Fifteen
Kaj sank deeper into the couch, gaze fixed on the flickering TV screen but not really seeing anything.
He’d never been a fan of sci-fi movies, so he had no idea what the hell he was doing watching… whatever this was. Kaj didn’t care. All he could feel as the scene unfolding in front of his eyes faded into a distant hum was a riptide of memories washing over him.
His throat tightened, and a pressure that felt like a ton of cement solidified in his lungs.
No one made it out alive. That was just how the cycle of life worked. But not being able to see Dad, hug him, and make fun of his silly jokes hurt too much. He should have said ‘I love you’ more. He should have told him that he was proud of being his son. That he wouldn’t be so good at playing drums if it weren’t for him. That he would give anything to bring him back.
As the guy on TV put down his own dog after being bitten by a zombie, Kaj shifted uncomfortably. He’d always hated when animals got hurt or died, even if it was fiction. He liked them more than he liked most people. The worst was that this scene only intensified the ache spreading throughout his body like wildfire. Dad used to love dogs, but he was so allergic he couldn’t pet one without getting a rash.
Trying to focus on something else to fight the tears threatening to spill, Kaj scanned the room. It felt familiar, yet he couldn’t pinpoint where he’d seen it before. The faint aroma of greasy food lingered in the atmosphere from a heap of half-eaten hot dogs and limp fries strewn across the coffee table. An old electric guitar rested on the armchair, looking somewhat soul-broken while the light from the TV cast an eerie glow over the disarray.
Wasn’t he supposed to be on the tour bus? Sleeping?
Kaj then realized he felt fuzzy, warm, and a little lightheaded. It was strange, but he easily recognized this sensation. It was the same when he was drunk and had smoked weed.
Wait. That can’t be.
Laughter resonated beside him, sending the most disgusting, cold chills down Kaj’s spine.
Slowly, he turned his head, feeling a void open in his chest when he saw Jesper cackling. Only a couple of feet away. He wasn’t paying attention to the movie but typing on his phone. It was both comforting and harrowing, but most of all, confusing. Kaj’s mind split in two.
Shit. No, no, no.
A sob bubbled up in Kaj’s throat, and he clamped his lips shut to hold it in, but it was too late. The sound escaped him, making Jesper turn his face toward him.
“Kaj? What’s wrong?”
Kaj nodded jerkily, not trusting his voice. But as Jesper’s hand landed on his shoulder, the dam crumbled and tears flowed.
Fuck, no. I can’t be here. Not again.
“I miss him,” Kaj choked out between sobs.
Shut up!
Kaj was desperate. He knew exactly where this was going. He needed it to stop. Why couldn’t he make himself stop talking? It was his dream.
“I miss him so much I can’t breathe.”
Shit.
Jesper pulled Kaj into a tight embrace and kissed the top of his head. “I know,” he murmured. “I miss him too.”
In that moment, wrapped in his stepbrother’s arms, Kaj felt sick. It was like one of those nightmares where you’re trapped and can’t move. He was experiencing everything through the body of a younger version of himself while his current self was merely an observer. A guest in his own mind.
Without letting go of him, Jesper lay behind Kaj on the couch, allowing him to cry his heart out as he caressed his head. Soon the pain that was making his heart stutter eased, and the mind fog took center stage. Kaj felt so relaxed, his consciousness came and went like a wave.
“You’re okay…” Jesper’s lips moved from his temple down his cheek.
Kaj didn’t think much of it. Since Dad had passed away, Jesper had been around more, making sure an adult was home—Katja didn’t count these days. Besides, he’d always been a hugger.
But then, with the fingers playing in Kaj’s hair, Jesper turned his face and pressed their mouths together.
What—
…
“What are you doing?” Kaj mumbled against his stepbrother’s kiss.
“What does it look like to you?” Jesper retorted with his usual snark, tightening his arm around him.
Kaj tried to free himself, but he wasn’t strong enough. The alcohol daze didn’t help either. “I have a boyfriend, dude.”
Jesper clicked his tongue and rolled their bodies until he was lying atop Kaj. “I’ve seen the way you look at me, baby brother.” He went for his neck.
“Stop it!” With his fists between their bodies, Kaj tried to punch Jesper’s chest in vain. “I don’t like you that way. We’re brothers.”
“Technically, we’re not.”
“ Jesus! You’re fucking drunk.”
