31. Harper
31
B ack in my room, I shut the door and let the unshed tears stream down my face. “What in the actual hell?” I sobbed.
Swiping at the stupid tears vigorously, I plugged in my phone to charge and jumped in the shower, willing myself to calm down.
Guilt. It had to be guilt.
It didn’t matter what it was, I wanted no part of it. I came here to heal, and he was only breaking past my paper-thin walls.
I wasn’t as strong as some of these meditation sessions made me say I was out loud. I wasn’t a fighter.
At the first sign of distress, I fell apart.
I gave in to heartache.
After a long shower, I snuggled into bed in the oversized hotel bathrobe and found all his messages from the past week.
Mascara and concealer did little to hide the weariness of my eyes the next morning. Still a little red and puffy around the edges.
Nothing a large pair of sunglasses couldn’t fix until I’ve had my morning elixir.
“This shit is disgusting,” I told Jill in the outdoor lounge.
“You mean that same drink you’ve been having all week?”
I looked at it. “I guess. And what’s with that schedule today? Now they want us to rock climb? That doesn’t sound very relaxing,” I snapped.
Jill squinted up at me. “You seem angry.”
I grimaced and turned away. “Sorry I’m not feeling ra-ra today. Maybe if they had coffee—”
Her brows jumped. “Well, you’re in luck, the tiki bar over by the pool is open now. They’re serving organic coffees, Bloody Mary’s, you name it, he’s got it. But you better get there quick, this hunk is workin’ up quite a crowd.”
I stared at her as a sinking feeling settled into my stomach. “Thanks,” I muttered, rushing past her to make my way to the main pool deck.
I froze and stepped back to hide behind a large column and lifted my shades slightly. My heart dropped to my knees when I found August standing behind the small shed-like bar at the far end of the deck. He was in shorts and a white linen shirt. His hair was unruly, his smile wide.
About five or six women were sitting or leaning against the bar, hanging on his every word as he mixed drinks and charmed them with jokes that were inaudible from where I stood.
“What the hell?” I whispered, watching him—and his muscles—flexing as he wiped the counter. A few women walked away giggling, carrying their coffee beverages or cocktails.
Two women were left seated, ogling him as he topped off their drinks with a garnish.
“Are you just going to stand there, or you gonna order somethin’?” he called with a mere glance in my direction.
I slipped my sunglasses back on and walked over, taking a deep breath.
“What do you think you’re doing?” My voice was low, but the edge couldn’t be missed.
“Give me that.” He swiped the green drink from my hands and emptied it into the trash. Then took a small fresh glass and poured a cold pre-mixed coffee beverage, pushing it toward me without another word.
I didn’t touch it.
“Harper,” Carol, who was bleached blonde and pushing fifty, moved over to me and put an arm around my bare shoulder. “Can you believe this guy just got in from Brooklyn too? Small world, huh?”
I ignored her and she pushed the drink he poured further toward me. “Geez, you’re stiff, girl. Here, take a shot of this, I just had one, it’s phenomenal, I’ll see you in yoga later. Love the shades, by the way.” She waved and her friend followed her back to the lounge chairs.
We were alone now, and he crept over to me, resting his elbows on the counter and leaning over. “Good morning,” he said with a sly grin.
It didn’t suit him one bit. Speaking of which…
“Shouldn’t you be in a suit behind a desk somewhere?”
He straightened. “Too hot for a suit.”
“August, I’m serious. Go back to work.”
He looked genuinely confused. “I am at work.”
“Really? Here? Swirling lattes .”
“Yes.” He greeted another set of customers who ordered a fruity cocktail.
I sighed. “Well, for how long?”
He leaned in and whispered, as if asking for the answers to a pop quiz. “Depends, how long are you staying?”
“I don’t know. I have no plans to leave anytime soon.” I crossed my arms.
He grinned and flipped a shaker in his hands. “Awesome, Daiquiri?”
I shook my head and took a healthy swig of the surprisingly delicious coffee mixture.
August’s grin widened. “Not bad, huh?”
“It’s dreadful.”
