28. Drake
I ’ve given her time to work through the trauma that erupted on her last night. I know she’s never dealt with it, that was clear to see. And I had no idea she’d break the way she did over a simple sentence.
But that’s how grief plays it’s dirty little tricks right?
It sneaks up, tiptoeing, following you around, you don’t even know it’s there until one day it jumps onto your back when you least expect it. It takes you down and knocks you out with one punch.
I know. I’ve been there. It happened for me quickly because I didn't leave my town, my family. I was forced to face the emptiness, the void that suddenly disappeared from my life. There was only so much faking and hiding I could do. Until it hit me. Hard.
I remember being out with my college buddies. We were at a bar having a great time. One of the guys sisters was there with her friends and they were all joking around about nailing her. No one meant it but it was just something to do to get a rise out of the guy. And then one turned to me and said ‘hey Drake, what about you? Got a hot sister we can meet?’ It was said in jest, because that was the joke of the night but I lost it. Something snapped inside me. Cole saw it the moment it happened and dragged me from the bar. It was like I was in shock. I remember feeling like I couldn't walk, like the floor had given out. I was sweating. And it was in that moment it really hit me, that no, I don’t have a sister they can meet.
I was robbed of so many years with her. Graduations, proms, marriages … I’ll never have a brother in law because she’s not here. I’ll never be an uncle because she’s not here.
I think it took January years to come to terms with it, because she ran from the place she was in when her dad passed and then she ran from the place she was in when Lily’s father died. Coming back home only ensured it would happen, just never knowing when.
I left her home early and went to her moms house to get Lily. We had made arrangements that I would spend a few hours with Lily while January and Lief work out things at the store. I was going to take Lily and head to the library for a few because January was worried her mom would be tired after having her all night.
But when I arrived at the house at half past seven in the morning, Lily and Hope were waiting for me.
“Drake!” Lily throws open the door and lunges at me.
“Well good morning to you, too, Pretty Lily!” I laugh as I catch her and we walk inside.
“Lily! Leave him alone!” Mrs. Nilsson calls from the kitchen. I walk in with her hanging from my neck and she laughs. “That's some wake up call!”
I chuckle and hug Lily back. “It’s all good. I love starting my mornings like this!”
“Nana made pancakes! Do you want some?” She pulls me to the table and I sit.
“That would be great.” I say slowly while looking at Hope. She smiles and nods noting there are some left on the plate.
“Would you like coffee?”
“Yes, please.” My excitement for the coffee doesn't get by her.
She looks at me with a raised brow. “Rough night?”
I squirm in my seat knowing she probably thinks I was up all night fucking her daughter. I wish that was the case. “Kinda rough.” I swallow hard as she pours the coffee and slides it in front of me. “It was a long night of things that haven’t been talked about.” I try to stay even toned in front of Lily.
“Momma is at the shop right? Are we going there next?” Lily asks impatiently.
Mrs. Nilsson cuts in. “Momma and Uncle Lief have a meeting this morning, sweetheart. Maybe you and Drake can go to the library first?” She leads with a tone and I catch what she’s throwing down.
I nod. “Yes, We’ll grab some cookies, hang at the library then go to the store, how about that?”
That placates her and she runs off to her room, yelling about packing bags.
Mrs Nilsson sits in the seat opposite me and I’m a bit unnerved. “Tell me how she is.” I move my cup around the table, passing it from hand to hand not really knowing where to start. “It’s okay, honey,” she lays her hand on my mug, “I’m just making sure my daughter isn’t having a breakdown. You can talk to me.”
I meet her eyes and they're kind. I relax a bit. “She broke last night.” I shake my head and drop my eyes to the cup, watching the steam rise. “I said some weird phrase and she lost it. Honestly I was waiting for it to happen. She's strung so tight.”
“She never grieved, Drake. I know a little about your story, I know you lost a sister and for that I’m sorry. Like everyone, we all have a different timeline. Despite being just two years apart, her sisters and her handled her dad’s death so differently. Her and Lief handled it differently. And I had no idea what to tell them, how to show them how to get through, because I had my own grief to work through. I should have put us all in counseling but she left, then Lief followed and I was left with Blossom and Meadow just trying to survive.”
I nod knowing exactly how she feels and she continues. “I’m not going to offer you a way out because I see you’re already in deep with her. And I’m happy about it. I’m happy she’s got someone who understands the pain.” She pauses. “But Drake, if you haven't worked through it, the two of you together are a ticking time bomb.”
I look at her and see understanding in her eyes. There’s no sympathy or regret. Just plain understanding.
“My parents treated it like a business. I wasn't taught how to get through it either. And it wasn't until five years later, in college did I finally work through it.” I take a gulp of coffee. “I don't want you to think I’m substituting one for the other. I didn’t come here looking for someone to fill a void. I came here for a fresh start because after my breakdown, I knew I’d never live a normal life still in the same space.”