“Just—stop.” Jesper grunted, grabbing Kaj’s wrists and struggling with him until he trapped his arms under his legs as he straddled him.
Kaj’s younger version froze at that. The older one screamed, but his voice was swallowed by the abyss separating them.
“Jesper…” Kaj’s head was pounding, his vision blurry. “Stop, please.”
“Don’t be like that. I know you want it, too,” Jesper slurred as he grinded his hips over him. “You being already half-hard just proves my point, little prince.”
Kaj wanted to yell that his dick had a life of its own, always getting hard at the most inappropriate moments. Even now that he was taking antidepressants and anxiolytics, he’d get erections out of nowhere. But Jesper had covered his mouth with a palm. The other had slipped under his underwear and was stroking him roughly.
Jesper’s leering face swam into view, eyes glassy with something Kaj couldn’t decipher. Then he heard the ruffle of clothes. Panic surged through his veins as he realized there was no escape.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Kaj could feel Jesper’s pubes scraping against his skin. His breath reeked of alcohol, and his skin smelled like sweat and death. And Kaj… he was just an empty receptacle.
In the distance, a song about freedom and justice played through the TV speakers, an ironic soundtrack to this heinous act.
FUCK!
Kaj jolted awake. His skin was damp with sweat and his ribs were threatening to cave in. He wanted to move, but phantom hands held him down. The bitter tang of helplessness filled his mouth, and fragments of the nightmare clung to his retinas like toxic fog, forcing nausea to roil in.
Scrambling out of his bunk, Kaj stumbled down the narrow space in the bunk area, tripping over his own feet on his way to the bathroom. The floor seemed to sway beneath him, though he couldn’t tell if it was from the motion of the vehicle or his own disorientation as his heart pounded unbridled in his chest.
Wave after wave of sickness crashed over him as he retched, body trembling through every convulsion of his stomach. Even after there was nothing left to bring up, he continued to dry heave.
With tears rolling down his cheeks, Kaj flushed the toilet and let himself fall back, slumping against the wall in the tiny room, cramped with just one person in it.
He couldn’t recall having a nightmare so vivid ever before. It was almost as if he was reliving the whole thing, yet he still couldn’t make it stop. The worst, though, was his dick straining in his boxers. He was anything but aroused right now. Yet the erection wouldn’t go away. It was disgusting.
Kaj propped his elbows on his knees and pressed his fingers into his eyes. In his head, there was only noise. His veins felt about to collapse as the urge to numb himself crept in. Fuck! The knives in the kitchenette were useless, but maybe there was something in the cabinet above him he could use to inflict enough pain to ground himself in the present. As a last resort, he could always light up a cig and press it to his skin. Trembling, he clenched his jaw, consciously willing his limbs to fucking move. But his body had seized up.
“Larsen? You alright?” Niels’s sleep-roughened voice made the drummer flinch.
In his haste to reach the toilet, Kaj had forgotten to close all the doors. So here he was now, exposed to whomever took a midnight stroll. Thank fuck everyone used earplugs and even noise-canceling headphones to sleep. Niels was just a weirdo and wanted to be aware of his surroundings at all times. Like a father with his kids.
Kaj cleared his throat, wincing at how raw it felt. “Y-yeah,” he croaked out. “It’s probably something I ate during dinner.”
Niels’s eyes narrowed, as if he was debating whether to trust him or not.
“I haven’t had a drop of alcohol or any other shit.” Fuck you.
“Do you need anything?” the manager asked, ignoring him. Kaj had most likely nailed what Niels was thinking a second ago, but he decided to believe him.
“A minute.” Kaj lowered his face and rubbed his temples with the heel of his palms. His pulse was echoing through his body like a scream in a canyon.
“Crackers might settle your stomach.”
Kaj stiffened as he heard Noah’s voice. Shit.
“It helps my mom when she’s feeling nauseous.”
“I’m fine,” Kaj grumbled.
Thinking about Trine’s cancer and how selfish Kaj had been with her made his stomach twist for a very different reason. He didn’t need the guilt on top of everything else he was feeling. Noah seeing him like this? Even less.
Why the fuck is he awake anyway?
“Go back to bed, Niels. You wake up way earlier than us. I’ll take care of him.”
“You sure?”
Kaj had his forehead pressed to his knees, but he could perfectly hear the hesitation in the manager’s voice.
“Yeah. Don’t worry.”
