Chapter 43
FORTY-THREE
Z
I placed my hand over Ryland’s still one.
It was cold to the touch.
When we arrived back at the camp, we discovered that an entire day had passed—enough time for the battle to have ended and Aaliyah’s remaining forces to retreat.
We’d lost over one hundred soldiers.
Aaliyah had lost twice as many.
Now all that was left to do was bury our dead.
Ryland, we discovered, had not completely healed from his stab wounds, though the gaping hole in my hand had disappeared. We’d deduced that any injuries that occurred in Lilith’s realm healed, while those that happened outside it did not.
His wound, however, was less severe than it had been before. Almost as if…
I dismissed the thought.
There was no way Lilith healed Ryland enough to survive, was there?
“He’s going to be just fine, Z.” Jolene squeezed my shoulder reassuringly. “Your shadow is a fighter.”
I offered her a frail smile.
Though Jolene had survived the battle, she didn’t escape it unscathed. The human she’d tossed aside survived but sustained severe injuries. It would be a miracle if he could ever walk again. I could see the toll that knowledge had on the gentle healer. Prominent shadows marred the skin beneath both of her eyes.
“Is Davia still on her way?” I asked.
As soon as the battle ended, Dair got in touch with Davia and explained the situation. She, along with Paco and B, was arriving with reinforcements. It was apparent that the war had begun in earnest. Our fighters could no longer sit on the sidelines or hide away in camps. They needed to fight if we had any hope of winning.
The bitter taste of guilt refused to leave my mouth. I knew, logically, that everything wasn’t my fault. This war had been brewing for centuries now, since the nightmares had first suppressed humans. However, I couldn’t help but think that Aaliyah was my fault. She was after me. Only me.
Maybe I should just hand myself over…
My fingers flexed around Ryland’s hand instinctively.
No. I couldn’t do that. That would mean giving up, something I swore I would never do. As long as I had breath in my lungs, I would keep fighting. Even still, my anxiety spiked, and I felt cold all over.
Ryland was recovering from a nearly fatal stab wound.
Lupe, Killian, and Bash were doing who the hell knew what.
Axel and Atta were attempting to regain control of the capital and deal with my angelic birth father…who still had yet to make his move.
And my other mates? They were trying to survive, the only way they knew how.
Trying to ignore the burn crawling up my throat and crowding my eyes, I gave Ryland’s hand one last squeeze before rising. We’d decided to keep him in our tent. The one we designated as the sick bay was overrun with wounded soldiers, both nightmare and human alike. We might have only lost one hundred, but hundreds more were wounded. I was just grateful that we managed to get the children to safety before the battle commenced.
The first of many, I imagined.
“Z?” Stefan, the human in charge of this particular camp, stepped inside, his eyes darting to Ryland’s still form. Concern etched lines into his forehead. “How is he doing?”
“Better.” I stepped away from Ryland to meet Stefan in the entryway. “What do you have to report?”
Immediately, he cleared his throat and adopted an impassive mask. There were a lot of things I could say about Stefan, but he really was an impressive soldier.
“One hundred and twelve casualties. Two hundred and thirty-six injuries—most of them civilian. Of the two hundred and thirty-six, only forty-seven of them require extensive care or surgery. We called for healers from nearby camps to come help.”
I nodded as I processed this information.
God, so many innocent people…
Not every person who arrived here was a fighter. Some were humans looking to escape their home or be a part of the movement in other ways—whether that would be teaching, healing, or crafting supplies and weapons. This was supposed to be a safe haven for them.
A wave of anger threatened to bowl me over.
Stefan continued to speak, but I barely heard a word he was saying.
For the last few months, we were on the defense. Maybe that had to change. Maybe we finally needed to take the fight to Aaliyah and win this battle once and for all.
But could we do it when not all of my mates had undergone their trials?
“Z?” Stefan tentatively placed his hand on my shoulder. “Are you okay?”
“Let. Her. Go.”
I didn’t recognize the low, menacing voice at first.
Glancing over Stefan’s shoulder, I spotted Dair wheeling himself into the tent, his lips distorted into a scowl that looked strange on his normally serene face. His eyes fixed on where Stefan gripped my shoulder.
“Don’t make me repeat myself,” Dair warned.
