Chapter 23 #2
I could argue that my work will save some lives by ensuring there are effective quality controls in place before the drugs hit the streets, but there’s nothing noble about drug dealing. The only lives I can count for certain are the lives I took.
Belle’s eyes shimmer in the setting sun. “You should have told me.”
“You would have stopped me from going.”
“Damn right, I would!” she yells. “I wouldn’t have wanted you selling your soul just to help me, Ash. But you did, didn’t you?”
The disappointment on her face crushes me.
I wish I had told her before I left. I wish she’d had the chance to talk me out of taking the job that’s going to have far-reaching effects on my life, and the lives of my brothers.
I wish most of all that I didn’t love Belle as much as I do.
I saw what love did to Dad when Alice left.
And I’ve seen what it’s doing to him now that he’s lost my stepmom, Lisa.
Love, good or bad, breaks you eventually.
“What happened to keep you away?” Belle asks. “What got messy?”
“The kind of changes I was making gets noticed by competing organizations,” I say. “It took a while to lock things down.”
It took a while because the McConkeys came under attack, and I was at the center of it.
That’s why my brothers got involved, and the only way to defend ourselves, was to help the McConkeys eliminate the threat.
I’ve never killed a man before. I’ve never been in that kind of situation before.
I was there because I needed to help Belle, and she can never know that I crossed that line for her. This is on me.
“Tell me what you’re thinking,” she says, seeing my features pale.
“Going into business with Killian created ties with the Irish mafia that are going to last a lifetime,” I reply. “I can set boundaries with our business dealings, but there’s always going to be a reason to push them. And in the last few weeks, those boundaries have definitely been redrawn.”
“Is your life in danger?”
An image flashes of the barrel of a gun being pressed against my head, and how that gun was fired inches above my scalp when the shooter’s hand kicked upwards as his head exploded.
Hunter took the shot. His first kill. And I repaid the favor seconds later when someone aimed at him and Mace.
Killian had trained us over the years. He assured us it was just a precaution, but putting those skills to use was inevitable.
Just like it’s inevitable that there’ll be more battles in the future.
I can see them coming. What I can’t see is a way to keep Belle out of that world, but still in mine.
“I’m always going to face one threat or another,” I tell her. “And there will be occasions when the McConkeys need my help, and I’ll be obliged to respond.”
“Why, Ash? Why won’t they just let you walk away?”
“Because I’ve made myself a target by becoming their ally, and there are going to be times when I need them too.”
Belle’s gaze travels over every inch of my body as she strips away the illusion of the man she thought she knew. Her body quakes as she finally sees the monster. “How can you live a normal life with that hanging over you?”
By staying single. Never having a family I could put at risk. If anything happened to Belle because of me, it would break me.
“I can’t live a normal life. And anyone who shares it, can’t either.”
It’s like I’ve slammed my palm against Belle’s chest because she staggers back a step, the air knocked from her lungs. “Why are you telling me this now?” she asks hoarsely.
I want to reach out and steady her, but my hands hang loosely by my sides. “Because I don’t know if the new life you need to build for yourself should involve me.”
This declaration wasn’t planned. I thought I was coming back to Eastham Grove to save the distillery. I would have used the business as a justification to stay with Belle. But there’s no more whiskey-making, or love-making. It would be selfish to fight to keep her.
“I love you, Belle,” I say. “I missed you so damn much when I was away, and I know I’m scaring you, but I need you to know what being involved with me entails.”
I take a step towards her, but she takes another step back. “Are you saying it’s my choice?” she asks. “Because it sounds a lot like you’re pushing me away, Ash. It seems like you’ve already made the decision for me.”
It feels like that to me too. There’s no happily ever after for us. I should walk away now, but as she stands in front of me, Belle embodies all the good in the world, all the light. I can’t walk away. I don’t need a soul. But I do need a reason for living, and that reason is Belle.
Before she can retreat another step, I close the distance between us and grab her waist. As I sink to my knees, her fingers thread through my hair.
I look up into those piercing blue eyes.
“I’d kill anyone who ever tried to hurt you,” I say, and it’s not a throw away comment.
I would kill for her. “If we made a life together, I would protect you. I’d help you rebuild your dad’s distillery. If not here, then somewhere else.”
“But at what cost?” she asks. “I can see the change in you after four weeks. How do I know you won’t get swallowed up by this world you say you can’t escape from?”
I press my forehead to her abdomen and kiss her stomach. “Because you’ll be my anchor,” I whisper. “I want you in my life, sweetheart. I know it’s a lot to ask, but…”
Belle’s body jerks as a fresh sob escapes. Her fingernails dig into my scalp. “Don’t do this,” she whispers.
“I love you,” I tell her as I lift my gaze.
The moment our eyes meet, Belle drops down so she’s kneeling too. Tears stream down her face. “And I’ll always love you.”
It’s the kind of thing you say before goodbye, and I’m not ready to hear it. “Can we sleep on it?” I ask, choking on my words. “Just give me one night to hold you, Belle. We can figure out the rest tomorrow.”
And that’s what we do. We put off the decisions we have to make for one more day. I honestly don’t know what the outcome will be. I might be honorable and let her go. I might be selfish. Belle might be brave enough, or stupid enough to take the risk. Or she might not.
The problem is, you can never count on tomorrow, and as dawn breaks through the shutters in the guesthouse, our stolen moment of peace is broken by a call from Hunter. My dad’s dying.