34. Indiana
M y stay at The Edgemont was amazing. Ivy set me up in the most adorable chalet, and I got to ride the gondola up and take some photos in the mountains.
I picked up a few of the postcards I had made from the pictures I’ve taken in my time here, and they came out perfectly.
I wrote a quick note to Han on the one I made from the lake view.
You should see it here, Dragonfly.
You wouldn’t believe how granola I am now.
I love you. I miss you.
Love, Indiana
I come down the now familiar drive and notice Knox’s truck is gone.
He must have gone to work today. Is it insane that it’s only been a day and I miss him?
I park in front of the little white house that I’ve grown to love and see a note.
My heart starts to gallop in my chest, and I fling open my door, dashing onto the porch before ripping it off the door to read it.
One line. Four words, and my heart leaps out of my chest.
I think about you.
I look around to make sure I’m still alone out here and hug the paper close to my heart, spinning in a circle.
Walking inside, I rush to my desk, opening the top drawer to grab a sticky note.
In my hurry, I pull it too hard, causing all my papers to fall out.
Bending to pick them up, I see the one on top.
Clutching it in my hand, I read the lines over and over.
I have to tell him. Tonight.
I’ll leave him a note and ask him to come over before he goes to get Hazel.
I’ll tell him everything and hope he understands.
Swiping a pen from the cup on my desk, I write a few short sentences before running over to stick it on his door.
Sally stays with me the whole time, coming to lie on the porch when I’m back.
It’s like she knows I’m needing the comfort.
We sit on the porch for a while, listening to the world around us, staring out over the lake. My gaze is pulled to the big green house where I’ve spent so much time the past few months. I never imagined falling for them, but now that I have, it’s impossible to think of a life that they aren’t in.
I wait until I see his truck before I stand to get myself a glass of water, hoping to calm my nerves. He cares about me. I’m fine. I can do this.
Only when he races up the steps and sweeps me into his arms, I back out.
I let myself get lost in him and what he brings me.
Peace, when I haven’t felt that way in so long.
I let him make love to me and make me feel things I didn’t even know to hope for.
I love him. I’ve never been in love before, but I’m certain that this is what it is.
“Come to dinner with me tonight,” Knox says from beneath me. I’m lying across him, sprawled across his wide chest, running my fingers through the hair there.
“Don’t you have to pick up Hazel?” I ask, yawning.
“Yes. I want you to come with me.”
“To your parents’ house?” I prop my head up to look at him.
“Yes. I want you to come to my parents’ for dinner.”
“They aren’t expecting me,” I say, sitting up.
“I wouldn’t say you would be completely unexpected, ” he teases. I think for a moment. This isn’t exactly how I planned for the evening to go, but I’m selfish. I want this time with him.
“Okay, just let me change.”
“You mean you don’t want to show up naked?”
“You’re full of jokes, aren’t you, Mr. Holloway?”
“I’ve never been accused of that before.” At that, I do laugh because I believe it.
“Maybe you just haven’t been with the right person,” I joke.
“If it wasn’t you, it wasn’t the right person,” he says.
I melt into a puddle, emotion getting stuck in my throat. When he says things like that to me, it makes me happier than I’ve ever been in my life. But then I get this sinking feeling in my stomach, like letting Knox say things like that to me when he doesn’t know everything is wrong.
I have to tell him. If I don’t, I might end up losing him.
My first dinner at the Holloway house is now one of my favorite memories.
It’s full of laughter and even a little bit of roughhousing between the brothers.
I sip a glass of wine with Winnie and Florence on the deck; Hazel is lying across my lap while I absently play with her hair.
Watching all the siblings interact with each other is fun but also fills me with longing.
“Ugh boys! Stop before you hurt yourselves! Aren’t you getting a little old for this?” Mary yells from the open window.
“Sorry, Mom!” Comes a trio of voices. We all laugh as they make their way up the deck.
“Do you have any siblings, Indie?”
“Just a sister,” I answer.
“Yeah? Is she as annoying as any of my brothers?”
I force a laugh. “She’s a handful, that’s for sure.”
“I’ve met her before. Remember?” Knox asks from the wooden railing.
“Mm-hmm. At the bar.”
“She was pretending to be twenty-one.”
“She was trying to get you to buy her a drink,” I say, and he laughs.
“Is she still so forward?”
“She’s always been that way. No is not an answer she’s ever been willing to hear,” I muse, then turn to Florence. “Were you still wanting me to work on the hotel website?”
“Please. Could you come by next week?” she asks me.
“Yes! With Anna wanting to take over the management side of things, I’m only at the bakery on Wednesday. How about I come that evening? Will you still be there?”
“I will be there.”
“Are you sure you aren’t upset with me cutting your hours at the bakery?” Winnie asks .
