8. Lyra
P romptly at eleven, the doorbell rang loudly through the house, startling me since I didn’t expect it to be quite so blaring. I set aside the crossword I’d been working on and headed for the door. With a quick glance at the small screen on the security system, I saw it was Dr. Mann and knew it was safe to open the door.
“Good morning,” I greeted and stepped aside so she could enter.
Dr. Mann smiled, and her bright green eyes shone with a welcoming warmth. “It’s so good to see you looking well, Lyra.”
The last time she’d seen me was at the hospital the day after the meltdown. I could only imagine the impression I gave off, looking like a drugged ragamuffin.
“Can I get you anything to drink? Water? Hot tea?” I asked, leading her toward the kitchen.
“Thank you, but I’m fine for now,” Dr. Mann assured me.
Nodding, I tucked my hair behind my ear, unsure of why I was so nervous about her being in my home. There wasn’t anything for her to discover about me or my fellow packmates that would raise any questions. Yet, I felt incredibly vulnerable.
“Do you have a spot here that you feel the most comfortable in?” Dr. Mann asked as if she could see my mind beginning to spiral.
When I’d opened the door, a gentle breeze brushed against my skin, letting me know it was a pleasant day. “Let’s head out to the patio. It’s small, but I think the fresh air would do me good,” I decided and led the way. “I’ll be honest, I haven’t left the house since I returned from the hospital. It wasn’t until today that I felt remotely restless and willing to consider trying to get back in a car.”
Dr. Mann held off from responding until we both settled into the pair of wicker patio chairs. “I’m glad you took the time you needed, that’s nothing to be ashamed of. What you experienced took a toll on you mentally and physically for the second time. Then when you add on how your memory is coming back to you, it’s forcing you to face this traumatic event head on.”
I sighed and slumped against the chair, taking a moment to look at the bright blue sky. “How, how could a mother choose to kill herself and her daughter? I’ve suffered just as much loss, but the thought of giving up and leaving this world wasn’t a solution I could accept. There were a few dark moments where I considered if it was worth living in so much pain when no one would miss me, but I didn’t have the courage to follow through.”
“Lack of courage isn’t what kept you from making a plan,” Dr. Mann countered, which had me shifting my attention back to her. “Lyra, for you to keep going and living your life with purpose has to be one of the most courageous things I’ve ever seen. Your mother allowed her grief to eat her alive to the point she believed it would be easier to give up. What you did was the complete and utter opposite of that. How could that not be the finest display of courage?”
It took me a moment to digest what she was saying. For so long, the story I’d been telling myself was—I’m not good enough. Everything Dr. Mann was saying, my pack had been echoing since we met. At first, I thought it was because we were scent matched. How could they not see me as perfect when I was created to connect perfectly with them? Yet for some reason, hearing Dr. Mann, a woman who specialized in dealing with trauma and abuse victims, who’s heard far worse stories than mine, was telling me that I was courageous.
“Think back to those dark times for a moment, and tell me, what was the thing that kept you from giving in?” Dr. Mann pressed as she crossed one leg over the other, her hands calmly resting in her lap as if she wasn’t forcing me to face a time I never wanted to go back to.
Feeling the need to protect myself, I raised my feet so my heels perched on the edge of the seat as I wrapped my arms around my knees. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath in through my nose before letting it out slowly. As I searched my memories, I kept doing my deep breathing, trying to keep myself from panicking.
“The time I came closest to giving in to my loss was freshman year of college,” I shared, continuing to keep my eyes closed. “Since my mother died leaving me alone, I went to an all-girls boarding school. There, I was surrounded by people all the time, making it easier to ignore the loneliness. I was seeing a therapist, but she wasn’t someone who pushed me to delve deeper into my grief. She also didn’t continue working with patients once they became eighteen, which I understood. However, her solution was to simply hand me a sheet of paper with five names and numbers for people close to my chosen college who had room to take another patient.”
Pausing, I lifted my head and met Dr. Mann’s kind gaze. “It felt so brusk as if I was being dismissed and no longer important since I didn’t fit her specialty. I worked with that woman for three years, and she couldn’t even take the time to help match me with someone to take over.”
“I’m so sorry things were handled in such a way,” Dr. Mann said, her voice full of empathy. “While I can’t speak for others, I promise you if for any reason we need to part ways, I’ll make sure you have someone I trust to step in.”
Tears pricked my eyes as I smiled weakly at her. “Thank you. Dr. Barnett said the same thing when I told her I was moving. She even figured out how to do video sessions if I needed them while I looked for a new fit. Part of me had hoped I’d grown strong enough so I didn’t have to rely on therapy, but here we are.”
