Chapter 10 #4
“You have the perfect height,” he murmured, voice thick with quiet certainty.
“You’re the perfect height to be tucked against me.
” There was a teasing lilt in his voice, but his grip tightened slightly, like he wanted to prove the point not just with words, but with touch, with presence, with something undeniable.
Adrian chuckled, but Logan could hear the warmth in it, could feel the way his body softened slightly, how the tension he carried in his shoulders eased.
And then Adrian hesitated.
“Once…” he started, then stopped, as if deciding how much of himself he wanted to give away. Logan stayed quiet, just listening, waiting.
“I was meeting this guy,” Adrian finally said, voice quieter now, more introspective. “Some friends set us up on a blind date, and apparently, they hyped me up too much. So when I got to the date, he took one look at me and said, ‘Oh. I thought you’d be taller.’”
Logan stiffened slightly, the words settling uncomfortably in his chest.
“Then it just got awkward. I didn’t know what to say. I sat across from him at the restaurant, and after a moment, he just kind of shrugged and said he wasn’t into short guys, so there was no reason to continue the date.”
Logan’s jaw clenched. He wanted to go back in time and find this guy, to tell him exactly what he thought of people who dismissed Adrian as if he were less, as if he were somehow not enough.
Adrian sighed, as if he could sense Logan’s reaction.
“I was nineteen. And I was already insecure about my height. And he… well, he had the right to be into what he was into, but it was the way he said it, you know? So dismissive. The way he looked at me. The way he just walked away, like I wasn’t even worth a second thought. ”
Logan stayed quiet, his arms tightening protectively around Adrian, holding him like he could erase the memory from his skin, from his bones.
Adrian let out a faint, humorless chuckle.
“Something similar happened when I was seventeen. I had a crush on this guy, he was from a different school, someone from the neighborhood. And I knew he liked boys. I thought maybe I had a chance. But when I finally got the courage to tell him how I felt, he just looked at me and said, ‘You’re too short.’” The words hung between them, quiet but heavy, like a wound that had never fully healed. “It kept happening a lot…”
Logan exhaled slowly, pressing his lips against Adrian’s temple. “They were idiots.” His voice was calm, but there was steel underneath it, the kind of quiet, unshakable certainty that left no room for argument.
Adrian hummed, as if unconvinced.
Logan leaned in closer, letting his mouth brush against Adrian’s ear, his voice dropping to a whisper. “I mean it. They were idiots. They missed out on the best fucking thing that could’ve happened to them.”
Adrian made a small sound, something caught between a laugh and a breath.
Logan kissed the side of his head again, firmer this time, letting his lips linger. “You’re perfect, Adrian. Exactly as you are.”
For a moment, there was only silence, only the sound of the wind, the distant crash of waves below them.
Then, softly, like he didn’t want Logan to hear it but also didn’t want him to miss it, Adrian whispered, “I like how you say my name.” Adrian lay his head back on Logan’s chest, listening to his heartbeat. “I’m the luckiest man alive…” he said dreamily.
The moment felt endless. Timeless. Like something he could reach for years from now and still feel just as vividly as he did now.
It scared him sometimes how deeply he felt when he was with Adrian. He could stay like this forever. Adrian, in his arms, the world stretched out in front of them, nothing else existing outside of this moment. But then, beneath the peace, something stirred inside him.
A quiet curiosity. A longing to know more.
They had never spoken about love, not really. They had never dared to name the thing that lingered between them, hovering just beyond reach.
And Logan found himself wondering: had Adrian ever felt this before? Had anyone else ever held him like this, touched him like this, loved him like this?
The thought sent something sharp through Logan’s chest, something unfamiliar, not quite jealousy, but something close, fiercer.
He exhaled slowly, pressing a kiss to Adrian’s temple before whispering softly into his ear, “Ad.”
Adrian turned his head, his hair brushing against Logan’s face as he moved. His hands rose to trace slow, deliberate patterns on Logan’s arms, which were holding him so tightly, so lovingly. The simple touch sent sparks through Logan’s chest, grounding him in the moment.
“Have you ever been in love?” Logan asked, his voice low but thick with meaning. He swallowed hard, his heart pounding as the words hung in the air.
