Chapter 19
N atalie
Mid-December
Before I know it, winter break is upon us. The month of December is sheer bedlam in the classroom. Lots of days with indoor recess, coupled with excitement for Christmas, and tons of extra activities in school and at home mean the kids are sugared up, sleep deprived, and running on empty. The final day before our two week break has me lying on the floor in the middle of my classroom, utterly exhausted and unable to pack up and go home. That’s where Alex finds me.
“What the hell, Nat? Did you fall?” he shouts as he rushes to me.
My entire body jolts as he scares me. “Jesus, you scared the crap out of me! I’m fine, Alex. Just tired. I needed a minute to sit here.”
“Fuck,” he mutters. “I think you just sheared at least a couple years off my life.”
It’s then that I notice he’s in his uniform, and holy hell does he fill that thing out well. I rarely see him when he’s working. Actually, since Thanksgiving, I’ve only seen him once. He asked me to have dinner with him and his kids at the beginning of December. Alex has made a conscious effort to get to know me better, which I’ve appreciated. We’ve chatted on the phone a few times, and he checks in via text fairly often. It’s nice.
I am a little surprised he hasn’t suggested anything physical, after I admitted how sexually frustrated I’ve been lately. Thank goodness for online shopping, because I’m now in possession of way too many adult toys. They’ve taken the edge off, but they’re nothing like the real thing. And I happen to know Alex Santo delivers one hell of an orgasm.
“What are you doing here?” I ask as I roll over and slowly get to my feet.
“Arianna said you went to the doctor today.”
“What? How the hell did she know that?” I yawn, rubbing my eyes. I need to sleep for a few days at least. The second trimester is supposed to be the best one, but I’m too tired to enjoy it.
“Small town, Nat. It was on the website.”
“For the love. I hate that website,” I murmur.
“You and me both. Keep up. Why did you go to the doctor? Is something wrong?” Alex asks, doing that super-hot cop thing where he hangs onto his bullet proof vest. Am I drooling? Yeah, I’m definitely drooling. “Natalie.”
“Hmm?” I respond, my eyes taking a leisurely stroll down his trim body. God, what I wouldn’t do to take a ride on him again.
“Focus,” he snaps.
I reluctantly drag my gaze back to his. I expect to find a smirk, as if he knows exactly where my mind went, but instead, he’s glaring at me. “It was just a normal checkup, Alex. Nothing wrong. I go back in four weeks.”
His mouth opens slightly, and his expression is one of shock and disbelief. I’m slightly uncomfortable, so I make my way around him and to my desk.
“You had an appointment today? A standard monthly appointment?” he asks, his voice deceptively calm.
“Yeah?” I turn off my computer and collect my things I’ll need at home during the break. Putting my coat on, I walk back to where Alex still stands.
“Why didn’t I know about this appointment?”
“You had to work,” I respond, confusion evident in my tone.
“So did you, yet you were there.”
“Well, kinda hard to have a baby appointment without the one cooking it there,” I joke awkwardly. I’m not surprised when Alex doesn’t laugh. In fact, he looks even angrier .
“I told you I wanted to be as involved as possible, Sunflower. I meant that. Why aren’t you letting me?” he says exasperatedly.
“I don’t see why it’s a big deal.” I walk toward the door and stop to turn off the lights. Alex follows me, stepping into the hallway, and I close the classroom door. “There wasn’t even an ultrasound. The OB asked some questions and listened to the heartbeat.”
Alex wordlessly follows me downstairs and out into the parking lot, not speaking until we’re out of earshot. “The point is I should have been told about the appointment. You didn’t even give me the opportunity to go, Natalie. You took the decision away from me.”
“You had to work,” I say again, approaching my car. “I didn’t think you could go, and I didn’t think you’d want to go. It’s not that big of a deal.”