He smiled at the couple leaving with their drinks and leaned over the bar, slipping off my sunglasses. His grin instantly faded when he saw my eyes. “Harper.”
I pushed them back up my face, finished the drink and left.
I avoided August—and whatever it was he was up to—for the rest of the day. It wasn’t like he’d be lonely. He had plenty of attention from all the single women on the resort. All seventy of them, while I signed up for every single activity on the menu. Which backfired.
By dinnertime, I was too exhausted to chew and just ordered a milkshake, taking it to my room, where I stayed for the rest of the night.
The next morning, I snuck a peek on the pool deck and cursed when I found him still there, with his stupid dimple, charming up a crowd of like eight women.
But I wasn’t about to work myself into a coma again.
Instead, I took advantage of the spa package I purchased. I got a facial, pedicure and sat up against the tile wall in a eucalyptus steam room for a good hour.
There was a party after dinner on the deck, and I planned to avoid going at all costs, dodging everyone on my way back to my room.
“You go ahead, I just need to change,” I assured Beth and Jill, who were practically pushing me in the other direction.
I never made it out. Instead, I went back to my nice, quiet room, changed into a bathrobe, and put on a movie before falling asleep.
The next day, I was past confusion and anger. I was now ready to play fire with fire.
I didn’t come here to avoid the crowd; I came here to soul search and clear my mind.
“I’ll have whatever it was you gave me the other day, bigger glass, please.” I slipped a small bill into the tip jar.
A slow smile spread his face when he turned to me. My sunglasses were off. I wore a pink sundress over a white bikini and had my hair up in a messy bun since I planned on sunbathing most of the morning.
He seemed pleased with my sharp tone, not seeming to mind one bit that I’d been MIA. “You got it. Although I’d be careful with this stuff, it’s high in caffeine and over the recommended amount.”
“I won’t tell if you won’t.”
That was the most he got out of me all day.
I was back to avoidance the next morning. After spraying myself in coconut tanning oil and then Pilates after lunch, I was in desperate need of a shower. Unlike yesterday, I was not about to walk around the other side of the building just to get to the shower room. The quickest way was through the pool deck. Throwing my gym bag over my shoulder, I speed-walked along the side toward the showers.
“Nice workout today, huh, Harp?” Beth called out to me. She and Jill were sitting at the tiki bar, laughing about something I was sure I wouldn’t find funny—not coming from him.
“How would you know? You left early,” I called back.
“Come sit for a minute.”
I was sweaty and dying to peel off my sports bra and tight pants that felt glued to my body. But I didn’t want to be rude, so I walked over, still slightly breathless.
August handed me a cool glass of lemon water without my asking.
“Sit. Join us,” he said. “So I know all about Beth and Jill here, but what’s your story?”
“Ha. Good luck. It took us four days to get this one talking,” Beth chuckled.
Jill nudged her. “Yeah, well, we don’t look like him, so maybe she’ll cave.”
August smirked. “I’m counting on it.”
“You girls know plenty about me,” I reminded them.
“Well you conveniently left out your love life,” Beth poked.
I sighed dramatically. “The only man I ever cared about dumped me five years ago.”
“Ouch,” August said, cringing like that really stung.
“Oh don’t worry. We got back together,” I said, flashing my best crazy eyes.
“Aww, that’s sweet,” Jill smiled thoughtfully.
August—now in a lime green linen shirt—crossed his arms, peering at me as I told my story.
“Well, technically it was his twin brother…but I liked to pretend it was him the entire time .”
The girls’ smiles faded. “Wait, what?”
“Yep. I mean, he didn’t tell me who he was, but I knew because, you know, I’m not an idiot.”
August cleared his throat.
“Wait, so you pretended—like to yourself—that he was your ex?”
I smiled brightly at Beth and nodded. “Yep, 'cause I’m that bat shit crazy and also have zero self-respect.”
Beth and Jill glanced at each other.
I shrugged, took a sip of my water, and slipped out of the chair.
August stared at me. “You’re making this up.”
“True story.”
“I don’t believe it,” he said with a straight face.
“What part don’t you believe?”
