Three Years Ago
Stay above the water
It had been a year since Zayden’s mom died. A whole year of him holding everything in and pretending he was fine. Of feeling like he was living underwater. His father made it worse. More drills, longer practices. No time to feel anything at all.
He wasn’t close to his mom’s side of the family other than her cousin Sophie.
So when his cousin Luc invited him to the Kingley family estate for the holiday, he didn’t say yes.
They had been trying after his mom died.
But after another fight with his dad, he grabbed a duffel bag with some clothes and caught the earliest flight he could find.
Zayden arrived two days before everyone else.
One of the housekeepers met him at the door and asked if he needed anything.
He shook his head and kept walking until he reached the room at the far end of the estate.
He wasn’t here to celebrate; he just couldn’t stand another second in that house with his father.
His bag fell to the floor, but he didn’t unpack right away.
Instead, he stood at the window and watched as the snow fell slowly outside.
He always felt like a polar bear, drawn to the cold, to the ice.
It was the only place he could breathe for even a second.
But that feeling faded the more his dad made it about hockey, the legacy, the National Hockey Team.
Hockey practices got harder. And in a messed-up way, he was glad for it.
Grateful, even. Because it gave him something to focus on. Something to bury his grief under.
Still, sometimes late at night, when he skated alone, he felt it again. That warm rush in his chest, and something else he couldn’t name.
For the next two days, he stayed in his room, only going downstairs to grab something to eat. He spent most of his time lying on his back and staring at the ceiling.
The sound of tires and voices outside pulled him toward the window. He tugged the curtain open slightly, enough to see the Kingley family as they arrived, before turning away.
He went back to his bed, one arm over his face and the other over his chest. His heart was still beating there, but most of the time, he didn’t feel alive.
A soft knock tapped against his door, but he didn’t answer.
“You alive in there?” Sophie poked her head in before stepping inside. “I brought snacks.” She had a small plate with some macarons and set it on his nightstand.
Zayden had never been a big talker, but over the years, he’d talked less and less.
She lay down next to him, her feet still on the floor as she stared up at the ceiling like she could see the same ghost he did.
“I’m taking a gap year,” she finally said. “My father wasn’t exactly thrilled about it, but Luc talked him down.”
She turned her head to look at him, looking for a reaction, but his eyes were still on the ceiling. “You should take one, too, you know. A break. A gap year. Something.”
That finally earned a low exhale from Zayden, half scoff, half sigh. “I don’t really get a choice.” Besides, hockey was the only thing keeping him sane right now, even though his dad was sucking all the joy out of it.
“Yeah. I figured you’d say that. But there’s always a choice.”
He didn’t respond.
For a while, they didn’t speak, but the quiet wasn’t uncomfortable.
“Are you coming down for dinner later ?” she asked eventually.
He shook his head once.
She got up and fixed her cardigan. “I’ll have the housekeeper bring your plate up.”
She paused at the door, giving him one last look before walking out, closing it behind her, and leaving him alone again. The way he wanted.
Everyone seemed to move on like his mom didn’t leave this gaping hole behind, except him.
At first, he couldn’t believe it. He thought he would wake up and realize it was just a nightmare.
Then came the anger. He hated everything and everyone for pretending it was fine.
For acting like she didn’t matter. For breathing when she wasn’t.
After a while, he went numb, as if everything inside him sank beneath the same frozen lake she crashed into. And some nights, like tonight, he couldn’t think of a single reason why he should keep fighting to stay above the surface at all.
Maybe because it was the holiday. Which meant another Christmas without her. Christmas was her thing.
She used to go all out every year. Lights on everything, garlands on every doorway, the whole house smelling like cinnamon and peppermint for weeks. She made the best Christmas cookies, shaped like little skates and stars. She always insisted he help even when he pretended he didn’t want to.
Now the season felt…hollow. He couldn’t stand the idea of another Christmas without her.
So he got up, laced his boots, grabbed his coat, and stepped out of his room. Downstairs, the house was loud with laughter and Christmas music. He slipped through the back door without anyone noticing him. The cold hit him hard, but it didn’t bother him anymore.
He walked toward the lake with no real plan, but deep down, he wasn’t planning on coming back. He was ready to do what she should have done.
His boots crunched through untouched snow, his breath fogging in uneven bursts. His hands were cold, but he barely felt them. All he could think about was the stillness ahead of him. How easy it would be to let it take him. How peaceful it might finally be.
The sound of skates carving across the ice stopped him in his tracks as a movement flashed before his eyes.
He frowned, squinting through the dark, and stepped behind one of the tall pine trees.
Someone was skating on the lake. He wasn’t expected to see anyone out there, and almost thought he imagined it.
He couldn’t even see her face. Just her skates gliding across the moonlit frozen lake like she was born to do this. Her braids peeked out from beneath a beanie, swinging with each turn.
She launched into an axel and landed clean as a laugh escaped her. Not a giggle. A full, bright, and unfiltered laugh. The kind you didn’t expect to hear in the middle of a frozen lake.
It hit Zayden in the chest like a sunbeam, almost knocking him off his feet. He blinked, shoulders tensing as if his body didn’t quite know how to react.
It had been months since he felt anything, but that sound awakened something inside of him. The same feeling of exhilaration he used to chase on the ice. That warmth in his chest was back, but ten times stronger.
Like he wasn’t chasing it anymore but was standing right in front of the source. As if his heart was a magnet detector, and she was the magnet.
He stood there, watching her in confusion and awe. He was almost certain they’d never met before, even though he couldn’t really see her face. But the feelings she stirred in him were so familiar.
Time blurred, and the world narrowed to her like she was his private moonlight. Eventually, she slowed to a stop, swapped her skates for boots, and started walking toward the estate.
Wait…
No way. Zayden blinked.
She’s staying here?
His eyes followed her until she disappeared inside the house.
He glanced back toward the trees, toward the part of the lake where the ice was thinner, unstable.
There were warning signs to stay away. He’d planned to go there tonight, but instead, he buried his hands in his pocket and walked in the direction of the house.
Maybe there was a reason to keep fighting, to stay above the surface, after all.