“Lyra, I have all the faith in the world… with the support of your pack and us working together, we’ll reach a place where you might not need me anymore. In fact, I love it when my patients reach that point,” Dr. Mann shared, then leaned forward a bit. “However, in no way do I have an issue with any of my patients choosing to continue meeting with me for as long as they like. It’s important to have a safe place to talk to someone who isn’t part of your daily life or has preconceived opinions. Being in therapy isn’t a sign of weakness, it shows awareness and determination to be the best version of yourself.”
Something about hearing Dr. Mann tell me that released tension I hadn’t known was coiled in my chest. “I’m incredibly glad I was able to find you when I did. Dealing with everything that’s going on would be ten times harder than it already is.”
She smiled so brightly that it caused the wrinkles around her eyes to deepen. “I appreciate you saying that, Lyra. Now if you’re okay with it, I’d like to go back to my original question. What happened in your freshman year to keep you going?”
“My roommate, Elora,” I answered. “For the first month, I didn’t have a roommate, and I found myself wallowing in the loss of another home and family. It wasn’t that I’d made any amazing, long-lasting relationships with any of the girls, but after six years, it had become my new normal. My fathers had always made it clear how important it was to them that I went to college, so I did. Learning was an easy escape, it gave me purpose and structure. That being said, college is nothing like a rigid boarding school.”
I shifted so my feet were tucked under me and clutched the decorative pillow to my chest. “After a few days, I felt as if I was drowning, lost in the sea of people who ebbed and flowed through life without a care in the world. Then on a random Tuesday after I finished my last class, I entered my room to find Elora. She was standing on her bed trying to hang a poster of some band I’d never heard of. The second she heard the door open, Elora turned, saw me, and her face instantly lit up. Next thing I knew, she’d wrapped me in a hug, yanking me off my feet.”
I chuckled, remembering how stunned I was at her actions. No one other than my fathers had ever been that excited to see me. Hell, I didn’t know what her name was or why she was in my room.
“Elora grew up in Numoland, and due to an issue with her paperwork, she’d been delayed a month. The second issue we discovered was that Elora is an Alpha and I’m an Omega. As I’m sure you know, most colleges don’t allow Alphas and Omegas to room together for obvious reasons. I planned to tell the housing director about the issue, but Elora begged me to test it out for a week. Since I’d already planned on taking suppressants so I could plan for my heat, it removed the biggest challenge, so I gave in.”
I combed my fingers through my hair as I grinned at the memories that flooded my mind. “It didn’t take a full week for Elora to change my life and become my best friend still to this day. She’s the reason I was able to remember what it felt like to feel the warmth of happiness. Since that day, we’ve told each other everything, and even though she travels all the time, I know I’m not any less important.”
“She sounds like an amazing friend,” Dr. Mann said, once I’d finished my story. “Tell me, Lyra, what if I told you it was possible for you to have more people like Elora in your life?”
My brows knit together not understanding what she was saying.
“What you needed most at that time in your life was someone who saw past your loss and trauma. A person who wouldn’t let you push them away for fear of getting hurt again. I would hinder a guess with you two living in such close quarters, she learned about your triggers fairly quickly?” Dr. Mann questioned.
I nodded, still not following where this was going.
“Were they better with her around? Worse? Or about the same?” she continued.
“Most of the time, better, but depending on how stressed I was, or if Dr. Barnett had me working through some tougher memories, they could be worse,” I explained. “Why would you ask about that?”
Dr. Mann lifted her hand to rest on her chin, a finger tapping absentmindedly as she thought. “I’m wondering if the fact she was an Alpha and genetically wired to look after an Omega’s wellbeing was the missing element.”
My jaw dropped at her words. “You think the only reason Elora is my friend is because she’s an Alpha ?”
“No, absolutely not,” Dr. Mann cut in, slashing the thought with her hand. “Please forgive me, Lyra. What I said wasn’t the whole thought, I was musing aloud. You mentioned how schools always try to keep Omegas and Alphas separate. Was this also the case while you were at boarding school?”
“Yeees,” I answered hesitantly.
“This is just a theory and something I’ve been researching in an effort to help trauma victims specifically. Omegas need the support of an Alpha and a pack to feel fulfilled. Alphas are the same but different. See Alphas need an Omega to help balance them out and curb their erratic emotions until they can regulate them independently,” Dr. Mann shared. “What if keeping you away from an Alpha all that time hurt more than helped? In a perfect world, you would have had your fathers to help manage your needs as an Omega, but that wasn’t an option. So not only were you forced to deal with immense grief, you had to face it alone until Elora came into your life.”
