Two
It had been two weeks since the meeting with the record label, and ten days since all the vocalists selected by the A he was also a friend, and Kaj’s addiction felt too close to home to ignore. Niels had not only dealt with the press when the drummer was admitted into the hospital and later into rehab after he overdosed two years ago. He’d lost his brother to drugs, which was why Kaj allowed him to be a pain in the ass about it. It was his way of showing he cared.
Right as Kaj caught a glimpse of concern in Aksel and Xander’s looks, Niels opened his mouth to say something. But before he could utter a single word, a knock on the door interrupted them.
“Come on in,” Niels said.
Sofie, the receptionist, walked in, followed by him .
Something stuck in Kaj’s throat.
“Thank you for coming. I’m Niels, the manager. Glad you could make it.” He stood up to greet Noah, and the office chair slid backward, rattling on the wooden floor.
“Thank you for the opportunity.”
Kaj’s ears rang and his pulse wavered.
After asking if they wanted anything to drink and receiving a “we’re good, thanks” for an answer, Sofie left.
Hellos were tossed and handshakes were shared. Niels, his bandmates, and Noah animatedly engaged in small talk, but Kaj couldn’t concentrate on what was being said or the not-so-subtle glares the manager was throwing his way, motioning for him to move his ass and greet the next aspirant. His entire system had collapsed the moment his eyes landed on Noah. Seeing him through a screen and in real life was so different, a part of him wanted to hide and cry.
The other, however, was spellbound.
Noah was taller than Kaj remembered, and stronger. The way that burgundy Henley T-shirt and those black jeans embraced his body gave away the muscle he’d built over the past eight years. His jaw and Adam’s apple were sharper. Even his onyx gaze—scorching when it met Kaj’s—felt different. Just like the cool, non-threatening confidence he carried himself with. Although Noah was meeting two of the musicians he admired when they were teens, there was not a trace of shyness in his demeanor.
Noah definitely wasn’t the scrawny boy he used to be. He was a man. Impressive and magnetic .
Kaj hated him even more for it.
Well, not him really. To hate anyone you had to care, and he didn’t. It was a waste of energy and he had better things to do with his life. But he hated everything concerning his persona. Because, like always , despite how much he’d hurt him, Noah had everything: the talent, the beauty, the loving family, and all the personality traits that, after the awful primary school years, made everyone want to be around him. He might have been oblivious to it, but when they were in their twenties, Kaj saw it every time they were in the same room. Boys or girls, they all fawned over him.
Kaj’s heart thrummed, stricken with a curse as resentment infected his blood like a disease. But since he was trying to be the bigger person and not the biggest problem—for the band—he got up from the couch and moved toward the rest.
“Hey…” Noah outstretched his hand to him. “Thanks for the chance.”
The warmth of his palm rippled through Kaj, and flashes of them infested his mind. Movie nights, bike rides along the coastal drive, the many afternoons they spent building remote control cars, their first concert, their first kiss, the first and last time they’d touched…
Confusing signals were amplified by his throbbing heart, but he wasn’t alone in that turmoil.
Noah might have been good at concealing the nervousness while talking to the guys, but as they shook hands, his armor cracked. Something like uneasiness and dread sedimented in the depths of his gaze, giving Kaj the leverage he needed to feel like he was still in control of the situation and himself.
With an arched brow, he replied, “No problem.”
As they separated, a mischievous grin spread across Aksel’s face. “You can leave your stuff over here.” He pointed at the other couch in the studio, where clothes and instrument cases were piled up.
“S-sure, thanks.”
Once Noah got rid of his coat, he rubbed his palms over his jeans and scratched the back of his neck before crossing his arms.
“Are you ready?” Niels asked from his chair, a sympathetic smile lightening his face.
“I guess.”
“We can do one or two songs for you to warm up without them. I know they can be intimidating—”
“We’re not intimidating,” Xander retorted.
“You’re intimidating as fuck. Like a big, green ogre with pretty hair.” Aksel laughed as he fell on the couch where they’d been sitting before.
“Fuck you.”
“Are you proposing?”
Kaj rolled his eyes and sighed. At any other moment, he wouldn’t have minded their silly banter. Maybe he’d have even joined, but he wanted to be done with this as soon as possible.
Kaj glared at Noah. Maybe then he’d get the message that he was not welcome here. In his space. His shelter. His fucking saving grace.
