28 What You Don’t Know Can Hurt You
28
What You Don’t Know Can Hurt You
The next few days I spent shut up in the house. I didn’t have the strength to do anything.
After what my father said, I couldn’t stand to look in the mirror. All I saw there was pain, and the realization that I was still the person I’d told myself I’d left behind, the vulnerable, insecure little girl I’d never wanted to be.
I avoided my brother and sister all week. I wasn’t ready to see them, let alone to tell them I’d finally decided to work in the family business. I didn’t know how to justify changing my mind, especially so suddenly, and I didn’t know how to look sincere when I’d be lying to their face about what I really wanted.
On Sunday night, I had to drop the self-pitying act, though, because they showed up at my house with Chinese takeout and a bottle of wine.
I hardly remember anything about that night. I hardly remember what reasons I threw out to justify the ridiculous plan I’d come up with. What I do remember is the skepticism on their faces, the worry, their silence, which seemed agreed upon, as I struggled to smile, even though all I wanted to do was cry.
***
On Monday morning, I took my fanciest clothes out of the closet: a slim black dress and a tailored jacket. I pulled my hair back soberly and put on makeup. Then I went downtown to the Weston Corporation head offices.
I announced my presence in reception, and a few seconds later, they sent me to the elevator I would take upstairs to my father’s office. Alex, his secretary, shook my hand and told me to wait a few minutes. I sat on the leather sofa in the vestibule, the same one I had sat on so many times as a child. I was nervous. Alex’s phone rang, and she picked up. When she set it down, she told me I could go inside. My father was ready to see me.
As I walked through the door, my entire life compressed to a tiny, insignificant dot. My father was sitting behind his imposing desk. No hellos, no questions. He just looked me up and down and nodded. He knew why I was there, and if he was surprised, he didn’t show it. Maybe Hoyt or Hayley had already told him I was coming. Or maybe he knew me well enough to assume that after our meeting in the cemetery, I’d have no choice but to come pay my debt .
He called Alex and she hurried in, a gentle smile on her face and respect in her eyes.
“Mr. Weston.”
“Alexandra, my daughter will start work here today. I need you to get her an access card and an office on the eighth floor. She’s going to be Dustin Hodges’s new assistant.” I almost said something, but why bother? I’d sold myself, body and soul. He went on giving instructions. “Give her one of the interns to help her settle in and tell Mrs. Daniels to show her the ropes in the department and give her a rundown of what her duties will be.”
Alex couldn’t hide her surprise.
“Of course, Mr. Weston. I’ll get right on it. Ms. Weston, it’s a pleasure to be working with you. Welcome aboard.”
“Thanks, Alex. But call me Harper, please.”
She walked out, and I attempted to follow her, but my father called out, “Wait.”
Before I could stop myself, I started babbling, “Dad, I don’t know the first thing about finance. I can’t accept a post with any real responsibility. I should be working in the mail room or running errands or something, starting from the bottom.”
Dad put some documents in his briefcase as if I weren’t there, and when my litany of doubts and worries was over, he started walking out, saying in passing, “We’re having dinner at home tonight. Bring your things over and you can have your old room back. I’ll tell the staff to have it ready for you.”
“Sure.”
In just a day, everything had changed. My surroundings lost their color, the world turned gray. The magic drained away, and all I could do was tell myself the hopes I’d harbored had never really existed. All I could do now was act—act like it didn’t hurt, act like I wasn’t utterly destroyed inside. Act like I was fine and nothing mattered. The truth was, sorrow and pain were tearing me apart, and all my ambition and determination was gone. I was an empty, soulless shell.
We sold my grandmother’s house and bookstore three weeks later. I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t one of the hardest moments of my life. I cried every night from regret. And every morning, I’d wake up and miss the girl I’d been. The one who wasn’t so torn, so indecisive. The one who had saved me from ruining my own life. The one I hoped was still alive inside me and would come back someday, maybe.
Time passed, and I got used to my new routine. My job was to do everything Dustin asked of me. Take calls, greet clients, take notes at meetings, draw up contracts… I tried to do everything right, tried to learn, and didn’t complain at his attempts at flirtation. For some reason I couldn’t put my finger on, Dustin thought everything between us would go back to being the way it was. He gave me flowers every day and invited me constantly to dinner, and my rejections meant nothing to him. Soon I’d run out of excuses.