“Stop saying that,” he snaps. “I’ll decide what’s a big deal for my own fucking life. You don’t get to unilaterally make these decisions. If I say I want to be told about every appointment, I mean every fucking appointment. I don’t care if it’s to a podiatrist to get a hangnail removed. As long as my baby is in your belly, you tell me everything.”
I’ve never seen Alex so angry, and my hackles go up. “Your baby? Not mine? How positively prehistoric of you, Alessio. Will you also be telling me how my birth plan will go? As the man, I assume that’s your right, yes? Heaven forbid I make my own decisions. I’m just a silly little woman.”
Fire dances in his eyes as he steps toward me. “That’s not the same thing, and you fucking know it. I would never tell you what you need to do to your body. But that baby is as much mine as it is yours. You disrespected me, and now you’re trying to make it my fault.”
“Oh my God. I’m not having this conversation right now. I’m tired, and I want to go home. Have a lovely Christmas, Alex.” I open my door with a flourish, then slide into the driver’s seat. Alex steps out of the way as I slam the door shut. Starting the car, I peel out of the parking lot. Good riddance, asshole.
I’m removing my shoes ten minutes later when someone pounds on my door. Assuming it’s the landlord, I open it, unprepared for an angry Alex to push inside. He slams the door behind him and crowds me against the wall. “I am so fucking angry with you, Natalie. So fucking angry. Don’t take these moments away from me. Don’t assume that I can’t do something, or won’t want to be there. I missed out on so much with Abbie and Ben because I was deployed. Don’t take this away from me.”
I feel the blood drain from my face as I stare at him. His eyes, typically a lighter brown, are alive with hurt, anger, and pain, the darkest I’ve ever seen them. I never thought he’d respond this way. I did assume. I figured it was a routine checkup, and he’d been through countless ones before. “Shit, Alex, I’m so sorry. I never thought —”
The words die on my lips when he thrusts both hands into my hair, holding my head in place. His nose touches mine, and hot breath courses over my skin like fire. “That’s right. You didn’t think. You lumped me into the same category as your dick-for-brains ex, not even allowing me to change your mind.”
Holy shit. He’s right. I did put him in the same category as Rob, and as every other ex I’ve had. I just assumed he wouldn’t be interested, or be pissed about asking him to take time off.
Alex tightens his fingers in my hair, his nails lightly scratching my scalp, and I let out a reflexive moan. I find my hands bunched against his chest, noting he’s removed his bullet proof vest and belt. I don’t even know when that happened. “Why are you here, Alex?”
He steps forward a handful of inches until his body lines up with mine. “Because.”
“Because why?” I whisper as he drags his nose up and down the length of mine, my eyes slowly closing as one hand slides down from my hair to bracket my neck. I whimper when his thumb finds my pulse point, my heartbeat wild in my chest.
“Because I don’t think I can fight this anymore,” he finally says, crashing his lips against mine. I can’t help the gasp that flows from my mouth into his as he skirts his tongue along mine. It’s been months since I experienced an Alex kiss, but his taste bursts forward like a favorite memory that I’d only briefly forgotten. His hand moves around to the back of my neck, and I feel centered. Treasured. Safe.
How can one simple move strike me to my core so completely?
I take one hand and slide it up his spine, feeling a subtle tremble as I thrust my fingers into his hair. Most of the time, Alex keeps his hair in a military-grade cut. I’ve noticed recently that he’s been keeping it longer on top, allowing for a tousled look that looks perfect on him. Alex is always composed and organized. Even while briefly in his home, I noticed that everything had a place, and I’d bet even his socks and boxers were meticulously folded in his drawers. But I know how Alex is at night, when he lets loose. How he allows his senses to take over. Grabbing onto his luscious locks, I pull tightly, just as he did to me only moments ago, and the subsequent groan Alex unleashes tells me I’m on to something.
Alex breaks off the kiss, and before I can voice my displeasure, he nips at my jawline, then moves to my neck. Grabbing one thigh, he hoists my leg around his hips, and I rise to my tiptoes, seeking the friction I crave. I feel Alex chuckle against my skin as he grabs the other thigh, picking me up and holding me against the wall.
