Chapter Thirteen Ford
The loud calls of seagulls woke me up, and it took about two seconds for me to realize that I’d made a big mistake last night.
Not the argument with Zoey—although that was awful.
No, my mistake was walking to the beach, sitting down in the sand to watch the dark waves and think, and then… falling asleep.
Or maybe passing out would be a better way to describe it.
There was sand in my nose, in my mouth, and down my pants. The sun was already beating down on me as I sat up, and there was a crick in my neck that made pain shoot up the back of my head when I turned it to the right.
It seemed that I couldn’t stop making bad decisions.
Getting to my feet, I brushed as much sand as possible off my clothing and stumbled back to the resort.
It wasn’t far, which was good because I needed to get to my room as soon as possible for a shower and some Tylenol.
Rinsing the gritty sand out of my mouth was also pretty high on my priority list.
I was glad when I didn’t run into anyone I knew on the way to my room. I didn’t want to try to explain why I slept on the beach last night.
One hour later, after a hot shower and a cup of black coffee from room service, I felt slightly more human.
My neck still hurt, but the pain relievers I took helped a bit with that. My stomach was uneasy—understandable after all that tequila—but I didn’t think I was going to be sick. It was a good thing too, because Ryan sent me a message with a reminder about the hike everyone was taking today.
Walking around in the rainforest definitely did not sound like a good time after the shitty morning I’d had, but I wasn’t going to skip it because Zoey would probably be there.
Although, I had no idea if she’d want to talk to me after last night.
I couldn’t believe that Delilah had sent me a nude photo like that. She’d never done anything like that before and while I knew she was getting bolder in her pursuit of me, I hadn’t seen that coming.
But I knew that it was my fault.
Her entitlement comes from your apathy.
Zoey’s words rang in my ears, and I knew that she was absolutely right.
It was possible that I had developed a habit of trying to keep the peace with people no matter what when I was younger.
When you were a teenager in foster care, it was a given that no one wanted to take you in.
So, I learned to be accommodating to everyone, doing whatever it took to make my foster parents like me, even if it was at the expense of my own happiness.
Even then, I was shuffled around a lot.
So, I just became even more indulgent of other people’s wants and desires. I learned that in order to have a roof over my head and food in my stomach, I needed to make sure that I didn’t make waves, didn’t piss anyone off.
I truly thought that I had outgrown that way of thinking a long time ago. I was thirty-three years old, after all. A lot of time had passed since I was in the system.
But maybe it wasn’t so easy to let go of lessons learned the hard way in childhood.
It was no excuse, because nothing could justify allowing Zoey to be hurt, but at least if I understood my own way of thinking, I could try to do better in the future.
Sitting on the edge of my bed, I opened my text thread with Delilah. Scowling, I deleted her picture right away. Then, I typed out a message that I should’ve sent a long time ago.
Don’t send me a picture like that again. I don’t want it.
I hit send, then decided I wasn’t clear enough. So, I sent another message.
We will not be getting back together. I’m already involved with someone.
I wanted to tell her that I was actually in love with someone else, but it didn’t feel right to tell anyone that before I told Zoey herself. Whether she’d want to hear it remained to be seen.
Seconds after I sent that second text, my phone rang. It was Delilah calling me. For a split second, a small voice in the back of my mind spoke up, telling me that it was smarter to stay on her good side, that I would pay for this if I didn’t make it right.
It was the voice I’d listened to many times before, but I recognized it for what it was now. An old survival instinct.
I couldn’t keep repeating the same pattern. So, I rejected the call. Then, because I knew how tenacious she could be, I blocked her.
It wasn’t a permanent solution, but I’d already gotten my message across and until I was back in Chicago, I didn’t need to deal with her further. My focus now was entirely on Zoey.
Getting dressed in jeans and hiking boots, I headed downstairs where everyone was meeting for the hike. I expected some people to skip it because they partied too hard last night, but it looked like pretty much everyone had come.
The group had grown quite a bit since our arrival on Monday, some wedding guests coming a day or two early. So, there was a large gathering in front of the resort.
I stuck close to Zoey when we headed into the rainforest. It was so different from the sandy beach that it felt like stepping into a different world.
The trees were tall and blocked out most of the sunlight, but it was still hot and humid.
Instead of the cries of seagulls, my ears picked up the buzzing of insects and the small sounds of animals scurrying through the underbrush.
Zoey started off chatting with Angela, and I moved into place beside them, listening as Angela told Zoey that she thought Heather was acting strange, almost secretive, which seemed to really bother her twin.
Zoey didn’t say much, and I knew her well enough to be able to tell that she was hiding something. I couldn’t imagine what it might be because as far as I knew, Zoey didn’t know Heather well.
Zoey shot me a couple of annoyed glances as I lingered, and I knew that she wasn’t past her anger from last night, but I also didn’t back off. I just stuck by her side, steady and unobtrusive. She said she didn’t know what I wanted and I was determined to show her today.
The problem was that after too much tequila and a terrible night’s sleep on the beach, even keeping up with Zoey’s easy pace was exhausting, and we were only thirty minutes into this hike.
I’d heard our guide tell Ryan that we were going to a cliff and it would take a little more than an hour to get there.
Cursing myself for overindulging last night, I forced myself to keep walking.
Then, Angela moved ahead to walk next to Leanne for a bit, and Zoey looked at me properly. She frowned.
