Chapter 51
Iwake up, still cuddled in Nate’s arms. His body feels cold, and his breaths are shallow.
He’s going to leave me.
He promised me he’d never hurt me again, he swore he would never leave me. He lied, and he’s breaking my heart in half. I feel the telltale sign of a panic attack coming on. I want to let it claim me so that I can leave this world beside the man I love.
I’m not okay. It’s not okay. None of this is fair. He doesn’t deserve this ending. I do my steps and stave off the attack. Nate needs me to be present. Nate just…needs me. It’s my turn to be there for him. To fight for him, protect him, and put him first.
I reach for his wrist, searching for his pulse. Slow, thready. Still there.
“Nate,” I whisper against his ear. He doesn’t respond. “Nate,” I say a little louder.
“Mm.” His soft response gives me life. He’s still hanging on. He won’t leave me. Not if he can help it.
“I’m going to save you, baby. I’m going to find something to save you.”
I quietly get up from bed, tucking him back under the covers. I grab my sneakers, slide them on my feet, and walk back to our bed. I bend down and give him a kiss on the cheek. He stirs slightly, a small smile on his lips. There he is. There’s my baby, hanging on just for me.
“I’ll be back soon. I’m going to find something to help you.” He doesn’t answer, but I don’t expect him to.
I leave the safety of our shelter with more determination than I’ve ever had.
He just needs to stay a little longer. I walk down to the beach and hike toward the other end of the jungle.
A stretch we have yet to explore. I work my way through the dense jungle, struggling against the chaotic foliage.
I make sure to mark my route so that I can find my way back to the beach.
I won’t leave Nate for more than a couple hours, so I need to be quick.
He’s fading away, and I don’t want him to be worried about me.
The deeper I hike, the thicker the bush. My senses are on alert, noting all the sounds and smells around me. These concentrated areas tend to have larger predators, so I’m hyperaware of my surroundings. Every instinct I have is screaming at me to go back to Nate, but I won’t go back empty-handed.
The early morning sun is hotter than normal, causing me to sweat heavily as I fight the congested woodland. The foliage is different here. This part of the jungle is much more shaded than where we travel, allowing for different vegetation.
I hear a twig snap behind me and stop moving.
A chill shoots down my spine and I turn around to see a black panther blending into the backdrop of the jungle.
He doesn’t see me as he prowls along the bush, likely stalking prey.
I move quietly out of his territory, only to be in the direct line of sight of another apex predator.
A jaguar.
Rage like I’ve never felt before consumes me.
I lift my spear high in the air and scream at the top of my lungs, running toward it with intention.
I’ve lost my mind to my grief. The only thing guiding me now is emotion.
The animal runs off before I can even reach her.
I bend over, panting excessively, trying to catch my breath.
My eyes land on the shrub in front of me.
I laugh. I laugh until I start to cry.
Baccharis. Holy shit. I found it.
I pluck several branches from the shrub and take off running. Back toward the beach, back toward my home…back toward Nate.
The thick brush makes it hard to keep a fast pace, but it doesn’t stop me. I trip over roots and scratch along branches, but I don’t feel a thing.
The only thing I feel is hope.
I breach the entrance of the jungle and shove through, my feet slapping against the hot sand and spraying it behind me. I run toward the other end of the beach, toward the other end of the jungle.
I reach our bonfire and stop short.
My heart is racing.
My limbs are shaking.
I blink once…twice…am I seeing things?
The loud horn of a ship blares as it approaches the shoreline. I stand there, frozen in time, not quite believing my eyes.
A man climbs off the ship and approaches me.
A man.
I haven’t seen another man in about a year. I tilt my head, as if I’m confused over his presence. Maybe I am? Maybe I’m in shock.
“Ma’am, are you okay? We saw your distress signal,” he says with a heavy Spanish accent, pointing to our bonfire. “We wanted to make sure no one needed help.”
Jesus Christ. A ship is here. We…we’re being rescued.
My only thought is Nate.
“We crashed! We crashed. Our plane!” I start yelling erratically. “There…there’s a man. He needs your help! Follow me, please! Oh, God…please…follow me!”
I take off in the direction of our shelter, looking behind me occasionally to make sure our rescuers are still following. Three men from the ship run after me, likely seeing the desperation in my eyes.
The trek home feels like it takes an eternity.
When I reach the cliffs, all of the grief I’ve felt the last few days releases its tight grip on me.
I can’t help the smile that breaks out when we approach the front door of our shelter.
He’s going to be okay! They will get him to a doctor and he will be okay.
I burst through the door and head over to the bed where I left my husband.
“Nate! Nate! Wake up, baby. Help is here! Oh my God! Help is here.”
He doesn’t respond, still in a deep sleep. The infection has had that effect on him. It makes him sleep so soundly. Sometimes it takes me several minutes to wake him.
“Nate!” I yell again, shaking him this time. My smile is so wide I can barely contain it.
He doesn’t even stir. I scan his body, waiting. Waiting for his eyes to flick open and give me that smirk he knows I love. The one that brings me to my knees.
“Nate?” I squeak out, violently shaking his arm.
Why won’t he answer me?
Why isn’t he moving?
