Chapter 8
N atalie
Early September
I wasn’t surprised that Alex was gone when I woke up. Disappointed, but not shocked. I know he fell asleep for a little while, because he snored a bit. I’m a pretty light sleeper, so his snores jarred me awake a few times. But that also tells me that Alex snuck out, and I wonder if it was due to regret, or if he was worried about how awkward our interactions might be in the morning.
I knew it was difficult for him that night. I could tell when his mind would drift, and I assume he was comparing me to his wife. It’s not like I could ask him not to do that. I compared him to Rob, who unfortunately took up the last couple years of my sexual experience card spots. God, can you just imagine if we all had to carry around a card, like the old school library cards in the front of the books, with the stamped dates? Natalie Jackson, age thirty-two. Sexual partners, ten and rising. Most recent partner, a jackass named Rob who thought rutting into me as quickly as possible was a stellar move. Time of partnership: sixteen months. How long should the partnership have been? One month, maybe two.
If you ask my friends, I’m the girl who is ready to burn down the world for them. Which is why I really don’t get how afraid I am to confront a significant other. Yeah, things became pretty dicey with Rob when he got angrier and angrier, but even I don’t understand why I stayed as long as I did.
I’d really love to talk to them about my night with Alex and how likely it is to blow up in my face, but obviously I can’t do that. Arianna is his sister. Kate is married to one brother, and Hannah is married to another. While Claire isn’t connected to the Santo family in any way, she’s so sweet, hates gossip, and would undoubtedly announce in the group text about my shenanigans. I love my friends, but I don’t want to tell them about Alex yet. Maybe ever.
Rolling over, I bury my face in the pillow, taking in a big whiff of Alex’s cologne. I wonder if I take the pillowcase off, and go to a department store, if I could find it?
Lord. Even when I think I’ve reached the bottom of the pitiful barrel, I sink to a new low. I lunge off the bed, stripping the sheets, and pile them next to the door. The only place I’m going right now is the laundromat.
I’m a bundle of nervous energy Monday morning, my first day as a fourth-grade teacher at Eternity Springs Elementary School. Usually the kids match my energy level, but this is a unique situation. When the previous teacher quit with no notice, the class was separated and absorbed into other classrooms. It’s been a month, and now they’re to be reassigned to me. I worry that they’ll have difficulty acclimating to all of the changes. I try to remind myself that kids are resilient.
By mid-morning, I’ve got a handle on which kids I know will need a little more attention to stay on task. Right before lunch, the principal stops in to tell me they’ve made a last-minute change, switching out two kids. As I take the paperwork she hands me, I look down and see a familiar last name.
Santo. Benjamin Santo.
And when I look up, I’m met with the exact same eyes that I haven’t been able to get out of my mind, albeit in a smaller package. Benjamin is the spitting image of his father. I’m two seconds away from calling the principal back and explaining a quick conflict of interest, but Benjamin speaks before I can.
“Hello, I’m Ben Santo. I want to be a pilot in the Air Force when I grow up, and I’ll need as much math and science experience as I can get. If you can’t give that to me, we’ll need to go our separate ways,” he states seriously.
Holy crap. The serious and stoic apple doesn’t fall far from that tree, and I think I fall a little bit in love with the littlest Santo on the spot. I guess Alex was right about potential Air Force aspirations, too. “Hello, Benjamin. Would you prefer I call you Ben?”
“Yes. Now, about the math and science stuff?”
“Are you asking if we’ll be covering both subjects this year, or would you like me to prepare extra work for you to complete at home?”
“Extra work, please,” he says with an emphatic nod.
“Alright, I can do that. I’ll need to take some base testing to determine your level, and then we’ll go from there.”
“Oh, no need. I’m the smartest in this whole school.”
A small voice pipes up from behind me. “He really is, Ms. Jackson. He’s not lying.”
“Hmm. Okay. Let’s all get ready for lunch, and I’ll handle getting Ben some extra work.”
“Just not reading fictional stories, please. I refuse to live in a make-believe world.” His expression is steadfast, resolute even, but his eyes tell a different story. How a beautiful little boy indeed found out that fairy tales and make believe aren’t real, when he lost his mother so early on in his life.
“Let’s take it one day at a time, Ben. Caitlin, you’re the line leader for this week. Take us down to the cafeteria, but stop at the end of each hallway,” I tell the class as they line up quietly.
Ben waits until the last child leaves before turning to me. “Ms. Jackson?”
“Yes?”
“Can you not tell my dad about the extra homework? He thinks I spend too much time on school work, but if he thinks it’s assigned, he can’t tell me not to do it.” He gives me a head nod as he joins his peers in the hallway, and I’m left standing in the classroom with a gobsmacked expression covering my face .
This is going to end so badly.
By the end of my first week, I feel like I’m settling in nicely to Eternity Springs, both the elementary school and the town. I love the quaint small-town living aspect, and how quiet it is every evening once all the tourists and day travelers have left. I feel incredibly fortunate to have a great group of fourth graders, and can already see their personalities coming out as we get more comfortable with each other.