“I want to fuck you right here,” he whispers, peppering kisses along my exposed collarbone. “Want to feel you break apart on my cock with your back against the wall, with me controlling you. When you move. How you come. What you feel.”
“God, yes, please,” I moan, moving to get down so I can remove my pants. He can have me anywhere. Anywhere . I just want this never-ending itch to be satisfied, because I’m certainly not scratching it enough by myself.
“Another time,” he murmurs as he drags his tongue up to my earlobe, sucking on it gently. Hands under my ass, he steps away from the wall, and I gasp.
“Put me down before you hurt your back,” I protest.
“What?” he asks incredulously. “We’ve been over this, Sunflower.”
“I mean, I know I’m not tiny, but my weight isn’t the whole reason. You’re in your late thirties, and you’re a cop! I know it’s a physical job, and I can’t be the reason why you might struggle with normal cop duties.”
“Trust me, Sunflower, the majority of my job is answering calls about the goddamned marmot, and doing paperwork. Eternity isn’t a hotbed for criminal activity. Besides,” he says, as he drops me onto my bed, “it’s about five feet from your door to the bed. I think I can handle that. Now take off your fucking pants.”
Because I’m nothing if not an aggravation to Alex, I pop a foot up and place it on his chest. “If you want them off so badly, you do it.”
His eyes darken as he grins wickedly at me. “Twice now, I’ve told you I’ve thought about tying you down to make you listen. You want to know what happens if I have to tell you again?”
Alex leans down, bracketing me against the bed, and waits for my answer. Neither one of us is surprised when I answer honestly, “Yes.”
I am, however, shocked when I’m unceremoniously turned over, my pants and underwear yanked down to my ankles, and a thwack sound reverberates around the room before the pain registers. “Did you just spank me?”
Thwack. “You asked for it.”
Thwack-thwack. “I didn’t exactly ask —” thwack, and oh God, I’m positively dripping now, “— fuck, Alex. Why does that feel so good?”
He smooths a hand over my ass as he admires his work. “Because you’re my dirty girl, aren’t you? Fucking knew you’d like this.”
“Then why suggest it as a punishment?” I moan.
“Never said it was a punishment, baby.” I feel his lips on my skin, kissing away the sting, before he grabs my hips and pulls so my stomach and thighs are in the air. With where my pants still hang around my ankles, and Alex’s knees on either side of my feet, I’m in a precarious position, with my pussy on full display.
But I’m too focused on how he called me baby, and I’m not sure if Alex even realizes he said it. He’s done it before. Secretly, I love it. There’s something so comforting, and yet electrifying, about Alex calling me baby. It’s like I’m his. As I’m thinking about the term of endearment, he spreads my cheeks, admiring my core.
“This has got to be the prettiest cunt I’ve ever seen,” he murmurs, lightly stroking one finger up and down, before sliding it to my back hole. “Should have spent more time here. Bet the men you’ve been with have never treated this ass to pleasure.”
He’d be right. I’ve always been intrigued with anal, and only finally got the courage to ask Rob about it when we’d been together almost a year. He bit my head off, telling me that if a man enjoys anal, he must be gay. It never really made sense to me, but I didn’t bring it up again, and — oh my fucking God, is Alex rimming me with his tongue? The guttural moan that bursts from my lungs is loud enough to wake hibernating bears. Holy hell, the pleasure coursing through my veins is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. Starbursts of color explode behind my eyelids, and every synapse beneath my skin hums with endorphins. I feel a fingertip press against my clit as what seems like two fingers slide into my channel, finding my G-spot immediately. Alex is playing me like a violin, hitting every perfect spot to make me sing.
And, yeah. I sing.
The orgasm that overtakes me steals my breath. It goes on for what seems like minutes, and Alex patiently strokes me through it. When my body finally stops shuddering, he gently lays me on my side. Panting, I wait for my breathing to regulate before I peel open my eyes, only to find the room empty. Did he leave? Again?
