LOSING HER TWICE
PATRICK
I lay in the king-size bed I’d bought for us, looking at her. Memorizing every single curve, dimple, and tanned freckle on her body. Now that I’d come down from my orgasm, reality was kicking me square in the nuts.
She’d told Clara she was going back to New York.
What if she never came back?
Hell, the only reason she was here right now was because her dad had gotten hurt. I shuddered, just thinking about that fact. No hurt dad, no Addi in my arms.
“What are you thinking about?” Her brown eyes settled on mine as she asked the question I knew she didn’t want to hear the answer to.
“If you’ll ever come back home or not. What are you thinking about?” I quickly asked her back.
She swallowed hard, her eyes closing for only a moment before reopening. “If this was what you needed to move on or not.”
That got my attention. I pushed up from the bed to sit up, grabbing a pillow and stuffing it behind my back. “Move on? What are you trying to say?”
“Maybe you just needed some kind of closure or something. I don’t know.”
I blew out a breath and turned to face her, hoping like hell she heard what I was about to say next. “You think I want closure? You think there’d ever be a time while I was fucking breathing that I’d want an end to you and me? I haven’t gotten over you in almost four years. I’ve counted every fucking day on a calendar on my wall, dreading if we let it reach five years.”
I wanted my words to imprint on her soul so she could never escape them.
Her eyes were wide. “Five years? I don’t get it. Why five?”
“They say if someone stays gone that long, they won’t come back,” I snapped.
“I’ve never heard that before,” she said softly.
I was suddenly all riled up. Emotional and pissed off that she’d think I’d want to get over her. Closure, my ass.
“Let me be real clear here. I’m never getting over you, Addi. I’ll never stop wanting you. I don’t fucking want closure. I never will. Even if you don’t want me anymore.”
I watched as she processed my words, her eyes looking everywhere but at me. Then, I got nervous. How had we split so far apart from where we’d once been?
“Hell, is that what this was for you? Some sort of last fuck before you went back to the big city and left me behind for good?”
“What? No,” she said quickly, her tone genuine, and I believed her.
We never used to lie to each other, and I didn’t want to start now.
“I don’t want to fight with you, Patrick.” Her voice was soft.
When she reached out her hand and put it on my stomach, I was instantly soothed, my temper dissipating with a single breath.
“I’m sorry. I don’t want to fight with you either. I’m just so wrapped up in you, baby. I don’t want you to go.”
“I know,” she said, but they weren’t the words I wanted to hear.
I wanted to hear her say that she wouldn’t go back. That she couldn’t. That the idea of leaving was all wrong. I wanted her to want to stay because living without me wasn’t how it was supposed to be. I needed her to love me the way I still loved her, completely and without reservation.
“Will you tell me about the barn?” She smiled while my heart sank.
I’d accept the subject change for the moment, but I knew it wouldn’t last. I was on edge, feeling like if I didn’t say everything while I had the chance, I’d kick myself for it later.
I blew out a long, slow breath and settled deeper into the pillows at my back. “It’s the one you used to talk about. That you said would be good for weddings and events and stuff.”
“I figured as much. I know I gave you the idea, not the vision. So, what did you create?”
“I built what looks like a working barn from the outside. But once you step through the sliding doors, it’s all rich woods and exposed beams. The back faces the mountains, so when you slide the doors open, you have a perfect view. There’s a permanent tent built outside for all weather, but one entire wall is windows because…”
“The view,” she cut me off with a grin.
“Exactly. There’re two kitchens for catering and multiple rooms for wedding parties to get ready in. It turned out really nice.”
“That sounds perfect. If it’s anything like this place, then I bet it’s stunning.”
It was a compliment that I’d gladly take, but I still huffed out a laugh.
“Nah. This place was personal. The barn was a distraction.”
“From what?” Her eyes narrowed for only a second before she read my mind and knew what was coming.
“From you being gone.” I still said the words out loud, knowing that they’d have impact. “Don’t go back,” I finally said.
“Patrick.” Her voice was a plea.
“I want you to stay. Why can’t you just fucking stay?”
She angled her body to get more comfortable, I assumed. “I wish it were that easy,” she started to explain, but I cut her right off.
“It is actually. It’s exactly that easy. You go back there, pack up your shit, and move in here with me.”
A smile crept across her lips, and I reached out, running my thumb across her bottom lip. I couldn’t help myself when it came to her. I would always crave her.
“Tell me why it’s not so easy then. Help me understand why you won’t come home.”
She closed her eyes before opening them to focus on me. “You have to know that I never planned on staying gone so long, but things just kept happening for me there, and before I knew it, years had gone by in a flash.”
“I understand that,” I said because I did. Even if it hurt like hell, it made sense. Time stopped and waited for no one, and sometimes, it took from you as well. It stole your hope, your happiness, your peace of mind.
“Patrick, someone offered to back a restaurant for me. I got the offer right before Christmas.”
I had no idea what the hell that even meant. Over the years, I’d picked up on certain cooking terms, but this wasn’t one of them.
“What does that mean?”
“It means that they’d pay for me to open up my own place. In a really trendy and popular area of Manhattan. It’s a huge opportunity.” Everything she said was supposed to sound positive, but her tone and her expression didn’t match the words coming out of her mouth.
