mags … how will we make that work?” Some days, we struggled with a two hour time difference. If she danced internationally, it could be an entire day’s difference.
“That’s why I’m kind of freaking out here, Lukas.
But it could also be a better opportunity for me.
Possibly more money. Some international companies hire dancers year-round, instead of the thirty-or-forty-week contracts here.
It’d be more stable for my career.” Her words speed up as she continues, her tone changing, and I can tell she’s getting defensive.
“I could apply in Paris, Lukas. You know that’s always been my dream.
And if I don’t do this, what are my other options?
I can apply to other U.S. companies, of course.
And I will. But I don’t want to limit myself to just a certain region.
What if I do that and no one hires me? I’d have to move back home, but what would I do?
Work at the gas station or something? Sit around and be bored while I wait for you to call? ”
“Well, then you’d get a taste of how I’ve been living.”
We’re both quiet at that. I look out the window, noticing the snow flurries have morphed into thick, heavy flakes. They’re predicting a foot of snow overnight and throughout the weekend. Winter is coming, and the already frigid temps are felt bone-deep.
“I want to do this, Lukas,” she finally says, her voice a little more steady than it was before. “I want more, just like you. We both deserve to do more.”
I exhale roughly. “I know.” She’s right. She needs to keep living her dream while she still can.
“I’m just scared. I think it’s okay to admit we’re both scared.” I can hear her trying to stifle her sniffles over the line, and my heart rips in two.
“Don’t cry, baby. Please.” I sit up again, reaching for the glass of water from the bedside table.
I take a large drink, hoping the cool liquid soothes the burning in my throat.
Setting it back on my nightstand, I bite down on my bottom lip, knowing I need to force a lie to comfort her.
“I don’t think this will be much different than what we have been doing now. We’ll be okay.”
“I hope so.”
“You hope?”
“I think so … know we will try. But Lukas, joining the military was a huge decision that we should have made together. It came out of nowhere, and I'm just trying to understand it all now that I have to find a new job, too. I’m terrified. What was so bad about working on the farm? Why can’t you—”
“Because living and working on the farm won’t give you the life you deserve, Magnolia!”
I exhale a ragged breath, bringing a hand up to rub against my brows.
“I feel useless hanging around Copper Ridge without you. Every day is a repeat of the last. Wake up, take care of the animals, eat, call you, then sleep. The highlight of my week is Wednesday when I go to hang out with Nana. That’s my night out, Mags.
If you couldn’t tell, I’m fucking miserable.
When I was playing ball, I had a plan, a purpose.
I had plans to make real money, money that could give us a hell of a life together later on.
And now … that’s all gone. This is another chance for me, for us. ”
“But what if I don’t need money? What if I just want you?” she whispers oh so softly.
“What about having a purpose? You get to do what you love every single day. I don’t mind the farm, but I need more. I’m restless here; all I do day in and day out is either miss you or think about how bad my life was fucked.”
“I get that, and I want you to feel like you have a purpose. I don’t want to see you sad, Lukas, I hope you know that. But is there anything else you want to do besides the military? Maybe you could delay it and reach out to some other baseball teams. Do you have any contacts in the field? Maybe—”
“It’s over, Mags. Baseball is over.”
“You haven’t even tried besides your old team. You—”
“It’s over,” I bite out. “End of discussion.”
I stand to pace around the room, moving to my bedroom window to stare out at the dark sky.
I can hear the lingering conversation from downstairs.
My parents and some of their friends are likely still enjoying a slice of pie, maybe a drink, but I couldn’t stand to be down there anymore.
Couldn’t stand to see the consoling smiles from everyone when they say the same lines.
“Sorry to hear, Lukas.”
“The Lord works in mysterious ways, Lukas.”
“At least you got to experience it for a while.”
“I feel like I’m going crazy being here, Mags,” I finally say.
“There’s still more out there that I could do.
It’d be different if maybe I was older, or my injury was worse.
If being on the farm was truly my only option, or if there was some reason I had to stay in Copper Ridge, but without you here, I can’t think of anything.
I’ve been wishing for a second chance, and this feels like it. ”
“I think I’m just in shock,” she whispers. “I probably didn’t react how you expected, hey?”
“Naw,” I answer, my voice a bit lighter. “I expected you to freak a little.” I hear the faintest laugh from her end. “I think the military will end up being a good thing.”
“I hope so, I really do. You deserve that, Lukas. But are you sure you don’t have a secret plan B hidden somewhere? A knack for singing and playing the guitar that I don’t know about?”
I can’t help the smile that breaks out on my face. “You’ve heard me sing, baby. It’s terrible.”
“It’s cute,” she whispers, a yawn nearly interrupting her words. “Girls would go crazy over your ass in a pair of worn Wranglers.”
“I’ll let you get some sleep, baby. Try not to worry about all this. We’ll find a way to make it work, just like we always do. I think we’re both just exhausted. Call me tomorrow when you’re done with practice? Tell me more about where you want to apply.”
“Always,” she sings. “Goodnight, baby. Love you, miss you.”
“Love you, miss you, Mags. Always.”