I hear the sink in the bathroom turn on, and I take a relieved exhale. It’s possible I have a little bit of trauma from our one night, because I can’t believe how quickly I jumped to that conclusion. When Alex returns, he gives me a sheepish smile. “I hope you don’t mind, but I used some of your mouthwash.”
“Why?” I ask, befuddled. “Your breath is fine.”
“Uh,” he says, reaching behind his head to scratch at the back of his neck, “I want to kiss you again. And I don’t feel comfortable after doing … what I did.”
I stare at him in shock. “You just licked my asshole, but you can’t say the words out loud?”
He throws back his head with a bark of laughter, but I notice the slight pink hue that creeps onto his neck. “I guess not.”
Kicking off my pants and underwear, I beckon him to come closer. “Come here, then. I need a kiss.”
When his brow furrows, a little wrinkle appearing between them, I’m confused. “We, uh, have to switch positions, Sunflower. ”
“Why?”
He points to my belly once, then again, before making eye contact. “The baby. You have to be on top. Can’t crush the baby.”
Lord. I’m so focused on orgasms that I can’t even think straight. “I guess it’s good that one of us is being level headed and thinking clearly.”
“One of us is currently cum-drunk, so the other is paying attention,” Alex says with a teasing smile. I can’t help but stare. Alex is incredibly handsome no matter the time, but smiling Alex, carefree and happy Alex, takes my breath away. “You’re staring, Sunflower.”
“I just …” I trail off, clearing my throat. I want to tell him how lovely it is to see him smile without sounding like a complete lovestruck dummy. “I like when you tease me.”
Alex smiles softly as he grabs my hands and pulls me to standing. “Gotta admit, I like teasing you.”
He sits on the edge of the bed, patting his lap. Straddling him, I sink into his lap as I wrap my arms around his shoulders. When he reaches up to push my hair behind both ears, I’m suddenly overcome with insecurity. In the quiet of my apartment, sitting half naked in Alex’s lap, I’m struck by how different this interaction is, even from our night together. Worried that I’m the only one feeling the connection, I try to duck my head and put it on his shoulder, but he intercepts the movement with one hand on my chin. “What’s going on in that head of yours?”
As his brown eyes study me, I struggle with finding a suitable answer, as my own version of word vomit churns up my throat. “This is odd. Right? I’m not wearing pants, and you’re still completely clothed, and you licked my ass, Alex. You could barely be in the same room with me weeks ago, yet now we’re here, and what the hell is this? Are you going to sneak out again? Will it be weeks before I hear from you? This is just so weird, and I think I need some parameters so I know what to expect.”
I watch as the shutters close on his eyes, as Alex builds up the walls again. I knew I should have stifled my voice. I always struggle with lacking a filter, but this pregnancy has made me doubt everything, and I thought maybe I could express myself with tact and respect. Instead, I played the ‘what is this’ card while sitting in his lap, when I know he wants nothing from me.
“Alex, I’m sorry. That was so out of line, and please just ignore everything I said. Please,” I say quietly, humiliation dotting every one of my words.
Alex clears his throat before responding. “I’m struggling, Sunflower. I think I have feelings for you, and I’m working through it. I’ve never felt like this. I’m so fucking attracted to you, and I don’t know how to process that. I know I’ve done a shitty job of supporting you, and I promise I’ll do better. But I don’t know what all I’m prepared to offer right now. I don’t know how to move forward.”
“Oh,” I mumble. “It seems like you hate me most of the time, so I guess it’s confusing when you suddenly seem to … not hate me.”
“You think I hate you?”
“Well, yeah,” I shrug. “You didn’t want anything with me, and now you’re forced to have a kid with me. We’ve argued almost every time we’ve talked.”
“That’s not — that’s not because I hated you. It’s because I wanted you.”