Chapter Nineteen Locked and Loaded #3
Their panting said enough and Nathan’s weight pressing down on him, solid and real , had Freddie’s heart racing as if it didn’t know how to slow down.
Eventually, Nathan shifted, pressing a kiss to the side of Freddie’s neck before carefully slipping out, falling to his side and discarding the condom. He then slung his arm heavily across Freddie’s chest.
Freddie stared at the ceiling, still floating, still stunned by it all. Not just the sex—though Christ —but what it had meant. What Nathan had been . The tenderness in his touch. The certainty in his control.
Nathan brushed his fingers through the sweat-damp hair at his temple. “You good?”
Freddie turned his head, met his eyes. “You just rewired my entire nervous system.” He kissed Nathan’s forehead. “So… yeah. I’m good. You?”
Nathan laughed, low and warm, and leant in to kiss him again. This time it was gentle, unhurried, almost shy. “Fucking marvellous, mate,” he said with that familiar Essex lilt.
Freddie barked out a laugh, caught off guard by the cheek, the glow, the easy charm that was so unmistakably Nathan . That voice, that grin. It hit him all at once, everywhere at once.
It was like coming home.
They lay in the quiet hum of afterglow, Freddie tracing idle lines along Nathan’s spine with his fingertips, neither of them quite ready to move. Eventually, the silence became too full, too charged, and Freddie couldn’t help himself. He dipped his head, smoothing a soft kiss to Nathan’s temple .
“You knew what you were doing.”
Nathan stilled for a beat, then he pulled Freddie closer. “So did you.”
Freddie let that hang between them, but it wasn’t enough. He could feel Nathan skirting around what he’d really meant. Choosing not to answer, not yet. So he asked again. This time, more direct.
“There were others, then?” He scratched his nails down the curve of Nathan’s back. “Men, I mean?”
Nathan lifted his head and looked Freddie in the eye. “As there were for you. I’ve met two of them already.”
Freddie winced. Touché. “Technically, Jude, Mr Ellison, didn’t make it past first base. And in the interest of transparency, I ended things with him. So he’s not likely to either.”
“Good to know. But the fireman?”
Freddie sighed. “Yeah. Okay. He… did. I also ended things with him. For an absolute final time. A few months back.”
Nathan arched an eyebrow. “Final time?”
“Yeah. Sixth time’s a charm, right?”
Nathan snorted, then collapsed back onto Freddie’s chest. Not quite sulking, more making a point. The playfulness helped, but it didn’t erase the tension humming beneath. Talking about other men after what they’d done wasn’t easy. But Freddie still needed to know.
“Was it… many men?” Freddie bit his lip, gliding his fingers over the ridges of taut muscle on Nathan’s back. “Or was there one you…y’know…did it all with? A boyfriend? Partner?”
He felt the shift in Nathan’s body. The breath that deepened, the way his lashes tickled Freddie’s chest as he closed his eyes .
“There were a few,” Nathan finally admitted.
“On base. On deployment. Never anything serious.” He paused, then added, “Things are different in the forces. You learn to keep your head down. Most of it was quick. Discreet. Sometimes a shared tent, sometimes the back of a vehicle. You don’t build a life with someone out there. You survive the night.”
Freddie’s chest ached. Not from jealousy, but from Nathan’s words. The unspoken loneliness. The way he’d had to fragment himself to get by. The way he always had to as a kid.
So he tightened his hold on Nathan, pressing a kiss into his hair. “You’re not out there now.”
Nathan’s reply was barely a whisper. “No. I’m not.”
“But you’re still not ready, are you? To tell your old man? To admit who you are.”
Nathan rose from Freddie’s chest, propping himself up on one arm.
He looked down at him, and for a long moment, their eyes locked.
The air between them shifted. Thick. Fragile .
Freddie held his breath, bracing. He knew that look.
Nathan’s honesty could cut like glass, even when it came wrapped in softness.
He’d asked for the truth. And Nathan had never been one to sugarcoat it.
Nathan glided his hand up from Freddie’s waist, tracing a lethargic path over his chest before cupping his jaw, swiping his thumb gently over his stubble. “I can’t give you a clean answer.”
Freddie’s heart sank. Until Nathan kept speaking.
“And if you’d told me even a week ago that I’d be here—naked, tangled up with you, after the best damn fuck of my life—I’d have laughed in your face. Told myself not to be so fucking na?ve. That forgiveness don’t come easy. That you’d never look at me the way you used to.”
“But now that you are here? ”
“Now I am here…I don’t want to walk away again.
Run from any of it. You .” He licked his lips as if forcing himself to speak.
“I don’t know what that means for you. I didn’t come back here expecting to fall back into your bed, or your life.