“Like I was saying,” Niels resumed, “they can be intimidating, although they’re mostly clowns, as you can see. But we can do this however you want. Just say the word. I want you to be comfortable enough to give me your best, okay?”
“Okay.” Noah visibly swallowed.
“Did you check the list of songs we sent?”
“I did.”
“Are there any in particular you’d like to try today?”
“I think if we focus on the ones by Artificial Suicide, it’ll be better,” Noah said. “I’m here to show you what I’m capable of, no? If we wanna see if I’m a match for the band, maybe it’s better we go with those directly.”
Xander let out a deep-sounding chuckle. “I like him already.”
Kaj clicked his tongue.
“Perfect!” Niels nodded. “What do you think about starting with ‘Never Know’?”
“Sounds good to me.”
“I’d like him to try ‘Outsider’.” Kaj offered a patronizing smirk. It was one of the most challenging tracks they had, vocal-wise.
“You couldn’t be more of an asshole if you tried,” Aksel said. “It’s just an audition, dude.”
“But we need to see if he can do it, right?” Kaj said matter-of-factly.
“He has a point,” Xander agreed. “Though we haven’t asked anyone else to try it before.”
“Would you be okay with that?” Niels asked Noah. “There are other songs that would be great for us to analyze your skills.”
Noah dragged his gaze toward Kaj, fixing it on him with searing determination. “I’ll manage.”
Electricity crackled between them as they stared at each other. Kaj had no idea where this poised serenity had come from. Noah used to be a good boy who never talked back and was nice to everyone, even when they deserved a punch in the throat. Sure, he had stood his ground several times when Kaj tried to bulldoze him in the past, but he’d never been so daring.
Anyhow, he didn’t like this new ballsy attitude. If Noah defied him like that again, Kaj might need to teach him a lesson.
Letting himself fall on the couch while Noah entered the live chamber, the drummer released a deep breath.
“What’s bothering you so much?” Xander asked as he sat beside him.
“Nothing.”
“Even if you don’t talk, you always have subtitles written on your face. You know that, right?”
“I don’t like this dude.” Kaj crossed his arms, legs slightly apart as he reclined on the back of the sectional.
The way Noah tried in vain to put the locks of hair falling over his eyes behind his ears as he listened to Niels’s instructions had Kaj equally enraged and hypnotized.
“Why? We know he’s good, and he doesn’t seem afraid of a challenge.”
“He seems so… conceited. I don’t know.”
Aksel snorted on the other side of Xander.
“What?” Kaj snapped.
“You know him from before, don’t you, sweet cheeks?” Grinning, Aksel peeked from behind the bassist.
Ugh . “Yeah. So?”
Xander turned his face to look at Kaj, a wrinkle between his eyebrows. “Why didn’t you say so before?”
“I wasn’t sure at first.” Lies.
“And later?”
“What difference would it make? Jesus. We haven’t talked in ages.” Kaj huffed.
“I get that, but why act like strangers? That’s weird as fuck,” Aksel said.
“We haven’t acted like strangers. It was just… awkward.”
“To put it mildly. You wanted him to sing ‘Outsider.’ Were you archenemies or something?” he mocked.
Kaj frowned, feeling cornered. “No. I—Why do you have to know every little detail of my life? It just seemed pointless to tell you we went to the same school, as if that was so important,” he lied again .
“No need to get so defensive.” Aksel laughed. “But seriously, I’ve followed him for some time on social media and he looks like he knows what he’s doing.”
“That doesn’t make him the best.”
“Well, you said it yourself; we don’t need the best , but someone good enough who’s also capable of adapting to our needs,” Xander noted. “Or do I have to remind you the tour is starting in less than three months?”
“Whatever.”
Kaj knew Noah was probably the best option among all the other vocalists they’d already met, but he didn’t want him here with his laid-back personality and easy smile.
It was irrational to be so spiteful, but Kaj couldn’t help it. Noah’s presence made him bristle. It made him more aware of the ugly parts of himself. He was like a big, blinking neon sign in the middle of the night pointing at his giant pile of mistakes.
“He’s starting,” Aksel said, propping his elbows on his knees as he sat forward.
The atmospheric intro of their song “Never Know” inundated the air, and soon Noah began singing. Soft and cradling, like a lullaby. It felt as if the room dimmed by itself, setting him into the spotlight and making the world outside disappear.
Noah was a tenor, but his voice was raspier and deeper than when Kaj had last heard him sing in person. The intensity and vulnerability in his vocals were unmatched. Fucking flawless. The videos, with the autotune and post-production, hid the beautiful subtleties that could only be appreciated in a live performance.