“Is that what you want? To open a restaurant there?” I asked, but she didn’t answer.
I knew better than to push her too hard before she was ready. Addi could shut down in an attempt to formulate her words properly.
“You could open a place here, you know? I’d back you if that’s what you need.”
“I don’t want your money, Patrick,” she breathed out.
I felt myself get annoyed because we’d been having this same stupid argument since we had been kids. I always thought we’d get married someday and be partners in every way. My money was her money. Whatever I had belonged to her as well, but she always pushed back on that. Said she felt like I was giving her a handout, but I’d never, not once, perceived it that way.
“But you’ll let someone else give you theirs? That makes no sense, Addi.” I hated that I was picking a fight with her again, but this shit was too important to just let it go. “Do you even like it there? ’Cause from where I’m sitting, it doesn’t sound like you do.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Her tone turned defensive.
“You’re saying all the right things, but your tone doesn’t match. Of course you should want the opportunity to open your own restaurant, but do you? And if so, do you really want that shit to happen in New York, of all places?”
I was being kind of a dick. I knew at least that much. But I needed to know if I was going to lose her forever or not.
Her eyes started to mist over, and I swore that if she started to cry, I’d fall the fuck apart. Seeing Addi in pain was one of the worst feelings in the world.
“No. I used to love it at first, but now I hate it,” she admitted, but she still looked so sad that I wasn’t sure how to take it.
Part of me wanted to throw my fist in the air in victory, but the rest of me felt like I wasn’t really winning at all.
“Then, how is this even a discussion right now? I don’t understand what’s going on in that beautiful head of yours, love,” I said, hoping like hell that she’d fill me in.
Reading Addi’s thoughts had never been a problem for me in the past, but there were new layers there now, keeping me out.
She inhaled a breath and stayed quiet. I watched the way her chest moved in and out, counting silently as I waited for her to give me an explanation that made sense.
“The guy said that he’d only open the restaurant if I was the head chef. If I don’t say yes to his offer, then a bunch of my peers will be out of a unique opportunity. I feel like there are a lot of people relying on my answer.”
I had no idea who the asshole was who’d made her this offer, but right now, in this moment, I fucking hated him with every fiber of my being. Guilting my girl into taking a position was a shit thing to do. I was half tempted to call Matthew and have him do some due diligence on the guy, fly out there, and have a little meeting with him, but I refrained… for the time being .
“So, you feel responsible for a bunch of strangers you don’t owe anything to?” I couldn’t seem to stop myself from taking these little jabs at her, and every time a shitty accusation left my lips, I wished I could shove it back down my throat and swallow it whole.
Her face twisted slightly before she pulled herself together. “They’re not all strangers. And I know I don’t owe them anything, but my saying yes gives them a chance to do the kind of thing we all dream about.”
“You can have that dream here, you know? Or have you outgrown Sugar Mountain, the same way your mom did? We too small town for you now?”
Dammit.
Addi threw the sheets off, reached for her clothes, and started getting dressed. That had been a low blow, and I had known it the second I said it that I’d gone way too far. I hustled out of the bed, too, grabbing a pair of boxer briefs and slipping them on as I made my way to her.
“Addi, stop. I’m sorry. That was mean.”
Putting her sweater on, she wiped at the falling tears with the back of her hand. “That was mean.”
“I know.” I ran a hand down my face. I was ruining everything when all I wanted to do was fix it. Fix us. “I think I’m lashing out because I’m hurting,” I admitted as she tucked some hair behind her ear.
“You’re not the only one hurting, Patrick. I hurt too. You think I don’t love you anymore? You think I don’t love Sugar Mountain? I do. So much.”
“Then, stay. Please, Addison, just fucking stay.” I fell to my knees and wrapped my arms around her legs. Burying my head against her thighs, I tried to will my heart to stop breaking into even smaller pieces. “I’m in love with you. I’m never going to stop. And I know I told you that I was a ghost of a man without you, and that’s true,” I said as I pulled my head back and looked up.
She was watching me with rapt attention, her brown eyes shining.
“But it’s also not your responsibility to make me whole. I don’t want you thinking that. All of this is my choice. I choose to not move on. I choose to not love anyone else. I gave you my heart when I was just a kid, and I choose not to take it back. If I don’t have you to love, I don’t want anyone, but that’s not on you, baby. That’s on me.”
She fell to her knees as well and wrapped her arms around my neck. “You don’t need to explain all of this to me. I feel the exact same way about you, Patrick. I always will,” she whispered in my ear.
Even though they were the words I’d longed to hear, it still somehow felt like a second goodbye.
“Then, how can you leave me again?” I reached for her face and ran my fingers down her cheek, desperation coursing through my veins.
“I don’t know. But for right now, I have to.” She pressed a kiss to my lips before turning around and walking out of our front door.
I wasn’t sure how long I stayed there on my knees, but the sound of her car driving away had long since faded. When Jasper appeared at my side and started licking my arm, I snapped out of the trance I’d been in. Patting his head, I smiled as his tail thumped against the hardwood floor.
“You’ll never leave me, will you, boy?” I asked out loud, and Jasper licked my face in response.
At least someone loved me enough to stay.