Chapter 6 #4
“Cara mia, are you okay? You really shouldn’t be drinking so much- it’s not good for you,” she says, blaming my colourless face on my lingering hangover. Just as well, I guess. Too late to fess up to the truth of my situation now. Daniel smirks behind her back, as if he can read my mind.
When Tony, Lia and Leo come back in from the kitchen, Daniel stands and takes Mum’s hand in his own.
“Sorry, Elena, that looks delicious but I have to head off. Training starts in an hour.” He leans down and kisses her on the cheek. A trickle of relief filters through me as he nods goodbye to my brother and his family, but then he turns to me.
“See you, G,” he says, using my old nickname.
“Think about what I said, okay?” The way he speaks to me -gently, with his eyebrows furrowed, hands in pockets and shoulders hunched -implies he confessed his undying love to me while we were alone, not threatened me to come back to him or else.
Mum gobbles up his performance like a worm on a hook and leads him out to the front door.
I sit quietly with my family, refusing to meet any of their questioning gazes.
“I’m fine,” I declare to the table in general while I stare down at my nails once again. The last thing I want is to have to make up some fake conversation that Daniel and I had while I’m still reeling from the one that actually happened.
“If he said anything to -” Tony starts angrily, but I interrupt him before he can finish.
“Please let’s not talk about it. I would like to salvage the rest of my day,” I say, knowing my day is well and truly fucking ruined regardless. I reach forward and slop a huge piece of tiramisu on my plate, signalling that the conversation is over.
Later, after I’ve helped mum clear up the mess and dodged her unsubtle inquiries into the state of my marriage, I go in search of Dad.
It’s no surprise that I find him sitting outside in his rustic courtyard, watering his beloved veggie patch.
I hand him the plate of pasta I made up earlier and take a seat on the old wooden bench next to him, something I used to do a lot as a kid.
“Thank you, Darling.”
He wipes a dirt covered hand on his gardening overalls before he takes the plate from me, placing it down on his small worktable alongside an assortment of gardening tools.
Then he continues watering his cucumbers, a pensive look on the weathered face I love so much.
I close my eyes and let a rare ray of sunshine warm my face as Dad and I fall into a comfortable silence.
I’ve spent many hours sitting on this bench next to Dad, either in silence as Dad tends to his garden alone or helping him while he gives me some roundabout life lesson based on a gardening analogy.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the years, it’s that the solution to any problem you’re facing can be found in a veggie patch.
A deep feeling of unease has been bubbling around in my gut since Daniel left.
Even sitting here in one of my favourite spots with Dad is failing to bring me comfort.
In my head, for the last six months, Daniel and I have been on the direct path to divorce.
Sure, he posted my wedding and engagement rings back to me after I left him with a discerning note (These will always belong on your finger as you will always belong to me) but I haven’t heard from him since, and I thought we were on the same page that this marriage was over.
Was I stupid to think Daniel would let it go this easily?
If he’s so hell bent on reconciliation, why haven’t I heard from him in so long?
These thoughts swirl around in my head, but I keep coming back to Daniel’s threat.
I will make sure you have nothing.
I don’t know why his words were such a shock to me. I knew he would be ruthless in our divorce, but knowing that separating isn’t what Daniel wants adds another messy layer to all this. Daniel always gets what he wants, and when he doesn’t, he makes everyone around him pay.
“Are you okay, Darling?” Dad asks gently, pulling me from my thoughts. He’s stopped watering and is now staring at me, a frown playing between his thick brows.
“Yeah, I’m fine, Dad. I’m so sorry about what happened in there,” I tuck my hands under my thighs, feeling guilty over Dad missing lunch.
He sets his watering can down on the concrete by his feet and turns his big body to face me.
Dad looks like your typical old Italian man with his strong jaw, dark features and round belly; but when I look at him, I see his kind eyes that are always full of love, his rough hands that feel scratchy on my cheeks when he wipes away my tears, and his wide shoulders that take up the whole span of my arms when I hug him.
He never interferes with my life or tries to tell me what to do the way Mum does.
He’s just a constant safety net that’s always there, ready to catch me if I fall, and for that I’ll always be grateful.
“Don’t be sorry, Gia,” he says, his frown deepening.
“That was not your fault. I shouldn’t have acted the way I did.