The incredible texture and his natural grit.
The power on his higher belting notes.
The way he so effortlessly navigated the harmony.
Without hesitation, Noah devoured the track, owning each one of the words in it.
Why couldn’t he stay wherever he’d been all these years and not invade Kaj’s space again? It had taken him forever to forget Noah, and still he knew it was just a carefully woven net of lies. How did anyone fully get over what they had?
Kaj didn’t need this. Not now that he was finally getting better. He didn’t need the temptation, the emotional codependency, or the reminder that he would never be good enough. Didn’t fucking need any of it. Yet a devious part of his soul yearned for him .
Kaj huffed, feeling uncomfortable as the second song began.
He wrote “Villain” after Noah and he parted ways eight years ago. Artificial Suicide included it in the first album in which he had participated. It talked about the all-consuming nature of toxic relationships and how difficult it was to break free from them.
Talk about fucking timing.
“That’s one of my favorite songs of yours,” Aksel said.
“Thanks.”
“His voice makes it even better.”
“It’s not bad.” Kaj lifted a shoulder.
“Are you deaf?” Aksel chuckled. “The emotion he’s showing. Sounds like he’s really feeling it.”
“Isn’t it amazing when musician and music sync like that?” Xander asked no one in particular.
“Totally,” Aksel agreed.
“I guess,” Kaj said through gritted teeth as they blabbered on about how amazing Noah was.
Ethereal and dark, the track slowly escalated, allowing Noah to show off his absurd range and technique. He transitioned with ease between the breathy and the more chested voice, only to abandon himself to desperate-sounding screams that rattled Kaj’s insides.
Xander and Aksel seemed delighted with the show Noah was putting on for them, and so did Niels, which only made the drummer’s jaw tic. Even rehab, where he’d suffered through severe withdrawal symptoms, was better than this.
Unable to take it anymore, Kaj stood up abruptly and strode outside with his bomber jacket in hand. The emergency door to the back alley closed as he leaned on the brick wall, lighting a cig.
The narrow street felt smaller than ever, almost as if the buildings were caving to smash him in between. It was hard to breathe, and it was cold, but he’d rather freeze his ass to death than keep listening to Noah sing.
Kaj unzipped his jacket enough to pull his beanie from the inside pocket and put it on. Taking another long drag, his mind drifted away…
“Hey!” Noah said as he walked into Kaj’s garage with his bike.
“Hey back—” Kaj raised his eyes from his drums and froze. There was a bruise on Noah’s cheek. Revenge after they kicked those bullies’ asses at Lukas’s party? “What the hell happened?” He stood up and walked over to him, gently thumbing the purple area.
“Same old shit. Don’t worry.” Noah waved a hand dismissively.
“Don’t worry?” Kaj frowned. “I’m gonna kill them.”
“I always knew you were the villain.” Noah chuckled.
“For you? Absolutely.”
“Well, you better not get caught burying someone in your dad’s backyard.” Noah flashed him a sly grin, trying to hide the frustration. But he didn’t fool Kaj. “If you go to jail, we won’t get that happily ever after all movies sell.”
“You wouldn’t wait for me?” Kaj smirked, cupping his boyfriend’s face with both hands and pecking his lips.
“I would, but depending on your jail sentence, I might be dead by the time you got out,” Noah said as they walked into the house. They weren’t rehearsing today. Kaj was just tuning with his drums before because it was his new obsession and he had nothing better to do while waiting for him.
“Nah, I would behave while in prison so they’d let me out earlier,” Kaj replied, following him up the stairs.
“Do you even know what the word ‘behave’ means?”
“We’re kind of sassy today, aren’t we?” Kaj said as he locked the door of his room.
“Am I?” Noah grinned as he sat on the bed.
Kaj smiled back. He made his way toward Noah, sliding a knee between his legs and pressing their mouths together as he laid on top of him.
How had something so wholesome transformed into the fucked-up relationship they had eight years ago? How did the purity of that first love become so tainted?
A metallic thud hauled Kaj back into the alley, snapping him out of the useless spiral of what-ifs swirling in his head. His third cigarette had consumed itself between his fingers, smoldering right down to the filter.
“They said you’d be here,” Noah mumbled as he zipped his coat. “I’m leaving. You can go back inside.”
Wind blew between them, whistling eerily as they looked at each other.