“Nate…” I drop down to the floor beside him, desperate to wake him. We need to get him onto the ship so they can treat him. “Nate, wake up. You have to wake up now.” My voice wobbles.
I don’t understand why he won’t wake up.
“Nate, please. Wake up, open your eyes, baby… It’s Pip. It’s your Pip.”
I look over at his still chest.
His blue lips.
His translucent skin.
No.
This isn’t real. This isn’t happening. He was fine…he was okay when I left. He was breathing, he had a pulse.
I reach over, grabbing his wrist, searching for his pulse. It has to be there. I felt it this morning, so it has to be there.
“Why can’t I find it now?” I cry out. This is wrong. This is all wrong. It’s just really weak, that’s all. That’s why I can’t feel it.
“He’s just sleeping,” I tell the men, nodding my head. “He sleeps really heavily sometimes. I just need to wake him up, that’s all.” My voice is thick with the tears of a truth I don’t want to acknowledge. I stare at his chest, waiting to see the rise and fall.
It doesn’t.
I place my hands on top of his stomach. His breathing is just shallow right now. I’ll feel his stomach rise against my hand, and it will all be okay.
I don’t.
I lean over his body, placing my ear against his chest. I wait to hear the beating I know will be there, it has to be there. I hear nothing. No beat. No thump. No whoosh of the air in his lungs. Everything is still. Everything is silent. Like he’s…
“Nate! No…no…no!” I bellow, sobs wrenching my body. “Nate, come on, baby, we’re going to go home now. We get to go home now. Emmy…Emmy…misses you. She’s going…to be…so excited…to see…you.” I hiccup, sobbing between each word.
He’s impossibly still, as if his body has turned to stone. His face is so puffy. It’s never been puffy before. He didn’t look like that this morning.
I hate it.
I hate the way it looks right now.
“His face!” I yell at our rescuers. “Why does his face look like that?” I demand.
“His face doesn’t normally look like that!
It doesn’t look like him…please, please make it look like him again,” I beg.
“That’s not Nate. That’s not my Nate. You’re not my Nate!
” I chant, yelling at his still body. My words are muffled as I sob in earnest.
The men stand back, staring at me with so much sympathy it angers me. “Don’t look at me like that!” I shout. “He’s okay, he’s gonna be okay! We just need to get him on the ship, and he will be okay.”
I climb onto the bed, tucking myself in beside him. He’s so cold. Why is he so cold? I take his hand in mine and blow my hot breath against it, rubbing it between my hands to warm him up. He needs to be warm. He doesn’t like to be cold. I don’t want him to leave here feeling cold.
“It’s okay, Nate,” I whisper. “I’ll keep you warm.”
I look up at his peaceful, puffy face…with his blue lips. His eyes are closed tight, concealing his gorgeous green eyes.
I just want to see them one more time.
Just one more time.
The truth I’ve been avoiding, the truth that’s been right in front of me, slaps me in the face.
Dead.
This is what a dead person looks like.
He’s gone.
Nate is gone…
And he died alone.
I wasn’t here with him when he took his final breath. What if he was scared? What if he called out for me and I didn’t come? What if he was awake and struggling to breathe? Was he in pain? Was he worried about me? He always worries about me…
I should have been here. I should have been holding him when he left this world.
I didn’t get to say goodbye.
He left before I could say goodbye! Sobs rack my body as I realize I will never get our final moments back. I will never get a do-over. His final memory of me was when I walked away. Leaving him to die scared and alone.
I’ll never forgive myself for this.
I left him.
He was fucking alone!
I wrap his arms around me and cuddle into his chest. I close my eyes, crying into his neck. “I’ve got you now, baby. You’re not alone anymore.”
The men step outside of our shelter, giving me a private moment with my husband.
The love of my life.
My Nate.
We were supposed to get our happy ending this time.
“I’m so sorry, Nate,” I whisper through my tears.
“I’m so sorry that I couldn’t protect you the way you always protected me.
I’ll be with you soon, baby. Pick out a really nice spot in the sky for us, okay?
” I let out a loud, painful sob. “Remember…you said you’d find me in every life.
That you’d wait for me in the afterlife.
So wait for me, my love.” I gently kiss his lips, my tears falling onto his frozen face.
“Thank you for giving me the best year of my life,” I whisper, knowing that I would also do it all over again for the year that we got.
“I love you, Nate. I’ll love you for all eternity. ”
I sit up from our bed and wrap him tightly in our blanket. I walk outside of my home, a shell of the woman who walked in moments ago. The men from the ship stand near the entrance, their eyes filled with genuine sorrow and sympathy.
“Can you help me move him? I need…I need to bring him home with me,” I say, tears streaming down my face.
The men gently lift Nate from our bed…from our home. We walk back toward the coast, toward the ship that’s going to carry my love to his final resting place. When we reach the ship, I give them our story, how we ended up on the island, how we survived the year.
They call the U.S. Coast Guard and set sail toward the United States.
They set up a room for me onboard, but I stay with Nate in the hull of the ship.
It’s colder down here, and they need to preserve his body the best they can.
They wanted to put him in the freezer, but I couldn’t stomach it.
If the time comes, and he needs to be in there, then I will be there right beside him. I won’t leave him alone.
Not ever again.