Chapter 42
It’s been a year since Emmy’s diagnosis.
The doctors postponed her kidney removal in favor of several rounds of aggressive chemotherapy and radiation.
It was the best option to buy time to try and find a donor.
Without a donor, she will be on dialysis for the rest of her life, and her lifespan will shorten significantly.
Her tumor has gotten a little smaller, but even with the trial drugs, she’s not making much improvement. If she weren’t a part of the trial, she wouldn’t have been able to put off surgery as long as she has.
Small wins.
Emmy lost her hair a few months ago and wouldn’t let myself or Asher see her for weeks.
Ash bought her a beautiful wig and had it dyed to match the color of Emmy’s natural hair, so we are finally allowed to visit again.
She is so frail and thin, I’m afraid I’ll break her with my hug.
The dark circles underneath her youthful eyes and her gaunt cheeks break my heart.
If I could take this from her, I would in a heartbeat.
They found a kidney match from an anonymous donor early on in Emmy’s cancer journey, but the donor had just gotten a tattoo.
The oncologist requires a one-year time period after a new tattoo in order to be able to donate.
Something about the amount of time HIV can take to show up in a person’s blood work.
We thought for sure the donor would be long gone by the time that year was up, but we got word last week that they reached out regarding the transplant.
Unfortunately, during the screening process, it became known that the donor was a smoker.
The oncologist requires six months completely free from tobacco before allowing organ donation.
Dr. Sheffield warned us not to expect the donor to still be around by then.
He said that usually when a donor has to make changes within their own life, they are no longer willing to donate.
My mother, Wes, and I were not a match, so our hands are tied.
Getting that news was a devastating blow.
The waiting is excruciating, and the doctors want to proceed with surgery so that we don’t miss our window before the cancer metastasizes.
Emmy moved in with Sarah and Rob, needing some extra love and support while Ash and I finish grad school.
Lord knows she doesn’t get that at home.
Her and Nathaniel no longer speak, and my mom spends most of her nights with three bottles of wine.
I can’t say I blame her. Being alone in Nathaniel’s orbit has got to be a living hell.
I guess you can’t escape the consequences of your own actions.
I don’t feel an ounce of sympathy for her.
She chose the life he provided over the wellbeing of her children.
She went to bed with a monster, and she deserves the suffering that goes along with it.
Nathaniel called me two months ago demanding I propose to Katie. He claims our relationship has brought her no closer to joining Westin & Associates, and he needs additional leverage.
That’s how he views our engagement. Leverage.
What he failed to mention was that he’s also gotten no closer to a judicial seat. He didn’t receive an appointment last year, an embarrassment he will never live down.
Which means he needs better networking opportunities, and that’s where Katie comes in.
Katie and I had a very casual relationship prior to his demands. I kept her at a distance because I realized pretty quickly that I like her. I care about her. I didn’t want her to think that our relationship was something that it wasn’t. Unfortunately, that’s no longer up to me.
I’d taken our relationship to a more serious level over the last couple of months. She wouldn’t have accepted my proposal otherwise. We needed to spend more time together and really get to know each other.
I got to know her.
She got to know Nathan with the mask.
I couldn’t have it any other way. She’d see right through me and know that my heart could never be hers.
Fuck, I hate doing this to her. She doesn’t deserve it.
She deserves to have someone love her the way that I love Ellie.
Instead, she’s stuck with a fake proposal from a man who hardly touches her.
We’ve never even been intimate.
She made it clear early on that was something she wanted to wait on.
Which meant I didn’t have to be the one to set those boundaries.
There was nothing Nathaniel could have bribed me with that would make me betray Ellie in that way.
Not to mention, I sense some kind of trauma buried in her admission, one that may be guiding her decision to wait.
I’d never feel okay using her body if she has a distressing past.
Things have progressed between us now that we are engaged.
We’ve touched in ways we never have before.
I don’t try to stop it because I don’t want to make her concerned about our relationship, not when Emmy’s life depends on it.
I won’t lie and say I don’t enjoy it. Katie is a beautiful girl, and I’ve grown to love her.