Niels sighed. “Okay. There are some stomach meds in the cabinet above the coffee machine, in case he needs them.”
“Thanks.”
Why the fuck are they talking like I’m not here?
Without saying anything else, Niels retreated to the sleeping area and Noah walked barefoot in the opposite direction. There was a faint rustle to the left, behind the door that separated the bunks from the rest of the bus. Cabinets opening and closing drifted from the right. Meanwhile, Kaj remained huddled on the bathroom floor, muscles still gripped by the terror refusing to dissipate.
As Noah padded back, he stopped in front of Kaj by the open bathroom door. The crackle of plastic wrap filled his ears, making him lift his head just enough to see Noah lowering himself to sit cross-legged on the floor, his frame crowding the corridor almost completely.
“Here,” Noah said, holding out a bottle of water and a sleeve of crackers. “Small sips, okay?”
Kaj’s hand trembled slightly as he reached for the water, but Noah didn’t comment on it. He stayed there in silence as Kaj took a swig of water, the cool liquid soothing his raw throat. He ate two crackers, grateful for the salty taste in his mouth.
Five, maybe ten minutes passed before Noah spoke again.
“Does it happen a lot? The nightmares, I mean,” he asked, his voice gentle in a way Kaj hadn’t heard before. It was strangely comforting.
“More than I’d like,” Kaj admitted.
“Since when?”
The dim illumination in the bus was casting sharp shadows over Noah’s face, making it impossible to read his expression. Yet the concern etched in his body language was on full display.
“It comes and goes.”
“But…” Noah paused. “Something must be triggering you. It’s already happened twice—that I know of—in two weeks.”
Four, really. But that’s nothing. Kaj lifted a shoulder as he chewed on another cracker.
“Wanna talk about it?”
Kaj shook his head. How would he explain the horror in his dreams without telling him what Jesper and Katja had done? A sick twist of memory left him feeling hollowed out and dirty just thinking about it again.
Noah nodded, respecting his space, figuratively and literally, because he was there with him yet wasn’t being overbearing and pushy. Some people found comfort in being held and rocked during panic attacks, but Kaj hated it. Until he was in full control of himself, he’d rather not be touched.
“Okay…” Noah said. “I’m here if you need me, though. For anything .”
The simple statement cracked Kaj’s armor. But that was something he couldn’t allow—weakness, vulnerability. So, he did what he was best at; masking and lying.
“Would you fuck me ?” he tossed, forcing a smirk.
He needed something that physically hurt and, for some reason, he believed Noah could give him that perfect edge between pain and pleasure without making him spiral. Though truthfully, just thinking about it made him freak the fuck out.
“Thought you said you never bottom,” Noah replied, making Kaj’s mouth curl up in a real lopsided grin. Of course he’d remember that.
“Are you rejecting me?”
“No. But I’m not gonna do something you don’t like.”
Did he really hate it? His mind said yes, but Kaj had never tried it—not consensually—so he didn't really know.
“Suck my dick then.”
“No.”
Kaj raised a questioning eyebrow, feeling insulted.
“You can have me whenever and however you want, except to hide from whatever shit you’re dealing with.”
Kaj blinked fast several times, then touched the wall with the back of his head and laughed, not even caring if he was being too loud. The tension slowly drained away, leaving him boneless on the bathroom floor. It wasn’t often that someone turned him down so firmly, especially when he’d offered his body like that. But there was something oddly reassuring about Noah’s statement and the determination in his eyes.
“Look at you, all principled and shit,” Kaj teased. “Where’s the guy who was begging for my cum last night?” he said in a lower tone.
“Completely unrelated. I can be a slut and still have limits.”
“And this is where you draw the line?”
“I allowed you to take out your problems on me once, but that’s not happening again,” Noah said. His voice was so raspy and gritty, Kaj’s mind slowly changed gears.
Fuck, I want to lick that mouth.
“You said you’d do anything.”
“If you need to vent, cry, break stuff, or even bury a body, I’m your guy. When we fuck, it’ll be because we both want it.”
“So what? You’re gonna hold my hand while I cry about my traumatic past?” Kaj internally kicked himself for letting that slip.
“If that’s what you need,” Noah said simply.
Kaj stared at him, frowning, unsure how to feel about all this.
“You’re not gonna ask?”
“About what?”
“What I just said.” Kaj huffed.
