Chapter 26 #3
“Yep,” I say, noticing an opening on the far wall that leads into a walk-in-robe. You would think that would be wasted on a man, but I bet Zayn has enough bespoke suits to fill it right up.
Zayn’s fingers grasp my chin and he draws my face towards him.
“I’m sorry.” His voice is earnest as he searches my face, a frown playing between his brows. I inspect my fingernails and absently pick at the red polish Anna spent ages applying perfectly last night.
“Don’t be. Imagine if I had a baby with Daniel? It’s for the best, really.” I let out a small laugh, but Zayn isn’t buying any of my shit. I should have known better than to think I could fool him.
“I know how much you want kids, Gianna.”
I shuffle away from his grasp.
“Yes, well, at least you don’t have to worry about using condoms.” I sit on the edge of his bed, giving him my back as my chest caves in. How did we go from pure bliss to this ugly conversation in a matter of moments?
Zayn stays quiet, and I’m wondering if he’s reassessing the declaration he gave me not even an hour ago. I can’t give him kids. Daniel and I tried for over a year. I have unexplained infertility.
Telling Zayn is like having an old wound cut open, wider. It’s better for him to know now though.
“I’m broken,” I try to joke, but it falls flat. “You’ll have to go back to Monica if it’s babies you want.”
“Fuck Monica.” Zayn’s voice is so cold I flinch again. “Stop telling me to go be with other women. It’s pissing me off.”
I freeze as Zayn moves off the bed and pulls on a pair of black briefs, and I become very aware that all I have on is my thong, which has been shoved to the side and rides uncomfortably up my ass.
I cover my chest with my arms as Zayn comes and sinks to his haunches before me, his dark eyes level with mine.
“The only one with the power to walk away from this is you,” he says calmly. “You might decide this isn’t what you want, Gianna, but this is it for me. You are it for me.”
His words floor me, but it’s the resolute look in his eyes that leaves me stunned.
“What about all the other women you’ve been with?” I ask quietly, my voice laced with insecurity I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to shake. “Why me and not one of them?”
His head drops and a sigh escapes his lips.
“It’s always been you, Gianna,” he says, defeated, like he isn’t particularly happy about it. Then the muscles in his shoulders ripple as he draws a long, slow breath.
“I found out you were married when I was twenty one,” he says, lifting his head to meet mine.
My stomach weakens at the anguish on his beautiful face.
“I had finally got social media, but couldn’t find you online no matter how many times and different ways I tried.
I eventually reached out to Percy, who told me he heard a rumour you got married, but didn’t know who to.
I’m starting to wonder now if he did know but didn’t want to tell me. ”
A shiver runs down my spine knowing that Zayn was searching for me back when I married Daniel, thinking he had well and truly moved on.
Zayn notices, and thinking it’s from the cold, stands and disappears into his wardrobe, reappearing a moment later with a black hoodie.
He helps me put it over my head and it falls over me like a dress.
Vanilla and sandalwood envelopes me as I wrap my arms around my chest and ignore the way wearing Zayn’s clothes makes me feel.
He sinks back down in front of me and continues like he wasn’t interrupted.
“I hadn’t touched another woman except you before then.
But when I found out you were married, I lost it. ”
His eyes are imploring as he says, “I never used women. I was always open and honest about the fact I wasn’t looking for anything more than one night, and they were all okay with that. I couldn’t connect with any of them past a physical level.”
He swallows and casts his gaze back down. “I tried, but I didn’t see their faces. I closed my eyes and they were all you.”
His confession rocks me. A gasp escapes my lips. “What about Monica? She was more than one night. She told me.”
Zayn sighs and drags a frustrated hand through his hair.
“Monica was… convenient,” he admits reluctantly.
“I came back to Melbourne and made myself believe it wasn’t for you, even though I only applied at Martin& Klein in Perth knowing they had a Melbourne branch.
I worked my ass off, made a name for myself and when I was offered a position in Melbourne I was adamant I was only taking it because there were better opportunities here.
You were married and I had to move the fuck on.
” He stands and paces over to the glass wall that overlooks the city, giving me his back.
His black silhouette a beautiful vision against the colourful lights.
“Monica works at the firm and she came on to me one night. I’d had a few too many drinks at a work dinner. I gave her the usual one night spiel and she accepted it. We slept together.”
A cold fist creeps into my chest and squeezes around my most vital organ.
“Then one night became two, then three, then we fell into a pattern of leaving work events together. Never arriving together, though. I always insisted it was purely physical, and she never pushed for more.”
He pauses. “Just because I slept with her more than once doesn’t mean we are in a relationship. We are not. I feel nothing romantic towards her and she knows that.”
I swallow down the horror that I’m sure is carved into my face. I have no right to feel this, of course. I was married, for Christ’s sake. Zayn had every right to do whatever and whoever he pleased.
Zayn turns to face me, his face cloaked in shadow.
“I told you I found you on that website by chance. You were a link sent to me for a bachelor party, a friend trying to organise entertainment for the evening. I had all but stopped looking for you by then. When I saw your profile I thought perhaps Percy had his information wrong and maybe you weren’t married after all.
Regardless, I tried to convince myself I didn’t care that you were selling yourself, when in reality, I was fucking furious. ”
He stalks towards me and I tuck my knees into my chest. Having his thoughts splayed out before me after months, heck, years of speculating is as much gratifying as it is terrifying.
“I had no idea what I was expecting going into that hotel room. I thought you would recognise me and I could get some kind of closure that I desperately needed. I hoped, deep down, that you would fall into my arms and the last ten years would just fucking disappear. But then you didn’t recognise me.
And you wanted to fuck me. And I was angry, but too desperate to touch you again that I went along with it knowing it would be my undoing, and all the while you were none the wiser. ”
He stops before his thighs can graze against me. His chin lowers, his jaw ticking with remembered fury.
“Since then I haven’t been able to stay away from you. Some would call you walking into my office that day a stroke of luck. I call it fate.” He lifts a hand and grazes his fingertips over my cheek.
“Ask me why I came back, Gianna.”
I’m finally ready to ask, and he’s finally ready to answer me.
“Why did you come back?” My voice is barely above a whisper.
“For you.”
My chest threatens to burst open and spill my heart all over his soft white sheets. This is everything I’ve ever wanted since I was sixteen years old.
“So no, Gianna. I won’t be going to find another woman to have my babies,” he says softly, cupping my jaw. “All I want is you. All I’ve ever wanted is you. And if it’s only ever just me and you, then that’s okay with me. I never wanted to share you anyway.”