Chapter 14
YOU’RE NOT MY DREAM GUY
LEELA
My party made beds around the fire using sleeping packs provided by Priti. Dhoona took first watch, sitting close to the entrance of the cave, huddled deep into the winter coat he’d taken from the supplies at the devouring force camp.
Kalani and Yudh slept, now satisfied that Pashim was who he claimed to be, and Death watched over us all, in the form of my friend Priti.
That was going to take some getting used to.
I was too wired to sleep, sitting as close to Pashim as I could get without being in his lap. Maybe there was a part of me that was afraid he’d vanish if I closed my eyes.
Pashim poked at the fire, feeding it more kindling to keep it alive.
I looked across at Priti, silent and solemn, her face painted in flickering orange hues from the flames. “Will you stay with us?”
“I wish that I could,” she said. “But I’m called elsewhere.
I couldn’t intervene here even if I wanted to.
There are limits to the help I can offer.
Transporting you out of the frozen lands is something I can do once my energy has replenished.
Other than that…” She left the thought unfinished, her gaze dropping back to the flames.
Pulling Pashim from the in-between place, back into the mortal world and giving him a flesh and blood body had drained her. My friend was a god but still bound by divine laws of nature, which meant she was stuck here with us for a little while at least.
“I’ll get you as close to the nearest land troop as I can,” she said.
A troop we hoped to recruit and a portway that we could maybe try to activate.
We’d lost the nagrata to the primordial evil, and they might even now be scouting the skies for us.
So being teleported away from this region would give us a head start in eluding them.
But there was still the concern of whether the troops we found would be compromised.
And even if they weren’t, could they be taken over later?
“How can we trust any troops we find? We have no idea if the primordial evil has the power to claim them.”
“You’re right,” she said. “From what you told me about your escape from the royal domain, this evil has power over the Asura and beings with Asura blood. I believe the drohi are only in its grip due to their bonds to the Asura.”
“So the Danava will be free? The pari? The rakshasa in the Jangal domain?”
“Maybe,” she said. “Or maybe their allegiance to the Asura, their proximity to the evil will make them susceptible to its control.” She chewed on her cheeks. “Maybe he won’t be able to affect the troops on land. Maybe it will be too energy consuming. That is all I can tell you.”
“But you know more. You know what this thing is.”
“Yes. I know, but I cannot tell you. This is your journey, Leela. It is forbidden for me to intervene, and sharing this information with you would constitute intervention.”
“But you were able to bring me back,” Pashim said. “Not an intervention?”
“No. You were not meant to die as you did. Bringing you back was a correction. It happens sometimes.” She shrugged.
I allowed the information to settle, turning over her words. “We can’t trust any Asura or demigods, can we?” I glanced at Yudh’s sleeping form.
“No, you cannot fully trust. You can watch. You can be alert, but you cannot fully let your guard down.” She sighed. “I’m sorry, Leela.”
“So C’ael and Pashim are the only ones I know I’m safe with?”
Something flickered across her face, but she masked it too quickly for me to read. “Yes,” she said. “You’re safe with them.”
“Even though the primordial evil had C’ael in his control before?”
She tipped her head to the side. “Did he have him in his control?”
Oh…Wait a second. No. C’ael had never been a crimson-eyed zombie. He’d believed the primordial evil to be Iblees. Trusted him. His true memories had been blocked. “No. He wasn’t ever in the primordial evil’s control.”
She smiled. “So you can trust him.”
“But if I can’t rely on the troops that I gather, then what army will I have?”
Priti’s gaze flicked to Pashim, then back to me. “I have faith in you both. Now you must have faith in yourselves and each other.”
She stood slowly. “Rest now. I’ll keep watch till dawn. Death does not sleep.” She smiled wryly and slipped away.
My heart tugged, and I was on my feet before I could question it.
“Leela?” Pashim frowned up at me.
“I’ll be right back.” I followed Priti, catching up to her before she reached the entrance to the cave. “Hey…Are you okay? Truly?”
She smiled softly. “It’s so like you to check.
To care. I’m fine. I feel…whole in a way I didn’t when I was alive no matter who I surrounded myself with.
There was always this sense of…separation.
Even with those I loved the most.” She reached up and lightly touched my cheek.
