11. Levi
Catching feelings like they are Pokemon, except I’m the only one playing.
It still felt early when I opened my eyes attempting to wake up. Looking to my left, the bed was empty but Vi’s impression was still there. I ran my hand over the spot she slept had in and it was cold. My heart dropped as I wondered if she had left in the middle of the night, again.
I looked at the nightstand and there it was, right next to my glasses..
“Fuck,” I murmured, running my hand down my face.
We were supposed to leave the festival today. I knew this might be the last time I saw her, but a goodbye or breakfast before she left would have been nice.
I grabbed my glasses, taking a deep breath, picking up the small note she had left.
Levi and Matteo,
Thanks for giving me an unforgettable weekend. I hope we see each other before I go back to the states.
XOXO
I grimaced, hating that she left this note. We had seen each other a few times now and she had reduced me to a goodbye in a note that she signed XOXO. I groaned getting up, trying to shake off the disappointment that cut deeper than I'd like to admit.
The weekend with Matteo and Vi had been perfect.
It was more than I could have hoped for and seeing Vi gave me hope the weekend wouldn’t be such a disaster.
Matteo and I were still a little awkward and the more time we hung out, I worried something might happen between us like a talk about what was going on with us.
I hoped he was oblivious, but lately things had felt heavy with us with words unspoken.
Vi provided a great barrier and sex with her and Matteo was wild, better than I could have imagined. It was a connection to Matteo; I didn’t need it, but now I was grateful for it.
Fuck, I was pathetic.
I grabbed some clothes to change into and packed my bag, looking around the room, making sure I left nothing behind.
The bed’s rumpled sheets brought back memories of everything we had done.
My stomach flip-flopped at how great the sex was.
My cheeks grew hot as I imagined all the things we had done and could try next time, but there would be no next time. Vi had made sure of that.
Taking a deep breath, I left the room to see Matteo sitting on the sofa staring out into nothing.
“Good morning,” I said, my voice still rough from sleep.
“Morning,” he said, shaking his head. “You ready? We still have time before we need to go to the airport.”
“Yeah, I think I'd like to head to the airport so I can shower before we leave back to Paris,” I said, pushing my glasses up my nose.
“She left,” Matteo stated.
“Yeah I know, she left her signature farewell,” I said, holding up her note from my pocket.
He nodded looking down. “Tried to get her to stay, but she was deadset on leaving.”
Was Matteo sad she left?
“I wish someone had woken me up to at least say goodbye,” I said, sounding slightly bitter.
“Sorry,” he said, standing up, still not looking at me. “It seemed like she hated goodbyes.”
I scoffed, not buying that excuse. “It was time for her to move on.”
Matteo lifted his bag. “Let’s go. We can have a meal and a cocktail before we leave.”
“Ok,” I said, walking out with him. “The tent was nice, but I miss having a bathroom to myself. I’m ready to head back to Paris.”
“I won’t be going back to Paris,” Matteo said as we walked to the parking lot.
“What? Why?” I tried not to sound hurt.
Vi had left and now Matteo was making me feel like something was wrong with me. Did he regret the weekend?
“I need to head to Milan and all my work is done in Paris for now,” he said rounding the car we rented. “Paola will be in town and I haven’t seen her in a few months.”
We tossed our things in the backseat and got in.
“Are you going to Greece?” It was stupid to ask, but right now I might have been spiraling.
“What? Of course,” he said, finally looking at me.
“Ok, good,” I said, looking away, attempting to keep my dignity intact.
Matteo studied me for a moment before taking off. The drive to the airport was quiet and uncomfortable. My mind was running wild at why Matteo was leaving and not coming back with me like said he was originally going to.
What the hell was happening? Was it me? Was I the problem?
Being a platinum airline member had its perks, but it didn’t help the fact that I was coming back to Paris alone. It wasn’t the first time I had come home alone or been alone in our Paris home. Matteo and I rarely worked in the same city and when we were, we didn’t see each other often.
So why the fuck was I so upset he left to Milan?
“Get your shit together,” I murmured to myself as I opened the door to our home.
It was too quiet as I entered. Gold light dusted the living room and while this was my favorite time of the day, nothing could take away my melancholy. I ate dinner quickly, worked on a few apps before calling it an early night.
That’s how life was for the next few days. Work, eat, run, or work out and sleep. The urge to call Matteo grew until I needed to hear someone’s voice or talk with someone that wasn’t a coworker. I opened Rendezvous to Vi’s chat because I couldn’t get her out of my head.
C++98 - Did you make it to your next destination ok?
I sent it before I could think twice about it.
My phone buzzed, excitement thrummed through me until I saw my best friend's name instead of a text back from Vi. I felt guilty for a second before answering the phone.
“Hey,” I answered.
“Gomdori,” he said, instantly making me relax.
I’ve missed our friendship. I've been so selfish.
“How was the reunion with your mom?” I settled back into the sofa.
“Much needed,” he said. “But I didn’t call to talk about me. I’m wondering what’s going on with you and Matteo.”
“Nothing,” I said too quickly.
The silence on the phone told me I wasn’t fooling him. Ruwon would try and get it out of me, but silence was his best weapon because I always felt the need to fill it. It was pointless to fight against him.
