42. Indiana
T he truck is mostly quiet, my hand is warm, fingers laced with Knox’s on the seat between us.
My tears have dried, and I’m trying my best to keep my focus on the fact that Florence is okay.
It’s hard knowing whoever did this is still out there though.
We’ve seen multiple police cruisers on the way home, patrolling the area.
There’s less activity when we get out of town and further into the mountains.
When we get back to the house, it’s dark.
The moon is full, reflected on the lake, and illuminating the guesthouse down the road.
As much as I’ve come to love it, the thought of staying there tonight has my stomach in knots.
I don’t want to be alone. I want to hold Hazel on my lap and let Knox rub my feet.
Now I’m being needy. I’m emotional, my head is hurting a little more than I let on before, and my body is working through memories that claw at me.
I’m so relieved that Lo is going to be okay—at least physically—but my worry is for her mind. My situation was different, but I know what it’s like to have your peace destroyed. I want to be there for her in whatever way I can if she wants me to be.
“Hey,” Knox’s deep voice cuts through my worried thoughts.
“Hi.”
“Are you sure you’re okay, Honey?” he asks, reaching across the cab to cradle my cheek in his big hand.
“I’m okay. I’m just worried about Florence.”
“I know. I am too.”
“I-I don’t want to be alone tonight, Knox.” My voice comes out quieter than I intended. It’s weak, raspy from screaming earlier.
“That wasn’t an option, Indie.”
Smiling, I place my hand over the one he still has on my face. “Thank you.”
I’m not sure if I’ll ever understand life.
The worst and best things that have ever happened to me happened to me in the span of less than a year.
I’ll never not feel the loss of my sister, and nothing in this life will ever replace her.
I can only live a life that she would be proud of, that she would laugh with me over.
That starts with loving Knox and Hazel with everything I’ve got.
Opening the truck door and stepping onto the dirt road, I watch them make it to the top of the stairs, turning to wait for me.
When I meet them, Knox pulls me to him by the back of my head, kissing me hard at first, then softening. “I love you, Indie. I don’t know what I would do without you.”
“I feel the same way.”
“Also, please keep in mind when you walk inside that I never thought this is how the night would have ended up,” he tells me, confusing me before opening the door and switching on the light. When I walk in, tears fill my eyes again, this time for the most romantic thing I’ve ever seen in my life.
Cuckoo clocks, dozens of them, fill the wall. They’re all different sizes and styles. All incredibly beautiful and take me back to a home that was overflowing with love.
“When did you—” I cut myself off, taking a breath.
“Hazel and I set it up this afternoon. I started collecting the clocks when you mentioned them.”
“That was-that was months ago,” I say, locking my eyes with his.
“It was. And I knew then that you were going to be in my life, Indie. I wanted you then. I want you now. And I—we—would like for you to live here with us.” Hazey stirs in his arms, opening her eyes.
“Will you live with us, Indie?” I look around the room, taking in the finger paintings and a banner hanging in the kitchen.
“I’ve never wanted anything more than to live with you, Hazey.”
She holds her arms out, and I walk into them. Who knew two tiny arms could bring me so much joy. I kiss her cheek, smelling her baby-scented shampoo. “I love you, Hazey. So much.”
“I love you,” she says back to me, still sleepy. My heart explodes. Then Knox squeezes us together, and my ovaries do the same. Where had that come from?
“Do you want more kids?” Are you fucking kidding me?
I slap a hand over my mouth. His eyebrows are up to his hairline.
I move my hand from my mouth to his. “Wait. No. Don’t answer that.
I’m so sorry. I’m tired, really tired, and my filter is nonexistent when that happens. ” He smiles under my fingers.
“You look so pretty when you blush for me, Indie Baby.”
“Alright, let’s get you to bed, Hazey.” I grip under her arms and carry her down the hall to bed. I lie beside her for a while after reading her Where The Wild Things Are .
“I’ll eat you up, I love you so, Hazel Emilia Holloway,” I whisper.
No, I’ll never not miss my sister, but I will let myself feel this love that’s being offered.
Let people love me when I need it. I’ll let Knox wrap his arms around me and feel Hazel’s small hand in mine and remind myself that this is the whole point.
I’m not sure how it happened or why, if it’s fate or happenstance, but something brought me to Silverthorne.
I’d like to believe it was Han, and it’s just like her to know it before I did, that the man from the bar all those years ago was meant to be mine.