“I’m aware something awful must have happened to you. Had that impression eight years ago.” Noah averted his eyes for a moment and swallowed. “Would I like to know? Yeah. We might not be besties , Larsen, but a part of me still cares. I will always care.” He clenched his jaw. “But you already said you don’t wanna talk about it, so I’m not going to force you to do it.”
Kaj’s mouth hung agape as he stared at Noah. He’d spent so much time building walls, pushing people away, using sex and sarcasm as shields. Yet here was this man, effortlessly tearing through it all, offering understanding without demands.
As the bus rumbled beneath them, Kaj felt something shift inside him, and he allowed himself to imagine what it might be like to let someone in. To trust.
His chest tightened, but it wasn’t the anguish he was so used to. It was something else, something warm, fragile, and new.
Kaj looked at Noah, really looked at him.
Their history was catastrophic, but they weren’t the same people they’d been a decade ago. Their separate lives and experiences had shaped them into something different. So maybe, just maybe , Kaj’s psychologist was right, and Noah could be what he needed to free himself from the chains that kept him locked in the past.
“Can I ask you something?” Kaj said, trying to convince himself that this was the product of his still fogged-up mind.
“Sure.”
“What was that with Lee before?”
“Nothing you need to worry about,” Noah simply replied, which, of course, made Kaj frown. “After I finished my studies in the UK, I worked as a producer—mostly indie bands and some small local films. He wanted to know if I’d be interested in joining his studio.”
“Are you?”
Noah sighed. “If he’d asked me at another time, maybe. I loved it, but I also like where I am at the moment.”
“Good to know.”
Noah offered a weak smile before averting his eyes. Another brief silence stretched between them. Oddly enough, it was comfortable, soothing even.
“You came back for Trine, I’m guessing?”
“Yeah.”
“That sucks. All of it. That she’s sick, that you had to drop a job you loved…”
“Life’s a bitch,” Noah said with a shrug before standing and outstretching his hand. “Come on. You need to get some rest or the concert tomorrow will be shit.”
“You gonna cuddle me to sleep?” Kaj snorted, letting Noah pull him to his feet before following him to the front lounge.
“That seemed to work the last time.”
“Are you serious right now?” Kaj asked as Noah unfolded the sofa into a bed, the metal frame creaking softly as it extended.
The vocalist glanced over his shoulder as he retrieved extra pillows and a thick fleece blanket from a storage compartment. “Would you prefer to squeeze in a bunk together?”
“Yeah, no.”
“There,” Noah said, gesturing to the mattress. “Make yourself comfortable.”
Kaj hesitated for a moment before climbing onto the bed. It dipped a little when Noah joined him, leaving a respectful distance between their bodies as he lay on his side.
The low hum of the bus engine and the occasional rustle as one of them shifted position were the only sounds filling the space. Moonlight filtered through tinted windows, drawing ghostly shapes over the curve of Noah’s shoulders and back. The proximity and privacy of this room while everyone else was outside stirred something in Kaj that he wasn’t ready to examine yet.
He stared up at the ceiling, clenching and unclenching his fists under the blanket to release some tension. “This is weird.”
“What? Two grown men having a sleepover?”
“Yes, but also you being so nice.”
“You’re the only asshole on the bus.”
Kaj chuckled. “Right.”
Hearing Noah move beside him, Kaj looked in his direction, their eyes locking as he faced him.
“I’m not going to say you’re my favorite person when you’ve been a pain in my ass since I joined Artificial Suicide,” Noah said. “But right now, you need someone, and I’m here. Simple as that.”
“Okay…” Kaj pulled the blanket higher as warmth bloomed in his chest.
Another beat of silence fell between them, but it felt less awkward than before. In this moment, away from the chaos of the world outside and the demons that usually plagued his dreams, Kaj felt a rare sense of clarity.
“So…” He cleared his throat. “Yesterday I didn’t let you, but maybe we should talk about this thing between us.”
“Agreed,” Noah tipped his chin slightly, motioning Kaj to start.
“I don’t think I need to explain to you how much of a mess I am, you’ve seen it for yourself,” Kaj said. “I can’t promise you anything serious, long-term, or deep. I’m working through a lot of shit at the moment, so my focus is on myself.”
“Okay,” Noah replied. “But Kaj?”
“Hm?”
