Chapter 12
CHAPTER TWELVE
MELODY
Traeger’s gone for the next week and I can’t decide if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.
I…miss him? No, that can’t possibly be right.
Except it fucking is. I hate that it is, but it is.
I’d gone for a punishing run after our almost…
whatever the hell that had been in his room before Wilson came to grab him for something urgent.
I’d needed to clear my head and try to figure out what was going on with me, with him, with us.
I’d been asleep when they left, but he’d slid a note under my door.
Not anything profound or swoon-worthy. Just a simple:
Be back soon.
-T
But the fact that he’d left it meant something, didn’t it? And, ok, fine, it made me happy that he’d left it.
“Fuck my life,” I whisper-groan as Renee and I finish up our afternoon run.
“What was that?” she asks.
“Nothing,” I say, shaking myself. We slow to a walk and Renee gives me a sidelong look.
“He’ll be back tonight,” she says, wiping sweat from her brow.
“Who now?” I make a point to be purposely obtuse and Renee laughs, shaking her head.
“Uh huh, fine, go ahead and act like you haven’t jolted every time someone walks into The Skillet every single night since the day he left, only to deflate when it isn’t him.”
“That’s…I was…It’s just…” I have nothing and she knows it. I hate that she’s so observant and hope to God she’s the only one who is. “Shut up,” I finish lamely, and she laughs again.
After a few seconds, she adds a bit more seriously, “you could, you know.”
“Could what?” I ask, looking out over the water to the mountains in the distance. The sun will be setting soon and the sky is streaked with deep pinks and reds and golds, the colors reflecting off of the mirror-like surface of the lake. It really is gorgeous here, I think.
“Could be happy here.” I turn to look at Renee.
“I know you’re still holding yourself back, and I don’t know if it’s because you feel guilty letting yourself be happy when Jonah isn’t here, or if it’s something else, but…
Well, I’m just saying you’re allowed to be happy, Mel.
Even if that involves being with someone who may not have been the conventional choice originally,” she adds with a knowing smile.
“I…you’re right, I do feel guilty,” I admit.
“Jonah knows that I’m ok, but he obviously can’t know the full truth, so I know he’s still got to be worried about me being here.
If I just move on and act like everything is fine, it’s like I’m betraying him or making him worry in vain or something.
” I shake my head, not able to really explain it quite right.
“But you being unhappy isn’t what he would want, no matter what. You’ve told me enough about him to know that for a fact.”
I sigh heavily. “You’re right. I know you’re right. But I can’t be with Traeger, not like that.”
“Why not?”
“Because I don’t want to be part of a harem?”
“Ok, that’s fair.” Renee laughs, wrinkling her nose.
“But I don’t know…the way he watches you, the way he looks at you…
” She shakes her head and chews on her bottom lip.
She does that whenever she’s deep in thought.
“It’s just different. I think the harem would be retired if you said the word, is all I’m saying. ”
I snort as if that’s the most ridiculous thing she’s ever said, but a part of me wonders if she could be right. Part of me hopes she is.
“Well, at least the asshole has been gone for the week too,” she points out, and I nod in agreement.
Jett thankfully went with Traeger wherever they ran off to.
He still hasn’t outright tried anything, but I know he hasn’t given up.
He’s made that perfectly clear on more than one occasion with disgusting remarks said low in my ear waiting in line for lunch, rough bumps of my shoulder, an “innocent” swipe of his hand across my ass when our paths cross.
No, he’s still very much plotting and I’m still very much waiting for the day it finally happens.
“Will you come to the social tonight?” Renee asks, changing the subject.
“Practice that whole being happy thing?” I scrunch my nose and pretend to debate.
I’d actually already planned on going finally, deciding it might be a good distraction from…
well, everything, really, but I decide to make Renee beg a little.
Right on cue, she clasps her hands in front of her chest. “Please, please, please??”
“I guess,” I say with a martyred sigh, and then grin. Renee actually jumps up and down and gives a little squeal of joy and I can’t help but laugh. After a few more minutes, I say casually, “So, speaking of being happy…what’s going on with you and Zimmer?”