I’ve always had the standard practice of spending one hour on Friday afternoons setting up my classroom for the following week. As much as I’d like to immediately leave to go lounge around in my apartment, I know it’ll make Monday morning that much easier for me. I’ve got all my copies completed, new books circulated around the room, and the individual whiteboards the kids use cleaned. The only thing left to complete is the daily schedule on the large whiteboard.
I’m incredibly unprepared when the door to my classroom is flung open, smashing against the wall, and I scream as I whirl around. I’m startled to find a fuming Alex staring at me with malice in his eyes.
“You! You’re the one behind this? Are you trying to kill me, woman?” he growls, advancing toward me in such an aggressive fashion that I reflexively step back.
“What are you talking about?” I stammer.
He flings a handful of papers at me, which slowly drop to the floor. “This. What is wrong with you? Can’t kids just be kids? They’re nine! Is this some bullshit way to get back at me for leaving the other morning? How are you even his teacher anyway? Shouldn’t that have been the first thing you discussed with the administration team?”
I feel myself sinking into the wall I’ve been backed into. Alex’s eyes are like coal, but with a fire behind them, and I’m trying not to find him attractive in this moment. But I also notice that I’m not recoiling from him like I always did Rob, and that makes me stand taller. “First of all, this has nothing to do with you, and I’m disappointed you would think that. Secondly, I did explain our, uh, situation to the administration team after Ben was placed with me, and they didn’t feel it warranted another change. He wasn’t originally in my class, but there was another situation that required a change for a separate student.”
“What was that situation?” he asks bluntly.
“I’m not at liberty to say, Mr. Santo. It is not your child, so you don’t get that information,” I reply hotly.
“Fine. But stop sending this bullshit home with them. It’s too much.” Alex stands to his full six-foot three height, and I wish I had worn anything with heels today. Anything to stand a little taller.
“What I choose to send home to my students is my decision, Mr. Santo. It is based on ability level and desire for work. If you wish to discuss this further, please reach out via the front office, and we can schedule a meeting with the principal present.” Yeah, how do you like that, asshole? I’m not fucking cowering anymore.
“You’ve got a lot of nerve, Natalie —”
“No,” I interrupt him. “It’s Ms. Jackson. You don’t have the privilege of calling me by my first name. You can see yourself out, Mr. Santo.”
Turning away from him, I’m unprepared when his hand latches onto my elbow, whirling me around, as his other hand brackets my throat. Alex’s lips are on mine before I can voice a sound of protest.
Against my better judgment, I moan, and Alex swallows the sound. The hand on my throat squeezes subtly as his tongue circles mine. God dammit. I hate how good this feels. How excellently he kisses.
This is my classroom.
I am his son’s teacher.
This is so unbelievably wrong. Unprofessional. Disrespectful.
As I force my hands between our bodies to push him away, Alex jumps backward. His eyes meet mine for only a moment before he stalks out of the room.
I am in so much trouble.
I hit the liquor store on my way home from school, and treat myself to a good bottle of merlot. Well, a mid-grade bottle. Since I’m on a very strict budget right now as I attempt to pay my brother back, I’m not allowed many extra items. Tonight, however, this one is needed.
As I’m pouring myself a rather large glass to go with my super fancy frozen lasagna, I get a text from Kate.
Kate: I was thinking about you today. For some reason, I had this feeling you needed to talk.
Shit. I feel tears start to form as I try to think of how to respond.
Fuck it. I need advice, and she’s the only one who I can talk to right now.
Me: You are correct.
Kate: Want me to come over? Dominic took the kids to his parents’ place tonight, then he’s meeting his brothers for a beer.
Me: Yes, please. I’m eating a crappy dinner right now, so come over whenever you want.
Kate: That’s good, because I’m in the parking lot.
Kate: Now I’m at the front door. Buzz me up.
She really has no idea how much I need her advice right now.
Buzzing her in, she’s at my door in less than a minute. After welcoming her inside, she takes a long look around my space. “Boy, you weren’t kidding when you said it’s a studio apartment.”
“I don’t mind it. Less for me to clean,” I tell her, motioning for her to sit down at my tiny two chair table. “I have some merlot if you’d like it, but honestly, I plan to polish off this entire bottle by myself.”
“Do you, boo. I’m cool with water. Plus I have to drive home. Can’t have Officer Santo pulling me over. The whole family would never let me live it down, even if I’m sober.” Kate must notice an expression or reaction of some kind, because she cocks her head to the side and studies me. “You have something to tell me about Officer Santo, Ms. Jackson?”
I sigh loudly, resting my head against the wall.
“Oh, yes. I love this for you,” she says giddily, clapping her hands. “You had a crush on him as a kid, right?”
“I did,” I answer. “But he never even saw me. Once I was an adult, he was with his wife, and then he really never saw me.”
“Okay, so what happened?”
I recap the time he helped me out with Rob at the bar, and how I kissed him afterward. “I can’t believe I’ve never heard about this. Weren’t all the guys there?”
“Yup,” I say. “I think they were focused on Rob, though. And Luca was pretty drunk.”
“Dominic came home completely shit-faced,” she laughs. “He’d told me he would be DD, then ended up calling a ride share to take everyone home. I took great joy in blasting show tunes the following morning as I drove everyone back to their cars. I’m not sure which one had the worst hangover.”
