Chapter 17
D ominic
I chuckle when the phone beeps to tell me the call ended. Kate has an interesting habit of hanging up on me for a variety of reasons. Usually it’s when she’s mad over something I’ve said, or when I disagree with a decision she’s made regarding my children. I’m not surprised that I’ve shocked her into metaphorically running away from me. But it’s about damn time that she knows my thoughts.
I’m not letting go of Kate.
I came to that realization when she exited the highway toward Matt’s house and I continued north. I was so fucking close to following her. If it had been any other reason, I would have. But I knew Aspen needed me. Even doped up, she burst into tears when she saw me, then promptly fell asleep.
I’m getting cried on a lot today, it seems.
It takes a few hours for the doctors to confirm with a radiologist that Aspen’s ankle is indeed sprained, and then we have to wait for the staff to locate a pair of children’s crutches. Once Aspen woke up, she had a million questions about how life would be for her with a sprained ankle, but even more about why I left town to find Kate.
“Is Katie gonna come home?” she asks. Aspen doesn’t always call her Katie, but I think Kate likes it when she does. I doubt Kate will ever admit she loves it when I call her Katharine as well.
“Yes.”
“Today? ”
I sigh and look at my watch. I’ve now been up for about twenty-four hours, and the sleep I got the previous night was subpar at best. “I believe she will be home today, yes.”
“Did she leave because of you?” Aspen asks bluntly. I should be angry at her question, but it’s a fair thing to ask. The last thing Aspen saw was an argument between Kate and me.
“I’m pretty sure she did leave because of me. We had an argument.”
“About what?”
“A few different things, most of which is grown-up stuff, Aspen.”
“It’s cuz she uses the money you leave her to buy us ice cream, isn’t it?”
I stare at her in shock. “Uh, yeah, that was one thing. How did you know that?”
She rolls her eyes, reminding me she’s going to be an awful teenager one day with a hormonal attitude. “Jeez, Daddy. I pay attention. She always packs food for herself on nights we get ice cream. It’s not hard to see that.”
“I don’t think your brother or sister recognized that,” I comment.
“I pay the most attention,” she comments. “Is that what you fought about on Friday?”
“Yes,” I answer simply.
She nods. “I thought so. I asked Katie about it too, you know. Right before you got there. I think she doesn’t want you to worry about her. But I like Kate. I don’t want her to move away like Savannah. So be nicer to her.”
It’s not lost on me that Aspen refuses to call Savannah mom, instead using her real name. “What do you like about Kate?”
“Lots of things,” she says, her eyes closing as a hint of a smile graces her beautiful face. Aspen’s cheeks have recently lost most of their baby fat, making me realize my baby is no longer one. “I like that she braids my hair and does space buns, and how she always sings to the music on the radio. She tells the best stories, and she always puts her phone away when I’m talking to her. She lets me help cook dinner sometimes, too. But most of all …”
“What?” I ask quietly.
Aspen yawns. “She loves me. I can tell she loves all of us. Even you, Daddy. Maybe not so much when you’re grumpy, but most of the other times.”
“You think she loves me?” I ask.
“Uh-huh.”
“How do you know?”
“When you say nice things to her, she always smiles. And she pats her hair down when you get home from work, cuz she wants to look nice for you. I think she wants you to kiss her, though. You should do that more often. Girls like that.”
“Girls like kissing?”
“You’re Katie’s husband. You’re supposed to kiss her,” Aspen says with a giggle, then yawns again. I scoot in next to her on the bed and kiss her forehead. It’s been an incredibly long night for both of us.
“I’ll keep that in mind, munchkin,” I whisper as I close my eyes and rest my head back.
What feels like a minute later, I’m woken up by a hand on my arm, and I peel open one eye to find a mirage in front of me. It must just be a nurse that looks like Kate, because there’s no way it’s my Kate.
“Hi,” she whispers, and I find myself smiling because she even sounds like Kate.
“You sound like my wife,” I mumble.
“That’s probably a good thing, since I am your wife,” she replies, and my eyes pop open to find Kate grinning at me.
“What are you doing here?” I ask incredulously.
“I couldn’t sleep, knowing she was here. I left a note for Matt and Victoria, explaining that I wanted to get back and see her.”
“Just her?” I blurt out, wincing imperceptibly at my own lack of tact.
“Not just her,” Kate whispers .
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.” Kate looks away shyly, a hint of a smile gracing her beautiful face. “But Dominic, we have a lot of things we have to talk about.”
It’s then that I notice her hand is still on my arm, and I grab it to lace our fingers together. “I know.”
“Katie!” Aspen cries. “You’re here!”
“Hi, munchkin!” Kate says gleefully, bending over me to give Aspen a hug. I get a whiff of her shampoo, and a wave of peace comes over me. In such a short time, Kate has been a better wife to me and a mother to my children than Savannah ever was.