“A whole lot of orgasms, that’s for sure,” Renee says immediately, and I nearly choke. Renee grins. “It’s semi-serious, I guess? We like each other, and we definitely like being together, but we haven’t made any kind of official declarations or anything like that.” She shrugs.
“You dirty little girl,” I tease, bumping her shoulder with mine. “Are you a kiss-and-tell kind of girl, because…I need some dishing…”
Renee smiles a wicked little smile and I whoop, grabbing her arm and dragging her back towards the main building so she can give me all the details while we get dressed.
I sit at a table with Wynn in what had once been an event space, somewhere that the resort had held weddings and retirement parties probably. Renee is dancing with Zimmer, and Wynn and I chat while we watch and snack.
“This would be a whole lot better with a nice cold beer,” I say over the music.
It’s a surprisingly good mix of 80s and 90s pop and country, and I’ve found myself swaying to the beat more often than not.
The old me would have been dancing to anything and everything, pulling everyone else onto the floor with me, and a part of me longs to find that piece of myself again.
The one that had been fun and crazy, the one that Mitch had loved, the one Mitch would never have wanted me to lose.
She has to be in here somewhere, doesn’t she?
I know she is, but she’s buried deep, deep down.
Or, more accurately, I’ve got her locked behind a four-foot-thick bulletproof glass wall.
I can see her. I have the key to the door.
But I can’t make myself put it in the lock and turn…
“And fried pickles,” Wynn adds, taking a sip of his tea.
I groan, suddenly craving fried pickles worse than I’d craved chili-cheese-fries when I was pregnant with Gabby, which is really saying something.
“How dare you,” I say accusingly, tossing a peanut at him. “How fucking dare you.”
Wynn chuckles. “If I suffer, you suffer. Isn’t that how friendship works?” I flip him off, but smile. A pretty woman with pale blonde hair and big blue eyes beckons to Wynn from the dance floor.
“You better go,” I say nodding towards the woman. Ophelia, I think her name is. Wynn follows my gaze and a grin spreads across his face, showing off those pearly whites.
“Sure you don’t mind?”
“’Course not,” I promise. “Get out there. I’ll join in a bit.”
Wynn makes his way onto the floor and pulls Ophelia close, swaying along to I Wanna Dance with Somebody. Abuela slides into Wynn’s abandoned chair, smiling warmly at me and I return it immediately.
“You don’t dance, mija?”
“I used to,” I admit. Abuela is one of the few people that I just can’t seem to keep out, don’t even want to, actually.
I’ve told the old woman damn near everything: about my life in the Before Bloody era, my friendship with Jonah, losing Mitch and then Gabby, life on the road before Jonah and I had found The Cove, the things I’d seen and done and survived.
She knows more about me than almost any other person on this planet.
“You could dance again, you know,” Abuela says with a knowing look, and I get the feeling she isn’t only talking about actual dancing.
“You can always find the music again. Always.” She lays a hand on my wrist, squeezing gently.
I want to believe her, want it in a way I haven’t in so, so long.
I smile back at the old woman and, as if the universe is testing me, Footloose comes on.
It’s always been one of my absolute favorite line dances, and I smile at the memories of the many nights me, Mitch, Jonah, and Sean had spent at The Neon Moon dancing to it and a thousand other songs, having the times of our lives.
A lot of people clear off the dance floor, not knowing what to do, but Renee, Wynn, and Ophelia remain. Renee meets my gaze and waves me over, mouthing please. Wynn doesn’t mouth his invitation, instead yelling, “Come on, Mel! Get your ass out here already! I know you know this one.”
Abuela laughs and arches a brow at me, waiting for me to make my choice.
“Fuck it,” I say with a grin, tired of fighting.
I lean in to kiss the old woman on the cheek before sprinting onto the floor right before the chorus hits.
I tear the clip out of my hair and shake out my curls, and Renee gives a loud whoop of excitement.
I lose myself in the familiar steps, finally letting a sliver of my old self out of that glass room and push its way to the surface.
I throw my head back and laugh as Wynn messes up some of the steps, bumping into me and nearly knocking me into Renee.
It had been so long since I’ve laughed like this, since I’ve just let myself be.
Since I’ve given myself permission to stop punishing myself for things that I know aren’t my fault, and yet I’ve felt the blame for all these years.