7. Chapter Seven #2
Nodding, he does as I say and looks slightly better after a few moments.
“Okay,” he says. “Alex and Mack were fucking in the office.”
I raise my eyebrow.
“Shit, you’re serious?”
“Yes. Positive. I heard it, and… just yes .”
I shake my head, trying to wrap my head around the idea of Alex and Mack.
I know Alex is bi, he’s never hidden that, and his crush on Mack back in college wasn’t exactly a secret, but Mack is another story.
I catch a glimpse of Austen and Cameron across the room.
Smiling. Laughing. Cameron kisses his head, and Austen lights up like a damn star.
“Must be something in the water around here,” I say.
“Huh?” Hudson blinks.
I nod toward Austen and Cameron.
“Austen. Cameron…”
Hudson shakes his head. “Right. I knew that…”
I watch them for a moment, unable to pull my gaze away. Austen wraps his arms around Cameron, and when they look at each other, I can’t help but feel like that’s all they see.
Each other.
I wish I had that.
“He looks so fucking happy,” I say, and even I hear the bitterness in my voice.
Hudson doesn’t say anything. Warmth enters my space as his arm brushes mine again.
“It doesn’t really matter, you know.”
“Hm?” I ask, glancing at Hudson.
“That they’re together now. That they’re guys. Alex and Mack either.”
“Well, I know that, it’s just a surprise.”
“As you get older, you learn things about yourself. Or maybe you just learn to accept them. I don’t know—haven’t figured that part out.” He pauses, then adds, “As long as they’re happy, we should support them.”
“I mean… he deserves to be happy.” I stare at my beer bottle. My stomach flips and I think I should stop here, before I say something I really don’t want to. The urge to spill out my feelings—my true feelings—is too tempting.
Something tells me if I told Hudson about my shitty love life—or lack thereof—he wouldn’t judge me.
But I don’t want to spend the little time I have with my friends bitching about my perpetual bachelorhood and the fact I’m probably never going to find a love like Austen did. Or Andre… or… like my parents.
And that’s probably why we’ve all reverted to our old selves: it’s easier than dealing with all this adult shit.
“We all deserve to be happy,” I say, shoving my beer bottle away. I don’t want to finish it.
Hudson’s voice drops an octave.
“I mean, technically happiness doesn’t exist,” he says carefully.
I turn to look at him.
“Huh?”
Hudson twists his lips.
“Happiness is just a chemical in your brain. Like love. It’s not… real .”
I purse my lips.
“Sure it is,” I say, feeling strangely on the spot. I look back at Austen and Cameron. At their smitten smiles. “You can’t tell me that —” I lean into Hudson’s space, whispering between us as I point to Austen and Cameron, “—isn’t real. You can see it plain as day.”
I hear the hitch in his breath before he speaks.
“I don’t see love,” he says, his voice devoid of emotion. “I see comfort. Familiarity. Ease.” His voice makes my heart ache. “Two people who just… know each other really well. That’s not the same thing.”
I note the sadness in his eyes.
“You’ve never been in love. Have you?”
Hudson shakes his head. “Nope.”
I give him a soft smile.
“One day you’ll get it.”
Hudson shifts into my space a little more, and I feel hot.
Hudson was right. It’s hot as hell in here. How did I not notice this before?
“Doubt it,” he says. Then he sighs. “Sorry, didn’t mean to sound like some anti-love asshole.”
“Huds—”
Paul and Andre make their way back over to us, and the moment of melancholy disappears.
When the party finally dies down, it’s nearing eight pm. Austen and Cameron see us out, and the disappointment blooms once again as we all hug one another.
Hudson breaks the silence.
“We should do this again. I don’t want to wait a whole year to see you guys.”
The way he says it, is tinged with melancholy, but there’s also something else there. Something like the beginning of happiness, though I can’t be sure. Though, to him, maybe it’s more. Maybe it isn't happiness. Maybe it’s the familiarity. The comfort. The ease.
“Yeah, we should,” Paul agrees. “I could use a trip once in a while.”
Alex smirks, his hands in his pockets. I note how close he’s standing to Mack and can’t help but think about Hudson’s shocked expression earlier.
Were they actually fucking in there?
I didn’t see it before, but now…
Now I definitely notice the way Mack glances at him.
Now I definitely notice how at ease Alex has been this whole trip, and how no matter what, they’re always next to each other.
I don’t know if Hudson is correct, but I’m starting to think there’s definitely something going on between them, but whatever it is, it’s their business. And… Hudson is usually spot on.
“Just not Vegas,” Alex says with a laugh.
“Yeah, no Vegas,” Hudson says, shaking his head, and we all laugh at that. “But New York is nice.”
The way he says it hits me in the chest like a brick.
Yeah, he definitely sounds different. I’m not sure it’s happy, but…
It’s something.
We say our goodbyes, Alex and Mack taking off down the street—side by side—and Andre and Paul get into their Uber, leaving me and Hudson. Alone.
“Guess we should head back,” Hudson says, his voice full of melancholy.
“Yeah, probably,” I say as I start walking toward the hotel. Hudson follows me immediately, pulling out his phone for the directions.
It’s dark out, but the lights lining the shops and cafes make it feel almost cozy.
