Chapter 3
Aiden
I’m leaving for Florida tomorrow, so I’m packing before meeting my friend Lauren for dinner at our favorite sushi spot in Manhattan.
I’ve mastered the art of packing light. Since fashion isn’t essential for me, my standard wardrobe consists of track pants, basketball shorts, t-shirts, tank tops, and cross-trainers.
Working in adult content, I’m usually naked anyway. I only dress up when it truly matters.
On the train, my mind drifts back to the day I met Lauren three years ago. I had been in therapy for about a year, emerging from a cloud of depression I’d been trapped in since my late teens. At nineteen, I stood up to my father, and he kicked me out.
I refuse to call him Dad; to me, he’s merely a sperm donor.
My mom and younger twin brothers had been my real family.
My father’s church and political ambitions always took priority, and I didn’t fit into his version of a perfect family.
I suppressed the pain and fully embraced who I was.
By twenty-eight, all that buried anger erupted, and I knew I needed help before I self-destructed.
I’d gotten into porn for all the wrong reasons. Rebellion, defiance, and a desire to escape my overly sheltered upbringing; it wasn’t a conscious career choice, just something that felt right at the time.
That day in the therapist’s lobby, Lauren appeared—a professional, polished middle-aged woman in a black pantsuit with her hair in a bun. She smiled and sat across from me, scrolling on her phone. I was early for my appointment, and I assumed she was as well.
“So, what are you in for?” she asked, startling me.
I blinked. “What do you mean?”
“You know, why are you seeing a shrink?” she asked, nodding towards the closed doors of the offices.
In one breath, she said, “I’m here to resolve my underlying narcissistic father issues, combined with religious trauma, and a late-in-life sexual awakening, which has left my husband of twenty years feeling a mix of confusion and elation since my libido kicked into overdrive during perimenopause. You?”
“Wow!” I said, taken aback. “I wouldn’t expect someone so…put together to be so candid.” I assumed she was an uptight conservative with a stick up her ass.
She laughed. “Oh, sorry, these things just spill out of me sometimes. No pressure to answer if it makes you feel uncomfortable.”
I shook my head. “No, I’m not uncomfortable, and I surprisingly relate. I have similar issues, minus the confused spouse, though I embraced my sexuality much earlier, and I’ve been living it out to its fullest.”
She smiled, and her eyes sparkled. “I’d love to hear more about that.”
But before we could continue, one of the office doors opened, and a woman I’d seen a few times before called for her.
Before she walked away, she said, “I’m Lauren, by the way. Maybe we’ll see each other later, after we put ourselves through the emotional wringer for the next hour.”
I shook her hand. “I’m Aiden. Yeah, maybe we will.”
After our appointments, we grabbed coffee and talked for three hours, connecting over our shared experiences of growing up with conservative Christian upbringings and narcissistic fathers who put themselves before their families.
I hadn’t had that kind of friendship in years, where I could just be myself. She shared about her own sexual awakening, which started from reading smutty romance novels.
Having gotten lost in my memories, I barely remember getting here as I approach the restaurant. I spot Lauren standing outside eagerly waiting for me. The moment she sees me, her eyes light up, and she wraps me in one of her trademark hugs—long, tight, and heartfelt.
“It’s so great to see you,” she says as she finally pulls back. “It’s been way too long.”
We haven’t met in person for months. Video calls help, but they can’t replace this. Lauren is the kind of friend you can go ages without seeing and still pick up right where you left off.
We head inside and we’re seated in the upstairs dining area. She orders a glass of white wine, and I grab a beer and an appetizer, while the waiter leaves us to look over the menu.
I noticed she’s been beaming more than usual since we walked in the door. “So, what’s got you smiling like that?”
Her eyes mist over. “Garrett and Emily told us they’re pregnant. I’m going to be a grandma.”
“That’s great! I’m so excited for you. When’s the baby due?” I ask, ready to hear all the details.
“Early November. Emily has her first doctor’s appointment tomorrow,” she replies. “I’ll probably have to call her directly to get the details. If I leave it up to my son, he’ll tell me it went great, and that’s all I’ll get.”
“Sorry, we boys aren’t always good at that stuff,” I admit, knowing full well Lauren has to pry information out of me most of the time.
The waiter takes our order, pausing our conversation for a moment. After he leaves, she shifts the focus to me.
“What’s going on with you? How’s school?” she asks, taking a sip of her wine.
“Going good. I’ve got four more weeks of classes before I’m finished. I love school, but I’m ready to be done. And, I quit studio work.”
“Finally! How did Jerry take it?”