“You’re wondering why I haven’t asked about the others. About Dharma and Keyton and Joe?”
I shrugged a shoulder. “The thought had crossed my mind.”
“Because there is no purpose in my knowing. They are no longer a part of my spiral, but you are…for now.”
“I don’t know what that means.”
“You don’t need to. Now get some rest.” She made to turn away, then stopped. “When you do see them…tell them I’m all right. That I’m on the path meant for me and that they should walk the road paved for them.”
“Even Keyton? You loved him.”
“Yes, I did. I loved him with all my heart. But that mortal version of me who loved with all her heart is gone.” She sighed again.
“I’ll see him when it’s his time. I’ll make sure I’m there to greet him.
Now get some rest. You’re going to need it.
” Her eyes went misty and faraway. “When the time comes, you will stand against him alone.”
A shiver skated up my spine. “What?”
She shook her head. “Go rest. I need to be alone for a while.”
She was Priti, but she was more. She was Death, and that…that had to change a soul.
I went back to the fire.
Pashim looked up at me. “Come, let me make you comfortable. I’ll watch over you while you sleep.”
Watch over me? No, I wanted him, needed him closer. “Will you lie with me?”
It was selfish of me to ask. I knew how he felt about me, but life was too short for regrets, and I’d regret if I didn’t take this opportunity to be close to him. Yeah, it was selfish, and I didn’t care, because who knew what tomorrow might bring. All we had was now.
He stared at me, his mouth parted slightly.
Fuck, maybe it was too much of an ask. “It’s okay, I’ll just—”
“Yes,” he said softly, cutting off my retraction. “Nothing would make me happier than to lie with you tonight and any other night that may be gifted to us.”
The knots in my chest eased, and I settled on the bedroll. He lay behind me, his chest to my back, warming my body with his, but I wanted to see his face. To feel his breath on my cheek.
I turned in his arms, palms pressed to his chest, chin tipped up to take him in. “I missed you…”
He let out a soft huff. “I missed you too, Leela. So very much.”
Words I couldn’t say. Words I shouldn’t say tangled on my tongue, and the bitter truth of it, the thing I’d been trying to escape for the longest time, rose to the surface.
“Pashim, I—”
“I know,” he said softly. “I’ve always known, and I understand.”
I searched his face, my vision blurring. “It’s pretty fucked up, isn’t it?”
“No, Leela. It’s a testament to the vastness of your heart.
To the expansive love that resides there, and I am honored to have felt the edge of its heat.
” He kissed my forehead. “I do not regret it, and I will carry it with me always. This ember you lit will be the measure of each flame that comes forward in the future.”
And I wanted that for him. Wanted him to find the one who could love him wholly without guilt or confusion. I loved him enough to let him go.
There was no need to say anything else. I tucked my head beneath his chin and settled down, eyes fluttering closed.
Whatever tomorrow might bring, we had this moment. We had now, and I would cherish it.
The world was gray, but a single square of golden light hovered in front of me.
I drifted toward it, drawn by an inexorable force—warm and inviting.
The light spread around me the closer I got, dispelling the gray, and a window formed, looking into an old-style tavern.
People sat drinking and eating at wooden benches.
But their faces were blurred, indistinct.
The more I tried to decipher them, the blurrier they got, but a white gold beam of light illuminated a woman behind the bar at the far end of the room.
She wiped at the counter, a soft smile on her face as she looked out at the patrons.
My scalp prickled the more I stared at her.
Those large brown eyes. That smile…I’d seen that smile before. So many times.
Nani? “Nani!”
She frowned and turned her head to look at me, but I was pulled into darkness before our gazes could catch.
I was dreaming.
I could go back.
I wanted to get back to her.
The darkness melted, leaving me standing on cracked flagstones surrounded by crumbling pillars that held up nothing. The murky world beyond shifted and distorted as if the terrain was undecided.
Araz stepped out from between two pillars. “You escaped my winged beasts.”
Not Araz.
Evil wearing his skin.
Yeah, I needed to remind myself of that. To temper the flutter in my belly and the eagerness of my pulse. This was not my man.
I lifted my chin and asked the question that had been bugging me ever since we were attacked. “You have the throne, so why are you still after me?”
His eyes flinched. “I don’t like unfinished business.”
That didn’t ring true. “You left me alive at camp.”