2. Chapter 2
Beck
I look at Kassie where she’s curled up beside me, her soulful brown eyes on mine. “Where do you think he is, Kassie? I should text him, huh?”
I turn the TV off and pull my phone out.
Me
Hey, beautiful. Getting worried. Things going okay?
I’m about to set my phone back down when it buzzes in my hand.
Roman
Yeah, I’m sorry. I was about to text you and let you know I’m on my way home.
Me
Be safe. See you soon.
I’m almost asleep on the couch when the front door opens and Roman walks in, looking exhausted and like he’s been crying. “Oh, beautiful. Rough night?”
He nods, stumbling toward the couch and collapsing into my lap.
I grunt a little at the impact, but wrap my arms around him and pull him in close to me.
He doesn’t say anything, but that’s not unusual.
He’s very tight-lipped about the kids he helps, which yeah, understandable.
Confidentiality is really important to him.
I don’t need to know the details to cuddle him and make him feel better, though, so it doesn’t really matter.
He sinks deeper into my embrace as I bring a hand to his hair to run my fingers through it. He sniffles, but doesn’t seem like he’s actively crying. “Do you want to go to bed, beautiful?”
He nods, his face brushing my chest. “Yes, please.”
He climbs from my lap and holds his hand out to me, so I grab it and stand before following him down the hall to our room.
I close the door behind us, and we strip down in silence before climbing into bed beside each other.
As soon as we’re settled, he rolls into me, resting his head on my chest and plastering the rest of his body to mine.
He must have been serious about it being a rough night because within a few minutes, he’s dead asleep, snoring softly. I let my fingers trail along his neck and back as his body grows heavier against mine in his sleep. It’s not long before I’m joining him.
When morning comes and my alarms with it, Roman is up like a shot, sitting straight up. “I have to go to Safe Haven today.”
I blink at him, trying to get my eyes to function. It’s too damn early for him to be so… whatever he is right now. “Okay, beautiful.”
He turns to me. “I’m going to stop and get a kid some clothes first, though, okay?”
He’s never felt the need to tell me when he’s going to buy one of his kids something before, and something about it tickles my brain a bit, but I brush it off. “Sounds good. You know I don’t mind.”
“Yeah,” he mumbles, dropping his eyes. “Yeah, I know. ”
I tilt his chin up and plant my lips on his. “Good. I’m gonna get up and get ready for work. Do you want to shower with me?”
He shakes his head. “No. I don’t have time to.”
I scrunch my nose up in confusion. Doesn’t have time to? It’s not like there’s a time limit on going to the group home. But sometimes he gets like this. Single-minded focus on his job is part of what makes him so fucking good at it. I nod. “Alright, beautiful.”
He seems a little lost in his own world, but I try to brush off the anxiety about the situation and get out of bed.
It’s not like he’s given me any reason not to trust him.
Hell, we’ve been back together for almost three years now.
There’s not a single reason for me to be freaking out.
But I still can’t help the small bit of nervousness that’s currently taking up residence in my stomach.
When I’m done in the shower, I don’t expect the house to be empty, but it is. He’s already gone? He didn’t even say goodbye.
I don’t know what’s going on and my mind is spinning.
Why did he just leave like that? It honestly fucks me up a bit…
It feels similar to the last time he took off without a word, even though I know that’s not the case.
I can’t stop my mind from spiraling, though.
Why was he acting so strange last night ?
He’s not leaving me, right?
No. He wouldn’t do that.
We’re just a few weeks out from our wedding.
The wedding we’ve been planning for years.
He wouldn’t.
I try to shake myself from my panicked thoughts. I know they don’t belong to me. They belong to anxiety. Roman loves me. He’s not leaving me.
He’s not.
I can’t concentrate worth a shit at work. My mind is everywhere, reeling with anxiety, so I find someone to cover the ER for a second and take the elevator up to the pediatric floor to find Holden.
My eyes lock on him, leaning against the nurses’ station as soon as the elevator doors open, and I sigh a bit in relief. His eyes light up when he sees me. “Hey, Beckett. What brings you to my neck of the woods?”
His lighthearted tone almost makes me cry, but I’m not sure why. “Can I talk to you?” I whisper, scared that if I talk any louder, the aforementioned tears will become a real problem .
He straightens, his face turning serious. “Of course, Beck. Follow me.”