” He sits, placing his hands in his lap and letting out a sigh.
“I just couldn’t bear to sit down and eat with that man after he hurt you.
It goes against every one of my instincts as a father. ”
I rest my head on Dad’s shoulder and breathe in his familiar scent, a mix of soap and fresh dirt.
“I had no idea he was coming,” I say quietly. “I hadn’t heard from him in months.”
Dad wraps an arm around me, and I sink further into his warm embrace.
“I’m sorry your Mum thought it was a good idea to invite him for lunch.
For such a smart woman, she can really be so daft sometimes,” Dad replies, but his voice is soft with obvious affection for Mum.
I’m glad he isn’t upset with her. I couldn’t bear to be the cause of a disagreement between my parents.
“She only did what she thought was best for me. I know that, even though it’s sometimes a hard pill to swallow. I just wish she would ask me what I want instead of deciding for herself what she thinks I need.”
And as much as I want to be angry with Mum, I can’t blame her for her actions today.
She doesn’t believe my marriage is over, and I can’t even fault her for that.
Daniel cheating was the straw that finally broke the camel’s back for me.
But for everyone on the outside looking in, the cheating was the first and only offence, and Mum comes from a generation where an infidelity can be forgiven.
Which is why I really have only myself to blame for Mum inviting Daniel to today’s lunch.
As far as my family is concerned, before the affair Daniel was the perfect husband in our perfect marriage.
They have no idea about the verbal, emotional and financial abuse that I suffered since the day I said ‘I do’.
And to some extent, neither did I. I was living in denial about the reality of my relationship.
But was I, really?
The ugly thought fills my chest with shame.
If I was so unaware, why was I lying to my best friend and family about what was going on?
On some level, I knew it was wrong. Leaving Daniel lifted the veil from my eyes to how bad it really was, though.
Not to mention what happened when I caught him cheating. But I don’t think about that.
When I told my parents I was leaving Daniel because he slept with someone else, Mum went through the stages of grief.
Denial (‘Is this a joke, Gianna? It’s not very funny’), anger (‘Why would he do this? Testa Di Cazzo!’) and is now firmly in the bargaining stage (‘Just hear him out, Gianna. See what he has to say!’).
Dad, bless his soul, didn’t even ask what happened.
He just asked if I was okay and if I needed anything.
Now, I wonder if he was hurt by Daniel’s actions, too.
He had welcomed him into his home like a son, after all.
“You know,” Dad starts, leaning forward and gathering a handful of soil from his precious garden, “planting seeds in the ground is not the beginning and end of growing vegetables.”
Despite my anguish, I can’t help but grin to myself. Hugging my knees into my chest, I settle in for Dad’s words of wisdom.
“You can’t just chuck seeds around and hope for the best. First, you have to start with the right conditions,” he says, rubbing the soil between his fingers.
“You can’t plant seeds in darkness. They need light to grow.
They also need a lot of love and attention.
You need to water them, tend to the soil, and be patient. ”
I wait for the punch line, and it doesn’t take long for Dad to deliver.
“You need to start planting some seeds in your life, Darling. I’ve watched you live someone else’s life for a long time now,” he says gently.
“You should think about what you want to do with your precious life, and start moving towards that. Plant your own seeds, water your own garden, nourish your life with your own desires. I want to see you happy and fulfilled. It’s my greatest wish for both my children. ”
Tears pool in my eyes. It’s not that Dad isn’t right, I just didn’t realise he was so observant.
Has he wanted to say this to me since I dropped out of uni?
I can’t believe it took me so much longer than that to realise I was living for someone else.
I wipe a tear from my cheek at the same time Dad reaches for a weed.
“Whether or not that is with Daniel is only for you to decide. But remember, weeds are no good in a happy garden. They steal precious nutrients and stop other plants from flourishing,” he continues, yanking the weed clean from the root. “They need to be pulled as early as possible.”
I can’t help the watery laugh that bursts from my lips at Dad’s subtlety.
He looks over his shoulder at me, eyes wide and brows raised. “What? I’m just telling you about my garden,” he says innocently.
I give him a shaky smile and reach forward, grabbing another stray weed hiding behind a cucumber. “No weeds allowed in this garden,” I say, tearing it out and chucking it in the bin. Not in this garden or mine.