The only positive thing was that I was seeing more of Hoyt and Hayley. I usually went to lunch with them at a nearby restaurant. That was my only happy moment of the day.
Hoyt started spending his evenings at the family home in Léry now that I was staying there. We’d have dinner with Dad and watch a movie or read in the library.
Things with Dad were better than they had ever been. Our relationship remained cold, sometimes tense. But now he could at least stand my presence, and when he didn’t think I could see him, he would watch me with curiosity.
On the weekends, I’d walk through the gardens on the property, letting my mind wander, recalling the few happy moments I’d spent there among the flowers and trees.
Hayley and Scott came to visit almost every Sunday. Dad would barbecue lunch himself and drink beer with the guys like a regular, everyday person. Gathered like that, we seemed like a real family, and that made me feel, however briefly, like a real person.
Sometimes you fall apart, and to keep going, you have to pick up the pieces of yourself first. I tried to do it, but they were so heavy I could barely take a step. Only with time did it get easier. And yet, my heart ached. The pieces of it were sharp, and I couldn’t figure out how to hold them together, and all I could do was try to cope, try to forget.
I tortured myself, wondering all the time what I would be doing if Trey were there. Wondering if he’d met someone. If he missed me as much as I missed him. Probably not, because he had vanished without a trace. Three months had passed since we’d broken up, and he hadn’t made the least effort to get me back. It was selfish of me to think he should, after what I’d done, but I couldn’t help it.
They say time heals all wounds, that distance makes you forget. But it’s not true.
Time is distance.
Distance is longing.
And what you don’t know can hurt you.
The days flew past, and I let them carry me along. In my desolation, the only thing that kept me afloat was books, which at least helped me disconnect from reality.
One day at work, I took out the latest book I was reading, A.J. Finn’s The Woman in the Window , a mystery with lots of suspense. For now, I’d vetoed all love stories. As I read, I unwrapped a turkey and cabbage sandwich and looked at it with disgust.
“I’d throw that away before it mutates and eats you.”
I looked up from my so-called lunch and saw my brother standing in the doorway of my office with a pleasant grin on his face. I laughed and did as he said.
“I thought you were taking the day off,” I said.
“So did I, but Corbin’s sick and I have to present the new renewable energy project we’re working on in Tokyo.” He loosened his tie. “Now that you’ve thrown away your sandwich, are you up for grabbing a bite with me?”
“Tacos?”
“Sure, with extra guac.”
“What about an ice cream after?”
“With chocolate and colored sprinkles,” he said, grinning.
“I love how well you know me.”
“I’d be a terrible brother if I didn’t.”
It was nice having him nearby, spending time together. He was less like a big brother now and more like a friend—a friend who protected me, who liked to boss me around, but whom I wouldn’t change for anything in the world.
It was cold, and snowflakes were floating in the air as we walked to La Capital, a nearby restaurant that made the best tacos in town. We ordered a sampler as well as quesadillas.
“I think I’m going to take the next step with Megan,” Hoyt said, taking a sip of his soda.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I’m going to ask her to go out with me.”
“Isn’t that what you’ve been doing for months now?”
“We’ve been going out, but we haven’t been going out … We’ve always seen each other with other people, as friends. I’m going to try to take her on an actual date.”
“You’ve been hung up on her for this long and you haven’t even asked her on a date?”
“I told you I like to take things slow and do it right. I really like her.”
“Well, if you keep taking it as slow as you have, don’t be surprised when she ends up going out with someone else.”
He nodded, tense.
“I know, dammit. But when I’m with her, she just does something to me, and I can’t act. I’ve never had that happen with any other woman.”
“Imagine someone telling me years ago that my brother, the heartbreaker, was going to be here whining about how he’s too scared to ask a girl out,” I joked.
He shot me a killer glance that made me laugh.
“What do you know about it, Pumpkin? You’ve still got Dustin barking up your tree. Are you ever going to accept his marriage proposal and free him from his torments?”