“Nothing is wrong with us. He’s been weird since I started dating,” I said, hating that I was putting this all on Matteo. “Over the weekend we saw the girl I went out with in Paris there and she stayed with us. Matteo wasn’t happy about it.”
Telling him about our threesome was on the tip of my tongue. Would he look at us differently? When have we never shared everything? Secrets are toxic and the one I was keeping about Matteo was killing me a little every day.
“We had a threesome too,” I said, before I chickened out.
He was silent as he usually was, but this time I almost screamed for him to say something except instead of letting him answer. I put my foot in my mouth even more.
“I don't know if it was a mistake, but it felt good to share a woman with him,” I said without stopping. “I thought things were ok, but he ran away to Milan.”
“Now his mood makes sense,” he said thoughtfully. “I thought you must have had a fight, but he didn’t seem mad.”
“Is he ok?” I wanted to know if he was feeling like I was. “I don’t know why he ran away. I thought we were having fun, but he didn't say no to the offer.”
“You need to talk to him,” he said, but it felt like a command. “I think you have a lot to talk about, but running away from each other is hurting more than helping.”
“He was the one who ran away,” I said petulantly.
“Yeah, but something is going on and I can hear it in your voices,” he said.
Ruwon was the youngest out of us, but his emotional intelligence surpassed Matteo and mine by miles.
“I don’t even know what to say,” I grumbled.
“Maybe start with I’m in love with you,” he said immediately.
“Excuse me?” I coughed, choking on my stupid spit.
“Don’t play stupid. I’ve seen the looks you’ve given him since we were fifteen,” he said like we were talking about the weather and not about my massive crush on my best friend.
“I—”
“Quit lying, this is a good thing,” he said. “I think both of you would be so much happier if you just talked about your feelings for each other with each other.”
“There are no feelings between us,” I said appalled.
“I think you’d be surprised at what you find,” he said like a wise elder instead of the baby of the group.
“I think you're mistaken,” I said quickly. “Matteo isn’t a relationship man and he never will be. Whatever you think will happen, it won’t. Matteo is just upset that his friend isn’t there for him every moment like he’s used to.”
I didn’t mean to sound harsh, the panic shocked my system. If Matteo found out about this, our friendship would never be the same.
“Gomdori,” he chastised me. “Don't let this ruin your friendship. Now that I think about it, you guys make sense together. If there was anyone to make Matteo settle down, it’d be you.”
“Brother,” I whispered. “I don’t think you’re thinking right.”
“I think you’re ruining your friendship more by staying silent,” he said. “This girl has messed both of you up and for what? Lack of communication?”
“I like her,” I groaned. “He’s the one acting weird. He’s making me feel guilty for moving on.”
“Gomdori.”
“Ruwon,” I said, getting frustrated. “Look, what if I say something and it ruins the friendship? What if we can't come back from it?”
“Then you don’t know Matteo like I thought you did,” he stated.
I didn’t know how to respond to that because I thought I knew Matteo very well, but if I couldn’t trust our friendship, maybe I didn’t know him at all.
“Levi.” Ruwon’s voice was gentle.
“I’m scared,” I whispered.
“Matteo won’t let your friendship go. You think he’s going to turn his back on you?”
“I want to say no, but I’m too scared to take that chance,” I said, feeling my phone vibrate.
“Ok, I won’t push you,” he said. “I love you guys and I want the best for you, even if you think you don’t deserve it.”
“I know,” I sighed. “How have you been?”
“Good, glad I came with my mother,” he said, sounding better than he did last time.
“Are the Queens spoiling you? Fattening you up?” I teased.
He laughed. “Yeah, I’m too buff now. Mama Maya and your father keep making me food and having me taste all this wine, it’s such a burden.”
“Good, you needed it,” I said, feeling more affection for the friendship between all our parents.
“Yeah, I—”
“Mijo, are you ready!?” Matteo’s mother Maya yelled.
“Yeah I am!” he yelled back.
“I’ll let you go,” I said, feeling better, even if I felt nauseous that he knew about my feelings about Matteo.
“If you have time, stop by the coast. Your father would love that,” he said.
“If I finish early I will,” I said, hearing my father amongst our mothers. “Tell my dad I love him.”
“Ok, I will. Think about talking to Matteo. He will surprise you, I’m sure of it. Love you, Gomdori.”
“Love you too, brother.”
I ended the call lighter and a little less worried. If Ruwon knew my feelings, did that mean Matteo might know too? Was this why he always had women over so I knew he was unavailable? My phone vibrated again and I smiled instantly.
XOXO22 - Yeah I made it safely to Amsterdam.
XOXO22 - I’m sorry I left in the middle of the night again. I thought it was the right thing to do, but now I feel like an ass and I never thanked you for a great weekend. When I saw you, I was getting ready to leave, so thank you for giving me another few days I won’t ever forget.
I debated telling her it was fucked up, but I appreciated her honestly.
C++98 - I’m glad you had a great weekend and I got to see you again.
C++98 - How’s Amsterdam?
The bubble that she was typing popped up and the tension I had been holding onto slowly left my body as we continued chatting.
I didn’t know what it was about Vi, but she made everything feel right.
I just wished she wanted more because, despite my feelings for Matteo, Vi felt right.
If I was being honest, when the three of us were together, it felt perfect.