We’re not the same boys we were. We’ve built different lives.
Different scars. Things are complicated now. I’ve got to put Alfie first.”
He paused, still stroking Freddie’s cheek, gaze searching his.
“But fuck, Fred… I want this. I want you . And for the first time in years, I’m scared shitless of wanting something that much. Am I ready for it, though? That’s a tougher ask. And honestly? I don’t know. Nor do I know if I’m ready to be the father Alfie needs.”
A ghost of a smile tugged at Freddie’s lips before he pulled Nathan down into a kiss. Languid, tender, full of quiet promise. Nathan melted into it. Into him . And Freddie felt it in every quiet exhale, every loosening muscle. When their mouths parted, Freddie cradled Nathan’s face in both hands.
“You’re right,” he said. “We’re not the same kids we were.
We’ve both been through hell and come out the other side carrying all sorts of baggage.
But with that comes experience. Perspective.
” He stroked his thumbs across Nathan’s cheekbones.
“I’m not gonna blow up over things that are out of our control.
Not yours, not mine. I can be patient. I want to be.
I know you’ve got Alfie, and I can only imagine how hard that’s been… how much you’re trying to get right.”
Freddie drew in a breath.
“But fuck, Nate, I want you. I’ve always fucking wanted you. And even if you got up right now and walked out that door, never came back… I’d still want you. Always. So ho wever long you need…I’ll wait for you. And I’ll keep waiting for you.”
Nathan’s breath shook. “You have no idea how many nights I lay awake halfway across the world thinking about this. You.” His voice dropped, cracked. “And every time, I told myself it was too late. That I’d broken it. That we were too far gone to find our way back.”
“You were always good at lying to yourself.”
Nathan let out a hollow laugh, but when he blinked, Freddie saw the shimmer in his eyes. Tears he wasn’t quite ready to let fall.
“I know I can’t erase what you’ve been though.
” Freddie grazed a thumb under his eyes to catch a stray one.
“I can’t know it all, or maybe even understand it.
You got your demons. And I know right now you’re still trying to shake them and get back to something that might feel like normal for you, but that it doesn’t feel like it yet.
But all that pain? All that fear and worry that you’ve buried so deep that it’s part of your wiring? I’m gonna love that shit out of you.”
Nathan skimmed his forehead over Freddie’s. “How do you always make me feel like I can take on the world when you’re there?”
“Cause you can, big man.”
Nathan shook his head, almost in disbelief.
“I’m fucked up. There’s shit in my head I can’t shift.
I’m never sure if I’m doing the right thing.
I’m good at taking orders. Following someone else’s plan.
Being the one who does, not the one who decides.
” He exhaled hard. “I’ve always been the muscle.
The backup. And now… now I’ve got this kid who looks at me like I’m supposed to know where we’re going.
Like I’m the whole goddamn map. But truth is, I’m scared.
Terrified I’ll steer him wrong. That I’ll take him off course and not know how to get him back. ”
Freddie reached across the space between them, laying a hand over Nathan’s chest. He traced the tattoo inked into his skin. The compass, still bold, still true.
“Always north,” Freddie whispered. “That’s all he needs. To know you’ve got his back. That he’s not alone out there. That there’s someone waiting when he needs a place to land. You are home. For him.” Freddie kissed him. “And for me.”
Nathan exhaled as if he was trying to breathe out years of tension in one go.
“I don’t know if I can be what he needs all the time. Or what you need.”
“I’m not asking for perfect. I never was.
And neither is he.” Freddie cupped the back of Nathan’s neck.
“I want you , Nate. All of it. The rough edges. The wreckage. The parts you’ve buried so deep you’re scared anyone seeing them would run.
I ain’t running. I never ran. I stayed right here, waiting.
For you. I was always here for you. Even when you couldn’t be here for yourself.
And yeah, you’ve got more weight on your back now.
More shit you carry. But I’m ready to take some of that from you.
I want to.” He leant in, pressing his forehead to Nathan’s.
“Whatever fresh hell you walk into next, I’m walking in with you.
I’ll be right there. Step for step. And if it gets bad…
if you break… I’ll be your fucking armour. ”
Nathan kissed him. Languid. Deep. And Freddie grasped onto it as if he was oxygen.
Then he dragged Nathan down with him, guiding them both under the covers.
Their bodies fit the way they always had, and Nathan curled around him, one arm slung across his waist, his forehead pressed to Freddie’s shoulder.
Then, soft and vulnerable, Nathan said, “You were the only thing I ever wanted to come home to.”
Freddie’s heart thumped .
It wasn’t I love you. Not yet. But he didn’t need that.
What he needed was Nathan. Here. Staying here. With him.
So he pressed his lips to Nathan’s ear, “ And you were worth the wait.”