“So it could be that they saw me kiss Alex, but they don’t really remember it.”
“Possibly. So is that it? Cuz I feel like that’s not it,” she says slyly.
I sigh again. “No, that’s not it. We ran into each other at that community open house event —”
“Oh, I completely forgot about that! You went as a new resident, and it was his turn to be the officer there!”
“And we had a little bit of an argument, but then something was said to him, and I think it triggered him about his wife. He ran out of there, and I followed him to check on him. We ended up sort of having a civilized conversation.”
“That’s not it,” Kate states, her grin wide and infectious.
“We ended up at the same restaurant for dinner, and there may have been some flirting. He volunteered to walk me home, and one thing led to another, and …”
“Oh my God, you fucked Alex Santo!” she shouts gleefully .
I grimace. “A little louder, girl. I don’t think he heard you, wherever he is.”
“Well, good for you! I mean, it was good for you, right?”
“Oh, God, yes, it was so good,” I admit.
“So? What’s the problem?” she asks.
“Alex was very clear that it was a one-time thing. He left at some point in the middle of the night, and I hadn’t heard from him since. Well, until today …”
“I fucking love this story,” she murmurs.
“You’re not going to love this, I don’t think. Ben got placed with me.”
“Ben? Ben Santo? His son?” Kate’s face drops. “Oh shit. You’re a fourth-grade teacher. I never even thought about that.”
“Yeah, me neither. I knew Alex had kids, but I didn’t know their ages. I guess I thought they were older.”
“His daughter is. She’s twelve. But Ben is nine, almost ten. That late birthday would have held him back a year though,” Kate explains.
“Ben’s incredibly smart. Possibly gifted,” I comment.
“Yeah,” Kate says fondly. “When he gets with Carter, I wonder if they could formulate a plan to take over the world.” She lets out a vindictive cackle, making my brows raise in question.
“What was that for?”
“Taking over the world? Pinky and the Brain?” When I continue to stare at her in confusion, she rolls her eyes. “You missed out on some excellent nineties cartoons, my friend. Look that shit up online.”
“I’ll, uh, get right on that. Anyway, Ben asked me to send him home with extra work, but not to tell Alex about it. He said Alex would get mad, because he wants kids to be kids. But if Alex thinks the whole class gets the work, then he can’t be mad.”
“And I take it Alex got mad?”
“Yup. Showed up in my classroom after school today, ranting about the extra work, and why can’t nine-year-olds just be nine. Then asked if I’d disclosed our relationship to the administration team at the school, because clearly, I shouldn’t be Ben’s teacher. ”
“God, he can be such an ass when he wants to be,” she comments. “Must be a Santo thing, because Dominic is the same way.”
“I actually did speak to the principal. Explained that Alex and I had a very brief history before I knew Ben would be my student. But she had already spoken to Ben, checking on him while at recess to see if he was okay with switching classes. She spoke with me today at lunch, telling me he saw her this morning and he spoke highly of me again. He gushed about how he could tell I would be an excellent teacher, and he couldn’t wait to see what extra assignments I came up with. He told her that he knew I was going to challenge him better than any of the other teachers in the school. The school, Kate!”
“And Alex doesn’t know any of that, does he?” she asks quietly.
I shake my head. “I can’t break my promise to Ben.”
“So what did you say to Alex?”
“That how I choose to assign work is based on ability level and interest.”
“How very diplomatic of you.”
“Then he called me Natalie, I told him he needed to call me Ms. Jackson, asked him to leave the room, and he backed me up against the wall and kissed the hell out of me.”
Kate’s mouth dropped open. “That’s — that’s not how I thought the story would end.”
“Me neither.”
“I really hope you two didn’t get it on in your classroom,” she blurts out. “Even I have a limit for voyeur experiences.”
I choke on a mouthful of wine. “No! I pushed him away, he looked horrified, and basically ran out of the room.”
“Ah. That’s more like Alex. I always figured he had no game with the ladies.”
“Really?” I ask. “That’s not at all how I’ve viewed him. He was … very convincing. Quite dominant. He kept doing that thing with my neck. What’s it called? A hand necklace?”
“No fucking way!” Kate shouts. “Oh, I love reading about that. It seems so hot. Dominic does it occasionally, but he’s pretty gentle about it.”
“Alex was not gentle, I don’t think,” I admit. “It was hot as hell.”
“Damn. I have to admit, I wondered if he lost his confidence after his wife died. Dominic says he’s never dated since then, and rarely even has sex.”
“You know you can’t tell him any of this, right? I have to be professional with Alex now. I have to put Ben first. One night with Alex — and one kiss afterward — isn’t a big deal. Besides, I don’t want a relationship, or whatever the hell it might be with him. He’s clearly not over his grief yet.”
“I don’t think it’s grief,” Kate says softly. “I think it’s guilt. I think Alex convinced himself that Sara wouldn’t have died if he hadn’t been deployed. And he hasn’t been able to move on from that stage since.”
If I were in his shoes, I’m not sure I’d be able to either.