Chapter 14
The next morning, Georgiana slept late and woke with bleary eyes. She had paced through her anger and frustration for at least an hour before trying to sleep, but while lying in the dark and staring up at the canopy, thoughts of Charles preyed upon her. She could not purge him from her mind no matter how hard she tried, so she tossed and turned until she fell asleep sometime in the early hours of the morning.
Now, she descended the stairs with a slight ache behind her eyes and a throbbing in her temples. She could not remain where she was so obviously unwanted. As soon as she had breakfast, she would seek out Jane and speak to her about returning to Pemberley as soon as possible. At least at home, she did not have the reminders of Charles everywhere. She could concentrate on Alexander and Sophie as well as Richard’s recovery…when he finally returned home, that is.
When she entered the breakfast room, the butler peered in and raised his thick brows. “I beg your pardon, miss. When you did not appear early as is your wont, we expected you to take a tray.” He hastened in to pull out a chair for her to sit. “What would you like? I am certain whatever you wish, Mrs. Bunting will be happy to provide.”
“Coffee and toast will suit me well, thank you.”
He tilted his head. “Nothing more? I promise it will not be an imposition.”
“Nothing more. I am not very hungry this morning.”
After a quick bow, he hurried from the room, and she looked through the row of windows along the wall. The view into the gardens was certainly lovely from this room. The rain had stopped during the night, so everything had to be sodden, but the bedraggled blooms still provided a wealth of colour. The mud, however, would either keep her to walking the paved paths or remaining indoors all day when she was of a mind to lose herself in a good ride. Even with the damp earth, she would still venture out. She did enjoy the horse Charles had designated for her use. The mare was spirited, but not in a way that was overtly challenging to the rider. The grey wanted no more than to be allowed her head when the circumstances arose.
The coffee helped with the ache in her temples, and as soon as she had finished her toast, she consulted the clock. Jane would be in the parlour meeting with the housekeeper, but not for much longer.
When Georgiana entered, Mrs. Grant stood and curtseyed before departing. “I hope I did not disturb the two of you.”
“No, we had just finished going over menus for the week. She is not accustomed to the master residing here for any length of time—the former Lord Bath preferred town—but Charles thought it might be beneficial for me to oversee the house while I am here, just to ensure all is as it ought to be.”
Georgiana nodded while she sat on the sofa. “I wanted to speak to you about returning to Pemberley.”
With a frown, Jane sat back and clasped her hands in her lap. “Return to Pemberley? Why? What has happened? You and Charles were getting on well, so much so that Henry and I spoke to you both on the matter, as you well know. Thus far, we have been a very merry party. I had hoped—”
“I know what you had hoped, but Lord Bath said from the beginning he was not seeking a wife. We became friends for a time, yet he now withdraws from the entirety of our acquaintance. As this is his estate, I believe I should depart as soon as possible. He should not feel ill-at-ease in his own home due to my presence.”
“He has not indicated you are unwelcome, has he?”
After sighing, she shook her head. “Not directly.” If she spoke of his comments about returning her, it would be impossible without discussing his proposal and the reason behind it. In this instance, lying was a better option.
Jane lifted her eyebrows. “And you are going to leave it at that?”
The words caused Georgiana to give a slight startle. “What would you have me do?”
“Yes, when you first arrived, Charles rejected our matchmaking attempts, but as you said, the two of you formed a friendship of sorts, and he began to shed the melancholy that has lingered around him since losing his hearing. He accompanied you to London, to that jeweller, for Pete’s sake. Even when we were in town, he would do naught but ride Rotten Row early in the morning. He avoided any interaction outside of family, yet he agreed to go to town with you . Do you not believe that to be significant?”
Georgiana rubbed her temples. They were beginning to throb again. “I understand what you are saying, but since the inn, he has been different. What occurred changed matters.”
As Jane bit her lip, she tapped her fingers on the armrest. “He had initially said he could not take a wife because he did not want to be resented. He also felt he could not protect a family. Perhaps what occurred reinforced that belief. Do remember, he remained in your room to ensure you were safe. He may not be pushing you away due to a lack of feeling, but rather that he cares too much and is fearful that he cannot keep you from harm.”
“I agree. But we worked together to keep us both safe. I do not see why he has to be so stubborn about needing help. As Donne said, ‘no man is an island,’ so why he must isolate himself so is beyond my comprehension.”
“You must make him see sense, Georgiana.”
“Me,” she said with an incredulous laugh. “Why would my arguments make any difference? He has rejected every single one at this point.” Why should seeking a life with someone be so difficult?
“Because he is in love with you.” Jane stated it so simply, and of course, Georgiana’s traitorous heart gobbled it up. She was pathetic. She needed to be stronger.
After shaking her head, she stood and moved to the window. “If he loved me, he would not dismiss me so easily.” He would not have carried her upstairs last night and deposited her as he had—as though she was a sack of grain.
“I disagree. If he believes himself to be protecting you, he may be quite capable of pushing you as far from him as possible.”
She crossed her arms over her chest. “Am I supposed to let him break my heart at every turn?”
“Love is not always easy. You cannot say your brother did not suffer some heartbreak over Lizzy before they came to an understanding. After all, he left Hertfordshire to escape his feelings for her, did he not? If they had not been thrown into company together once again at Lady Vranes’s exhibition, they may have never found their way to each other.” Jane gave a half-smile and toyed with the ring her husband gave her as a betrothal gift.
