Chapter 2
Skully
IT ALWAYS STARTS the same.
Pain grips my body, rendering me paralyzed, before I feel the icy cold waves crash against my skin.
I can’t breathe. The waves hold me under, skeletal hands reaching for me, beckoning me to stay there.
To stop breathing. To close my eyes and live as a…
queen. My blood chills. A pair of golden eyes flash in the darkness, and finally, the pain starts to dull.
My body sinks.
Skallan.
I jolt awake in my room, my eyes blinking rapidly against the tears on my cheeks.
My heart beats wildly in my chest as I pant in the silent space.
My mind feels disoriented while the end of the dream teases my memory.
It’s been two months since I left River Falls Hospital with my aunt Loreli and moved with her to Los Angeles, California.
That last night I was in town was the worst of my life.
My blood felt like pins were prickling it; my legs wanted to move, but I couldn’t leave.
I didn’t even know where to go. My whole body broke out in a sweat, like it was being held there when I needed to move.
My dad came back to my room and explained that I would be leaving tomorrow to recuperate with my aunt. I haven’t heard from him since.
Much to my annoyance, I’ve done everything that jerk with the silver eyes, my supposed ex-boyfriend, told me to.
Well, more he commanded of me. I haven’t reached out to anyone, and no one has reached out to me.
Not that I could remember who my friends were or who his friends were.
My chest squeezes anytime I think about the things he said to me.
Spoiled. Hot-headed. Ugly. Bitch. It hurts to think that’s how people saw me.
Deep in my core, I know that’s not me; I don’t feel like I’m that type of person.
Evil. Maybe that is what keeps me up at night, waking me from the grips of the recurring dream.
I haven’t told Aunt Loreli about them; I don’t want her to worry.
The counselor I had seen when we first moved told me to expect things like dreams, things that feel like déjà vu.
It would be my memories trying to work their way back to my subconscious.
I think she’s full of shit, and I don’t think I really want to know about what my life was like for the nine months in my missing memory.
If I had become a horrible person, who would want to remember that?
Glancing at my clock, I can see it’s two hours before I need to be awake.
In order to keep myself busy, I’ve been going with Aunt Loreli to work at the hospital and volunteering during the day.
At night, I take classes to make up for the senior year I don’t remember.
In case my memory never comes back, I want to be prepared to jump into whatever is next.
Which means finishing my diploma in a different way than my peers.
I begged Aunt Loreli not to have me enroll again as a senior somewhere.
I just want high school to be over. I can accomplish this by taking my finals virtually after doing summer school, which River Falls High allowed me to do, considering the circumstances.
Frustrated and slightly tired, I slide from my bed and grab my sweatpants and a t-shirt before throwing my hair in a ponytail and grabbing my running shoes.
I stop in the kitchen and leave Loreli a note on the counter in case she wakes up before I get back.
With my phone and earpods, I leave the apartment and start my jog around the neighborhood.
Moving to California from the bluffs of Massachusetts was an adjustment.
I missed our adorable bungalow home on the quiet street that I grew up on.
The trees turned colors every season, and despite the temps, the night always held a slight chill.
Not here. Our apartment is nice, but I feel it’s too cozy.
It’s too warm. Everything is green and never changes.
Don’t even get me started on the people.
Every corner I turn, someone is waving at me, or just starting their own morning run.
That never happened when we lived in North Shore.
My morning run used to be silent and private.
Those are the things I do remember. Why my mind has decided to block out everything else, I don’t know.
While I run, I try to play games with my mind. Push that last memory as far as I can, hoping I’ll somehow trigger myself, and it will all come flooding back.
Went to school.
Came home.
Aunt Loreli was sitting in the kitchen and holding a letter…
“Ahhhh!” Pain radiates in my forehead, and a barrier slams down.
It’s as if my own mind forces me out of my thoughts.
Anger burns under my skin, and soon my feet are pounding the pavement harder, my arms pumping to the raging song in my ears.
Why? Why can’t I remember? I can’t even explain the desperation I feel to have just the slightest bit of recollection.
