Chapter 15
When we return on Sunday evening, heaviness settles in my chest; I have trouble breathing. Stolen moments. That’s all I get with him. I am in so deep with him, risking it all.
I offer him a small smile, hoping he doesn’t see through me, but he does.
His eyebrows furrow, and it’s both unsettling and wonderful for someone to know you without words. I give his hand a quick squeeze to assure him, even though inside I am just a pile of worry.
This weekend was a mirage, an escape from my real life and duties.
How long will I keep pretending I can have him in my life until reality crashes my dream? The dream will vanish, and I’ll wake up to my nightmare of life. Just the thought of something happening to him butchers every serene and happy moment.
The drive is silent, listening to music. I turn the volume up to tune out the voice of reason. I don’t want to lose him. I don’t want to lose myself in my life before him. To be dragged back to a time and place I have been miserable would be too cruel. I’ve discovered the wonders of being in love, of living with a full heart, and I don’t want to return to a bleak existence.
When he parks the car, I tilt my head to him.
“This weekend was…” Incredible, fantastic, a place I would have lived all my life with him next to me.
He pulls me to him and kisses the top of my head.
“Thank you.”
Simple words, but with an ocean of deep meaning.
As I step inside the apartment, Kaden’s expression pulls taut. “Where is your damn phone?”
My hands tremble as I pluck it out of my bag. The screen is black. My battery must have died. Before Dane and I left, I sent all three of my friends a message saying I would be away with Dane over the weekend and ignored my phone. “What happened?” I ask.
“My father came here unexpectedly. He just left.”
The air whooshes out of my lungs, and my knees weaken. “Does he know I wasn’t here?”
Kaden nods, rubbing his temples while I drop in the chair.
He brings me a glass of water, and I gulp it down. “What did you say?”
“That you were in a study group.”
I flinch. The lies are piling up, closing in on me.
“We’re going to dinner with our parents.”
“My parents will be there too?”
“Yes.”
I fold my hands in my lap, and he places his hand on my shoulder.
“He knows something is off… it was in the way he looked at me. I just know, Abi.”
Pure anguish reflects in his eyes, and my head drops.
“Breaking his heart will be better than anything else,” Kaden says softly.
My lower lip wobbles. “But he… he makes me happy… I’m happy with him. I love him.”
“I know you do but—”
Anger ignites in me, a solar explosion burning everything to a crisp. “I want him in my life.”
“Don’t you think I want Celine back with every beat of my heart? I’m counting the damn days. I write the woman a love letter every day, hoping one day she can love me back again. I know loss, Abi.”
“I don’t want him to go and make a life without me… he’s my person.”
“Then time will be irrelevant.”
“If you say that crap, that ‘if we’re meant to be together, we will be,’ I might lose it. Would you accept that? Have you thought maybe Celine moved on? Has a boyfriend?”
Kaden stiffens, and I hate our fickle, fucked up human condition. Look at me, dragging him into my pain. Just to have someone I can share my agony with?
“I’m sorry.”
“Pull yourself together until dinner is over,” he says, walking away while I trudge to my bedroom.
Losing Dane and what we could have had already cemented its foundation on my chest.
Bailey peeks her head into my bedroom while I shut my sketchbook and put it on my nightstand.
“I heard you and Kaden arguing.”
She walks inside, sitting on the edge of my bed. “I want nothing more than to support you and be happy for you. But what you’re doing just to be with him is plain stupid.”
“I know. I can’t stop it either. Don’t fall in love, okay?”
“I don’t see that happening.”
I used to think the same.
Having enough of this sadness, I grip a pillow and throw it at her face. She falls on her back, then calls for Blake, shouting that she needs reinforcements. Not even a few seconds later, Blake runs inside and says, looking at me, “Playing dirty? Let’s see how you like two against one.”
“Nooo.” I screech in mock indignation.
Kaden bolts inside next, panting. “What’s wrong?”
I throw him a pillow and say, “You’re on my side. Let’s destroy these two traitors.”
By the time we call for a break, my room resembles a feather exhibition. We lie on our backs on top of them.
“Thank you, guys,” I say.
“We’re family. We always stick together,” Bailey says.
“I want Celine back,” Kaden whispers, scooting into a sitting position. All three of us hug him.
“I can’t promise you when, but one day you’ll have your girl back, and we’ll have our missing member back,” I say.
“I still don’t like that volatile asshole,” Kaden mumbles about Dane.
I chuckle, and Blake says, “I’m pretty sure that volatile asshole would burn the world down for her.”