“I’m not looking for promises of eternal love, if that’s what you think. I’m demisexual, not a hopeless romantic. I don’t need to be madly in love with someone to want to get my dick sucked.” A lazy smile tugged the side of Noah’s lips.
Those words rolling from this man’s tongue made Kaj feel like a brainless teenager, but he didn’t let it show.
“We’re on the same page then.”
“Seems so.”
That was easy. Too easy. Kaj rolled on his side to face Noah fully. “I’m curious, though. What are you looking for?”
“I have a lot of shit going on, too. So, I guess I just need something to take my mind off of it, and sex with you is good enough to do that.”
“Good enough?” Kaj scoffed. “You came three times last night and nearly passed out on the last one.”
“I’m not gonna say you’re the best sex I’ve ever had, or your ego won’t fit through the door.”
Kaj quirked an eyebrow, basking in Noah’s implied admission. “So, no strings attached?”
“We both know it’s more complicated than that between us. But yeah, I’m not asking for a commitment. Though, we work together, so we need to set some ground rules. If this goes south, it could mess up the whole dynamic, and I’d rather avoid that.”
“Let’s hear those rules.”
“No jealousy. If either of us wants to hook up with someone else, we talk about it and see if it’s something we’re comfortable with when it happens. Safety always comes first.”
“So, non-exclusive?” Kaj asked, the sting in the back of his head already telling him he wouldn’t be too happy if he saw Noah with someone else.
He’d never had issues with sharing before. Why was it different with this man? Also, why was he mentioning this. Was there someone in his life?
“I probably won’t be fucking around, if that’s what you’re worried about, Larsen,” Noah sighed, sounding exasperated. “I’m not like that. But we keep the communication open. And if either of us wants to end this… arrangement, we do. No hard feelings.”
“Okay. What else?”
Noah’s eyes roamed Kaj’s face. “I’d like you to stop using me as a punching bag, too. If you’re having a bad day, talk to me or go kick a tree until you break your foot, but don’t take it out on me.”
“Fair enough.” Kaj chuckled. “What about... physical boundaries?”
“Hmm… I don’t mind being called derogatory names, but I don’t like being heavily humiliated. Praise is more than okay, and so is biting, spanking, choking, and anything that involves a little pain. I’m pretty open-minded. As long as we talk about it, if we both agree, I’m willing to try anything.” Noah’s mouth curved into a faint smirk.
“Can definitely work with that,” Kaj said nonchalantly, trying his best to hide his enthusiasm.
“Now, what about you? What are your boundaries ?” The way Noah emphasized the last question made Kaj think he was getting closer, slowly decoding the complex geometry of his mind.
The drummer took a deep breath, forcing himself to maintain eye contact, although the coward within wanted him to run for the hills. “I need space sometimes. If I pull away, it probably won’t be because of you. I just need to process things on my own.”
“Okay. What else?”
“I’m not great with... intimacy,” Kaj admitted. “Sex is fine, but everything else—cuddling, kissing outside of sex, and that kind of thing—it’s not easy or natural for me.”
Noah’s expression flickered for a second before he nodded. “Got it.”
Kaj was aware of the irony. But Noah hugging him or taking care of him after a nightmare was the exception that confirmed the rule.
“Hm… Since we want to keep this private, no marks where people can see them. Also, I’m not into anal, so that’s off the table.”
“Not even rimming or a finger?”
Kaj twisted his mouth. The only person he’d ever trusted enough to touch him like that was Mads, and it had happened only a handful of times. But something inside him kept wriggling with excitement whenever he thought about Noah eating him out. “We’ll see. Maybe, with time.”
Noah smirked.
And there goes my last brain cell .
“The last thing would be…” Kaj forced himself to continue, despite feeling like doing other things to avoid the extreme sense of vulnerability sinking in his chest. “If I ever ask you to stop, you stop. Immediately.”
“Of course. Always.”
With nothing else to say, they stared at each other in silence, sealing their pact.
As they stayed there, exhaustion finally settled in. It had been a rough night, but being here with Noah made Kaj feel like he could close his eyes and nothing bad would happen .
Those lips though…
Noah cleared his throat. “So, we’re good?”
Kaj dragged his gaze up to his. “We’re good.”
Rolling onto his stomach, with both arms tucked under the pillow and still a respectable distance between them, Noah sighed. “Get some sleep, Larsen. We’ve got a long day ahead of us tomorrow.”
“Yeah. G’night.”