“Dair!” I snapped.
All of my mates were prone to fits of jealousy, but this? This was something else altogether.
Stefan quickly lowered his hand, his cheeks and the tips of his ears turning a vibrant shade of pink.
“I’m going to get in contact with Davia,” Stefan said quickly.
I didn’t take my attention off of Dair.
He gripped the arms of his chair so tightly, I could see each individual vein in his hands. Tension carved deep lines into his forehead.
Stefan hurried out of the tent without a backwards glance.
“What the hell was that about?” I demanded as soon as he was gone.
Dair’s jaw clenched. “He was touching you.”
“So?” I arched an eyebrow. “He was touching my shoulder, not my boob.”
“He’s in love with you.” Dair seemed to be speaking through gritted teeth.
“Once again…so? I’m in love with you .” And six other men, but this wasn’t about them.
Dair snorted and shoved a hand through his hair, ruffling the golden strands. “Yeah. Half a man.”
Bitterness filled his tone.
I blinked at him. “Wait…what? I thought we talked about this?—”
“Talked about what?” Dair threw his hands up into the air. “That I couldn’t help during the battle because I’m confined to this damn chair? That I had to hide away with the goddamn children because I’m weak? That Stefan could fight on the front lines, beside you, while I was stuck wondering if you were hurt?”
A tremor ran through him, and the muscles of his biceps rippled.
Instinctively, I focused on the mate bond between us, but instead of a vibrant, silver cord, I felt something murky and dark. My stomach flipped over itself as understanding dawned.
“Dair, this isn’t you. This is the lingering effect of Aaliyah’s influence. It should wear off in a few days?—”
“Don’t tell me what is and isn’t me!” Dair roared, and I actually staggered back a step in shock.
Never, in all the time I had known him, had Dair spoken to me like that.
His shoulders rose and fell, his breathing ragged. Tension saturated the air between us, as precarious as tinder ready to burn.
My ribs squeezed my heart like a vise. “Dair…”
He closed his eyes. “Shit. I’m sorry. I don’t know…” A muscle worked in his throat. “I’m so fucking sorry, Z. I would never talk to you like that.”
I took a single step forward. “I know.” Another step. “Remember the promise I made you a while ago? That I would tell you one thing a day that I love about you?”
He reopened his eyes and pierced me with an inscrutable look. “I remember.”
“I missed a lot of days.” Another step.
He swallowed. “As have I.”
“I love the way you care for me and the others. You always put us first, even when we don’t deserve it.” I stood directly in front of him now, the tips of my shoes touching his chair.
“Z…I don’t deserve this. Not after the way I snapped at you.” Despair hollowed his voice.
“I love the way you laugh,” I continued, ignoring him. “Your entire face lights up, and it makes me want to join in.” I paused, considering, before saying, “I didn’t laugh a lot before meeting you and the others.”
“You don’t laugh a lot now,” he pointed out.
“I’ve laughed more during this war than all the years I was on my own,” I confessed, knowing it was the truth. I lowered myself to my knees before him and ran the tips of my fingers over his cheeks. I wanted to memorize his beautiful features through touch alone. “I love how strong you are, even when you don't recognize it.”
He cocked his head to the side with rigid tension. “I wasn’t strong when I hid away.”
“Yes, you were,” I insisted. “Someone needed to protect the children.” He scoffed and attempted to look away from me, but I grabbed his cheeks, holding firm. “You are strong. So incredibly strong. I don’t know what I can say to make you believe it.”
“I thought I could help,” Dair whispered. “I thought I could pull the blood out of the ghouls’ bodies, the way I did before.”
“And?”
When he laughed, the noise was dry and humorless, reminiscent of rocks sliding down a ravine. “Apparently, ghouls don’t have blood in their bodies.”
“Dair, listen to me?—”
“I was useless. I can’t walk like the rest of your mates can. God, I wish I could.” Something dark entered his voice then. Something I’d never heard before. “I would give anything to be like the others.”
“You don’t need to?—”
Something bright flashed—light exploding outwards, twinkling like a million stars blotting out our surroundings. I squeezed my eyelids shut instinctively and reached for Dair…but he was gone.
And when I reopened my eyes, I was alone in the tent.