Chapter 24
DESI
“Great work today, ladies,” Reznor says as he smiles.
Yeah, my insides melt at the sight of it.
Just like they have for the past hour every time he touched me or addressed me. Of course, our interaction was purely professional because there was an audience, when all I wanted to do was sink into him and hold on for dear life.
But I didn’t.
It was a rude but much-needed awakening when I knocked on his door and he wasn’t home.
So I kept my distance. I didn’t give him the flirty eyes or the little squeeze of his hand like I have in the past.
From the concerned look in his eyes I know he noticed. But was it concern or was it hurt that flickered there?
I’m not sure and I’m too busy protecting my heart to ask.
The same way I was when he came knocking on the door the other day to tell me how he relieved he was that they’d caught my intruder. I pretended to be on the phone with a supplier and that I couldn’t talk with him.
Cowardly? Yes.
A necessity to save my heart from the impeding heartbreak? Definitely.
“Can I have one minute more of your time, ladies?” Bear asks just as we begin to walk off the mat. I nod eagerly, because that means one more minute to compose myself before I have to face Reznor.
The funny thing is that for the first time, I didn’t come here today out of fear. I came here because I wanted to. Because I wanted to see Reznor.
I came because for the first time in forever, I felt okay.
“Who here has enjoyed working with Rez?” Bear asks.
Hoots and hollers echo off the gym as women applaud and praise him. Reznor looks at Bear—his cheeks slightly flushed in embarrassment—and then shakes his head before looking over and locking his eyes on mine.
The look in his eyes and the pulse of the muscle in his jaw—I already know what Bear is going to say before he speaks.
“Next week will be our last class with Reznor unless you can convince him to stay.” The women around me groan while I stand stoically.
And my heart implodes.
No. I don’t know if I say the word or if I scream it, but it’s on repeat in my head, even though that simple word does nothing to truly express how I feel inside. How it feels to have your insides drop to your toes while your body has to keep operating.
“He’s been called back to SFPD...some shit about them needing him. Don’t they know we need him?” He laughs.
Don’t they know I need him?
Bear drones on, but it’s Reznor’s eyes I can’t look away from. It’s his broad shoulders and proud posture I want to hold on to. It’s those strong arms I want to wrap around me.
But they won’t.
I knew this was coming...and yet I didn’t expect to find out like this.
I didn’t expect to hear it secondhand from Bear and not from Reznor himself...and that stings. I feel...angry suddenly, and although I don’t really have the right to direct it at Reznor, that’s where it is. It’s fueled by hurt and heartache and disbelief, and I...I need to get out of here.
But he keeps staring at me.
I can’t stand here anymore.
I’m mad at myself for doing the one thing I swore I couldn’t—fall for Reznor. And now I have and he’s leaving regardless, so who looks like the idiot now?
It’s all my fault. I’ve got to get out of here.
“Excuse me,” I murmur to the lady beside me as I step back and off the mat as Bear continues.
I quickly grab my things and jog out of the gym, trying not to call attention to myself. My feet move to staunch my anger but my head and heart keep fueling it.
“Desi. Wait up.”
And his voice...his voice fuels it too.
“Leave me alone, Reznor.” Hurt, pain, heartache—all three spin an eddy of discord through me that I don’t want to feel.
“Des?” More footsteps on the pavement beside me.
I walk right past my car and out of the parking lot—needing space, needing privacy, needing to get away from him as my eyes burn and my chest aches.
Once I clear the corner and we’re out of eyeshot of most of the class, he grabs my arm. Within an instant, I’ve spun around, locked his arm with mine, and have my knee coming up to his groin in a move we’ve practiced many times in class.
“Whoa there,” he says, counteracting me and pinning my arms to protect himself. The laugh he emits only serves to irritate me further. “Well, at least I know I did my job and you can protect yourself.”
Yep. You did your job. That’s all it was.
“It’s not funny,” I say through gritted teeth, as I yank my arms free of his and stride ahead of him.
“I know it’s not.” He jogs beside me, but I refuse to look his way.
“You couldn’t tell me yourself? You had to let me find out from Bear—in front of the whole class—that you were leaving?”
God. As much as I didn’t want more, right now I do, and hell if it doesn’t sting being the one on the other end of the situation I’ve always controlled.
“I was going to tell you, Des.”
“When?”
“After class.”
“Wow. Thanks. I’m surprised you weren’t going to sleep with me so you could guarantee one more quick romp before you told me.”
“That’s not how it is, and you know it.”
“Then how is it?”
This time when he grabs my arm, I don’t fight him. I’m out of breath and hurt, and I stop in the middle of the sidewalk with his hand on my arm and my eyes asking questions my mouth isn’t ready to put a voice to.
“I had a finite amount of time here. We both knew that,” he says. Yeah, but maybe I didn’t want to believe it. “Besides, it’s hard to talk to someone—tell someone something—when they’re already shutting down on you.”
“I was not,” I shout.
“Really? You’re ready to die by that sword, Des, because it seems to me you’ve made it a habit to be busy any time I’ve come around in the past few days. Or maybe you’ve already moved on to the next person, huh?”
“Don’t be an ass.”
“Don’t push me away.”
We stand and stare at each other in the waning light of the sunset, and I’m all out of things to say to him.
All I can focus on is this stabbing ache in my heart.
It’s the reason I’ve never gotten close to someone before, and it’s much easier to focus on that than how damn handsome he is and the pleading look in his eyes.
“We have a week left. We can make the most of it and—”
“Don’t bother, Reznor,” I say while my heart screams yes, please.
“Don’t be like that. We can—”
“We can what? Have sex a few more times for old times’ sake? Wow. Thanks for thinking of me. That would only result in me…” In me falling for you more than I already have when I know I can’t have you.
“I care about you. I don’t want to hurt you.”
Hurt me? At least he’s made things crystal clear. It would have no impact on his heart if he spent more time with me before he left. I would be his Sunnyville booty call.
No. Fuck you.
“Then don’t. Do me a favor and let this be it. Save me from...just let this be it.” My voice breaks along with every other part of me when I step up and press a soft kiss to his cheek. “Goodbye, Reznor.”
And when I walk down the sidewalk, this time he doesn’t follow.