“After a bevy of callers who all made successful matches with other ladies, I had a difficult time understanding that Henry really did want me, yet he convinced me. Now, you must convince Charles that it is not an evil to need someone—and that he needs you .”
Georgiana squeezed her eyelids together. She would not cry! “Jane—”
“Do you love him?”
She turned and hugged her arms to herself a little tighter. “Does it matter?”
“Of course it does!” Jane rushed forward and grasped her by the shoulders. “You are likely not comfortable speaking so to me, but I am certain your feelings for him run deep, and if you do truly have such a depth of attachment, you must fight for him, Georgiana. Do not let him go so easily or you will regret it for the rest of your days. Do not run from what could be a wonderful life with him.”
“It is not so simple.” Yet she truly wished to believe it could be so!
“I disagree,” said Jane. “I am certain the two of you love each other, and moreover, he needs you. Without you, he will continue on with these doldrums, and one day, when he reflects upon a life spent alone and with no one to love, he will regret his own recalcitrance. I am thinking of you both when I give you this advice. You must not give up on him. Think of your brother encountering us for the first time at Lady Vranes’s. He made the decision to pursue Lizzy, and they would not be where they are today if he had not risked his heart and made the attempt.”
Georgiana rubbed her forehead. Why did Lizzy and Fitzwilliam’s courtship seem so much simpler than what she now faced? Could she truly convince Charles their love could conquer his fears of the future?
“I require air.” She blinked back the burning of her eyes once again. How did she have any tears left to cry?
“Give him a fortnight, but do know you must try,” said Jane. “If left to himself, I do not believe he will relent on his own.”
After she sighed, Georgiana made her way to her rooms, donned her sturdiest boots, fetched her spencer and bonnet, and sought out the peace of the gardens. The gravel path was drenched under her feet, and the remnants of the rain dripped from the flowers and trees, providing a music of sorts for her ramble. One attempt at putting her foot in the grass was proof enough of the soggy state of the earth. She could not and would not venture further, but would remain along the tended paths lest she sink.
Her restless spirit wished more than anything to lose herself in a good ride, but would the mud and the muck make for a worthwhile outing?
When she returned to the house, she sought out the pianoforte, the constant movement of her fingers and the melody providing comfort. As much as Charles’s rejections hurt, could Jane be correct? But what if Georgiana tried and failed? Jane did make a point in that if Georgiana returned to Pemberley, she would end up regretting her cowardice, whether it was in a few days or a few years. But did she have the strength to risk her heart once more?
The shadows lengthened and changed in the music room while she continued to lose herself in the well-loved chords and strains of the sonatas she favoured until a familiar gooseflesh travelled along her neck.
Her fingers stopped, and she lifted her head. Charles stood in the doorway, his strikingly beautiful hazel eyes latched onto her with an intensity that made her insides take flight. When he disappeared, she closed her eyes and let out a heavy exhale. She lacked the bravery to approach him today. Last night’s wounds were still too fresh.
Charles closed the door to his bedchamber and dropped back against it. If only he could thrash himself soundly for what he had done to Georgiana. She was this light—this beautiful young lady—and he had made her as morose as himself.
A part of him wished to return to those days at Hemel Hill when he had just begun to believe he could indeed make her his wife, that he was not the burden he had convinced himself he would be without his hearing, and attempt to be happy once more.
At the sight of her at the pianoforte, he had clenched his hands at his sides in an effort not to take her in his arms and kiss away her melancholy. He had raised her hopes once, he would not do so again. Even now, she could be carrying his child. He squeezed his eyes closed and shook himself. He had to find a way for her to accept what he could provide.
“Sir, I had not realised you were here.” Jennings stood just inside the door that led to the dressing room. “Did you require something?”
He blinked and cleared his throat. “ In fact, I do .” He cleared his throat again. Why was this so hard to confess? “ That night at the inn, when I spent the night in Miss Darcy’s chamber, more occurred than should have. ”
Jennings did no more than raise his eyebrows.
“ How close are you with Miss Darcy’s lady’s maid ?”
“We have spoken, my lord, but she does not speak of the lady’s concerns. She is as circumspect a maid as I have ever encountered. I assume you wish to know if Miss Darcy begins to show signs of being with child?”
“ I do .”
Jennings shifted on his feet. “If I may be so bold, why not simply offer her your hand? Your feelings for her are obvious. Below stairs at Hemel Hill, the servants had spoken of the match due to the openness of your countenance for a time.”
“ I did make her the offer of my hand, but with the understanding that she would return to her brother after we wed. She refused .”
His valet’s forehead furrowed. “Forgive me, sir, but anyone with eyes can see she is in love with you as well. Can you imagine how hurtful and insulting such a proposal would be?”
Of course he did! “ I am not ignorant, Jennings .”
“Again, forgive me, but if you did not hold so to your fear, you would accept that the lady could be your salvation and that you can be happy again. I know I have overstepped, but you deserve as much as anyone to have a fulfilling life—” His valet’s mouth clamped shut when Charles faced him. Jennings bowed. “If you will excuse me.”
“ Jennings ,” Charles said.
His valet paused. “You have no need to worry. I shall do as you ask unless you see fit to propose to her in earnest and no longer require me to play the part of spy for you.”
Charles stood in the middle of the room stricken dumb. His valet had never spoken to him with anything less than the utmost respect, yet Charles could not deny that his behaviour demanded the severest reproof. He deserved no less than Jennings’ utmost contempt.