“I can’t believe you’re here,” Aspen stammers, her voice muffled.
“Of course I came. Had to check on my favorite first grader,” Kate replies.
“Can I drive home with you?” Aspen asks, making both Kate and me laugh.
“What am I, chopped liver?” I joke.
Aspen has the decency to look sheepish. “Your car is boring, Daddy. Kate lets me pick out the music.”
“And what is your favorite music?” I ask.
Aspen opens her mouth, looking confused. “What’s that stuff we always scream to?”
I raise an eyebrow as I wait for Kate to respond. The music she plays at home isn’t anything scream-worthy, and Kate doesn’t seem like she’d enjoy heavy metal.
Kate laughs at the look on my face. “It’s Broadway music, Dominic. We listen to Broadway songs.”
“Oh yeah!” Aspen says excitedly. “Did you know Frozen used to be on Broadway, Daddy? And now they perform all over the place in buses!”
“They travel in buses, Aspen. They perform on a stage,” Kate corrects.
“That’s what I meant,” Aspen shrugs before looking at me. “But my favorite is the witch stuff. ”
“The witch stuff?” I ask, looking up at Kate again for clarification.
“She means Wicked .”
“I’m still not following.”
“Jeez, Daddy, you’re so boring,” Aspen says with an exaggerated eye roll again. “It’s about a green witch and a white witch. Everybody thinks the green witch is bad cuz she’s green. But she’s not! She’s just sunderstood.”
“Misunderstood,” Kate and I reply simultaneously.
“That’s what I said!” Aspen scoffs. “Then they both like this guy, but he likes the green witch. Then there’s monkeys and somebody melts.”
“So …” I start, then slam my mouth shut.
“It’s a musical based on The Wizard of Oz,” Kate supplies.
“Has she seen the movie?” I ask.
“Wicked doesn’t have a movie out right now.”
“I meant The Wizard of Oz.”
“Uh, yes. We all watched it,” Kate answers nervously.
“That seems a little too mature for her age, Katharine,” I state. “Besides, where was I? None of them ever told me they watched the movie.”
“You were at work,” Kate snaps, ripping her hand from mine. “And the movie has a G rating. I looked it up to be sure. None of them were frightened because they understood it’s make-believe, Dominic. It sure would be nice if you’d trust me to do anything with them. Maybe you should let me do my job and stop helicoptering every decision I make.”
“Yeah, Daddy,” Aspen shouts. “I liked the movie, and the music is amazing. Don’t get mad at Katie. Sienna was the one who started us on watching the music movies anyway.”
“Musicals,” Kate and I again respond together.
“Whatever,” Aspen mutters.
Kate stands, her arms crossed, looking like a pissed off fairy. She added blue streaks to her hair this week, but some purple still shows through from her previous dye job. A glittery bracelet adorns her left wrist, which makes me stare at her hand. The basic wedding band I purchased, almost as an afterthought, is glaringly opposite to her personality and style. I thought briefly of buying her an engagement ring, but a diamond doesn’t seem right either. Kate would need a stone of color. Pizzazz. Spice. She’s not cookie-cutter by any means, and her ring should reflect that.
“I’m sorry,” I state.
“What?” Kate shrieks. “Shit, that was loud. Sorry. But did you just say you’re sorry? For what?”
“You act as if I can’t apologize,” I respond wryly.
“In the two years I’ve been nannying for you, I don’t think you’ve apologized to me once.”
“Surely that’s incorrect,” I say. There’s no way. I had to have apologized for something.
“Are you seriously trying to remember any apologies at all?” she asks, her voice dripping with thinly veiled anger.
“No, not exactly. I was thinking back to when my most recent apology would have been, but I can’t remember … any,” I finally finish. Kate looks momentarily victorious before her expression drops. Fucking hell. Am I really this awful to everyone in my life? “I’m sorry, Katharine. I didn’t realize how that must feel for you. For everyone, actually.”
“You should be nicer to all of us, Daddy,” Aspen comments.
“I should,” I reply, my mind whirling. “I knew I was strict and expected a lot out of people, but I didn’t realize I never owned up to my own mistakes. I’ll admit that I sometimes goad you into arguments when I know you’re right, because I really love how your eyes change colors when you feel challenged by me. I didn’t realize I’ve never admitted to being wrong after the fact.”
Kate sits next to me on the bed, precariously perched on the edge as her hand again covers mine. “Sometimes I can tell when you’re feeling guilty about it, or you know you’re wrong. Not all the time, though. But I get it. It’s not like you completely think you’re right all the time. ”
I turn to grab her hand tightly, needing the connection. “I’m trying. I’ve been working with a therapist —”
“You’re seeing a therapist?” Kate screeches, then slaps her other hand over her mouth. “Sorry. I didn’t know that, Dominic. That’s so great!”