I take my time, my stride slow, and Hudson matches my pace. Usually he’s a lot faster, walking like there’s a damn fire.
“This place is…” He swallows. “Not so bad, I guess.”
“You guess?” I chuckle. “Who are you and what have you done with Hudson Daniels?”
Hudson shoves me. “Fuck off.”
I let out a laugh and it’s genuine. “Sorry. I had to.”
He shakes his head. The silence between us isn’t tense, but it isn’t easy either.
I hate silence.
Especially awkward silence when I think I said something to piss someone off.
“What, uh… what changed your mind about it?” I ask carefully.
Hudson stops in front of a shop, looking in the window. I come to stand beside him.
“I don’t know, just—”
I note it’s a coffee shop and a bookstore in one.
The lights are warm, and it looks like a whole fucking vibe. Cozy. Quiet.
I glance at Hudson, who looks at it like it holds all the answers to questions only he knows.
“Want to go in?” I ask.
He turns to look at me, familiar amber eyes glistening with excitement.
“Really?”
I shrug.
“I mean… it’s not like we’re in a rush,” Hudson adds. “Hotel’s not going anywhere, right?”
A slow smile forms on his face, and my chest tightens.
“Sure,” I say, rubbing my chest, trying to eradicate the tight feeling.
I swear Hudson looks like a kid on Christmas morning.
I step away from him and open the door.
Hudson doesn’t waste a second, all but running inside, which makes me smile, too.
He takes off like he knows exactly where he’s going, and I don’t bother following him. I amble through the aisles, the scent of coffee and sugar filling my lungs.
I can’t remember the last time I visited a real bookstore, let alone a cozy little one like this.
The shelves are stacked with new and used books, and there are even piles on the floor in front of the shelves.
I find my way to the self-help section, taking my time as I pull books out.
A good bit of them I’ve read. Not much to do when you’re sitting around in airports twenty-four-seven except work or read.
I flip through a copy of The Mountain Is You, peeking at some of the pages. I haven’t read this one, but I’ve heard it’s a good one.
“Take up mountain climbing in the last eight years?” Hudson’s voice pulls me from my moment of distraction.
“Huh?”
He leans against the bookshelf and I see the stack of books in his arms. Some statistical things, history of football, and—is that a romance book?
“The Mountain Is You,” he deadpans, pulling my attention from his very interesting pile of books. The way he’s looking at me— studying me—is slightly unnerving, but also makes my stomach flip.
Actually, that might be the mix of alcohol and questionable hors d’oeuvres I had at the opening.
I think.
It certainly has nothing to do with the way Hudson’s staring at me.
“Oh, uh… no. This is…” I swallow harshly, feeling strangely vulnerable about divulging my obsession with self-help books—despite the fact that I don’t think any of them have actually helped me.
Hudson keeps his gaze on me, clearly waiting for my response.
I close the book and hand it to him. He looks at it as if it is a snake.
“It’s about overcoming self sabotage. About… getting over your own shit.”
Hudson glances at the book, then at me, and I don’t think he’s going to take it, but… then he does; his fingers brushing mine.
My stomach does that weird flip again, my heartbeat fluttering momentarily, and I am seriously regretting my snacking choices this evening. I make a mental note to take an antacid later for this fluttery heartburn thing.
“I have a hard time believing you need help with that sort of thing,” he says carefully.
“What do you mean?” I ask as I pull out a copy of Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment And How It Can Help You Find—And Keep—Love.
I let out a chuckle, my lips pulling into a smirk.
“Found one for you,” I say as I hold it up.
Hudson shakes his head, but I don’t miss his smile.
“Mr. Love Doesn’t Exist,” I tease him.
He pushes the book toward me with one hand. “Maybe you should read that one.”
I flip to the back cover and scan the blurb. It actually sounds kind of interesting, though I’m not sure I believe in only three types of attachment.
“Maybe,” I say as I tuck it back on the shelf. “If there’s an audiobook, I’ll get it.”
I nod to his pile of books, noting he’s tucked The Mountain Is You on top of his stack. I smile, just as the stack teeters and he nearly drops the couple on top, including my recommendation.
“Here.” I step forward, and he tenses, but relaxes when I grab his books from his arms, holding them to my chest. I’m surprised at how heavy the stack is, but I don’t complain. I can’t because I’m too distracted by… him, I guess.
Up close like this, I can see just how much he’s changed.
How his features are sharper. Less baby-faced and more masculine.
I get a thick whiff of his cologne. It smells expensive, but it smells good on him.
That weird heart palpitation thing starts up again and my damn dick twitches.
A blush stings my cheeks as I realize I’ve gone almost the whole weekend without some form of release, which definitely isn’t like me.
At all. I make a mental note to take some me time back at the hotel tonight, but until then, shove all thoughts of self-service aside.
Now isn’t the time. I’ve got more important things to do.
Like enjoy my last couple of days on the first vacation I’ve had in five years.
Hudson’s breathing hitches as he pulls his hands away.
“Now you can grab some more,” I say.
He looks at me, his eyes glazing like I just told him Santa Claus is real.
The smile that forms on his face melts my fucking heart. Because that is a smile of happiness, not a chemical reaction. I’m sure of it.
And with that, he disappears around the bend, and I follow him, dying to see what he’s going to pick out next.
I haven’t had this much fun in years.