“I believe that you figured it out, but I don’t believe you pretended he was your ex because you’re not over him. I think you were waiting for the fool to finally tell you himself,” he paused. “And perhaps…you fell in love with him in the process.”
When I said nothing and just glared at him, he leaned in and added, “Tell me I’m wrong.”
Over the next three days, I fell into a little bit of a routine with regard to the time I spent at the tiki bar. During his off hours, August would lounge at the pool, play chess with some of the guests, he even joined one of my yoga sessions—watching him attempt the crow and the flamingo poses was probably the most fun I’d had in weeks.
I’d occasionally stop by the bar for a drink, which I started letting him pick for me. I’d come to hate it when other people were hanging around the bar, even if I never stayed for more than just a few minutes.
He was patient. He’d said nothing about us, as if he was just going along with whatever I needed. Like he just wanted to be near me.
“Why does this taste like mostly juice?” I frowned at my mojito while I sat at the bar during the evening deck party.
“Because it’s your third one this evening,” August pointed out, his brow arched.
“I didn’t realize there was a limit.”
“There isn’t, but I doubt you’d let me walk you to your room, so I lowered the alcohol to about a drop.”
I nodded thoughtfully. “Thank you for looking out for me.” I placed the drink down and stood. It was the first time in days he broke and called after me, just once, but I ignored him and went back to my room feeling more confused than ever.
It wasn’t until he’d said it that I realized I’d been gravitating toward him these past few days. Getting drinks as an excuse to be around him. I figured it was because he was the only familiar person on an island where I knew no one. But he also made me feel comfortable to be around him. Like I could tell him anything—as you would any bartender, really.
I got carried away.
I wouldn’t make that mistake again.
The next morning, I went back to the smoothie bar for the first time in a week. Then filled up my entire day with overly active activities. It was jazz night at the pool deck after dinner and I decided to go.
The crowd was smaller tonight, with a handful of couples hanging out on the deck and then wandering over to the boardwalk.
I ordered one drink at the tiki bar but didn’t talk to August as I sat there. Instead, I focused on something else.
I listened to my heart. I really gave it some thought. Keeping my mind—and my pride—out of it, I admitted I was still in love with him. My heart and body had a natural pull toward him, still trusting him, like they had a mind of their own. Like these two vital parts of me weren’t there when he crushed me to pieces.
Well…luckily my heart and body didn’t make decisions for me.
“You should go back to work tomorrow,” I told him, my eyes on the couple dancing on the deck to Frank Sinatra.
“I plan to. Bright and early. I’ll have your double vanilla latte ready.”
I looked at him. “I’m serious, August.”
His smirk faded. “I am too, Harper. I’m here as long as you are.”
“Why? Why can’t you just let me…”
Heal .
“Move on,” I finished.
“Because I can fix this," he said confidently. "If you would just let me.” It was the first time in weeks I heard that sharp edge in his voice again.
My response was soft and resolved. “I’m not letting you.”
He swallowed and waited for a moment. “When you change your mind. I want to be close.”
I pressed my lips together, deciding on a different approach.
Honesty.
“Do you know why I struggled so much with us at the beginning? Why I was so upset in that parking lot after you kissed me?”
“Why?”
“Because I thought you were Troy. And you were stealing my heart again and I liked being with you. I was so angry for letting myself go there again. But when I found out you weren’t him, everything changed. My feelings made sense . The way my stomach fizzed when you were around, the memories of you looking at me like you wanted to say something all those years ago but couldn’t. You weren’t the boy who broke my heart, August, so you deserved it. And you had it more than anyone ever could.” Tears pricked and my voice broke. “Until you handed it back to me and turned away.”
His shoulders sagged. His voice desperate. “I know, baby. I know, I’m asking you to please—”
“I won’t make that mistake again,” I cut him off. “So please stop wasting your time.”
"Harper."
"I came here for peace. Please don't make me have to check out and start somewhere else."
"What?"
"If you don't leave. I will." I turned and walked back to my room, hoping that for the sake of my sanity, when I came down tomorrow—he would be gone.