With horror, I replied, “My God, no. I’m not planning on going out with anyone, let alone Dustin. I only tolerate him because of Dad.”
My brother’s face changed.
“Remember when we were talking on the phone recently? You had just come back from your mysterious trip, and I was on a plane headed to New York. You told me you had something important to tell me. What was it?”
I felt my pulse start racing. That seemed like a lifetime ago. At the same time, it could have been yesterday. I thought of Trey, my brother’s best friend. That was what I’d wanted to talk to him about. I’d wanted to tell him how much Trey meant to me. That I was in love with him. That for some strange reason only fate could know, we were together, and I needed to shout it to the entire world.
“No idea. I don’t even remember. Probably just something stupid.”
Hoyt’s face was serious. He didn’t believe a word of what I was saying. The mood was tense, and getting tenser with every breath. He reached across the table and covered my hand with his.
“It doesn’t matter the day, the hour, or how busy I am. When you’re ready to tell me everything, just call. I mean everything. There’s nothing you could do that would make me stop loving you, Harper. Nothing.”
His phone was lying on the table. It lit up with a message. He took a look and started typing a response, at ease again.
“That look on your face tells me it must be Megan…”
He chuckled.
“Nah, it’s Trey. He’s just letting me know he’s parking. He’s coming in to give me a hand with some specs on the presentation. Some of this stuff I have no idea about.”
It took me a minute to soak in what he’d just said. Trey. He was going to see Trey there. I started trembling. I wasn’t ready to see him. I never would be. I shot to my feet and put on my hat, scarf, and gloves.
“Sorry, Hoyt, I need to go. I forgot I have to make clean copies of a couple of contracts Dustin’s got to have for this afternoon.”
“This shouldn’t take long! Stick around and we can walk back together.”
“I can’t. I just don’t have the time. You’re paying, right?” He nodded and I kissed him on the cheek. “Thanks. You’re the best brother in the world.”
I hurried out so fast that I ran into a guy coming in. I murmured sorry and crossed the street in the middle of traffic. I didn’t see an oncoming car and it screeched to a halt to keep from hitting me. I thought I’d have a heart attack by the time I was on the other side. When I stopped to catch my breath, I saw him, looking at his phone and walking up the sidewalk.
The feeling was like being punched in the stomach. But I couldn’t stop staring. He was thinner, with a short beard. I thought of all the times I’d kissed that face. He was as handsome as ever, maybe more so. Three months it had been since I’d last seen him, and I still missed him with such intensity that there were days when I didn’t think I could stand it.
I turned around before he could see me and scurried off without looking back. In that moment, it was either keep walking or fall over and die. I needed distance. I needed to feel I wasn’t falling to pieces inside.
I lost track of time as I wandered from one place to the next. The city looked gorgeous with Christmas decorations in the shop windows and lights festooning the streets. The holidays weren’t far away now.
The snow fell harder, and the cold seeped into my bones. I stopped a second to get my bearings, and that’s when I noticed it.
I had stopped directly across from the bookstore.
My spine tingled as I saw the boards covering the window and door. I guess they wanted to protect the glass. Otherwise, nothing had changed. It was dirtier, more desolate, but the same. No one had touched anything.
I peeked through a gap in the boards and almost whined from sorrow. Inside, nothing had been touched. I could see the cash register in the shadows, the hundreds of books piled up all over. The tables, the armchair, the lead-crystal lamp.
I didn’t get it.
It had been months since I’d let my grandmother’s lawyer take care of the details. He’d put the bookstore on the market, and not long after, he’d found a buyer. I didn’t ask him to tell me the details. It hurt too bad.
I tried to get a grip on myself when I saw the looks of worry from the passersby. But I couldn’t help it. That had been my only true home, and my favorite memories, my happiest moments, my dreams, my hopes, my childhood were all locked up inside there. Along with the ghosts of the women who had mattered to me most.
If I stayed there, I’d lose every last trace of that false peace I’d told myself I’d found because I needed it to survive my new life. I turned around and left.
I ran away like a little girl fleeing the monsters in her closet and under her bed. I ran away from reality. I ran away as if you could run away from pain, as if it were really possible to run away from yourself.