Chapter 3
ELLIE (PRESENT)
Itry to ignore Nate’s slow inspection of my body, but it’s hard to remain indifferent when his eyes flare as they hover over my curves.
I’m not even sure he realizes he’s looking at me like this, as though he wants to replace his eyes with his hands.
I notice, though. I notice everything about him, despite trying not to notice him at all.
As much as I know this shouldn’t be happening, I can’t help but appreciate the effect I have on him.
Before I can think better of it, I stretch my body, allowing my bikini top to rise up and over the underside of my breasts.
If he wants to look, I’m going to give him something to look at.
Eat your heart out.
His eyes darken, but his penetrating gaze doesn’t make me uncomfortable.
I’ve never felt unsafe with him. The opposite, actually.
He was the first person to make me feel protected.
He was always so good to me…until he wasn’t.
My mind shields me from most of the details of that day…
and the days—or years—that followed. I remember enough to know I’ve never experienced grief like that before.
I remember enough to know what happened was complete bullshit, though I didn’t recognize that at the time.
Now, I can’t help but see it for what it was.
A fabricated attempt to keep me away. Nate would never really inflict that kind of torture on me.
I still believe deep down that he is a good man.
Despite the fact that he’s looking at me in a way we both know he shouldn’t, not when he is supposed to love my sister.
This thing between us never really went away, though.
There wasn’t any closure, no hostile quarrel allowing me to get in that one last dig.
It was just…over, leaving behind a festering wound that oozed bacteria into my bloodstream, infecting my heart.
There is no treatment that can heal it, no antibiotic strong enough to cure it.
Not when this sickness has gone on for as long as it has. It’s too late. Too fatal.
Despite his past actions and the anger I feel, the draw I feel is undeniable. I don’t think he can help it any more than I can, but I don’t know what to do with that. What does that mean for him and my sister…or the future of their relationship.
What I do know is that is a line I’ll never cross. Not even if we were the last two people alive. I would never hurt my sister like that, and I refuse to give him the chance to hurt me again.
I’m proud of the conviction in my thoughts, because when I look at the man who stole my heart, I’m not entirely sure I believe those words.
I’m so lost in the past that I don’t even realize his gaze is still fixed on my body.
I take this opportunity to drink him in as he checks me out.
His dark hair feathers back to the side, the longer cut making me want to run my fingers through it.
His emerald eyes are vibrant, practically glowing as they track the sweat dripping down my chest into the cleavage between my breasts.
They are as expressive as they are mysterious, and I can’t help but get lost in them.
That bright forest hue contrasted against his tanned olive skin is a lethal combination.
Add the body of a Greek God and anyone would forgive the attraction I feel toward my sister’s fiancé.
Even though our connection is as uncontrollable as breathing, it doesn’t lessen the bitterness I feel toward him. It also doesn’t make me feel less guilty for unwillingly still loving him. That is a secret I will keep from my sister until the day I die.
I’m brought out of my thoughts when I see Nate’s gaze linger at the waist of my bathing suit.
I can feel my heated blush creeping down my skin, giving away my attention to him.
His eyes jump to mine when he notices my body’s reaction, he furrows his eyebrows like he is trying to figure out what I’m thinking.
“Do you need something?” I ask with a tight smile. I hear my sister scoff from the other side of me. She’s turned on her side reading a book, thankfully missing the silent exchange that just occurred between us.
He smiles, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. “Just sayin’ hi, Pip. Heard we’re going to be vacationing together soon.”
I narrow my eyes. “If by vacationing you mean letting you tag along while I pick up your fiancée’s wedding dress? Then yes. Unfortunately, it looks like that’s the case.”
Katie looks over her shoulder and glares at me. She puts in her ear buds to drown out my passive aggressive retorts. This is par for the course. I can’t seem to help the hostility he draws out of me.
“Come on, Pip.” He takes a deep breath, his eyes filling with hurt. How dare he look at me like that. As though I’m the reason for his pain. He hurt me. He left me. Then he showed up nearly eight years later with his ring on my sister’s finger.
“Ellison,” I correct, my tone positively hostile.
He breathes out a sigh. “I think it will be fun. We can do some sightseeing—”
“No. No fun. No ‘we.’ No sightseeing. We are picking up your fiancée’s wedding dress and coming home.”
He looks at me with so much despair that it starts to chip away at the wall I’ve built around my heart.
“I hate this,” he says under his breath.
The pain in his voice depletes some of my anger, making me feel the urge to comfort him.
It’s an instinct I can hardly resist. “We need to talk.” He glances over at Katie and winces. “On this trip, we just need to talk.”
“What do you want to talk about, Nathaniel?”
My softened state was clearly short-lived.
“I think you know we have a lot to talk about,” he says, lowering his voice so that Katie doesn’t hear us over her music. “It’s a talk we should have had six months ago when I walked into your family’s home. Eight years ago, when I let you think…when I let you walk away from me.”
“There is no need to talk, Nate. What happened, happened. It’s in the past. You’ve moved on.”
“I’ve moved on?” he questions, raising an eyebrow, seemingly stunned by my statement. Stunned, but…satisfied.
“We. We’ve moved on,” I quickly backpedal while trying to interpret the look on his face.
“Have we, Pip?” he asks sardonically. His irritation is surprising. I haven’t seen him express any real emotions in the months since he’s been back in my life. So naturally, I can’t help but poke.
“Ell—”
“PIP! You’re Pip. And I’m Nate. And I’m really fucking tired of not talking about it.”
Well…I definitely poked.
I shoot to my feet, standing so close I can smell the minty flavor of his breath.
“You stopped being ‘Nate’ the night of your senior prom,” I seethe.