But Ellie is always there in the back of my mind.
She’s the reason my heart still beats.
She hasn’t moved on, which gives me hope for our future. Not that I plan on giving her a choice. Another seven years can go by and she’d still be mine. She’s just as stuck in our past as I am.
I have been relentlessly digging up all of Nathaniel’s dirt.
He’s got a full closet, and I’ve got enough evidence of fraud, jury tampering, corruption, and witness intimidation that will bring him to his knees.
Nathaniel didn’t get far in his career because he is good at it.
He got there because he has money and connections.
Unfortunately for him, I am good at it. What I discovered will send him away for decades, but I’ve got to play my cards right.
We won’t know about Emmy’s donor for a couple months, so she still needs her treatment financed.
I may not be able to send him to prison just yet, but I can show him some of my cards.
Enough to get me out of this relationship and back to Ellie, while he still funds the bill for Emmy and keeps her in that trial.
Six months. That’s all I need.
Katie wants to introduce me to her family now that we are engaged.
We are going to her parents’ house after I graduate at the beginning of summer.
I’ll have what I need to confront that asshole.
My family lives in the next city over, so it’s the perfect opportunity to show him what I have on him.
Then I’ll tell Katie the truth. I hate that it had to get this far.
I hate the pain I’m going to cause her. But Katie isn’t my soulmate.
She’ll move on from me easily, something Ellie and I aren’t able to do.
I’m so lost in my thoughts I don’t hear Katie walk in. She sets her keys on my kitchen table and walks over to me while talking to someone on the phone.
“Okay, Els, I’ll talk to you later. A couple more months till I get to hug you!” she squeaks in her cute little way when she gets excited.
“Hey, honey. You look beautiful.” She does. She’s wearing a sleek black dress and has her hair down and straight. I love when she wears it naturally curly, but she says this looks more professional.
“Thank you.” She beams. “I figured I’d get dressed before I came over so we aren’t late.”
I roll my eyes internally. My dad is in town and wants to treat us to a congratulatory dinner.
My eyes flick to the princess diamond decorating her finger.
The one I put there. The one she will no longer be wearing in about six months.
I’m surprised by the sadness that statement brings.
I don’t want to marry Katie, but I don’t want to lose her either.
She’s important to me. But keeping her in my life means losing Ellie, and that’s not a sacrifice I’ll ever make.
“Who were you talking to?”
“Oh, my baby sister! She’s going to come home when we do, so you’ll meet her over the summer.” The happiness in her voice tears at my heart.
No, I won’t meet her, honey.
Hell. I didn’t even know she had a sister. We were together casually for so long, that by the time we got “serious” it almost felt silly to ask. I know who her grandfather is. I know her father is dead. Other than that, I know next to nothing about Katie’s upbringing, and her mine.
Hearing about her sister makes what I’m going to do even harder. My actions don’t just hurt Katie. They will hurt a family who loves her. A family that was excited for her. A sister who probably looks up to her.
At least she will have someone to help her move on.
Katie (28 years old)
Nathan Westin has captured my heart in a way that I’ll never have his. I know this is true, but I can’t force myself to walk away. I glance down at the large diamond sitting on my ring finger. It glistens in the sunlight, mocking my thoughts of leaving.
I’m standing on Nathan’s balcony, waiting to leave for a dinner I have no interest in attending. But I’ll go for him because he would go for me, despite the distant relationship we’ve had for so long.
The man I fell in love with is only a small part of the man I know lives deep within him.
I’m not in love with the carefree-life-of-the-party persona he puts on.
I’m in love with the man I met at my favorite picnic table, reading a smutty romance that he called me out on.
The man I get glimpses of when he forgets to bury him down deep.
The man who sucked a splinter out of my finger with gentle concern.
The man who brought me soup and a cool washcloth, rubbing my head until I fell asleep when I had the flu.
The man who loves his sister so much that his search history is filled with research on kidney cancer.
The man who feels intensely and cares for people so genuinely.
Until he knows I’m watching.