“Of course not. I understand, and I’m loving running the website. I think I have enough work to keep me busy between everyone y'all have put me in touch with.”
“Okay, I just feel bad because you moved here for this job, and now…”
“And now I’m staying for—other reasons,” I say, looking down at the sleeping girl on my lap.
“You about ready to head out, Honey?”
“Yeah, I think Hazel is too.” I look up at Knox. God he’s just so fucking handsome.
“I’ll get her,” he says, taking her off my lap, laying her against him.
“I’ll see you guys later.”
“Bye, Indie.”
I walk into the kitchen and find Mary and Tom laughing together.
“I just wanted to say thank you for having me,” I call from the doorway.
“Oh, of course. You’re welcome anytime, sweetheart.”
“Dinner was delicious, any chance I could get the recipe?”
“You’re more than welcome to have it, but come over again, and I’ll teach you.” My chest expands at Mary’s offer.
“Thank you. That would be great.”
“Bye, Mom, Dad. Love you and thank you for dinner.”
“Love you, son.”
We walk from the big house to the truck, and as wonderful as the evening has been, seeing Knox’s family and the love they have for one another, the overwhelm is starting to slither in. Grief is funny like that. No matter how long it’s been. Pain is still pain.
“Thanks for coming with me tonight. ”
“Thank you for inviting me. Your family really is one in a million.”
“I’m lucky.”
“They’re a little lucky to have you too.”
“Just a little?”
I shrug. “Maybe a bit more than a little.”
“High praise,” he quips.
On the drive, I’m quieter than usual. Hazel is fast asleep in her car seat, and Knox is humming along to the radio.
My lips curl at the sound. As I watch the shadowy trees pass by, my thoughts turn darker the closer we get to home.
Once there, I get out of the truck, watching Knox head for the big house, but I stay rooted on the path to the guesthouse.
“Aren’t you coming in?” he asks from the steps.
“Not tonight. I’m not feeling the best. Just a little headache, but I think I’ll take a shower and call it a night.”
“Stay here. I’ll rub your feet and make you some tea.” I melt a little more. He’s exactly the kind of man I want, and I desperately want to let him hold me in those strong arms, take care of me—but I can’t, not tonight. Tonight, I have some demons to face, and I think I may have to do it alone.
“As amazing as that sounds, I think I just want to get home and to bed. Rain check?”
“Open invitation,” he reminds me.
“Goodnight, Knox.”
“Goodnight, Honey.” His use of my nickname has me almost ready to run up the steps and jump into his arms with Hazel. But I don’t—I walk home alone.
After my shower, I change into my favorite pajamas and sit on the floor of my bedroom.
A deep sense of dread fills me, settling into my bones.
I haven’t completely been living in reality for a while now, and this box in front of me is proof.
I reach in, pulling out the stack of stiff papers.
Then another, and another. I untie the twine, sifting through them.
My shoes got stolen from my gym locker again.
They were the purple ones I love.
I love you. I miss you.
Love, Indiana
No one gets the “write this down” bit.
I can’t bear talking to anyone else.
I love you. I miss you.
Love, Indiana
I got my tattoo today.
The artist thought the needle
was causing me pain. I didn’t
tell him why I was really crying.
I love you. I miss you.
Love, Indiana
Mom and Dad bought a condo.
In Cincinnati.
What the hell is in Cincinnati?
I love you. I miss you.
Love, Indian a
I’m drowning here, Han.
I think I’m scared to live more than
I’m scared to die.
I love you. I miss you.
Love, Indiana
Sorry, the last one was dark.
I didn’t mean it.
I just needed to write it down.
I love you. I miss you.
Love Indiana
I have to stop reading when I can’t see. The tears gathering in my eyes force me to blink. It’s me who shouldn’t be here. It’s me who should be wasting away six feet under. Not my baby sister. Not Han. She wasn’t meant to die. It might sound silly, but Han Holmes was only meant to live.
Moving here was supposed to be the beginning of me living, like I promised her I would.
I reach for my shoulder where my dragonfly tattoo is inked over the old wound.
We never should have been out that late at night.
I knew better, but because I had made her come to me, I let her talk me into it.
Then I was so awful. I swipe at my cheeks angrily.
I’m angry, and I’m still devastated. I’ve had it explained to me by multiple professionals in plenty of different rooms. They were all wrong though.
My pain didn’t come in waves like they said it would.
My pain is the sea, and every memory is an undertow.
I was constantly being pulled under by reminders, and everything reminds me of her .
I climb into the bed, cocooning myself inside the blankets.
I need to start being honest with the people whom I’ve come to care about so deeply.
They deserve that. And maybe if I can be honest with them, I can start being honest with myself.
Closing my eyes, I think the words that I still haven’t been able to say out loud.
Words that were said to me almost a year ago that, now that I’ve started to feel things again, bubble up to the surface.
My sister is dead.