“He was pissed, but I had to do it.”
“I’m glad you finally quit. Jerry was sucking the life out of you. And finishing your master’s degree is an amazing accomplishment,” she says.
Lauren is like a second mom to me. She celebrates my wins and doesn’t judge me for my career choice. Considering some of the books she reads, what I do seems tame in comparison.
“Thanks. That means a lot,” I respond.
She grins mischievously. “So, what about Corey? Did you ask him out?”
I can’t help the grimace on my face. “No, it didn’t go like I thought it would. It ended up just being sex, and not very good sex.” I’m leaving it at that.
“I’m sorry,” she says, gripping my arm. “I know you were excited about that and thought it could lead somewhere. Is there anyone else you’re interested in?”
“Not really,” I admit. “Maybe now’s not the right time, anyway. Once I finish school, I need to focus on my business plans and where to buy real estate. Starting a relationship right now seems pointless.”
Lauren gives me a sympathetic smile, but she knows me well enough not to push and moves on. “Have you heard from your mom recently?”
I shake my head. “We texted last week. Nothing new, just the same stonewall on talking to the boys. I know it isn’t her that’s pushing that; she’s protecting them, and probably me, too. It just sucks.”
“Have you thought anymore about just going up there? They’re not even teenagers anymore. Your parents can’t keep you from seeing your brothers forever?”
Letting out a long sigh, I respond, “I can’t bring myself to do it.
Who knows where they stand on anything, and they’ve had years of being indoctrinated in my father’s bullshit.
Plus, I don’t know if I can do that to my mom.
She’s the only contact I have with my family, and she’s held a firm stance since I left, saying it’s best to keep my distance. ”
Lauren scoffs. “Best for whom? Your homophobic asshole of a father? Who’s it going to hurt if you go see them?”
She’s the only person in my life who knows who my father is. I keep that detail to myself because he’s a prominent evangelical pastor and a leading figure in far-right politics opposing LGBTQ+ rights in New York.
I could cause trouble for him by revealing that his eldest son is a gay porn star, but knowing Reginald Amato, I suspect he’d use it against me and make my life difficult instead of the other way around.
“It could hurt me,“ I reply, feeling the anxiety that sneaks in whenever I talk about this. I’ve debated for years whether to try to see them. “You know my biggest fear is showing up there and having James and Luke reject me. It might seem irrational, but I’m terrified of how they’d respond. My heart can’t handle the risk.”
Lauren grips my hand and squeezes. “I know, and I’m sorry. It sucks that you have to deal with this at all. It’s not fair.”
“No…” my voice cracks. “It’s not.”
And that right there is what it boils down to. I’m out and proud, and I lost my family because of it. I couldn’t care less about my father, but I love my mom and my little brothers, and I miss them every day.
“Well, you have Matt and me; we’re your family, and we love you.”
“Thanks, I love you too,” I reply. “And I’ve got other things I can focus on right now. I’m heading to Florida tomorrow morning for a collab with a bunch of guys I’ve worked with before. I’m looking forward to trading this chilly weather for some sun for a few days.”
“That’s great! I’m jealous. Matt and I had a trip to Mexico planned last month, but we had to cancel at the last minute because we both got the flu.”
“Where is Matt tonight, by the way?”
“Guys’ night with some coworkers. I’m sure there’s a game on or something,” she says.
We continue chatting about her life, her excitement about becoming a grandma, and my post-graduation plans until we call it a night because I have an early flight.
The next morning, I arrive at the airport with plenty of time to spare and find that a mechanical issue had delayed my flight.
Airport delays are never fun, but at least my airline club membership softens the blow.
I head to the lounge, thinking I can use the extra time to work on a paper for one of my classes.
I shoot a quick text to Mac.
Aiden: Hey man, flight delayed. Mech. issue. Will keep you posted.
MacM: No prob. Let me know if you won’t make the first session.
We’re supposed to shoot the first group scene late this afternoon.
Hopefully, the delay doesn’t mess that up.
Mac and Leon always put on a good spread, just a chance to loosen up ahead of time.
I know most of the guys who’ll be there, but there will be some fresh faces.
Meeting them beforehand helps. I’ve done plenty of shoots where I barely knew the guy I was having sex with, especially in studio work, but it’s easier when you’ve at least had a conversation first.
I try to focus on schoolwork, but my mind keeps drifting to my conversation with Lauren. I’ve worked hard in therapy to work through the pain of family rejection, but the hurt never fully goes away. Maybe after Florida, I should finally push past the fear and try to see my brothers.