“Is that what you want to talk about? Should we get Katie’s attention so she can participate?
” I ask sarcastically. “You are marrying my sister, Nate. We have nothing to talk about.”
He lets out an irritated sigh. “It’s not…it was never supposed to happen like this,” he says so quietly I almost don’t hear him. He closes his eyes, rubbing his hands up and down his face like he’s trying to determine how much he can tell me.
“Happen like what?”
“Ellie, I would have never hurt you if I…I never wanted to hurt you. Jesus, Pip, I loved you. So damn much. I still—”
“It looks like it’s getting really serious over here.
” Katie yawns as she takes out her earbuds, placing them on the poolside table.
“I decided to break up…whatever this is…before she kills you, babe. You’re so welcome.
” She winks as she takes a sip of her water, completely ignorant of the declaration Nate was about to make.
One I shouldn’t want to hear. But I need him to acknowledge what we were to each other…what he threw away. I want to know that he still feels what I’m feeling and I’m not alone in this misery.
I’m an awful sister. My thoughts are absolutely appalling…inexcusable. I deserve every bit of the bad karma coming my way.
Still, my heart pounds in my chest like it’s the lead drummer in a rock band, performing its solo in an arena thirty thousand deep.
The rhythm, chaotic, as loud cheers from euphoric fans encourage the thunderous beat.
It feels like I’m on the verge of a heart attack, one that promises a rapturous demise.
My jubilation is tempered by the panic of what that revelation almost undid.
He can’t love me. If he did, he wouldn’t be marrying my sister.
He would have come to me years ago and explained himself.
He would have walked away from Katie the second he realized she was my sister.
Instead, I’ve been forced to watch them live out their happily ever after.
So no, he wasn’t going to say that. He was just trying to articulate the fact that he still cares for me. That has to be what it was because nothing else makes sense…and anything else will destroy lives.
“Okay. You two are doing that weird staring into space thing you do. Bring it back to planet Earth. I promise, neither of you are that bad to be around,” Katie jokes, but the trepidation in her tone rings clear.
She knows.
For the first time in six months, I notice a level of concern I haven’t seen in her before.
She’s not immune to the residual emotions I try so hard to disguise in her presence.
Of course she’s not. She’s one of the best lawyers in the state.
She’s celebrated for her dispositions, she’s practically known for seeing what others miss.
They call her a shark, and I have a feeling I’m about to get trapped in her powerful jaws.
“Sorry, sweetheart. Just thinking about those reports from work,” Nate lies with a measure of discomfort. It makes me feel better that it doesn’t come easily to him. If it did, I would start to doubt our past, and that would destroy what is left of me.
She nods her head, choosing to accept the obvious lie. I can sense her anxiety though, and guilt hits me like a ton of bricks.
“Els, are you working at the hospital tonight? We have reservations at that new Italian restaurant if you want to come.” Her invite is forced, and I can practically see the wheels turning in her head. She’s trying to put a puzzle together, one that’s missing several pieces.
“Oh, um…we had a few call-offs, so I picked up a shift. Have a good time, though. I heard it’s amazing!” I say a little too enthusiastically. Apparently, I’m a shit liar too.
“Okay, well I’m going to get showered and ready to go,” she rises on her toes to kiss Nate’s cheek, “be ready in an hour, babe.” She looks between us, her brows furrowed like she’s deep in thought, her apprehension over leaving us alone nearly palpable.
After a few awkward seconds, she leaves us standing between the loungers as she makes her way inside the house.
I look down, suddenly interested in my feet, wondering if this is some sort of test I won’t pass.
Several seconds of uncomfortable silence fill the air until I finally can’t take it anymore.
“You can’t,” I mumble, still looking down. I’m afraid to look him in the eyes, terrified of what I’ll see.
“Can’t what?” he says, cupping my chin and guiding my face up until our eyes connect. The longing in his gaze steals my breath, but his touch…his touch feels like a thousand suns setting my soul on fire.
“You can’t ever finish that sentence.” I throw my shoulders back, faking as much bravado as I can while trying to sell my stance.
I can’t let him see through my lie. I can’t let him recognize that all I really want is to hear the rest of that sentence.
Those words would only hurt my sister. They won’t grant him absolution.
They won’t facilitate forgiveness, relieving me of years of torment. They would only cause more sorrow.
He nods several times like he is considering my demand but ends the motion with a sharp shake of his head.
His eyes harden, his mind traveling elsewhere.
I can sense anger drifting off of him as if his feelings are becoming my own.
I don’t know where this shift is coming from, but I know his dark mood isn’t directed at me.
“Okay, Pip… I won’t finish that sentence.
Not until we talk and you know the truth about everything.
About what happened in high school, with your sister, and why, when I was finally free to say those words to you, I still couldn’t,” he growls, clearly thinking back on the events that shaped our relationship.
“Maybe I don’t want to know why,” I lie.
He closes the distance between us and bends down to whisper close to my ear.
“That’s too damn bad, because you’re going to listen.
” His breath tickles my neck, causing goosebumps to rise from my flesh.
His eyes capture my involuntary reaction, making him smirk like the cocky asshole he is, before reclaiming his full height.
He walks away from me without another word, moving toward the patio door with a lot more confidence than he deserves.
“You’re marrying my sister,” I say, desperately echoing the statement I made earlier.
He looks over his shoulder, and I briefly recognize the face of the man I knew eight years ago.
The man behind the mask, whom I loved with every single piece of my heart.
He turns back to the entrance and walks into the house, catching the door before it slams shut behind him.
He doesn’t turn around, but he doesn’t need to.
His voice carries over to me easily all on its own.
“We’re going to get that dress, Ellie. But I can’t walk down that goddamn aisle.”