I breathe deep. “I'd like to think my sister brought me here, to a place that's kind and full of love. To a place with found families who treat others with respect instead of with dollar signs.”
“I think you found the right place, then.” She gives me a warm smile as Lily comes rushing back into the kitchen.
“Are we ready? I need a cookie!”
“Get your shoes on, we’re almost done here, honey,” Mrs Nilsson says as Lily scurries off once more. When she wanders out of sight, she says, “you’ll be an excellent male figure for her, Drake. I have high hopes for you and I'm very impressed with how you've come in and turned their life around for good.”
I lean forward. “Mrs. Nilsson, I love your daughter, and I love your granddaughter and I’m going to do everything to make them both know it for the rest of their lives.“ The ease with which I say this surprises even me. And that's how I know it's right, how I know it’s true.
Her eyes shine and her bottom lip trembles. “It’s all her dad and I could ever ask for.”
Lily and I went to the bakery and had our fill of cookies. Then we went to the library where we pulled out books on the first day of school.
“Do you think they’ll like me?” Lily asks.
I furrow my brows. “Who, sweetheart?”
“The other kids.” She won’t look at me, but continues to flip through the book in front of her.
“At your school? Of course they’ll like you! You’re amazing and smart and anyone would be lucky to have you as their friend.”
“I don't want new friends. I have Joey. And Aunt Blossom and Aunt Meadow. And you! I don't need anyone else.”
“You do have us, but you're going to want friends your age, right? I bet you’ll have the most friends in class, and you're all going to have a great time learning.”
She still won’t look at me and I suspect there's something more than just friends she’s worried about. “Tell me what you’re really worried about, Pretty Lily. You know, I tell your momma all the time that she can tell me anything. I’ll never laugh at her and only try to help. So why don’t you tell me what you're really thinking.”
She scribbles then finally puts down the crayon. “I don't want to be the only kid without a dad.”
I close my eyes and my heart sinks to my stomach. How on earth do I navigate this with her? I do my best to send up a quick prayer to my sister for the right words. “I can imagine that would make you feel bad.” I swallow hard not knowing if I’m going to say the right thing or not. “But you have so many aunts and you have crazy uncles and–”
“Would you be my dad?” She tilts her head and continues to color. “If someone asks, can I say you’re my dad?”
I roll my lips inward. “Lily, I don’t think lying is the best answer here–”
“They won’t know! You’re always with momma anyway.”
I take a deep breath. I don’t know if I’m going to have the right answer or not but I refuse to let her feel like she’s alone. Like she’s going to be an outcast at school. And at this moment, I’m taking charge. I’m going to take ownership of mine and January's relationship. I’m done playing house. I'm here for good and she’s going to get on board.
“You know what? You're right. I am always with your mom. I love her. And I love you, too. And if you want to tell people I’m your dad, I’ll wear that title proudly.”
She looks up at me with wide eyes.“Really? You love us?”
I smile at her picking up the L word instead of the dad word. Because that’s what it comes down to, love and not a title. “I do. But I have a secret.” She leans in so excited to hear gossip and it makes me laugh. “I haven’t told your momma yet so let’s keep this quiet. When I see her tonight, I’m going to tell her.”
She jumps in her seat. “You love her!” She yells in the quiet library and I laugh. She gets out of her chair and throws her little arms around me. “Thank you for loving momma. She’s been so sad and you make her happy.”
“You both make me happy.”
I brought Lily back to January’s house after the library. She text me to say she was hung up at the shop a bit longer than usual but Meadow was going to meet me at the house.
We walked in and Lily went running for her. I love how big she loves and she’s always so excited to be with everyone. Lily is the glue that's going to hold this family together. January gave a gift to them all and she doesn't even realize it.
“Hey stud, have you seen any good bathrooms lately?”
I roll my eyes at Meadow’s comment, knowing she’s only doing it to get a rise out of me. January has told me before that Meadow loves the reaction.
“About as many bathrooms as you've seen stockrooms.”
I give it right back to her and I laugh as she bites her lip and flips me the bird.
“Your friend needs to loosen up.”
“I agree.” I say.
“What are you going to do about it?” she asks.
I place the bag of cookies from the bakery on the counter as Lily goes running by us shouting about Prince Eric and I know the Little Mermaid is about to blast through the speakers in the house. “I’m not going to do anything. I got him here. It’s your job to show him something new.”
She eyes me. “Why do you like my sister?”
“She’s hot.”
She scoffs but wears a grin. “We’re all hot. So why did you choose her?”
I watch her, taking in how much she looks like Blossom and January. The Nilssons are a gorgeous bunch. But Meadow has a wild streak about her that was never something I looked for. But Cole? It’s something he needs so I’ll support this anyway I can. “She chose me.”
She breaks into a sly smile. “She did, didn't she?”
I nod. “But I would have chosen her too. And Lily.”