I felt overwhelmed by what Dr. Mann had said, so I stood and began to pace slowly. My brain whirled as I broke down her theory and compared it to moments of my life. The times I felt so alone and unsure if it was worth going on were when I wasn’t around an Alpha. Could it really be that simple? Any family with an Omega or Alpha child would have to have both an Alpha and Omega parent.
Had I ended up like this because I was left all alone, or was I to blame? If I hadn’t fought against finding my scent matches and didn’t fear what it meant to be around Alphas, would life have been easier?
Just as I felt myself on the verge of spinning out of control, arms wrapped around me. The bond between Fawn and myself hummed as a soothing energy flowed through my veins. I clung to Fawn and buried my head in the crook of his neck so all I could smell was strawberries and cream, confirming I wasn’t dreaming. He’d felt me starting to panic and came to rescue me despite being in the middle of a therapy session. I’d told the guys not to bother us even if they heard me crying. In the past, therapy had been the safest place for me to break down and acknowledge my true feelings. Yet here Fawn was, refusing to let me face this pain alone.
“Shh, it’s okay, I’m right here with you,” Fawn murmured as his hand slowly stroked my back.
One thing I was realizing now, having experienced what it felt like to be bonded to another person, was they couldn’t lie to you. I knew Fawn wasn’t pitying me or resentful at the fact that he had to deal with yet another one of my meltdowns. It had been my biggest fear that no matter if they were scent matches or not, eventually, they’d get sick and fucking tired of dealing with my trauma. Yet, no matter how hard I looked, all I could feel from Fawn was love, devotion, and sadness. The sadness wasn’t directed at me, more so, he was sad I was hurting and couldn’t do anything about it.
Slowly, I lifted my head and gazed deep into Fawn’s hazel eyes as I cupped his face with my hands. “Fawn,” I rasped, my emotions causing my throat to tighten.
I paused to take a deep breath and swallow, hoping it would make it easier to speak through the feelings I was holding back. Fawn’s attention didn’t waver even as we heard Dr. Mann get up from her seat and walk toward the house.
“Take your time, I’m not going anywhere,” Fawn assured me and pressed his forehead to mine.
It was as if I’d been waiting forever to hear someone say that to me in a way I could believe they truly meant those words. The truth of his words struck a chord in my heart allowing it to sing with hope like it never had before.
“I believe you, Fawn, with all my heart and soul,” I whispered before closing the distance between us so I could kiss him.
Fawn didn’t hesitate to reciprocate and started to purr as we deepened the kiss. One hand slid into my hair so he could cup the back of my head, ensuring I wouldn’t pull back from him until he was ready to let me go. The need to tell Fawn what I was feeling was the only reason I pressed lightly on his chest. His grip loosened, and we stood panting, staring into each other’s eyes. Joy exuded from Fawn, telling me he already knew what I wanted to say but was allowing me to say it all the same.
“I’m in love with you, Fawn,” I admitted, unable to keep the happy tears from slipping down my cheeks. “Somehow, you’ve become the perfect fit for a piece of my heart I never thought I was going to get back.”
Elation at my confession slammed into me seconds before Fawn’s lips claimed mine once more. I wasn’t sure if there was another word to describe how happy Fawn was, but it felt like the perfect summer day, lying on the grass, staring at the sky wrapped in his arms.
“I love you too, Lyra,” Fawn said, showering my face with kisses. “God, I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting to say that to you. It’s been a sweet kind of torture to keep how I was feeling to myself so you didn’t ever feel pressured to reciprocate if you weren’t ready.”
The sound of clapping and cheering snapped us out of the little bubble we’d found ourselves in. Standing a few feet from us was the rest of our pack, grinning from ear to ear. Dr. Mann stood off to the side, a happy smile on her face as she watched, which caused my cheeks to burn with embarrassment.
Clearing my throat, I pulled out of Fawn’s embrace but laced our fingers together, not wanting to let go of him just yet. I shifted my attention to Dr. Mann, tucking my hair behind my ear. “I’m so sorry?—”
“There is nothing to be sorry about,” Dr. Mann stated, cutting me off. “Lyra, this is the whole reason why our society adopted the concept of packs. Life is hard all on its own, so why not build a support system of people who love and care about each other? Never apologize for leaning on your bonds and allowing them to take some of your burden.”
I opened my mouth to argue but caught sight of Eli, who’d crossed his arms and cocked a brow at me. What Dr. Mann just said was something Eli had been trying to get me to understand since we met.
My shoulders slumped a little as I let out a sigh. “I’m not good at allowing others to help and even worse at asking for what I need,” I admitted.
Dr. Mann smiled. “I’m glad you can acknowledge that because it means it’s something we can work on. Now, I did ask the rest of your pack to join us if you’re comfortable doing so? I truly feel they are going to be instrumental in helping you live a stable and happy life.”