Chapter 40
Luna
This is the longest hour of my life. The professor’s been talking for forty-five minutes straight now, and I have no fucking idea what he’s talking about.
My knees bounce under the table, and I feel hot and fidgety. I rest my chin on my palm and let my eyes drift toward the windows, where the campus trees blur in a haze of light snow. The view helps calm my racing heart.
I chew the end of my pen, staring at the bullet points about emotional conditioning, but all I can think about is how conditioned I’ve become—to him.
I’ve never felt like this before. Not even close.
I had a crush on this boy once when I was fourteen, then my mom’s boyfriend ruined everything. I don’t like to talk about it. But that doesn’t get close to whatever Zayden evokes in me.
It’s not just a crush. It’s not lust. It’s…gravity. Like my whole body is tuned to him, and when we’re apart, everything tilts slightly off-balance.
Thank God, Serene left early, said she had an emergency. At least I don’t have to worry about her asking me questions when I bolt out of here.
I tap my pen against the edge of the desk, glancing at the clock for what feels like the hundredth time. Only twelve minutes left. I’m gonna cry.
I need to see him.
Who am I right now? This is pathetic. But after everything that happened this weekend, I can’t stuff everything back down or unfeel everything I felt.
“That is all for today,” the professor says, and the second the words leave his mouth, I’m out of the door.
The library is across campus, and I basically sprint there. It’s mostly empty when I walk in, except for a few students gathered around the square wooden tables.
I walk past the bookshelves toward the corner I didn’t even know existed. I spot the stack of books first; apparently, it’s a do not disturb sign, and I smile to myself. This means he’s here. A weird breath of relief escapes me, because a little part was worried that he changed his mind about us.
Stupid, I know.
“Zayden?” I whisper, walking by the bookshelves.
No answer.
Maybe I got the wrong spot.
Then I see the wooden table with the brown bag and a bottle of water. There’s a folded paper tucked under it, and it’s a note from Zayden.
I read the note and drop into the seat, grabbing the blanket he left me. It smells like him, warm and a little woodsy, and I breathe it in. My body curls up on the dusty loveseat, and I wrap the blanket around me. I let my eyes close for a moment.
My phone vibrates on the table beside me. The sound forces my eyes open. I reach for it, and the screen shows the reminder for my 3 p.m. therapy session, which is in thirty minutes. Shit. I must have fallen asleep.
I push the blanket away and stand up. The sudden movement sends a throb behind my left eye. I take a sip of the lemon water he got me before gathering everything and tucking the blanket into my tote bag.
I hurry through the library and across the courtyard. My anxiety spikes with every step closer to my dorm. Therapy’s supposed to help with anxiety, not cause it.
When I reach my dorm, I scan my key card and step in. Thankfully, Annika and Sophie aren’t back yet. I pull out my laptop and Zayden’s blanket and sink into my bed.
I open the laptop and tap the Zoom link. We all drop in at almost the same time.
“Luna, Rylee, Mrs. Del Sol. I’m glad we’re all here,” Dr. Andrea greets us.
I pull the blanket tighter around me like a shield.
“So, Luna, how have you been settling in at school?” my mother asks.
“I guess I’ve been fine,” I lie, like always, but I don’t stop there. “Classes and training are intense. Everyone here’s so rich, and I feel out of place, but I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be?” I fake a laugh.
Dr. Andrea remains quiet, but her eyes say everything, and Rylee’s watching me, too. My mom is doing that thing where she avoids looking at the camera.
I look down at my hands. “I’m always fine.
” My throat tightens. “I was fine when I had to figure out how to make my own dinner when I was eight. I was fine when I lied to Rylee about missing the bus so she wouldn’t worry about me because it wasn’t her job to worry about me.
” My hands are trembling now. Nobody says anything, so I keep going.
“I was also fine when I went to bed hungry or when the kids at school made fun of my hair because I didn’t know how to style it. ”
“Luna,” Rylee says my name in a soft, wrecked tone, but I can’t look at her yet.
“But you’re not fine, are you, Luna?” the therapist says softly.
I shake my head.
“What are you feeling right now?”
“I feel tired of pretending I am fine when I’m not. Tired of being scared, of always waiting for something to go wrong. Tired of trying to prove myself to everyone else, prove I’m worth staying for.”
“That’s good, Luna. What else?”
“Guilt and resentment. I resent Rylee a little for leaving, then I feel guilty about it. Because she was a kid herself, and she did everything she could to help me. She’s always been there when I needed her the most. I just wished she could have taken me with her.”