“So you fell in love with a madman,” Kaden grumbles.
“Not sorry.”
“Bailey, any thoughts on just remaining the baby in the family?” Kaden asks her.
“I could just create a virtual boyfriend. Problem solved.”
We burst into laughter, and Blake says, “I don’t think I have it in me to fall in love, anyway.”
I exchange glances with Kaden. Whether or not they want it, one day, both of them will fall in love, hopefully with someone who feels as strongly as them and deserves them.
They leave one after the other, and I take a shower.
I am drying my hair with a towel when my phone rings. Butterflies clasp their feathery wings against my ribcage at seeing his name on my screen.
“Hey, princess. What are you doing?”
“Just got out of the shower.”
His throat rumbles with a series of sexy, hoarse sounds.
“I have to imagine that because you didn’t invite me there with you.”
“You’ve seen enough of me this weekend.”
“Not enough.”
My heart has turned into a sponge, sucking up every word and filling it to the brim.
“So, when do you think I can just come over?”
While he wants things to get serious, I realize timing is everything. In matters of the heart, we’re on the same level, but on everything else, not so much.
“I don’t know.”
He sighs, and it breaks my heart.
I love him. I want him, but the bubble I am in is so fragile, a gust of wind could break it.
“I have to go. I have dinner with my parents and Kaden’s.”
“Planning the wedding?”
“Possibly.”
The silence on the other end has me opening my mouth to retract that, to maintain our dreamlike existence.
“This is not our time, Dane.”
“This is it, then? Was I even, for one fucking second, the person you’d choose?”
“I can’t not choose him.”
He hangs up, and I drop to my knees, sobbing. Despair clangs in my heart, the beats turning weaker—I am dying inside.
I don’t know how long I stay there, curled into a fetal position with my cheek on the floor. Misery wraps its tentacles around my neck, suffocating me. But I can’t even afford to hurt in peace. Expectations and obligations await me.
I change into a pale pink A-line, knee-length dress and apply a bit of makeup. I stare at my reflection, bloodshot eyes from crying, but keeping a fake smile on. Just thinking of Dane, it cracks.
“Ready?” Kaden asks from behind the door.
“As I’ll ever be.”
My nerves are a breathing dragon, searing my insides as we drive to the Family compound. My unease crackles like static in the car. Squirming in my seat and fidgeting with my hands in my lap, I try to channel the Abigail expected of me—well-behaved, obedient, and dutiful.
When Kaden parks, he says, “We’re going to be okay.”
I offer a small nod, and we walk side by side toward the two-story, English colonial-style home.
Even our houses look similar to fit the homogenous image we present to the world. Inside, my parents give me a cursory hug, eyeing me with sheer disappointment. It should feel less like a blow by now, but even after years, it still hurts.
Kaden’s mother, Christine, smiles at me, offering her silent support. She appears to be the most genuine person among the seniors. She has a glass of wine in her hand. I want one too—desperately– to calm my erratic nerves.
Felix crushes me with his hard expression, jaw set in a tight line and eyes scorching. I take it as the warning it is.
Kaden and I walk toward the dining room in stiff silence. Taking our seats, Felix asks me, “How was the study group?”
“It was great.”
“I don’t know why she bothers.”
Thank you, Mother. I truly don’t know how to handle all the support. In the Family, the females never had to pursue a career. But I want something more.
Kaden squeezes my knee while his mother smiles brokenly from behind her glass. Look at her. A famous pianist until Felix put his claws in her. Her career didn’t matter anymore, so she had to quit. The alliance of two rich families was more important than her aspiration. Now, she’s a shadow of herself.
“I hear you’ve made a friend,” Felix continues.
I could play stupid or try to diffuse the situation.
“Dane. I wouldn’t call him a friend.”
I force calming breaths in and out while his cold eyes are fixed on my neck, as if my sin is written there in neon letters.
“Felix, dear,” Christine tries.
He shoots her an angry stare, being a horrible husband and an awful father, then he jerks his chin toward my parents.
“And you two, I thought you raised a lady, not a whore.”
I blink. Surely, he didn’t say that. “Excuse me?”
“Don’t talk to her like that,” Kaden says so low, the temperature in the room drops.
Felix purses his lips like he didn’t just insult me.
“Did you put the hickey there?” he asks.
“Felix, they’re young,” my father says, and Felix waves him off.
“What we do or not do in our private life is not something we’re going to discuss with you,” Kaden says.
Felix eyes me intently. Chills erupt on my skin. I’m sure he knows about Dane and me.
