Chapter 15 Bash #2
Hating how weak it makes me feel, I twist and grab the pillow, pressing it to my face and chasing the faint traces of his scent that linger.
For just a moment, I let myself open that locked place deep inside where my love for him has lived untouched all these years. I breathe him in, remembering when it felt like we could conquer the world as long as we were together.
I force myself out of my head and toss the pillow aside, then spot a folded piece of paper peeking out from under the bed.
It’s a map of the city that’s covered in Xeni’s slanted handwriting. There are notes on places he’d checked, people he’d spoken to, and leads that were bringing him closer to me. He’d even talked to a barista at my favorite coffee shop just days ago.
I stare for a long moment, tracing the penciled lines with my fingertip, and imagine what would’ve happened if I’d run into him out in the market.
It would have been like seeing a ghost created by my mind as a means to cope with the never-ending way I miss him, and probably would’ve hurt even more than having him dragged in by Cato.
He would have found me eventually. A reluctant smile tugs at my lips despite the ache.
Stubborn.
I fold the map carefully and set it aside, then grab the leather satchel from the corner and dump its contents onto the bed.
Socks, a wrinkled t-shirt, and a few pairs of satin, lacy underwear.
Bottled water, dried food rations, a small notebook filled with his familiar scrawl, and a rough map of the wastelands.
Coins scatter across the sheets from a side pocket, bronze and nickel glinting in the dim light.
A band of polished silver stands out among them.
My breath hitches as I pinch the ring between my thumb and forefinger. Light catches on the hammered edges. They’re imperfect, handmade from scrap metal I melted down in secret, and sized perfectly for his finger.
Memories flood back so vividly I have to sit, the room tilting around me.
Five Years Prior
Sweat glistens on Xeni’s cheeks and forehead, his eyes heavy-lidded and sated as he snuggles into my chest. “Your heart’s pounding,” he murmurs, pressing the softest kiss to my skin.
My arm tightens around him and I bury my nose in his hair, overwhelmed by my love for him. It fills every part of me until I’m convinced I might burst.
“Bash?” He pulls back just enough to search my face, concern softening his features.
I try to smile, but it wavers.
Xeni props himself on his side, bringing us face to face as he twines a section of my hair around his finger. “What is it, darling?”
“I love you,” I whisper. “So much.”
His worry eases into a gentle smile as he leans in, dragging his nose against mine and peppering kisses across my face until I can’t help my grin.
“I love you too,” he says, still studying me. “What’s bothering you?”
My throat bobs with a nervous swallow that his pale eyes track. I sit up taller and reach for the bedside table, hands trembling as I open the drawer and close my fingers around the cool metal band. Xeni watches without a word as I turn back to him.
“I want to marry you,” I whisper, holding up the ring. His gaze drops to it, eyes widening. “I know it’s a human tradition, and we probably can’t make it official, and you might not even want—”
“Hey,” he soothes, cutting me off gently. “Are you kidding me right now? Look at me, Bash.”
I meet his gaze, and it’s soft, open, and brimming with everything we never need words for. Declarations of love and devotion that could fill lifetimes.
“You think I might not want to marry you?” he asks with an incredulous laugh. “I want you in every way possible. I’ll be your husband, your mate, your best friend… I’ll be your everything, just like you’re mine.”
“We can’t do it for real.”
“It’ll be real,” he insists. “It’s always real between us.”
“So you’ll marry me?” I whisper, voice shaking.
His smile is radiant as he wraps me in his arms and squeezes until I can barely breathe.
“Of course I’ll marry you. I would’ve married you on our first date. But now? Gods, Bash, I never thought I could love someone like this.”
He pulls back with that mischievous smirk I adore. “Let’s do it right now.”
“What?” My eyes flick to his, finding only joy.
“Right here. In this bed.”
“We’re naked, Xen,” I scold.
He laughs in that carefree sound that still gives me butterflies. “Even better. Less in the way when we consummate it.”
I bark a laugh and shove his shoulder as he wiggles his eyebrows, and we dissolve into giddy laughter.
“You’re sure?” I ask once we calm.
“I’m positive.”
I glance around at the dim bedroom. “How do we do it?”
“Just say whatever’s in your heart,” he says with a sweet smile.
“Okay,” I breathe with a nod, steadying myself. “I can do that.”
“I know you can,” he whispers, tipping his forehead to mine.
We hold each other’s gaze until my pulse slows, and then I find the words come easily.
“I promise to love you until my very last breath. No matter where we are or what we’re doing, you’ll be my first thought when I wake and the last before I sleep. One lifetime will never be enough, but I swear I’ll make every moment count.”
A tear slips down his cheek, and as I brush it away, he nuzzles into my palm.
“Your turn,” I whisper.
He laughs, halfway to a sob, then draws a deep breath.
“Ever since you walked into my life, I wanted to know you. And once I knew you, I wanted to be with you always. Some days I’m convinced I’ll wake up back in time, still trailing after you like a lost puppy, waiting for you to notice me.”
“I always noticed you, Xen,” I murmur.
His smile turns heartbreakingly tender. “You are my forever, Sebastian. The great love of my life. If you ever doubt it, remember us right now in this moment. Remember that I would go to any lengths to protect you, and nothing could ever change that.”
“I love you,” I whisper, leaning in for a kiss.
He sniffles and laughs, placing a hand on my chest to stop my advance.
“Pretty sure there’s another step first.”
We glance down at the ring, and my hands are steady now as I slide it onto his finger.
Our eyes meet again, and I am whole.
“You won’t be able to wear it in public,” I say softly.
“That’s okay,” he replies. “I’ll know it’s there, even if no one else can see it.”
He weaves our fingers together, the ring glinting between us. “You may now kiss the husband,” he whispers.
We smile until our cheeks ache as I cup his face and draw him close, fisting his hair to pull him impossibly nearer. Our lips meet, and I pray life will always be this perfect.
The memory fades, leaving me clutching the ring so tightly the edges bite into my skin. I stare at it for a long time, the polished silver catching the faint light, every imperfection a reminder of the night I made it for him.
He kept it.
All these years, through everything, he kept it.
The realization knocks the air from my lungs, and I slip the ring onto my pinkie. It’s too big, but close enough, and my hand curls into a fist and presses it against my chest where that permanent ache lives.
I don’t know what comes next, but pretending I don’t care feels impossible.
I gather his things, placing them into the satchel with more care than I want to admit. The map of the city goes in last, folded neatly on top.
When I step into the hallway, Cato and Ego fall quiet. They don’t ask questions, only share a look that says they understand.
“Let’s go,” I say, voice steadier than I feel, and my hand stays in my pocket as we leave the inn.
They talk and chatter on the walk home, but my attention stays locked on the secret weight pressing against my skin.