Kaj let the silence stretch for a few beats before he broke eye contact and tossed the stub to the ground. He crushed it beneath his boot, making the remains of snow crunch, as he held off the venom coiling in his stomach. But when he raised his head and saw Noah standing there, with something like pity edging his features, like Kaj was some stray dog left out in the cold, he couldn’t keep his mouth shut.
“Why did you come?” he asked, crossing his arms.
“Because they asked me to,” Noah replied while putting on some leather gloves.
“You could have said no.”
“Why would I do that?”
“Because it’s my band.”
Noah let out a short, bitter chuckle, easing into a sigh as he rolled a black scarf around his neck. “I’m trying to make a name for myself in the industry, and if your band happens to give me that opportunity, so be it.”
“You already have a big community.”
“You’ve checked me out,” Noah noted.
Kaj rolled his eyes. “It’s part of my job.”
“Well, just so you have all the information, a community online is not enough. I want more.”
“Go somewhere else to find it.”
“What? You afraid they’ll see the real you if I stick around for too long?” Noah threw the question like a jab straight to his face.
Without giving it a second thought, Kaj invaded Noah’s personal space in a stoic yet menacing display of power. He’d never been one to step on the brakes and wasn’t going to start now. Not in front of this man, who seemed so keen on ruffling his feathers with that mask of fabricated calmness that only irritated him more.
“Stay the fuck away,” Kaj grunted, jaw so tense it could snap at any moment.
“What are you gonna do if I don’t?”
Noah’s dark eyes flared up, fueling the violence pulsing in Kaj’s veins.
“Don’t mess with me. You’ll regret it.”
“Heard that before.”
“I mean it.” Kaj bared his teeth. One more word. One more fucking word and he was going to—
Noah sighed, stepping back and putting a palm on Kaj’s chest to keep him away. A dismissal. A fucking insult.
“I don’t know what your problem is, and honestly, I don’t care.” Noah dusted off his coat like Kaj was dirt he needed to shake loose. “I’ll do what’s best for me .”
Kaj’s skin crawled, his fists ached and blood bubbled in his veins.
He couldn’t reproach Noah for the shit he’d endured when he was sixteen. Except for his stepmother, Kaj had never talked about what happened when it was happening with anyone—not anyone he knew in real life, and it wasn’t like he did it voluntarily with her, anyway. So, expecting the rest of the world to see his suffering and stop it was foolish. But that changed nothing for them or the once beautiful emotions that mutated into venomous rage.
After losing his dad, life had fallen like dominos, piece after piece after piece. Even if Kaj hadn’t been so overwhelmed with what he felt back then, even if he had told Noah the truth, the damage was already done.
There was no way Noah would have stayed. Not because he didn’t want to, but because the repulsion every time he looked at him would’ve been too much to bear. Kaj had felt it for a long time whenever he’d stared at himself in the mirror. Even now, some days, it was hard to focus on what he’d achieved instead of what had been stolen from him.
Kaj poked Noah’s pec. “You’ve been warned.”
“Yeah, okay.” He rubbed his chest and turned around, waving a hand as he walked away. “See you.”
Something unpleasant forked through Kaj’s spine. He wanted to run after Noah and crash him against the wall, scare him enough so he would never come back.
His lips pursed into a thin line, fists clenching and unclenching as he squeezed his eyes closed for a second to collect himself. His breath faltered. All the things he didn’t want to remember had pulled him out of solid ground like a rip current during the past few weeks, but he couldn’t let one person throw him off his game so easily.
Inhaling, he looked up at the darkening sky disrupted by light pollution and stray clouds until he couldn’t hear anything other than his pulse reverberating in the alley. The world felt like a better place now that he was alone again, but it was… empty.
Kaj winced.
Mutual dislike and exasperation were the only things they had in common now, but his heart hadn’t beat with such violence in a long time. It was as if his body knew a truth his mind wasn’t ready to accept. A truth that would tear his armor to shreds, leaving him completely exposed. Scars. Fears. Weaknesses.
Fuck! Kaj punched the metal door.
“Dude, you missed it!” Aksel said as soon as he walked into the studio with a sore fist.
“What?”
“Noah sang ‘Outsider’ and he. Fucking. Nailed. It.”
Kaj was taking off his jacket and stopped halfway as those words rolled off his friend’s tongue. A shiver ran through each one of his limbs. With the bomber hanging from his hand, he blinked in disbelief.
“You’re kidding.”
