10. Kalen
10
KALEN
Leaving Arlo after our date hurt. And not just, oh, I wish I could stay or oh, I really wanted to hold him longer kind of hurt. It physically hurt. Each step I took toward my car felt like my insides were being yanked.
I’d never experienced anything like that before or heard of it happening to anyone I knew. It was as if our bond was already forming, even though we had yet to mate, and because it wasn’t fully intact, it was being ripped apart. Would it be gone in the morning or possibly when I drove away? Maybe, but what if it wasn’t?
I mean, there was the obvious: complete the mating. Once he was marked and the bond was fully in place, it wouldn’t hurt anymore. At least not in this way. But going from a first date with a sweet kiss all the way to mated was a huge-ass leap, especially for a human who would have all of this be completely new and foreign to him.
What I needed to do was put on my big-boy pants and talk to him, tell him how I felt, tell him who I was, and then see where the cards fell. But also… that was too risky. Throwing all of that at a human all at once? There was a very real possibility it would terrify him, and I’d never see him again.
Did I believe my mate would be one of those guys? No. Of course not. Still… there was always a chance he might be, and I was too chickenshit to take the chance.
Look at me, big tough alpha lion who could take on anyone in their birth pride knowing full well I’d come out of it victorious, running scared because of my feelings. Whatever. I didn’t care. Arlo was everything I wanted in a mate, and if that meant I was vulnerable, so be it.
The two of us had so much fun on our date. Just being with him, spending time, knowing that we were both there because we liked each other and were hoping for more… it was everything. And I left knowing that he felt our mating bond too. He hadn’t said it with those words, but he showed it time and again.
This mating bond between us that was pulling at me? It was pulling at him as well. Please don’t let that mean he was in pain too, all because I was going home.
I shot him a text letting him know I had a great time and got into the car where I’d drive home to an empty place where I would replay the evening over and over again, trying to see if there was anything I could have done better.
I drove home, the pain lessening, or possibly it was me getting used to it, along the way. In any case, I was thankful to the goddess that it hadn't gotten worse instead. I had no idea what I’d have done if it had.
What I really needed to do was talk to my brother. If nothing else, he’d listen to me. But even if he didn’t, he’d be a distraction, and that wouldn’t be the worst thing right now.
I tapped on my phone and brought it to my ear as I walked up to my door. Please be home. Please be home.
My brother, Bryant, wasn’t one to stick around the house. He spent more time in his lion than I ever did. From the time we were very young, I kind of envied his connection with his beast. Even before he had his first shift, the two of them had figured out their roles in each other’s lives. I didn’t even meet mine until my first shift.
The two of them could just live like besties. Always had. From his first shift, my brother could simply be in nature in his fur with no power struggle, no worry that his lion might not give him his skin back.
The same wasn’t true for me. In those early years, it was rough. My lion was strong. Tough. Stubborn. An all around pain in the ass.
He was so forceful he could force a partial shift, which I learned the first time I told him we weren’t going for a run until after I finished my homework. I’d never seen anything like that before, and it freaked me out. My lanky, pimply-faced teen self sporting claws bolted straight to my father. I half expected him to say I was going to become a permanent lion.
It was known to happen. Not often. Not in any generation I knew. But in the history books of our pride—we saw it.
To my surprise, he looked at me and said, “Your beast is strong. You need to be stronger.”
It was over many years that I was finally able to gain confidence in my ability to keep him in control. It took him seeing that no matter what it was, I’d give him what he needed. And now he felt the same about our mate, even if it manifested itself by him being a pushy jerk again.
Only at least this time, I understood why. And I couldn’t really blame him. My human side wasn’t doing much better with control.
I was about to give up on the fourth ring—which, if my brother was around, it never got to—when it clicked on.
“What?” Great. My brother was in a mood.
“Oh, nice talk to you too, Brother,” I muttered, pushing open the door and walking inside.
“Well, I figured someone’s dead if you’re calling.”
I called my brother all the time. Or maybe not all the time, but I called. Stinks… Thinking back, it had been a while. Had I been a sucky brother? Probably.
“I was going to argue, but you’re right. I don’t call enough. But I kinda need you today. So can you maybe hold off on the big-brother lecture and catch up on it next time?”
“There will be a lecture at the time and place of my choosing.” His tone had lightened.
“Deal.”
“What’s going on?”
I plopped onto the couch and put him on speaker. I wasn’t sure how to start. “So… the good news is, I found my mate.”
“That’s not good news. That’s amazing news! Congratulations! Tell me all about him.”
“Well… see, that’s where the not-so-good news comes in.” It wasn’t really bad news. More complicating factors.
“Shit. Has he mated already?” And my brother jumped right to the worst-case scenario.
“No, but… he has a cousin.” Why did I say that? Because I was nervous. If my brother were closer, I’d have gotten in the car to have this conversation there.
“I’m not following.”
“Never mind.” I grabbed a throw pillow and hugged it to me. “But no, he doesn’t know about shifters. He doesn’t know I’m his mate. And he’s 100% human.”
“Well, that’s all fixable.” He didn’t seem fazed by any of this.
“You can fix him from being human?”
“No, all your worries are fixable. If he’s your mate, he’s the only one on this planet for you, and you’re the only one on this planet for him. So it’s a given. It’s gonna work out.”
I wasn’t sure I believed that, but I wanted to. “I mean… when he learns about shifters, it’ll be an adjustment. But let’s face it, your lion is pretty darn cute.”
“When I can control him.”
“Really? You’re gonna let one incident as a teen define your life and your relationship with your lion?”
It was one incident back then, but that didn’t mean it was the only time I’d struggled then. And now…
“Yeah, about that.” I rubbed my face. “So… the worst of the things I had to talk to you about? My lion partially shifted again. Just my hands.”
“And why did he do this?” Not a hint of judgment. Best brother ever.
“Because I wasn’t claiming our mate.”
Bryant let out an exasperated sigh. “Why do you complicate your life? Seriously. What you need to do is tell him who you are, show him who you are, and live happily ever after.” Because of course it was as easy as that… or rather the opposite of that. “Maybe you’ll have a couple of cubs. Maybe not. But yeah—live happily ever after. That’s your job.”
Talk about jumping the gun.
“That’s hardly my job. I teach math.”
“I know. It’s so boring. And let’s be honest, it’s embarrassing. People are like, ‘Hey, what does your brother do? Is he in welding too?’ And I’m like, ‘Nah, he counts all day.’”
“You know I don’t count all day.”
He started to cackle. Of course he was teasing.
“Yeah, and you know I’m not embarrassed by you. It’s pretty cool, man. My brother’s a professor.”
“Did you just decide to be a dick today and then have a change of mind?”
He chucked. “Can we get back to the first part of the conversation? Where you haven’t called in a while?”
“Mostly because of a storm.” I told him the entire story, and he offered to come and help if we needed him.
“I’m so happy for you. I can’t wait to meet him. And I just know everything’s gonna work out.”
If only I could be as assured as my brother.