“Really?” I ask. “I haven’t told anyone. I figured it would be emasculating or something. Men are supposed to hold all of their emotions in, but sometimes my anxiety gets the best of me, and it boils over.”
“You have anxiety?” Kate asks softly.
Aspen taps my arm. “What’s anxiety?”
Turning to her, I try to think of a way to describe it. “Anxiety is what I feel when I don’t know what to expect in life. It makes me feel uneasy. I worry a lot when I can’t control things. So I’ve been seeing a special kind of doctor called a therapist, and he’s helping me with anxiety by teaching me strategies to use.”
Aspen looks contemplative. “Is that why you like us to do things your way?”
“Probably,” I reply sheepishly. I want to run my hand through my hair, but one arm is wrapped around Aspen, and Kate is holding my other hand, and I refuse to let go of either of them.
“And it’s going alright? With the therapist?” Kate asks, and I nod. “Okay. Would it help if I went to a session with you so I can learn what to do?”
I’m momentarily taken aback at her willingness to help. I’ve had anxiety for as long as I can remember. When I’d mentioned it to Savannah, she blew me off and told me to suck it up. My mom was somewhat understanding, but my father told me that men don’t have anxiety, and anything I’m feeling I just need to internalize it. A fine example of old-school thinking.
“I’m not sure if that’s necessary, but I’ll ask,” I finally say, and Kate squeezes my hand in reassurance.
“It’s not something to be embarrassed about. I truly believe that anxiety is a spectrum, and everyone has anxiety in one form or another. You should be proud of yourself for recognizing that you need help, and even prouder for getting the help. So many people don’t do that, Dominic, and they live in a constant state of fight-or-flight because of it.”
“My therapist and I have talked about that, actually,” I admit. “He wants me to go on medication for it, but I’m worried about side effects and if it’ll interfere with my job and role as a primary caregiver to the kids.”
“I’m here too, you know,” Kate teases. I chuckle as she continues. “I’m sure he’ll start you off at a low dose, and we can watch closely for any side effects.”
I sigh, resting my head against the bed. “I hate having to rely on a medication to function as a normal human being.”
“Did you know I was on anti-depressants after my mom died?” Kate says. “Well, I guess there was no way for you to know that. But I was. I’d been caring for her for so long, that when she finally passed, I don’t think I knew what to do with myself.”
“I didn’t know that, Katharine. I hate that you went through it all alone.”
She shrugs, but her chocolate brown eyes dull a little bit as her lower lip trembles slightly. “I couldn’t afford it for very long, and my health insurance cut out almost immediately once my mom died. There were ways I could have continued on it, but it was still a cost I couldn’t afford. But it helped me to kickstart my brain a little bit, you know? It made me be able to function just enough that I could grieve my mom, and also find a job, get a new apartment because I couldn’t afford our larger one, and try to keep living. Life doesn’t stop just because of us, and it took me a bit to understand that.”
“What’s a depressor?” Aspen asks, and both Kate and I laugh.
“Well, depression is when you’re really sad,” Kate explains. “So a doctor gave me some medication that helped me not to be as sad anymore.”
“They have medication for that?” Aspen asks. “And for anxiety? That’s really cool. Is there a medicine to make my ankle better? ”
“Unfortunately, no,” the nurse says as she knocks on the door. “Even better, though, I have discharge papers. You get to go home!”
“You found some crutches?” I ask.
The nurse nods. “We got them from another hospital, and now we know to order some more children’s crutches.”
“Undoubtedly you’ll see us again. I’m honestly surprised she lasted this long without a broken bone,” I admit.
“She sure is a spitfire,” Kate says. The nurse gives us a big smile before explaining the discharge instructions. After wishing us well, we get Aspen ready for going home. An orderly requires Aspen to ride in a wheelchair, which, of course, Aspen loves.
“You sure you want to ride with Kate?” I ask again as we get outside.
“Yeah, Daddy. I wish your car wasn’t here so you could ride with us. You need some singing,” Aspen says, cupping my cheek just like I do hers.
“I think I do need some singing,” I chuckle.
“Do you want to come with us?” Kate asks hopefully. “We can get your car later today. You’re almost sleepwalking, Dominic. I managed a couple hours of sleep before I left Matt’s, and the nap yesterday, but you’ve had none. Honestly, it would make me feel better if you weren’t driving right now.”
As if she commanded it, I yawn. “Actually, yeah. I think that’s a good idea.”
I get in Kate’s car after settling Aspen in the back seat. Once we’re heading home, I reach over and grab Kate’s hand. Out of the corner of my eye, I see her quick intake of breath at the connection, and I stifle a smile. Closing my eyes, I slowly stroke Kate’s thumb with mine as I finally fall asleep.