Chapter 19
Chapter Nineteen
Catarina
When I shift in my seat, the fabric of my pants pulls against the rough material from the pews that clearly need to be replaced. I feel the steady burn of eyes on me. I don’t have to look to know who they belong to, but I can’t stop myself from turning.
Slowly, I turn my head to glance over my shoulder, finding him in the back row.
His arms are crossed and his eyes are watching me.
I squeeze my thighs together trying to stifle the heat that’s growing, but I’m not sure why I expected that to work.
It never does. Of course it works its way up to my chest before crawling up my throat and ending once it spreads through both cheeks.
Zed doesn’t move. He isn’t smiling. He isn’t even acknowledging what looking at him does to me. But his eyes are saying enough as they rake slowly over me, as if he’s copying every detail of me to his memory.
I swallow hard, turning back around and pressing my clammy hands into my lap. I feel naked all of a sudden. Not just because I know he’s still staring but by my own body betraying me. I wonder if anyone around me can hear my heartbeat.
Focus on your breathing.
In.
Out.
Suddenly, Fenris’ voice rings through, trailing to the pulpit. “I have a few announcements before we start.” The murmurs suddenly still as everyone gives him their full attention.
“Brady is taking his next step with god. For being such a faithful servant, he’s been selected to go out into the field and help with our missionary outreach.” My body goes stiff, and I shift my eyes, glancing around, making sure not to move my head. Missionary work? That’s such a pathetic cover.
“Also.” I watch his eyes sweep over the congregation before locking on mine.
“Melinda has been called by god to fulfill women’s mission work in a nearby town, tending to those who have succumbed to the Devil’s temptations.
” My stomach swirls, knowing that something is definitely off about this.
I try to turn my head again, instinctively seeking Zed through my peripheral—needing to see his reaction.
But when my eyes reach where he was sitting, he’s gone.
My neck stiffens as I feel the worry trying to take over, but surprisingly, I’m able to shove it down.
Stay calm. He told me to meet him tonight.
That’s what matters. The rest of the sermon drags on, but I barely hear it.
Service finally ends and Zed isn’t anywhere to be seen, so I just make my way back to my room.
When the door closes behind me, I lean against the wall, my mind drifting to tonight.
What will he do to me? I haven’t known him for very long, but what I do know is that Zed is unpredictable.
Controlled, but reckless. I know he held back.
Beneath his surface, there’s something dark that will consume me.
And I also know that I want to be swallowed by whatever that is.
I push away from the wall and walk to the small mirror above my dresser to see my reflection staring back at me.
My cheeks are still tinged with the blush I couldn’t control earlier, and I feel the white heat beneath my skin when I press my fingertips to my face.
An uninvited memory rises to my surface.
The only time I ever attempted to tell someone what turned me on.
“That’s not normal.” They pulled away from me in disgust. Then tried to call me back once I grabbed my bag and told them to fuck a wall or suck their own dick—whichever got them off faster—as I was walking out.
I don’t even think it’s about the pain. I just want to feel it, to lose myself.
For everything else to shut up for a few minutes.
But Zed is different. He sees me not just in passing or like the men here, and everywhere else, that look at me thinking I won’t notice.
No. He watches me like he wants me to give myself over to him.
Like he’s capable of pushing me past where I think I can go, only to bring me back again.
I don’t know exactly what tonight will bring. But I do know that I want whatever it is.