Would You Die With Me? (Artificial Suicide #2)

Prologue

June 2025

The perpetuity of loss never hits right away. Whether it’s physical or metaphorical, the emotional discomfort that comes with it is equally strong, circling in endless loops of confusion that become excruciating when alone at night. Because it is precisely during this time of day that you reflect the most on the experiences shared with the person you lost and wonder how to move forward. But the emptiness it leaves behind doesn’t truly cripple you until your imagination calms down, panic subsides, and you fully understand nothing will ever be the same.

Noah wasn’t new to that kind of pain, and tonight, at twenty-seven, he added another dent to his already battered soul. Learning everything Kaj had gone through, how utterly alone and lonely he’d been, was, nevertheless, the deepest of all his wounds.

Pacing the living room like a lion in a cage, unsure of what to do with the murderous ideas growing inside him, Noah ruffled his hair and huffed. His entire existence felt on edge, but it wasn’t remotely as painful as the sensation rattling him since he brought Kaj home.

Noah hadn’t experienced anything like the cruel reality Kaj lived in, but this was a consequence of his own mistakes, and it made him feel a different type of guilt.

Noah had abandoned Kaj when he needed him the most.

How did someone recover from that?

How did one ask for forgiveness or forgive themselves?

How could Kaj look at him, let alone want to touch him?

Once he’d calmed down a little, Noah padded into the dim tranquility of his room and sat on the desk, bare feet planted on the chair. After their talk, Noah had put on his Wish You Were Here vinyl to help Kaj relax, but it had been a while since it was just crackling noises as the needle grazed over the dead wax on and on. Blurred lights danced outside while the pitter-patter of rain softly drummed on the window, making Noah lose focus of his reflection.

He’d tried to keep his composure when Kaj fell apart in front of his eyes, taking care of him the best he could, but he didn’t know where to lay the blame now. Himself? Kaj’s family? Society? A bit of everything?

Surely, Kaj was the only innocent here.

Wiping away the tear that rolled down his cheek, Noah sniffled. He had no right to cry or feel hurt. Not when he hadn’t been there for Kaj.

Noah wished he could press rewind and go back to when they were sixteen. Although life hadn’t been a fairytale, especially not after Nikolaj died, at least they would have the chance to take a different route, make things better, change their fate.

Scrubbing a palm down his face, exhaustion weighed down on his shoulders. Noah gazed at Kaj sleeping on his bed. He needed to get some rest, but this— him —was everything Noah had ever wanted. What if he closed his eyes and Kaj disappeared again? He wouldn’t survive that one more time. Even with his sharp edges on full display. Even with the ugly pieces of him scattered all over the place. This man wasn’t a part of the journey. He was, and always had been, his beginning and all his ends.

Noah clenched his jaw, struggling to hold back the tears as he watched him. His mind was so muddled in a seesaw of hope and visceral rage that he couldn’t think straight. The idea of a blade slicing through Jesper’s flesh blended with the countless memories of Kaj’s hands and lips caressing him, of his smile, of his hoarse voice pulsing through Noah’s being like the heartbeat that kept him alive.

How could someone who was supposed to protect you harm you like that?

An unintelligible mumble distracted Noah from his devious musings, attracting his attention to Kaj again. He was completely passed out, and still, it was obvious he wasn’t at peace.

How did I not see the signs?

Noah wanted to scream.

During the last few months, while they were on tour, Kaj had woken up agitated more than once. The nightmares were so bad sometimes, he’d even let Noah hug him back to sleep when all they did was bicker by day and fuck at night. But now… he could read between the lines of everything Kaj had said and done. He could hear the frustration in his angry comebacks and the sorrow in his lies. He could taste his anguish in the way he kissed him. He could feel the undying love in the way they fucked.

Without fear—no matter if he got burned—Noah could finally admit that they were two missing halves of the same entity yearning to find each other again.

Unable to control himself, Noah hopped down from the desk and walked over to his bed. The mattress dipped under his knees, causing Kaj to stir. With his brows knitted and a lump in his throat, Noah tightly embraced him as he pressed a kiss on his nape, nuzzling and breathing him in.

It was as if, in the subconscious part of his mind, Kaj recognized Noah. As if his presence was enough for him to feel safe as he relaxed in his arms.

They’d finally found their way back home.