“To be young again.” Felix lifts his glass in a toast, and I force two bites down. One more and I’d throw up all over the hardwood floor.
The rest of the evening moves to forced small talk. Every minute passes so excruciatingly slow that I sigh a breath of relief when we’re excused.
Felix whispers in my ear at the front door, “I’m expecting you tomorrow at my office. I’m counting on your discretion.”
Fear paralyzes me, and dejection suffocates me, but anger wins. I’m so angry at myself for allowing it to get this far. At the world and the universe for the biggest injustice.
Why would you bring him into my life, to dangle the impossible in my face?
I hate Felix. Hate, hate.
In the passenger seat, I look out the window. I could count the hours until my verdict, make a plan, and run away. So many possibilities. None of them feasible. And telling Kaden would only cause more friction. This is on me.
When Kaden parks the car, I walk out on unsteady feet. I have one destination in mind: to feel Dane one last time. I pray to whatever deity will listen that our bond, our love, will be strong enough for us to reunite one day.
I message him that I am coming over. With every step I take, my heart gets heavier like a ball of lead rolling down my chest and setting low in my ribcage.
His door is slightly ajar, and when I walk inside, tears instantly fall, wetness coating my cheeks. Wiping at them with the back of my hands, I follow the reddish light glowing in the dark.
Outside, smoke tickles my nose. He’s on the small balcony, playing with the lighter.
He drags in a lungful of smoke, his head cocking to me, his eyes fixed on me.
Yes, look and see that this version is not me. You know the real me, but she has no power. She is petrified and alone amongst monsters.
“Should I say congratulations?” His tone is cold enough to cause an arctic winter in the middle of summer. The night turns chillier, or maybe it’s just me freezing on the inside.
I wrap my arms around myself and rock on my toes. He pushes himself off the railing and goes inside, returning with a leather jacket. He drapes it over my shoulders, wrapping me in his scent and warmth. But it’s not enough so I hug him and bury my face in his chest, needing to embed myself in him until we’re one and no one can separate us.
“I don’t need pity nor consolation. He won. You chose him.”
“Please, Dane.”
“One last fuck before you go to him for good?”
I am raw, naked in front of him while he’s blinded by his own pain and anger. Gathering me in his arms, he carries me toward the bed.
In front of it, he places me down. In one swift move, he rips the dress from me and pushes me back down onto the mattress. He comes down on me, his fiery eyes boring into mine.
“Tell me to fuck you. Use you like my fuck toy. Fuck you like you’re my plaything and nothing more.”
At this moment, he’s not the lost boy who called to me. Right now, he’s someone who wants to punish me. He’s suffering, and it’s because of me.
He stays above me on his palms, while I hope that love is stronger than pain.
I cup his face, brushing my fingers along his sculpted cheekbones. “I want you to make love to me, but if you can look me in the eye and just fuck me…”
“Do you deserve that?”
“I do.” Because I love you with everything in me.
“Whatever it is, just tell me. Tell me, please. Don’t do this to me, to us. I see your feelings for me, and then you go to him. I don’t fucking understand.”
He buries his head in my neck, and I hold him knowing this is the last time.
“I love you. Promise me, you’re going to get back on the track and make everyone see only your fender. Promise me you will live and those thoughts you have…” I swallow and continue, “Accept them as what they are, thoughts, not actions, nor destiny. You’re in control.”
“You must really be cold and heartless.”
Those words slice through me.
“Do you really think that?”
“I do.”
“Okay, then fuck me—like I’m your plaything and nothing else.”
Why am I dreaming of making love when this is what I deserve, a quick fuck, someone to be forgotten?
As if I would have sacrificed everything I have for a fling. I’m just not lovable enough. I’m not enough. Will never be.
He’s already doubting my love. I got my answer. We were never meant to be the endgame.
He pushes himself off me and says, “Need a condom. You might like to fuck two guys with no protection at once, but I don’t want surprises.”
I gather my dress, tears pooling in my eyes. I can’t have this be our last time together. Coming here was a mistake—a huge one. So, I run. Far enough to preserve what we had. Far enough to end this.
He calls my name, but I don’t stop running.
A hysterical laugh bubbles out of me when I drop in front of the abandoned old mansion.
In shambles just like me.
My head spins, exhaustion crashing over me.
Strong arms lift me. My body shivers so badly, I can’t open my eyes.
In my dream, he carries me and never lets me go.
I should wake up. I need to leave, but a fire crackles near, and his arms are around me—my place.
“Kaden is on the way. What I said… I’m sorry.”