“No.” Xander shook his head with an expression Kaj had only seen when they performed. “He was clearly nervous, but didn’t let that ruin it for him.”
“We need him,” Aksel stated. “He’s super chill, has a perfect cadence, and his voice is so fucking gritty, I’ve got goosebumps on my arms all the damn time.”
“He can’t be that good. Besides, we still have three other vocalists to meet.”
“Yeah, we know,” Xander said. “But this S?rensen guy has gone straight to the top of the list.”
“What do you think?” Kaj asked the manager, searching for some common sense while fear embittered the tip of his tongue.
“I like him.” Niels spun his chair to face them. “Like I said at our last meeting, it’s been a while since I’ve seen someone like him.”
“But what about that guy from yesterday? He smashed it, too.”
“He did. And he is also one I’m seriously considering. But Noah’s timbre captivated me from the start. It’s dark, emotional, and powerful. I think he’d be a great addition to the band.”
Kaj frowned and gaped as he tried to come up with valid arguments to respond, but he couldn’t. So, he simply grunted, plopping down on the couch beside Xander. Then, Niels’s phone vibrated on the mixing desk.
He looked at it and stood up. “Gotta take this.”
As he walked out of the studio, Kaj deflated, as if life had been drained out of him. This couldn’t be happening.
“Okay, out with it,” Xander said, crossing his arms and tilting his chin when his eyes caught Kaj’s.
“Out with what?”
“What do you know about this Noah guy that we don’t?”
Kaj’s gaze flicked to Aksel, who was propped on an elbow over his knee, an inquisitive look on his face. Neither of them was stupid nor oblivious, so of course they’d notice his reluctance to work with Noah.
Clenching his jaw, the drummer took a deep breath through his nose, letting it out in a sonorous puff of air.
“Dude, if you have a problem with him, we have a problem with him,” Xander coaxed.
“It’s not that I have a problem with him. Not anymore.” Kaj paused and stared down at his fidgety hands on his lap. He needed to stop picking at the hangnail on his thumb when he was anxious. “It’s complicated.”
Xander’s brows pinched in concern, but all he said was “okay.” Then he and Aksel started showing each other photos on their respective phones, blabbering about motorcycles since the bassist was thinking of getting a new one. To say Kaj was confused at their reaction was an understatement.
“You’re not gonna ask?” he said, blankly staring ahead.
“Do you wanna talk about it?” Xander replied.
“Not really.”
“We don’t wanna pry then,” Aksel said.
“Judging by how tense you were around S?rensen and the way you snapped before, it’s obvious you have a history—an ex, maybe?” Xander slowly shook his head with a smile when Kaj opened his mouth to talk. “No need to explain anything now. You’ll tell us when you feel like it.”
Kaj’s heart skidded.
The best thing about being around people with baggage of their own was that they saw beyond the facade. They knew how to read him and always respected his limits.
“The only thing I’m gonna tell you is to keep in mind that this is about the band’s future,” Xander added, “and sadly, the decision is not only up to us.”
“I know.”
Thanks to the commotion Emil created, the new vocalist selection would be a “team” choice. A team formed by the band members, their manager, and the heads of department sitting at the table the other day.
The record label never interfered in the internal decision-making processes of the band, but some of the clauses in their contract granted them certain rights concerning band members departures and replacements—especially in cases that could potentially damage their reputation and investment, like this one.
“Assuming S?rensen will make it to the top three, we will vote for any of the other guys on Monday. Maybe we can get Niels on board with us. That way we’ll have more power over the outcome.”
“I appreciate it, but I’d rather keep it between us. He’s already busting my balls with rehab and shit whenever I’m moody. I don’t want to give him more ammunition.”
“Let’s hope the next artists are better than him then, because as inconvenient and unpleasant as you find it, S?rensen nailed it today.”
“Yeah. He has a habit of being fucking perfect.” Kaj scoffed.
Xander and Aksel gave him a knowing look, and after a brief silence, they resumed the conversation from before like nothing had happened. Like, even though they had little to no information about what made Kaj so uncomfortable about Noah, they’d just blindly taken his word for it.
For Kaj, that was huge.
What he’d gone through as a teen had destroyed his sense of self and his ability to function around others, which led to years of engaging in risky behaviors that could have cost him his life. He was getting better at that, yet he still struggled with flashbacks, hypervigilance, controlling his emotions, and relying on others. Aside from Mads, Kaj hadn’t trusted anyone for a long time, but these guys had earned it the hard way.