“I’m sorry,” Rylee says, her voice cracking a little.
I shake my head. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”
I inhale shakily and finally acknowledge the one thing I’ve been afraid to say, and feel, but it’s always been there.
“Hate. I hate my mother for not being there when I needed her.” I finally lift my eyes to look at her on the screen.
“I hate you.” I blink, and a tear slips down my cheek.
“I hate that you had me when you didn’t want me.
” The tears are hot now, sliding down my face.
“Hate that Rylee had to grow up so fast and be a mom, because you were never one. Rylee was the one who raised me.” I look at Rylee, who’s also crying now.
“I’m sorry,” my mother says, her voice barely audible.
“I didn’t know how to be a mother. After Rylee’s dad left, he took a piece of me with him.
I was angry, lost, and I blame myself because it was my fault.
I pushed him away.” She swallows, her eyes on something past the screen.
“So when I got pregnant with you, I thought this was it. That you were what I needed to get my shit together. That you would save me.” She finally looks at me through the screen.
“I waited for you to fix something in me that was already broken.” She blinks quickly.
“And instead I broke you, too, both of you.”
The tears fall again, harder now. I want to scream.
“I hear your apology.” I steady my voice. “But it doesn’t fix what happened, and I need time to process everything. I’m not ready to forgive you.”
“And that boundary is important,” Dr. Andrea steps in. “I want you to allow yourself to feel it all, the anger, the hate, the resentment. Let yourself sit with it, but don’t do it alone.”
Zayden’s voice replays in my mind. “I don’t want you hurting alone anymore.”
“Luna, can you do something for me? I’d like you to try journaling. Just a few minutes a day. Just what you’re feeling in that moment. You don’t have to share it unless you want to. But you’ve unlocked something today, and I don’t want you pushing it all down again.”
I nod.
“And to both of you, thank you for being here. Luna took an enormous step today. The next step is to be respectful of her feelings and be patient without expectations.”
They both nod.
Dr. Andrea leans closer to the screen. “And Luna, before I end the session, I got to ask you something. I’ve been your therapist for almost three years now, you’ve talked around your feelings but never really talked about them. What changed? What triggered this moment?”
I don’t answer right away, but I do know.
It’s him.
The way he takes care of me, holds me, and looks at me like I’m not too much. The way it felt to fall asleep in his arms, and how much I need him right now.
But I don’t want to talk about him here.
“I think I know what triggered it, but I don’t want to talk about it yet.”
She nods softly. “That’s okay. We’ll pause here for today. It was a lot, and I’m so proud of you. I’ll see you at our one-on-one next week.”
Rylee gives me a small smile and my mother’s eyes soften before the call disconnects, leaving me alone in my room.
The weight in my chest settles deeper, and I don’t know what to do with all of it. My phone vibrates next to me on the bed, and I check the message.
Rylee: Can I call you? I want to talk, just us, please.
I stare at the message. It’s not like I don’t want to talk to her, she’s just not who I need right now.
Me: Not right now, but I’ll call you soon. I love you.
Rylee: Whenever you’re ready. I love you too.
I don’t remember putting my boots on, or grabbing my coat. The next thing I know, I’m standing in front of his dorm, knocking on his door.
The door pulls open, and Jasper blinks at me. “Luna?”
“Is Zayden here?” I wrap my arms around my chest to keep myself from falling apart. This is stupid, and I shouldn’t be here.
“Yeah, hold on.”
He steps aside, and Zayden appears, shirtless.
“I…I’m sorry for showing up like this.” My whole body is shaking now. “I just…” Don’t want to hurt alone. I can’t get the rest of the words out.
He crosses the small distance between us in less than a second and pulls me into him, pressing my face into his chest like he knows I’d fall apart if he didn’t.
“Jas,” he says quietly over my shoulder. “Make sure no one saw her come in.”
Zayden leads me down the hallway and into his room, and the door closes softly behind us. Then I remember the last time I was here. How he carried me across campus and took care of me without me asking or expecting anything back.
“Can I take your coat?” he asks gently.
I nod, and he carefully slides it off my shoulders before slowly guiding me to the bed. He kneels to untie my boots one at a time.
Then he climbs on the bed. “Come here.” He reaches out for me, and I crawl into the space beside him and curl into his bare chest.
“I’ve got you,” he whispers.
The tears come again, and I let them, quiet sobs that shake through my body as he rubs slow circles on my back.
He makes everything feel better, and the ache in my chest softens. I let the warmth of him melt into my skin. And somewhere between the tears and the quiet, I drift into sleep.