Adrian blinked, the question clearly catching him off guard. He leaned further into Logan’s embrace, the weight of his body settling against Logan’s chest, and shook his head. “Not really,” he admitted. “I thought I was, but… I’m not so sure it was love.”
Logan’s throat tightened. He wasn’t entirely sure what he’d hoped to hear, but the admission filled him with both relief and unease. “You know,” he said, his voice quieter now, “back when we met your friends, you promised you’d tell me about Itay. But you never did.”
Adrian drew in a deep breath, his body tense for a moment before relaxing again.
“It didn’t come up that night, and I didn’t feel comfortable bringing up my ex in a random conversation,” he confessed.
“Especially with everything between us progressing the way it has. It felt… foolish to even think of him.”
“You didn’t love him?” Logan pressed gently.
Adrian tilted his head slightly, his gaze fixed on the waves below.
“I did. Or at least, I thought I did. But lately, I’ve realized…
those feelings weren’t as deep as I thought they were.
” His words carried a weight, and the unspoken meaning of them lingered between them like the wind rushing around the cliff.
“Tell me,” Logan urged, his voice laced with both curiosity and apprehension. He wanted to know everything about Adrian, every part of his story, even the parts that might hurt.
Adrian cleared his throat, his fingers still idly tracing Logan’s arms as if grounding himself for what he was about to say.
“We were together for two years,” he began.
“I met him at a party. We connected, I guess, and I asked him out. After that, we just… moved along. One thing led to another, and suddenly we were together.”
The mere thought of Adrian in the company of Itay sent a storm of turbulent emotion crashing through Logan’s soul.
Unbridled jealousy, unleashed within him like a tempest, fierce and relentless.
His jaw tightened in a silent struggle, a symbol of his effort to find calm amid the chaos, yet the very idea of another’s touch on Adrian, their proximity, carved a hollow ache deep within his chest, something he had never experienced before.
He had nothing to compare the feeling to; it was as if fuliginous was curling into the inner part of his soul, filling it up, and he had nothing he could do to stop it.
“What happened?” Logan asked, his voice more clipped than he intended.
Adrian took a deep breath, his voice steady but laced with quiet regret.
“I was in the army at the time. I was already a lieutenant, and I spent most of my time away, on base, on missions. He got upset a lot because I was gone so much, always around other men. I don’t think he was especially jealous, but it bothered him.
He didn’t like seeing me once every few months, and when I was home, I was exhausted.
I think he knew I was faithful, but the fear was always there, the frustration of being in a relationship but being alone all the time was getting to him… and… we fought. A lot.”
Logan stayed silent, letting Adrian’s words sink in.
“He wanted me to leave the army,” Adrian continued.
“He was scared about the security situation in Israel. I’m not sure if you are aware of the situation there, but there are a lot of wars, operations, and terrorist attacks, and attempts at such attacks.
It feels like an endless struggle for survival and a sense of peace.
I was summoned for nearly every war and operation and participated in secret missions that I couldn’t tell him.
I sometimes disappeared for a few days or weeks before I could reach him again.
I think being apart and worrying all the time started to wear on him.
Eventually, he said, maybe we’d be better off breaking up. ”
“After two years, he broke up with you?” Logan asked, his voice tinged with disbelief.
Adrian nodded. “Yeah. I mean, looking back, I understand. I was spending so much time away. Sometimes, months would go by without me being home. And when I was home, it was only for a few days before I’d be gone again. I couldn’t give him what he needed.”
“You were living together?” Logan asked, his brow furrowing. The relationship between Itay and Adrian felt stronger now, more real.
“Kind of,” Adrian said, his voice softer now. “It wasn’t official, but most of the time, when I was home, I stayed at his place. It just made sense.”
Logan felt himself drawing back ever so slightly, his arms loosening around Adrian. Adrian must have felt it, because he quickly turned his head, his voice urgent. “Logan, it wasn’t… it wasn’t like what we have. It wasn’t even close.”
Logan remained quiet, letting him continue.
“I packed up most of my stuff the day we broke up,” Adrian said, his voice tinged with a wistful sadness. “A month later, when I had a leave again, I came back for the rest of it. That’s when he said he wanted to try again. Said he was sorry, that we could make it work.”
“And?” Logan asked, though he already knew the answer.