He takes off toward an exam room, and I trail behind him, biting my lip. He closes the door behind us and turns to me with a worried look. “What’s wrong?”
“I don’t know,” I say quietly. “Roman’s acting strange.”
“Strange?” Holden echoes.
“I… I know he’s your best friend, Hold. Your family. And I know you don’t owe me anything. But… you’d tell me, right? If he was going to leave me?” Fear spirals through my body and my breath catches, my heart pounding in my chest.
Holden’s eyebrows draw together. “First off, Beck. You’re wrong. I owe you quite a bit. And you’re my family too. But I can say with certainty that Roman is not going to leave you.”
I relax, only a little, though. I hate that I still have these random moments of insecurity.
I hate that I still get worried when he doesn’t text me back immediately.
He’s given me every reason to trust him, and our life is perfect and amazing, and I have no reason to think he feels any differently, but the fear is always so damn close to the surface.
Even therapy hasn’t helped it go away completely.
Holden continues. “He talked to me on the phone two days ago, gushing about how he couldn’t wait to marry you and how he had just gotten home from picking up your tuxes. There’s no way he’s leaving you, Beck. Come here.”
He holds his arms open to me and I step forward, letting him wrap me up. I cling to him, trying to fight back my emotion. “Okay,” I say. “You’re sure?”
“So sure. So, so sure,” he says, squeezing me tightly to him.
For a long while, I don’t move, and neither does he. When I finally pull back, he’s staring at me in concern. “Tell me what’s going on.”
So I do. I tell him about how Roman texted me and cancelled our dinner plans and didn’t come home until midnight, and how he left before I could even tell him goodbye. My voice cracks a little at the end of that part, and Holden holds me again for a while.
“Beck, I’m telling you. Roman is not going to leave you, okay?”
I nod. “Okay. Thank you for talking to me.”
“You’re welcome. I’m here for you always, you know this.
But the person you need to be talking to is Ro, yeah?
There’s no point in you spiraling. You have to let him know this is bothering you and that you need answers, okay?
Or better communication. You can’t expect him to know you’re having a problem if you don’t communicate that to him. ”
I take a harsh breath. “Okay, I will. You’re right.”
“Usually am,” he quips, shooting me a grin.
I laugh a little. “Yeah, yeah, I know. Thanks, Hold.”
“Any time. Are you guys still coming to dinner tonight?”
I shrug. “I’m not sure. I guess it’s going to depend on Roman.”
He nods. “Well, let me know when you figure something out, okay?”
By the time I get off work, I still haven’t heard from Roman—which would be fine if he was home, but he’s not, and I have to resist the urge to break into hysterics.
Deciding to take Holden’s advice, I pull my phone out and message him.
Me
Roman, the lack of communication is making me a little worried. How long do you think you’ll be?
Roman
I’ll be home within the hour. We need to talk.
I stare at his message, swallowing hard a couple of times.
We need to talk.
We need to talk?
Who the fuck wants to hear that? Not me. God.
I toss my phone to the side and stand, pacing back and forth in the living room, waiting for him to get home.
When the door finally opens fifty-eight minutes later, Roman looks… awful. Nervous and visibly trembling and almost like he saw a ghost. It does nothing to ease my worries at all.
“Hey,” he says, trying for a small smile, but it falls flat, and my heart falls with it.
“What’s wrong? Please just get it over with.
Are you leaving me?” My voice comes out completely wrecked, and a sob catches in my throat.
God, I won’t survive this again. I really won’t.
I barely did last time and I only had him for a couple of months.
If I lose him now, after three years? That’ll be the end of me.
Roman’s jaw hits the floor. “I’m sorry. I must have misheard you. Did you just ask me if I was leaving you? Like… leaving you? Breaking off our engagement? Leaving? ”
Well, yeah. I guess I was. I wave my hands around, trying to keep myself from crying. He’s across the room in a heartbeat, and I’m being pulled into his arms. “God, you fucking idiot. No, I’m not leaving you. But you might want to leave me by the time we’re done talking.”
Doubtful. I can’t think of a single thing that I would leave Roman over. I don’t say that, though. I just bury my nose against him and suck in his sugary scent like a fucking fiend. “Why’d you leave without saying goodbye?” I ask when I feel a little calmer.
He pulls back and looks at me. “Didn’t you get my note?”