Chapter 29 #2
“I hate him,” he stresses, the words furious but fractured, and his hands fall limply into his lap as he keeps staring at them like they belong to a stranger. “I do, Bash. I fucking loathe him, but I didn’t… I couldn’t…”
“It’s alright, princess,” I murmur, sliding my arm around his shoulders and pulling his head to rest against my chest. “It’ll be alright.”
We sit there amid the screaming alarms, the noise fading to a dull roar as I hold him tighter.
“I shouldn’t care,” he whispers after a long pause.
“You wouldn’t be you if you didn’t care, Xen.”
“He’s fucking terrible,” he says as a spiteful laugh escapes him in a rush of air. “He does awful, unforgivable things. He is evil, and ruthless… and my mother isn’t any better, but…”
He shakes his head again like he’s trying to dislodge the thought.
“But?” I hedge gently when he goes quiet.
“But they’re the only family I’ve ever had.” The confession rips free like he’s ashamed of it, and there’s a lifetime of complicated pain in those words.
Love twisted into something toxic and loyalty forged in fear.
I hate that I can’t take it away.
“That’s not true,” I say as I grip his shoulder, hugging him tighter. “You’ve got me. We’ll be our own little family… just the two of us. Just like before.”
“I’m sorry I never told you,” he says as his hands fidget in his lap. “You had the right to know who I really am, and I—”
“Whoa, hey now. Hang on a fucking second, Xen.” I wait until he looks at me, needing him to see my honesty as I continue. “Your father may be evil, but he doesn’t define you. He doesn’t get to decide who you are. I know who you are.”
My finger taps against his bare chest before I lay my palm flat, right over the frantic beat of his heart.
“I have always known who you are.”
“I’m sorry I hurt you,” he says, lip quivering as his words tumble out in a rush. “I shouldn’t have hidden everything, and I’m sorry I did, and I’m sorry I had to let them take you. I’m sorry it took me so long to find you, and I just—”
“Xeni, you need to breathe,” I whisper, cupping his face to ground him.
He scrambles into my lap like he’s seeking shelter, and he feels so small against me.
“I’m sorry,” he rasps, lips grazing my neck in feather-light touches. “About all of it. I didn’t know what else to do, and I’m sorry.”
I wrap my arms around him tighter, one hand stroking his back in slow, soothing passes as his body trembles against mine.
“It’s okay,” I whisper into his hair, pressing a kiss there. “It’s all going to be okay. Let’s get you clean, alright? You’ll feel better after a shower.”
He nods with a shuddering inhale, still curled against me, and I give him another minute of stillness as I run my fingers along his spine.
Carefully, I guide him off my lap and help him stand, and he’s dazed as he allows me to unlace his boots and unzip his pants.
They get tossed aside into a heap, and I tug him out of the shower as I start the water.
Even bruised and filthy, with his shoulders slumped forward and his hair a matted mess, he’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
I remember the first time I laid eyes on him.
I was terrified, stepping into Ljómur after being grabbed out of school and ordered to work for the military. Everything was strange—sterile and unfamiliar.
I didn’t know a soul.
Xeni was across the room talking to another medic, and it felt like I was under a spell. I was mesmerized by his easy smile and flowing hair, and when he saw me staring, I sensed something hiding underneath those pale eyes.
He was beautifully sad.
A piece of modern art trapped within the confines of a Renaissance painting.
Vivid, wild, and free on the inside, but muted into something socially acceptable on the outside.
Reluctantly tamed.
I’d seen the explosion of color living inside his eyes. Had wanted more of it in my life, mess be damned.
We’d always been such a beautiful mess.
He watches as I undress, letting his gaze roam my body. It’s intimate but not wanting. He surveys the dips and curves like he’s memorizing how it’s changed since we were last stripped bare like this. Our fingers lace as I help him into the shower, and once we’re under the spray, I glance up at him.
Blood specks create macabre freckles across his pale face, while darker clots pool along the edge of his eyepatch. The reminders of the night’s trauma are stark on his skin, and I reach up with both hands to slide the patch off so I can wash them away.
“No,” he pleads in a whisper as he seizes my wrists, his fear ringing louder than the sirens outside.
“We need to get you clean, Xen.” I stroke my thumbs across his cheeks, wiping away streaks of dried blood.
He doesn’t release me. “I don’t want you to see.”
“Why not?”
He pauses, lip pinched between his teeth until the skin blanches, and his gaze darts to the droplets of water trickling down the tiles.
“I only ever wanted to be perfect for you,” he admits quietly. His single eye darts to mine for a fleeting second before dropping to stare at my chest. “Now I can’t be.”
Something fundamental inside me shatters at the confession, because I understand its roots. Xeni never hid his difficult childhood from me, but now?
Knowing who his father was, and the impossible standards he could never meet?
It’s no wonder he needs so much reassurance.
“Do you trust me?” I ask, thumb brushing the edge of a scar that shows under the patch.
He nods, the motion small but certain.
“Then trust that you’ll always be perfect to me, Xen. Let me see you.”
His eye climbs to mine again, searching for any hidden lie, any flicker of disgust, but he won’t find it.
Finally, ever so slowly, he releases his grip on my wrists.
I wait a few heartbeats longer to give him space for objection, but when none comes, I slide the leather strap over his head and toss it aside.
A quiet whimper escapes him as his good eye closes tight, like he’s bracing for a reaction he can’t bear to witness.
Pale lashes are perfectly intact, fanning out along the hollow pit of his ruined eye. Scars radiate from the injury in jagged, raised lines that cut across his skin like rose-pink frozen lightning.
The contrast is brutal against the flawless beauty of his face.
I force down the lump rising in my throat, and my thumbs scrub the crusted blood on his face until he’s clean.
“See?” I whisper as I guide his head closer and press the softest kiss to those scars. “Perfect.”
He shudders beneath the touch, a broken exhale escaping him as his eye flutters open. His breath hitches as he searches my face for revulsion that isn’t there.
A sob catches in his throat, small and stifled at first, but it breaks free on the next breath.
His arms wrap around my neck, pulling me closer as he buries his face against my shoulder, and his tears are hot against my skin.
Years of hidden pain spill out in silent, heaving cries that shake us both.
I hold him tighter, one hand cradling the back of his head. My fingers thread through his damp hair, and he clings to me like I’m the only solid thing left in his world.
Eventually, his cries settle, and he fists my hair and guides my lips to his in a slow kiss. He pulls back and stares into my eyes for a moment before he dips his chin in a nod, granting permission to wash the night away.
The water runs pink as I wash Xeni’s skin and hair, taking my time to let my hands explore the lean planes of his body. I turn him to face the wall and massage his back, running my thumbs along the muscles that are tight from spending the past five days in uncomfortable, unnatural positions.
He turns to face me with his nipples pebbled and his cock half hard, but both of us know this isn’t leading anywhere tonight. He needs rest, and now that he’s clean, he’s barely conscious.
We dry off, and I fight off the guilt for having someone else manage my laundry as I wrap myself in a towel and leave our dirty clothes piled outside the door.
Xeni is already between the sheets when I hang the towel in the bathroom and come to bed. I climb in behind him, banding my arms around his waist and hugging him there.
“I always felt safer like this,” he whispers with a happy sigh into the darkness, and even with the danger surrounding us and the alarms blaring outside, I feel safe, too.