I don’t want what that guy said to be true.
I don’t want to have lost almost a year of my life.
Despite police reports and what my discharge papers from the hospital say, I know myself enough to know I wouldn’t have tried to throw myself off a cliff after cutting open my arm, yet that’s what the evidence is pointing to.
Tears well in my eyes and fall onto my cheeks like they always do.
I refuse to look down at my arm. I refuse to look at the evidence: the ugly, silver scar that now decorates my skin.
A souvenir and reminder of my time in River Falls, a town I never wanted to be part of.
The town that disowned my mother and me.
Somehow, I lived there for months with a dad who never really acknowledged my existence except for once a year on my birthday and the money he sent to Loreli for taking care of me.
And his real family. We all lived together in their fancy manor.
I roamed the halls of the prestigious private high school.
It sounds like a nightmare. Maybe this is why I want to forget.
I run until my legs are numb, until my arms are heavy, and my chest convulses while I breathe hard.
I run so my brain will shut off and the “what ifs” will stop haunting me.
My phone vibrates once, and I glance down to see the alarm going off.
My finger swipes over the button to turn it off, and reluctantly, I head home to get ready.
After showering, I dry off and slip into a pair of cut-off shorts and a band t-shirt.
Thankfully, Aunt Loreli had kept all my things from when I lived with her.
The bag my dad had dropped off at the hospital contained two dresses and a floral romper I wouldn’t have bought for myself.
Either his wife picked it out, or that was another new tidbit about myself my brain was blocking out.
“Are you still coming today?” Loreli asks when I breeze into the kitchen, waiting while she pours her to-go mug of coffee.
“Yup.” I nod and grab an orange from the fruit bowl. “Caitlyn said I could volunteer for three hours, then I have time to study before heading to class.” Caitlyn is Loreli’s boss and the one who has been approving my volunteer hours.
Loreli studies me while adding her favorite coffee creamer to her drink. “Are you sure you want to keep that busy of a schedule? The doctor said not to push yourself. I don’t want you doing too much.”
“I have to.” I shake my head. “I want to graduate. So far, night school hasn’t been difficult. Plus, it’s only three months long. With my volunteer hours on my resume, I’m hoping I can still get into college somewhere.”
“Exactly. It’s June. You have classes up until mid-August. I don’t want you to push too hard just to graduate on time.
Plus, don’t think I didn’t hear you creep out early this morning to run.
” Loreli pops her hip, her hand resting against the counter.
Her lips thin into a straight line as she frowns.
“I couldn’t sleep. I’m not pushing myself, I swear, but I need to keep busy at the same time. If I don’t, I have too much time to think, and all my thoughts are unpleasant and make me frustrated.”
Her arms cross over her chest, and she moves closer to me. “Skully, I’m just worried. You know I took your side. I don’t think you tried to hurt yourself, but something happened. Your body and your brain are trying to heal, and you should let them. Be kinder to yourself.”
“I will. I promise. It’s just not in me to mope on the couch all day and let things be. I can’t control what happened since I don’t remember, but I can control how my future is from here on out.” We stare at each other. Her concerned gaze flitting all over my face.
“Have you noticed anything else or any changes at all?”
My brow quirks. “Like what?”
“I don’t know...I was just making sure you’re feeling good.
Not just your mind but spirit and things.
” She nods along with her words, and I hold back a small laugh.
For as long as I can remember, Loreli has been worried about my inner spirit.
She lovingly, through the years, has taught me herbalism, astronomy, the power of words, and the acceptance of good and evil in the world.
When I was a child, the other children would call her a witch, while some of the people in our town called her a doctor.
“I’m fine,” I tell her, shrugging off the little voice in the back of my mind calling me a liar. She doesn’t need to worry about my dreams, though.
“Okay, well, let’s get going.” Loreli ushers me out the front door and to her car.
Once we start driving, I pull out my note cards and study the entire way there. I refuse to fall further behind. This was supposed to be my senior year of high school. After this, the future is open to me. I’m not letting my memory loss stop me from living my life.