Chapter 15 #2
For the first time today, I try to see myself through his eyes.
Not as a body that’s gaining weight and changing every day, but as the person that Dean looks at with such amazement.
My earlier frustration finally seems to simmer, and I soak in the joy at the fact that I’m growing a human who’s going to be half Dean.
I linger in his presence for a few seconds longer before taking a step back.
“Let’s get you back before you’re late for practice.”
He shrugs. “Being late because I got to spend time with you and our grape would be worth it.”
Despite his words, he takes my hand in his and starts walking again.
While we follow Cora’s lead back to his place, I can’t help but sneak glances at Dean.
He fills the silence, talking about anything that pops in his mind.
He rambles about the extra time he’s been spending with Evan, the Bobcats’ other goalie, to help him improve.
Midway through telling me about yesterday’s practice, he cuts off, remembering an article he saw that dropped this morning about his idol.
When I see how he lights up talking about Declan Travers, I don’t have the heart to tell him I’ve never heard of him before. It becomes clear that he was, or maybe is, a hockey player, but other than that, I let him ramble.
Dean is passionate about everything. I’ve always admired the way he lights up every room he walks into. He’s like sunshine after a storm, giving anyone in his presence a space to feel safe and wanted. When Dean is around, he sees everyone and ensures they feel welcome.
Knowing about his past, about the weight he has been carrying his entire life, about the fact that he’s been abandoned by everyone who was supposed to love him unconditionally, only makes Dean more amazing in my eyes.
It takes a strong person to continue having hope when they’ve been knocked down repeatedly. It takes an even more remarkable person to not let the pain and disappointment stain them.
He hides his pain from everyone, even from my own brother, to the best of my knowledge. The fact that he chose to let me in, chose to share some of his most painful memories with me, makes my stomach do all sorts of funny things that are completely unrelated to the baby.
“What’s that look for?” Dean asks, pulling me from my admiration.
Before I can answer him, I notice someone from the corner of my eye, closer than they should be. Just as I’m about to react and lift a foot to step away, they shove into my shoulder. Except, because one foot was already in the air, my already iffy balance is thrown off completely.
Dean’s arm shoots around my waist before I can even think to try to catch myself. He curses but somehow manages to keep me from falling on my ass without letting go of Cora.
“What the fuck, man?” he yells after the guy who bumped into me while I steady myself. Dean doesn’t let me go, and I don’t try to escape his hold.
Still leaning on Dean, I glance over my shoulder and a man in a baggy black hoodie and jeans stopped a few feet behind us. His scrawny shoulders are squared and everything about him looks like he’s shaking.
“You could at least apologize.” Dean seethes and I finally avert my gaze from the guy to look up at him. I pat his hand that’s still around my waist, trying to pull his attention back to me.
“I’m fine,” I assure him and don’t bother turning away when I see the guy start walking away in my peripheral vision.
“Fucking idiot,” Dean mumbles before focusing on helping me stand on my own two feet once more. “Are you okay? Did you hit the ground? What about the baby?”
His wide, panicked eyes drop to my stomach, and I take his hand back in me.
“I’m okay. So is the baby.” I squeeze his hand, trying to convey just how positive I am about that. “You caught me before I could even hit the ground. So I should probably be asking you if you’re okay.”
Cora’s nose bumps my thigh, and I absentmindedly reach for her head with my free hand. Dean tilts his head, and I assume he’s looking for the guy who bumped into me again.
Dropping his hand, I grab his bicep, reminding myself not to get lost in the muscles that flex beneath my palm. With his eyes back on me, I open my mouth to once again tell him that we’re both perfectly fine, when a familiar voice interrupts us.
“What are you doing here?”
I yank my hand away and back away on reflex. Just as I’m turning to face my brother, I don’t miss the hurt that flashes through Dean’s eyes. My stomach churns with guilt and it takes all my self-restraint not to reach out and comfort the man beside me.
Instead, I force a smile and answer Landon.
“I’m meeting up with Lilly before the game. But I couldn’t resist saying hi when I saw this cutie,” I lie, motioning to Cora.
I had been so caught up in Dean that I didn’t even realize how close we were to his building.
Landon nods, dropping to a squat to say hi to said dog. With my brother distracted, I sneak a glance at Dean, wanting to silently apologize, and find him already watching me. When our eyes meet, his smile is light and reassuring, which only makes my chest ache.
This man is way too good for me.
“Are you coming to the game?” Landon asks me and I nod.
“Yeah, Lilly and I will be in my favorite seats.”
Landon rolls his eyes, but the grin on his face gives him away. He loves when I’m right there, yelling and banging on the glass.
“Try not to throw your beer at anyone tonight,” he taunts.
“It was one time!” I snap back, which makes him laugh before he turns to Dean and offers to wait for him while he runs Cora back upstairs.
Dean spares me a quick glance, his brown eyes glimmering as they briefly drop to my stomach before he takes off with Cora and leaves me alone with Landon.
Standing in front of my brother now, the need to tell him everything sits heavily on my tongue. In all my life, I don’t think I’ve ever kept anything this huge from him.
Growing up, I saw plenty of my friends want nothing to do with their siblings. Something I never understood. Sure, there’s stuff we don’t talk about—you know, like our sex lives. Which is why my thing with Dean has remained a secret for the past two years.
But being pregnant with his niece or nephew, knowing his best friend is the father, is different.
I try reminding myself that I made this decision for a reason, but right now, all my reasons for wanting to keep both the pregnancy and my feelings for Dean a secret a little while longer sound weak.
Clearing my throat, I motion to their building. “I should head up to Lilly’s.”
“See you at the bar after the game?” he asks and I pause.
Tonight’s game isn’t necessarily late, but by the time they’re done, cleaned up, and ready to meet us out, it’s going to be well past ten o’clock. Which is way later than the baby likes to stay up, considering I’ll be dead on my feet by eight thirty.
But still, I shrug and give him a noncommittal and half-assed answer.
“Maybe. Depends on how you boys play out there.” And with that, I leave my brother before any more guilt for the secrets I’m keeping can eat me alive.