Chapter 37
Lukas
Through bloodshot eyes, I stare over at the horizon. The last flecks of orange sun are lowering over the water, the blackness of night taking over. Stars are sprinkled in the sky, and I tilt my head back, searching through the stars for something I recognize.
My time in California, and in the military in general, is soon coming to an end. I’m headed back to Copper Ridge, to a life on the farm.
I’m excited to see my family, I guess, to catch up on everything I’ve missed.
But this time I will be in Copper Ridge without Magnolia.
I haven’t returned her last few voicemails. I should, I think. I need to. But even though her words are kind, and I’m sure she means them, there’s parts of me she hates.
Hell, maybe she hates me as much as I hate myself.
There isn’t much more I could tell her now than I could have told her six months ago.
But maybe, just maybe, once I get home, I’ll get my head on straight.
Or maybe this sleepless, pissed-off version of me is the only thing I have left. And if that’s true, Magnolia will be better off without me. There’s nothing left of me, nothing good left inside. I can feel myself slipping, changing, but I can’t gather the energy to change the path I’m on.
My phone vibrates in my pocket, and I pull it out, surprised to see a voicemail from Magnolia when I didn’t even feel it ring.
I swipe it open and bring the phone to my ear.
“Hey, Lukas, it’s me.”
Her voice is soft, sad … defeated. And I can’t help but hate myself just a little more, knowing I did that to her.
I had the most gentle soul, a dreamer, a hell of a woman all to myself, and I broke her. I had a woman that was willing to do anything for me, and instead of leaning on her, of letting her in, I pushed her away. I broke every promise I ever made to her.
“This will be the last time you hear from me,” she says before taking a long pause.
“I get that you don’t want me to talk to me anymore.
I think a small part of me still held out hope that we could try.
I don’t have anything new to say, I guess.
I honestly don’t even know if you will listen to this, or if you’ve listened to any of my other messages.
All I know is that I’ve loved you since I was fifteen years old, and no matter what happened between us or how much time passes in the future, I’ll never forget that.
You are a good man, Lukas. Deep down, you are.
You have such a good life ahead of you, just waiting if you would give it a shot.
I just hope that you get the help you need.
” Her voice cracks at that, and I swallow my own sob, the first tear breaking free.
It slides down my cheek, catching in my beard, and with no one around to see me crumble, I let it fall.
I hear her sniffle on the other end, and then she clears her throat.
“This is so fucking hard. But I guess, I just wanted to say goodbye. I’ll stop calling, and I think it’d be best if you don’t try to call me back.
That way we can both move forward, you know?
I hope we both do, and I hope someday, I can look back at all this and understand what happened between us.
” Her voice cracks again and she comes back with a pained laugh.
“Ahh, this was always the hard part, the goodbye.” She’s quiet for a minute, exhales loudly, and then starts again, “But that’s how it always was with us.
We were never good at the goodbye, were we, baby? ”