“You’re not looking too good.”
I wiped sweat off my forehead with the back of my hand and gave her a smile. “I’ve always appreciated a woman who can be brutally honest.”
Zoey’s mouth curved even as she rolled her eyes. “After seeing you drunk last night, I didn’t think you’d come today. Figured you’d be sleeping it off.”
Sleep sounds amazing right about now.
“I knew you’d be here.”
She looked around, just like last night when I called her Angel. I hated it.
“Don’t worry about anyone else,” I said.
But the truth was that we didn’t need to worry anyway, because we’d somehow ended up at the back of the group. In fact, we were lagging behind by about ten feet.
“I guess we should catch up,” I said, unable to suppress the displeasure in my voice.
Zoey lifted one shoulder in a careless gesture. “We’re fine. I slowed down so that you wouldn’t have to struggle to keep up.”
I winced, embarrassed. “I had a long night.”
Zoey’s eyes flashed with a hint of the pain I’d seen there last night.
“I blocked her,” I blurted. “Delilah, I mean. I told her that we were never going to happen, that I’m seeing someone else, and I blocked her number.”
Zoey’s eyebrows drew together. “But you’re not seeing someone else.”
That was a knife to the chest.
“Doesn’t matter. I’m loyal to you, Angel. Whether you take me back or not.”
She didn’t seem to know what to say to that, and silence fell between us as we continued to walk, still lagging a little behind the others. I wanted to reach for her hand, but I didn’t think she’d welcome that, so I didn’t.
I missed when I could touch her anytime I wanted, kiss her just because I felt like it. I didn’t appreciate that when I had it and if I got it back, I promised myself that I’d never take it for granted again.
“Are you excited about the baby?” I asked, realizing that we hadn’t really talked too much about it. Initially, it was such a shock to find out that she was pregnant that I didn’t even think to ask how she felt about it.
Her eyes shifted to the canopy of leaves overhead, then to the path beneath our feet. “I’m… nervous,” she mumbled.
“Hey, talk to me. What are you nervous about?”
“I… I guess I’m not sure I’ll be a good mom,” she said, her voice hushed. We were too far back from the group for her to be worried about being overheard, so I suspected it was shame tightening her vocal cords.
“You’re going to be amazing.” I put every bit of conviction I felt into my voice. But she still looked doubtful. “Zo, you are a caring, smart, and sensitive woman. All of that will make you a great mom.”
“I hope so.” Her voice was small, diminished.
“I never told you much about my mom, did I?” I never really talked about her if I could avoid it. So, even though we were together for six months, I only vaguely told Zoey that I was taken from her when I was thirteen years old and put into foster care until I aged out. “She was a drug addict.”
Zoey gasped, her eyes asking a million questions even though she didn’t speak any of them out loud.
“It was cocaine. I don’t know exactly when it started, but some of my earliest memories involve erratic behavior from her.
I have no idea who my dad is, and I suspect that she doesn’t really know either, so it was always just the two of us.
She’d go through these highs and lows that I just thought were normal because she’d been like that my whole life.
One day, she’d be super talkative, full of energy and restlessness, and the next, she’d crash.
She’d sleep all day long, and when she woke up, she’d seem so sad, almost lost. Looking back, it’s so obvious, but how is a kid to know any better when she’d always been like that? ”
Zoey reached for my hand then, seemingly uncaring about anyone seeing us as she laced her fingers through mine.
“Other people started to notice over time,” I continued.
“The school. Neighbors. My friends’ parents.
Eventually, CPS got involved. They took me away from her, and I had no other family, so I went straight into foster care.
But the worst part is that it was made very clear to me that I would never go back to her because she wouldn’t even attempt to get clean in order to get me back.
I mean, it wasn’t a great life, living with someone that was coked up half the time and blowing through all her money and suffering from depression when she crashed, but she was my mom, you know?
She should’ve wanted me back enough to at least try. ”
My chest was tight, and I couldn’t look directly at her because I didn’t want to see pity in her pretty brown eyes. Zoey squeezed my hand.
“I’m so sorry that happened to you.”
“You’re a good person, Zoey, the kind that would naturally put her child first. It doesn’t matter that your mom left or that your dad’s too obsessed with money to realize he has such an amazing daughter. You’re naturally good, and I know you’re going to be the best mom to our kid.”
She gave me a small smile. “We will be great parents.”
Together. We were going to be great parents together.
But I didn’t say that. I didn’t want to push her after last night.
“Yes, we will.”
I spotted a purple wildflower just to the side of the path up ahead and released her hand to grab it. Plucking it at the stem, I came back to Zoey and stuck it behind her ear.
We looked at each other and the air seemed to grow thick between us. Longing rushed through my veins and her eyes gleamed with something familiar that I had been worried I’d lost forever.
All I wanted to do in that moment was lean in and kiss her, but a voice from further down the path pulled us out of the moment.
“We’ll reach a good stopping point up ahead in about ten minutes,” the man guiding the hike called out to everyone.
Zoey let out a sigh. “I guess we really should catch up with the others.”
We’d fallen quite a bit behind, so I didn’t disagree, but I wished that I had more time to talk to her alone. It felt like no matter how close I tried to get, she ended up pulling away.
But as we rejoined the others, I couldn’t help noticing that she kept the flower tucked behind her ear.