She begins moving around the kitchen, putting away dishes and wiping down the counter that has already been cleaned. I know this act. I’ve done it a thousand times. It's a keep busy and no one will know there's anything wrong act. “Cole can handle it, Meadow. Just don't disappear on him. Invite him in and he’ll stick.” I need to tell her. I need her to know Cole is a steadfast guy. But at the same time, I'm worried she’ll love him and leave him. And honestly, he could probably handle that too. But he's mentioned her two times too many which lets me know he’s thinking differently about her.
The door opens and January comes walking through. As fast as it happens, Meadow is grabbing her purse, kissing Lily goodbye and she’s out the door as fast as January walked through it.
“Hi.” I greet her and she gives me a simple hello back.
“Momma!” Lily comes flying around the corner and jumps into her arms. They stand there holding each other and my heart constricts in my chest.
These two girls are mine.
She walks closer holding Lily in her arms and I meet her halfway, pulling her close and kissing her temple. Lily throws her little arm around my neck and holds the three of us together for a moment before wiggling to get down.
“I’ll be right back!” She yells and goes running to her room.
“How was your day?” I ask.
“Eventful.”
I stand with my hand on my hip while she fidgets around me. When she tries to pass me, I grab her waist stilling her movements.
“Talk to me.”
She freezes mid step then relents to my question. She sags against the encounter and lets out a sigh. “The shop was busy. But Lief and I had it out.”
“Are you okay?” I step right up to her, wanting to strangle her brother without even knowing what the issue was. But I can imagine
“I’m fine. It was actually a talk that was long overdue.”
I don’t respond and I let her figure it out. She’s got lots in her head right now and I want her to play it out for herself. But when she's quiet, I surmise on my own about what their conversation could have been. And then I let her know about Lily and mine's conversation today.
“Lily is concerned about going to school because she doesn't have a dad.”
“What?” She snaps out.
I nod. “She told me at the library today she's worried about the other kids having dads.” I take a breath. “And she asked if I would be her dad.”
She looks at me and the sadness in her eyes for her daughter is more than I can take. After the breakdown she had last night and now hitting her with this, I know it’s a lot.
“The best thing you did was have Lily.” I reassure her.
She shakes her head. “I don't see that, Drake. I see the events that led to it, the events that leave her without a father.”
I soften my tone. “I’m going to say something. From what you’ve told me about her father, it may be for the best. And the last thing I want to do is talk badly about the dead, but January, look at this beautiful girl you have. A best friend for life.”
“I know. But the last thing I want her to do is suffer what I went through.”
“It's different though. You knew your dad, you had time to love and form that relationship which made it that much harder to lose him. She never knew him. She knows you . Your sisters, your brother and your friends' husbands. She doesn't know what it is to miss a dad because she hasn’t had one.”
“I want her to have one.” She whispers quietly. “It’s not fair I robbed her of that.”
My heart clenches at her admission but I still won’t push. I won't take over unless she asks, and even then, I'll step in to help, not overpower. “You didn't rob her. Life happens, January. We can’t stop it.”
She looks completely lost. She’s exhausted, I see it on her face. She’s dealing with a ton of emotions she never had to before. “I’m here, January. Say the word. Say the word and I’m going all in. Please, just try.”
“I can’t.”
I close my eyes. “Why?”
“Because what if I fail?”
I shake my head. “I won’t let us fail.” I step into her space, cupping her face and making her see me. “I love you, January Nilsson. I’m not going anywhere. I’m not leaving you or Lily and if she tells someone I’m her dad, I’m going to fucking own that title “ Her eyes are wide as they search mine. “I’m promising you right now, I’m not leaving. So you better get used to having someone fight for you. When you can’t do it, I can. When your daughter, our girl, needs someone other than her momma, I’m going to be that someone. Biology be damned, she’s mine.”
Her eyes well with tears and I kiss them as they slide down her cheeks. “No tears. You’ve cried enough for two lifetimes and I’m here to make sure that stops. Today.”
She's silent for the longest time and just when I think she's going to tell me to go to hell, she says, “I love you, too.”
My heart does a double take and I’m stunned. “Well, alright then. I'm glad we’re on the same page.”
She laughs and folds into me and I catch her. “I’ve been waiting so long to hear those four little words.”
“They didn’t come easy.”
“You're telling me.” I laugh as she wraps her arms around me.
“Momma! Whoa!” Lily slides into the kitchen and freezes. “Did you tell her?” She’s bouncing on her toes, from foot to foot, watching our interaction.
“Tell me what, baby?”
“That he loves you!” She jumps in her spot, excited over this latest development before latching onto my leg.
January laughs. “He did tell me.”
“And did you tell him?” She prods.
“I did.”
I bend down and pick her up, holding the three of us at this moment. “You two are the best things to happen to me in a very long time.”
“I wish we met you sooner.” January whispers.
“I don’t. We met right on time, baby. Right when we needed each other the most.”
…And then one day, there was a new life, a new love and the hurt didn’t hurt like it did….
THE END